Ask Me Help Desk - This guy from my job is driving me crazy... need advice

So I don't really know how to say this so I'll just go out and say it: I've been working in an office for almost a year (it will be a year in the next few months) and I've been having a really hard time trying to work there because of a co-worker. He started months after me and since he started working with us, he can't get his eyes or hands off me (and I can't say that I mind). It started very normal- he was a nice guy just trying to get to know me. He asked me what I did outside the office, what my hobbies were, my interests, etc.

I started to notice that things got a little accelerated after maybe two months of talking to him, he started acting different towards me. Looking at me more, wanting to spend time with me more within the office, he basically always had to be AROUND me. Always found a way to be in the same space I was. He helped me with projects when no one else would, was kind to me (listened to me, gave me career advice), bought me lunch on more than one occasion, offered to give me a ride home on more than one occasion, has done nearly everything under the sun to try and get me to laugh, when I went on vacation he called me the day I came back to tell me he missed me, he's told me he loves to make me smile and laugh... this has been going on for months. And again a lot of the physical attention- a soft touch on the arm, shoulder, back, etc. and very obvious sexual questions that he doesn't ask any of his other co-workers. Lots of eye contact and sighing and very close chats- he is always very physically close to me. I felt like he was giving me mixed signals. Then I found out he had a girlfriend and every time I would ask him about her he shrunk away and avoided the topic- he's been having relationship issues with her because she is too possessive.

When I found out I was a little disappointed, but not that much. It's hard because he kept coming on to me. And I already had more than a crush on him. I just wanted to know what his deal was because I was confused. More time has passed like this but we stopped talking for quite some time because I confronted him about his mixed signals and he didn't give me the answers I thought he would give- he basically evaded my questions and left me even more confused. I was finally able to pry an answer from him recently, we were sitting in the office just relaxing, and I could feel the sexual tension- I wanted to make a move and told him about it and he posed the question- why do you like me so much? And he started to say something about him being a jerk off and all... I was left speechless and I could do was ask more questions. I asked what kind of attraction he had for me (My gut has been telling me the entire time that he only wanted a sexual relationship with me, but every time I tried to make a big move, not a grab or pat on the back more like a kiss, he's withdrawn, despite all the sexual attention he gives me- leaving me more puzzled. He continues to deny that he has any feelings for me and won't even admit that he gives me sexual attention even though everyone else in the office knows it's true!) and he said he was sexually attracted to me, before someone walked into the room and we ended the conversation. He keeps asking me what my plans are after my contract is up and my job hits one year of being here, he's asked me at least three times, and I usually change the answer. But I wonder why he cares so much, I haven't asked him...

My big question in all this is- what the hell is going on here? I would like to think this guy just wants to bang me but why all the hesitation, why doesn't he like it when I come on to him but he likes it when he comes on to me? Why all the denial about how he acts towards me? Is it possible that he is conflicted because he loves his girlfriend (he doesn't talk about her much to me) but desires me? I honestly think he is confused (and he is confusing me) and doesn't know what to do. He has never asked me out on a date or even to hang out after work, but he tries to get me to walk in the same direction he does to get his train to go home or just asks me to spend some time with him (and gets offended when I don't).

I know this sounds super wrong and shady and incorrect, because he is my co-worker and is with someone, etc. but I just need to know what's going on so I can stop focusing on him and focus on my job. Some days it is impossible to work there with him. All he's told me is that he is sexually attracted to me and I know I am to him. I'm not even sure he likes my personality or likes me at all outside of this context. Any feedback about similar personal experiences would help.

I doubt that he has one ounce of intention to follow through with you. There is just a certain kind of man who cannot work in an office without some sexual tension to get him through the day. And I suspect that he has done this before and will again, and will never leave his girlfriend or even cheat on her.

You admit that you have a crush so you have to force yourself to STOP this now, before you both lose your jobs. He seems more aware of that danger than you do, because he asks you what your plans are after your contract is up. I would NOT have contact with him then either. I suspect that he loves his possessive girlfriend, and likes the thrill of fooling around behind her back. He's like a 10 year old with a hand in the cookie jar, and she's his mother! Don't keep this up.

He may just like the fun of the chase, at work. He may be bored. Or he may feel you a threat at work for his job ? He then distracts you, finds out things he can use against you.

So ask him, if you want to "bang" him... love that word... then ask him direct. You are both adults. But the playing around at work needs to end, I am sure it is obvious to co-workers and can cause trouble at work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I doubt that he has one ounce of intention to follow through with you. There is just a certain kind of man who cannot work in an office without some sexual tension to get him through the day. And I suspect that he has done this before and will again, and will never leave his girlfriend or even cheat on her.

You admit that you have a crush so you have to force yourself to STOP this now, before you both lose your jobs. He seems more aware of that danger than you do, because he asks you what your plans are after your contract is up. I would NOT have contact with him then either. I suspect that he loves his possessive girlfriend, and likes the thrill of fooling around behind her back. He's like a 10 year old with a hand in the cookie jar, and she's his mother! Don't keep this up.

