I met him in high school when I was a senior and he was a junior. I am now a college freshman and he is a senior. We have been together for a little over a year. A few months into the relationship we started having problems. He had a habit of talking to other girls on myspace or other messengers. Usually messages about sex or ones saying he wanted to be with another girl and liked her. Once he traded naked pictures with another girl. All of this I considered cheating even if it wasn't physical. I found these and confronted him and he just made the same old promises not to do it again. Afterwards I would always ask him if there was anything else and he would always say no. I found it hard to believe I knew everything, but I couldn't get anything else out of him. I didn't leave him because I love him, yes I know everyone says the same and it always sounds super pathetic, and I wanted to believe things would change.

Over spring break, however, I found out that back in November he physically cheated. I talked to both of them and the story went like this: They had intended to have sex that night, but they didn't because he "couldn't get it up." So he just fingered her and they never kissed, she never touched him, and that was the end of it. Oh and apparently one of his guy friends was there too. He was the one who apparently did all the kissing and touching. Not sure I completely believe this, but that was the story that I got from her after he lied about it. Then he owned up to it when I told him I had talked to her. We are still together, but it is really hard for me to look at the relationship the same. I hurt because of what he did and it is always in my head. I don't know if our relationship can work even though I love him. He says he loves me, but I tell him you don't do that to someone you love.

So my question after the long story is this: Is there any advice to help us work. I know I am going to get a lot of the "leave his " and "you deserve better" comments, which is fine, but I want real help not just that. Can a guy change? Will he change? Is he just to immature to be in a real relationship? I really want to be with him, as pathetic as that sounds, but I won't if I can't get things to change.

Why should he change? It worked he got away with it.

To be honest its going to be really hard for you to have a long term relationship with him because it will always be in the back of your mind and it is going to be hard for you to trust him. -- Savage

I do think that some men change. My husband did. We were high school sweethearts and he cheated. Then we got back together a few years later,and he is the most devoted husband ever. I think that it depends on is motivation in the relationship if he is going to change. I also dated another guy, and after we broke up I found out that he cheated....with my best friend. So I think it just depends on the person. As far as how to get past this...ask yourself this one question. Can you trust him? If you can't trust him then the relationship will never work. You have to have trust in a relationship for it to work.I would also communicate how badly he hurt you....let him know just how bad he made you feel. It will get your feelings off your chest.

Yes! People can change. People can change themselves and no one else. I know you want to fix him, make him better, happy and satisfied and committed to only you like he should be. The choice isn't yours to make. He should be the one posting questions on how to fix things, not you.

Make sure he realizes that he has to change our things will be over. Stand up for yourself, draw the line. Be very clear about what you expect and then give him the chance to decide. I believe you love him, because you choose to love him. Now he has to make the choice to love you, not just say it but do it.

You said it best "you deserve better"

God Bless

Hey I totally understand Ive been in a questionable relationship for the last five years. Ive never physically caught him, but have good reason to believe he has cheated. The thing is the longer you stay the harder it will get to leave. You can try to work things out. Is he a communicator? Have you tried counseling together, talking it out? Hopefully he is a relatively sensitive guy who is willing to talk to you about your relationship in general. I know that I should have left my boyfriend a long time ago for some of the stuff he did, but I was always too dependent on the relationship to do that. You can try to work things out, but hopefully if it's time to let go you'll be able to do that.

As for leaving him - there are a lot of sweet, committed guys out there who wouldn't cheat on you (especially not a planned cheating like you mentioned he did). And obviously it is an interest of his, not just a one time thing. He seems to be into all dimensions of it. Online, flirting, physical... It seems to be part of who he is, I think it is unlikely he will change anytime soon. Maybe in a very long time when he gets more serious.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to part with him and if it was meant to be then maybe you can try again in the future.

As for staying with him, if this is what you decide to do, then you'll have to do one of two things:
Decide you're okay with staying with him even if he cheats and lies.
Or
Decide you want to believe he will change, and so you will need proof. Ask to read his messages and snoop around. You've earned that now, he has given you no reason to trust him and so he should understand that. If you want to gain the trust back, you're going to need proof. And if he doesn't agree to let you see what he has been saying or doing, then explain this to him - you think you believe him and you just want to make sure, so you can both get back to being in love!
I know it sounds silly to ask to read his private things, but you wouldn't do it forever. Normally it would never be a good idea, but I think he owes it to you now. Denying you that would be cruel of him, given the circumstances.

And other than that you MUST get into why he cheated. Ask him. Was it the girl in particular, is he bored or unsatisfied, just a high sex drive, is he feeling doubtful about you two? Or maybe he didn't even really want to do what he did, and he was just feeling confused or maybe he was insecure about how you felt about him! Or maybe you did something to him in the past and he was feeling resentful.
He must have a reason, even if it is a very simple one, make him think about it!

I'm really sorry about how you must be feeling. :(
It's rough to love someone and have something like this happen...
Even if you feel you should not be together, you can't just flip a switch and stop loving them instantly.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you do!

He is an . There is no other word for it. He is self-centered, selfish and egotistical. It's all about HIM.

