Ask Me Help Desk - Girl wants my guy!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. When we were in 11th grade he made friends with a quiet, awkward chick (Rosemary) and since then she's joined our "friend circle" I guess you could say. We recently just graduated but this whole year had been an upside-down trainwreck for me. He started becoming really close with her and she went to New York for a while and when she came back my boyfriend said something I had not forgotten ever since, "Things were so boring without you around."

Skipping ahead a few months, my boyfriend recently got a new cellular device (we don't care for them but his mom insisted to get him one). He gives his number to her first and the first thing Rosemary says is "I'd blow up your phone so much!". That left me a little confused and worried. I trust my boyfriend but I do not trust or feel comfortable with her and I've already let him know that. But I think my trying to get him to understand that she likes him has pushed him away.

He texts her often and sends snapchats to her, I got a little paranoid and looked through his Facebook messages to find out she and him call each other "Partner In Crime". I felt disappointed, left out, abandoned and afraid. He was upset with me, but I had to know. She's good friends with his sister and is quiet/awkward around me. She tries to befriend me but I already know how that works out in the end.

I just need help, am I overreacting? Is there something I should do? I haven't confronted her, my boyfriend doesn't want me to. Is that a sign that something is happening behind my back? Please help!

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She tries to befriend me but I already know how that works out in the end.

How do you know how "THAT" works out in the end?

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I just need help, am I overreacting?

Snooping, nagging and badmouthing?. Yeah, I would say you were overreacting

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Is there something I should do?

Get control of your feelings, and think before you act or speak, and give the girl a chance since she is a friend of his.

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I haven't confronted her, my boyfriend doesn't want me to.

Learn to talk and get facts with an open mind, and heart, instead of judging because of insecurity, and jealousy. Confront is a lousy word and strategy, when it's YOU that have the bad feelings for her.

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Is that a sign that something is happening behind my back?

No, it's a sign that something bad is happening in your own mind, and you seem to be the one putting it there. Paranoid?? Headed that way, but SCARED definitely. Deal with your fear feelings with facts. To this day I am still impressed by how my wife of 40 years dealt with meeting MY MANY female friends, she made them OUR friends (Okay she stole them :I! )!

So stop acting out of FEAR, so you can enjoy what you have while you have it in your young life. Stop feeding your own FEAR. It will make you paranoid.

How old are you all? If I had to guess I would say barely 19, maybe 18. Regardless, I read through this and it smacks of a bad teenage high school romance, but let's break it down.

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Originally Posted by alienann204

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. When we were in 11th grade he made friends with a quiet, awkward chick (Rosemary) and since then she's joined our "friend circle" I guess you could say. We recently just graduated but this whole year had been an upside-down trainwreck for me. He started becoming really close with her and she went to New York for a while and when she came back my boyfriend said something I had not forgotten ever since, "Things were so boring without you around."

Okay so he's close friends with her. There's two schools of those about intergender friendships. The first, and what seems to be common, is that there's always sexual tension/flirting/etc when a man and a woman are friends. They're never platonic and always just 'waiting' so they can have a chance at the other person. There is a little merit to this, but not a lot. We're always subconsciously evaluating people as mates, friends, competition, or enemies. So while they're friends there is probably a little "I wonder..." even though he's committed to you.

The second school of thought, and the one I ascribe to, says that yes the a man and a woman can be just friends. It has worked out well for me. I have plenty of friends who are female and just friends. I had a female roomie for years. The key is knowing where the line is. Which he should know.

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Originally Posted by alienann204

Skipping ahead a few months, my boyfriend recently got a new cellular device (we don't care for them but his mom insisted to get him one). He gives his number to her first and the first thing Rosemary says is "I'd blow up your phone so much!". That left me a little confused and worried. I trust my boyfriend but I do not trust or feel comfortable with her and I've already let him know that. But I think my trying to get him to understand that she likes him has pushed him away.

Lair! You don't trust him at all. If you did, this friendship wouldn't even be a question for you. It is because you don't trust the he's as fully committed to you as you are to him. You don't trust him to say, "It's great being your friend, but you realize that we're just that right? Only friends?". You're searching for evidence of him cheating with her, be it emotionally or physically, and you're not going to be happy until you find it because you've already made up your mind.

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Originally Posted by alienann204

He texts her often and sends snapchats to her, I got a little paranoid and looked through his Facebook messages to find out she and him call each other "Partner In Crime". I felt disappointed, left out, abandoned and afraid. He was upset with me, but I had to know. She's good friends with his sister and is quiet/awkward around me. She tries to befriend me but I already know how that works out in the end.

I just need help, am I overreacting? Is there something I should do? I haven't confronted her, my boyfriend doesn't want me to. Is that a sign that something is happening behind my back? Please help!

You are overreacting in my opinion. You need to stop snooping. You need to trust your man. IF you can't do that then you need to break it off with him. You have talked to him about it, and that's enough. You just need to be the best girlfriend you can. If you start to push away his friends then he'll push away you and then it will be all over. I don't know if it is too late already. Take a step back and accept that he's got a girl as a friend. Realize that doesn't mean she's his girlfriend. Got it?

Good luck.

I don't think it is unusual to have feelings of jealousy, or insecurity, or doubt, about your boyfriend. In fact, those feelings happen with most relationships, when a third friend suddenly joins in. And adults as well, married or not, who have long term partners, who's behavior has you doubting things like fidelity. I would say it is more likely than not, that doubt about a partner happens at least 50% of the time (just like the divorce rate).

The main thing about feeling how you do, is to simply realize, that the friendship between your boyfriend and Rosemary, is, as far as you know, just a friendship. By insinuating otherwise, you are putting a wrench into their relationship, and a wrench into your own.

You have no reason to make this into an 'issue'. While your feelings, in my opinion, are certainly honest, it is best not to put those feelings out there, and show that you are a little paranoid about 'them'.

In the long run, should something develop between them from their friendship, there is nothing you can do, or in retrospect, could have done, to stop it. But, making a big issue out of their friendship makes both of them unsure of you, which is the last thing you want. Keep your dignity in check, and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, without adding unnecessary drama.

Keep your opinions to yourself, and carry on without having a big dark cloud over your relationship. Be polite and cordial, and stop feeling the need to view Rosemary as 'the enemy', or the threat to you happiness. It really has nothing to do with her.

But, in the meanwhile, realize that you cannot control another person's thoughts, or actions. If at some point he gives you reason to think that you can no longer trust him, then end the relationship.