Did you mean intention or attention? And did you mean follow through as in pursue any kind of relationship? Thank you for the response by the way, this sounds very much like him! I really appreciate it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

He may just like the fun of the chase, at work. He may be bored. Or he may feel you a threat at work for his job ? He then distracts you, finds out things he can use against you.

So ask him, if you want to "bang" him... love that word... then ask him direct. You are both adults. But the playing around at work needs to end, I am sure it is obvious to co-workers and can cause trouble at work.

Haha love that word too and thank you for the response! I really appreciate it! I will put an end to his behavior.

You could always ask what the hell he's up to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You could always ask what the hell he's up to.

He'll never give me a direct answer- he will avoid any question that I throw at him that has to do with the two of us and how we interact with each other. Or maybe I haven't been direct enough? He just always denies.

Bottom line, your job is about you doing your job, not socializing or meeting someone to bang. The fact that you're so focused on him and his so called mixed messages, when you're supposed to be working, and being paid to work, is worrisome.

Let's break it down. He flirts, but he's never asked you out, he's never actually made a real pass at you, and he has told you that he has a girlfriend. You're attracted to him, but what do you think will come out of this? You hope he just messes around with you, bangs you for a while, and then goes back to the girlfriend he's obviously not ready to leave? What do you want out of this, and what effect will it have on your career?

Sounds like it's time to tell him to back off, let you do what you're being paid to do, which is not flirt with him and try to decode his mixed messages. Tell him to spend his efforts on his girlfriend instead of you, and then concentrate on your career.

This is a dead end street. At the most he just wants to have sex with you. At the least he's just messing with you for fun. Either way, he's not worth your time or effort. Spend that effort on your job.

You might want to consider the fact that you know he is in a serious relationship, and yet continues to play with you. That says much about his character.

You might also want to consider that you play along, fully aware that he does have a serious relationship. That also says much about your character.

By not stopping him, he's getting the idea that you like him (as you've said), yet the boundaries are not defined, because he is involved with another woman.

If I were to take a stab at it, I'd say that two people who engage in inappropriate conduct at work, do not hold ethics and respect for the workplace, of much importance, obviously.

And don't think your co-workers and bosses have not noticed the tacky behavior going on between the two of you.

Keep it up and you'll lose your job.

No intention of following through = he doesn't intend to follow through, and yes, pursue a real relationship.

Any man who stays with a possessive woman and complains about her while flirting really is a child acting out against a controlling mother type. And think - maybe her 'possessiveness' is partly BECAUSE he flirts and taunts her with it. He is playing a game that you don't seem to get yet. She may dump him eventually. Do you want a man like this? Do you think he would be different with you?

All this drama and intrigue built around a sexual attraction between coworkers may be fascinating you but lets be real, other than his work persona you know nothing about this dude, or his "possessive" girlfriend which he never elaborates on.

Heck you don't even talk on the phone/text after work hours. So it comes down to you wanting him to make a move so you can explore more, but he doesn't which means you are wasting your time trying to make a work fantasy become real.

What are you bored with your social life outside of work or something? Or just like the attention he pays you? This is but a distraction for you both it seems. Ask yourself why you are even going along with this artificial crap. LOL, if you really got to know each other, you probably wouldn't even like each other, since you see how he is when he ISN'T with his partner.

Of course you aren't paying much attention to anything but the LUST. I understand though that LUST, drama, and intrigue feels good, but is it good for you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Bottom line, your job is about you doing your job, not socializing or meeting someone to bang. The fact that you're so focused on him and his so called mixed messages, when you're supposed to be working, and being paid to work, is worrisome.

Let's break it down. He flirts, but he's never asked you out, he's never actually made a real pass at you, and he has told you that he has a girlfriend. You're attracted to him, but what do you think will come out of this? You hope he just messes around with you, bangs you for a while, and then goes back to the girlfriend he's obviously not ready to leave? What do you want out of this, and what effect will it have on your career?

Sounds like it's time to tell him to back off, let you do what you're being paid to do, which is not flirt with him and try to decode his mixed messages. Tell him to spend his efforts on his girlfriend instead of you, and then concentrate on your career.

This is a dead end street. At the most he just wants to have sex with you. At the least he's just messing with you for fun. Either way, he's not worth your time or effort. Spend that effort on your job.

Thank you for the response!

In addition to what the others have said, in many companies this would be considered sexual harassment. Time to turn back your hormones and focus on your career.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

You might want to consider the fact that you know he is in a serious relationship, and yet continues to play with you. That says much about his character.

You might also want to consider that you play along, fully aware that he does have a serious relationship. That also says much about your character.

By not stopping him, he's getting the idea that you like him (as you've said), yet the boundaries are not defined, because he is involved with another woman.

