Ask Me Help Desk - Opinions wanted: Traits of men (in relationships specifically) w/ no parental bond.

Hi everyone, I wanted to solicit your opinions about men who don't have any parental bonds (or limited/unhealthy/etc).

Two of my exes (over an 8 year span) reached out to me after they found I was single... to which I replied (of sorts)... NO THANK YOU. I'm ENJOYING THIS SINGLE MOMMYHOOD... LOVING IT (no McDonald's needed lol).

Anyhow, IT JUST DAWNED ON ME...

That the 3 guys I dated (long term) over the last 8 years.
Guy 1) 5 months
Guy 2) 1.3 years
Guy 3) Almost 2 years, most recent...

Have something really uncanny in common... ALL THREE didn't have any relationships with their father AT ALL and the mothers were either completely absent as well or they were VERY off/distant/didn't live them.

Guy 1) Father died when he was a child and was sent off to live in France with relatives as the mother had a nervous break (in the us) and didn't raise him.

Guy 2) Mother died during child birth and he was sent (with brother) to live with relatives (met his father at 19 and he never saw him again, terrible experience for him).

Guy 3) Never met the father. Mother wasn't sure what his name was (wow) and mother raised him and two sibblings in a house WITH NO MAN around... VERY unnuturing/uninvolved... to this day, they speak MAYBE once a year... hasn't seen his mother/brothers in 10 years... yikes...

Anyhow, Isn't that ironic? And it's not just about them... Perhaps, "I" am seeing some kind of trait subconsciously in them that I'm strangely and unhealthily attracted to (wanna find out what it is and squash the living *** out of it)... so anyhow, I want your thoughts on this and also if you know any MEN who don't have ANY kind of relationship with the father and very limited or an unnurturing relationship with the mother... how did it affect this guy in question... especially as it relates to relationships...

Thanks,
SpicyWings

I'm not sure all of us share your definition of "long term" when it comes to relationships. I would call even 2 years not long term. So the length of the relationship you mentioned would just be a data point. Plus there are so many other variables that any conclusion drawn would be incredibly unscientific.

Well, I suppose the long term part... it's all relative based on individual perspective so I respect that.

But specifically, I wanted to know if anyone had any thoughts about "men who don't have any parental bonds (or limited/unhealthy/etc)" and traits one may have. Many "non-scientific" studies or reports have been discussed about men who have poor relationships with their mothers and how they deal with relationships so I thought I'd expand it a bit. Again, I realize it's not scientific.. . was just probing for opinions or personal experiences from others.

The other side of the coin. (Girl A)I dated a woman for 2-3ish years, and she didn't have a good relationship with her father from about 12 on. He decided (and I am finding it harder and harder to fault him on it) that he didn't want that family anymore and up and left. (Girl B)My ex-wife's father was abusive and her biological parents split up when she was 10 or so. Her mother's next boyfriend/husband wasn't too kind with them either, but it was more mental/emotional. (Girl C)A short term relationship I had was with a woman who's father was there physically, but was distant from the family and the mother.

What I found is that their relationship, and I see this with my wife as well, with me reflected in a way their relationship with their father. Girl B, didn't know how to have a mature relationship and deal with conflict in a non-violent and non-abusive manner. Her idea of how to communicate was verbally violent. I don't roll that way and I am more passive and tend to compromise more. It was her relationship with her father that imprinted her "love map" and a lot of the relationships that she had were non-functional because of that.

Girl A, didn't trust men too much. She was certain that they'd leave and she'd push them away. She didn't communicate well and tended to test and test until I failed. So she was a bit abusive in that regard. Eventually she'd realized that we'd drifted because she'd checked out, it made it easier to leave because she wasn't there any more, and left. It just kind of cemented her idea of me, skewed as it may have been, and it was easy. Having the most important man in your life leave when you're young messed up her "love map" as well because she couldn't expect permanency and when confronted with trying to fix things it is not worth it. I saw this with a lot of her relationships before me as well.

Girl C, what she saw as a functional relationship was a distant one. There wasn't much intimacy seen so that is what she came to expect from a relationship. I am not that way. It didn't work.

My wife had a decent relationship with her father and I can see how she deals with us as a shadow of how her parents deal with their relationship.

What my point is, and I can't fathom it being only females, is that the nurture part of growing up gives a person an idea of what life in a relationship should be like. If you don't realize this and have a series of failed relationships then it might be time to look within rather then without.

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Anyhow, Isn't that ironic? And it's not just about them... Perhaps, "I" am seeing some kind of trait subconsciously in them that I'm strangely and unhealthily attracted to (wanna find out what it is and squash the living *** out of it)

I think that is more the issue than the guys themselves, and that's something to explore and change. Lack of training/nurturing, and role models, and mentoring happens to men, AND women. As well as the attachments formed during dating/experimenting, and the transition to deeper commitments. That's what dating relationships are really about as we find out who we are, as well as who you are dealing with is the whole point.

To your question though, some men have more flaws than others, and some deal with the reality of their lives better than others. At least you have become conscious of the choices YOU make, and can adjust your choices going forward. Most of us are like that I think as sometimes we just keep picking the same types of partners until we figure out things about ourselves, and can let go of being stuck in a time warp of repeating the same mistakes over, and over because of it. Hey we like what we like, whether it's good in the long term or not. Knowing better doesn't always help when the attractions are strong and intense. We take a chance anyway.

Everyone carries a certain amount of old baggage into a relationship. The key is how they relate to their partner and deal with the flaws we find in each other, as well as ourselves.

I agree, I may only count the 2 years as long term, 5 months is not enough to even know the person.

No, it is very strange that all of the people you find, have family issues, I would guess, that it is either "where" you are looking, or there is some outward trait that they do, you find appealing. (or of course just dumb luck)

I personally don't consider any of the three long term... there are a lot of things you won't even see until after 3 or more years which is how long it takes for people to stop being on their best behavior and figuratively let their hair down.

My point exactly. Maybe those three got bored, hit their usual time limit on the relationship, met someone else, decided to move on, etc. In dealing with humans you have to consider all variables.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I personally don't consider any of the three long term... there are a lot of things you won't even see until after 3 or more years which is how long it takes for people to stop being on their best behavior and figuratively let their hair down.