He does NOT love you. Clearly, and you're smart enough to figure this out, if he loved you, he would be INTO you and would not hurt you in this horrible way or in any other way.

He is ing around on you because YOU ALLOW IT BY STAYING WITH HIM. Basically, your actions are telling him that he can do it as many times as he wants and that you'll stay with him even though he is behaving horribly.

He is NOT a man. All he is is male, who apparently, can't even get it up.

LEAVE THE CREEP! I've been there. Get out and don't look back. He isn't worth it. And don't start making excuses in your mind to find some reason to forgive him so that you can then rationalize staying with him, such as "oh, well, he came from a broken home, an abusive home, he's looking for love from many women to make up for the lack of love from his mother...", etc. All of that is BULL. I know a couple of men who came from very difficult backgrounds and they are NOT cheaters!

Have DIGNITY FOR YOURSELF, CARE FOR YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF, all of which means and requires that you LEAVE THE !

So you think your husband changed, huh? Try this: SET HIM UP with someone. Have a woman sit next to him at a restaurant or bar that you know he goes to either alone or with clients, if he goes out with clients, and see what he does. Have her come on to him and insinuate that she'd like to spend the night with him or see him later that week. I will bet that he will most likely GO FOR IT! I hope he doesn't, and if he doesn't, you are ONE LUCKY WOMAN! If you don't really want to know whether he will cheat or not, then don't do it.

I tried it once with a man I was seeing for several months and where things had progressed to where it seemed that we were bonding emotionally quite nicely. Well, I discovered that he did NOT care about me, he wasn't even in love with me, and he didn't care whether he would hurt me or not. I dumped his sorry AS*, and guess what? He got angry with ME because I checked up on him and I found him out. That is a very common thing with cheaters, they turn the tables on you and blame YOU because you had the audacity to not trust them and to check up on them! Can you imagine that? Instead of saying "Oh, , she found out I'm an AS*HOLE and I've hurt her in the one area she feared, I need to apologize and explain," no, they just try to blame it on you.

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope your husband is as good as you believe him to be.

You will have to answer this question yourself! Can you get past the cheating? That means you can never mention it when you two fight or try and throw it up in his face!

As far as changing your man has to do that on his own! He will change his behavior if he wants to... not because you tell him how you feel! If he wants to be with you and knows that he hurt you... perhaps he can change... but what if he does not? Are you willing to walk away?

I think there is more to this that the one physical affair.

All things being equal, he was IMing, doing the sex chat online, talking about being with other women, exchanging nude pictures with other women, doing the Facebook thing... and now it progressed to actual physical contact.

Is it not just different degrees of cheating? To me, it adds up to a very dishonest person to be doing this secretly, while having you on the side. He changed the relationship with you, with the first keystroke with those three letters, s-e-x.

He knows that he is cheating, emotionally, and now physically. Seeking out other women while committed, supposedly to one, is not building on a trusting, honest relationship. It is quite the opposite, it is tearing it down.

I would not be so concerned with 'proof'. You have all the proof you need. The question is, do you need to have some space to figure out if you want to continue a relationship with a man who shows so little regard for you, that he has sex with strangers.

Does he measure up to the quality of character you need in a man, or are you seeing more of a morally bankrupt person now. Certainly he is not the person you thought he was.

It is up to you to decide whether investing a good deal of yourself emotionally to help him, or 'fix' him, or change him, is worth your time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Trying2Cope

You will have to answer this question yourself! Can you get past the cheating? That means you can never mention it when you two fight or try and throw it up in his face!

As far as changing your man has to do that on his own! He will change his behavior if he wants to...not because you tell him how you feel! If he wants to be with you and knows that he hurt you........ perhaps he can change..... but what if he does not? Are you willing to walk away?

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From a guys stand point, he cheated on you the minute he was sending all those sex messages on myspace, it goes to prinicple. Then with the obvious sex acts that he did he cheated. People can change, but you can change people or minupulate them in order to what you want them or idolize them. Since he did it, it created HUGE TRUST issues with you too. IF you take him back yes, you can't ever bring it up. But if you let him go, that is a big step for you stating you won't stand for cheating because its just plain wrong!

I haven't read your whole thread but your intro line says it all. He cheated. You haven't been together for 40 years, get rid of him!! Accept he is not ready for a mature relationship and you deserve to have someone who respects you enough to not betray you. Early in realationships, first few years, if a man (or woman) cheats they are NOT committed to you. They may be scared to admit it to themselves let alone you but really, they've cheated and besides giving you lord knows what disease they've picked up with fishing in the gutter they've broken a sacred trust that can not be repaired after only a few years of relationship.

Tell yourself he was not the one for you and that somewhere there is someone that will fill all his inadequatcies and you won't have to be without the things you want in a man.

Hi kitcub,


How many times do you have to be dumped on!

He is very immature and totally selfish.

You will continue to let him off the hook, like you have this last year.

Don't fall for it again, and again, and again...

He will always lie himself out of trouble, do yourself a... HUGE... favour and dump him.