If I were to take a stab at it, I'd say that two people who engage in inappropriate conduct at work, do not hold ethics and respect for the workplace, of much importance, obviously.

And don't think your co-workers and bosses have not noticed the tacky behavior going on between the two of you.

Keep it up and you'll lose your job.

Thank you for the honest input.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

In addition to what the others have said, in many companies this would be considered sexual harassment. Time to turn back your hormones and focus on your career.

Thank you- like the honest response! I like that you used hormones- right on point here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

No intention of following through = he doesn't intend to follow through, and yes, pursue a real relationship.

Any man who stays with a possessive woman and complains about her while flirting really is a child acting out against a controlling mother type. And think - maybe her 'possessiveness' is partly BECAUSE he flirts and taunts her with it. He is playing a game that you don't seem to get yet. She may dump him eventually. Do you want a man like this? Do you think he would be different with you?

I definitely don't- and I had a feeling that he was acting out against her and I did catch on to it, but a part of me didn't want to believe because he was constantly changing his behavior. He can be very childish- thanks for replying to my question by the way, I have more clarity now.

Professional relationships need to remain professional. While he may be attractive in many ways, he is off limits in terms of his existing relationship as well as your professional relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

All this drama and intrigue built around a sexual attraction between coworkers may be fascinating you but lets be real, other than his work persona you know nothing about this dude, or his "possessive" girlfriend which he never elaborates on.

Heck you don't even talk on the phone/text after work hours. So it comes down to you wanting him to make a move so you can explore more, but he doesn't which means you are wasting your time trying to make a work fantasy become real.

What are you bored with your social life outside of work or something? Or just like the attention he pays you? This is but a distraction for you both it seems. Ask yourself why you are even going along with this artificial crap. LOL, if you really got to know each other, you probably wouldn't even like each other, since you see how he is when he ISN'T with his partner.

Of course you aren't paying much attention to anything but the LUST. I understand though that LUST, drama, and intrigue feels good, but is it good for you?

Thanks for the follow-up: you're right about everything. Maybe I'm bored as much as he is, before he started working there the office was a boring place. But this shouldn't be a reason for me to follow his little games. I do like the attention, but it's 1) wasting my time and effort and 2)interfering with my work life. As for the social life thing, pretty on point there as well. Need to branch out and expand my social circle OUTSIDE of work. And no all of this has been driving me crazy (in both good and bad ways) and it's going to stop. Thanks again for the response- it's helped me gain more insight. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Professional relationships need to remain professional. While he may be attractive in many ways, he is off limits in terms of his existing relationship as well as your professional relationship.

These definitely two things I need to put into perspective- it's my first real world job and although I knew these already.. I was swayed by hormones. Thanks for the follow-up! Appreciate it :)

Quote:

it's my first real world job and although I knew these already.. I was swayed by hormones.

That explains a lot, and be aware we ALL have gone through this LEARNING experience. Hormones are HUMAN, and rather DISTRACTING.

Do not flirt with, fool around with, or date someone you work with. Even if they are single and available. Which this one clearly isn't. Never saw anything good come from it, and always saw plenty of bad. Including BOTH people ending up fired in more than one situation. Meaning they WON'T qualify for unemployment benefits.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

That explains a lot, and be aware we ALL have gone through this LEARNING experience. Hormones are HUMAN, and rather DISTRACTING.

THANK YOU SO MUCHHHH! I wasn't feeling very good about all this, but I'm sure it happens more than I know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Do not flirt with, fool around with, or date someone you work with. Even if they are single and available. Which this one clearly isn't. Never saw anything good come from it, and always saw plenty of bad. Including BOTH people ending up fired in more than one situation. Meaning they WON'T qualify for unemployment benefits.

Thanks for the response- I had a general idea that this wasn't a good path to go down. That last part definitely isn't something I want. Appreciate it!

You are welcome... 34 years in the work force since graduating college... I do understand WHY people do it... but if and when a breakup happens... its almost certain to get ugly. Lost count of how many ugly incidents I've seen... almost always ended up with at least one fired... many times both when they got into an argument in the workplace, there were even a few fist fights, that's how bad most of them got. You both work there, you both need your jobs and neither of you can retreat away from the other as a result

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

You are welcome... 34 years in the work force since graduating college... I do understand WHY people do it... but if and when a breakup happens... its almost certain to get ugly. Lost count of how many ugly incidents I've seen... almost always ended up with at least one fired... many times both when they got into an argument in the workplace, there were even a few fist fights, that's how bad most of them got. You both work there, you both need your jobs and neither of you can retreat away from the other as a result

Definitely taking your word seriously, this is my first job, fresh out of college and I'm still trying to figure out how the real world works. In the end it isn't worth it. Actually, this entire time, it hasn't been worth it. Only wastes time and causes headaches and more stress. Appreciate the follow up! :)