Ask Me Help Desk - Why hasn't this guy contacted me after the first date?

I got a message on Facebook from a guy who recently friended me. We have mutual friends on Facebook and I sort of knew him so it wasn't weird. He asked me what I was doing that night and I said not much, so he wanted to take me out to the bar because he said "that's where I'll be". He ended up picking me up instead of us meeting there, which was what was originally going to happen. And right before he picked me up he asked if he could bring his best friend and his girlfriend to double date with us there. I sort of knew his friend so I said it would be fine. Anyway. So I was really nervous for this date because he was really good looking and seemed like a really genuinely nice guy. I felt like throughout the time at the bar I was a little quiet because his friend kept staring me down and giving me weird looks, plus I get awkward around new people and he put me in an intimidating situation with his best friend there. I thought everything went well though because he made it seem like there was going to be a second date. He wanted to play golf with the four of us the next morning and everything. I talked to him and we got to know each other while having a few drinks, even if there were two extra people there. Everything was fine until he dropped me off. I got a text from him that was really short and sweet. "Thanks, I had fun." And I said I had a good time too, and I told him good night but he didn't say good night back. Then the next morning we were supposed to go golfing and he said he'd text me the time. I waited for him to text me. Never did. Is he just not interested and wanted to be nice about it? Because I got mixed signals based on the first date.

You sort of knew him, which means you know someone that knew him. He asked you out, at a last moment, and then changed plans two or three times before you ever went out.

Honestly he does not sound like a real dependable guy, and it sounds like you were a last minute plan.

It also sounds like he is not going to ask you out again and for some reason, or no reason he is not interested. This is why we date, to see if people are a good choice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You sort of knew him, which means you know someone that knew him. He asked you out, at a last moment, and then changed plans two or three times before you ever went out.

Honestly he does not sound like a real dependable guy, and it sounds like you were a last minute plan.

It also sounds like he is not going to ask you out again and for some reason, or no reason he is not interested. This is why we date, to see if people are a good choice.

I feel like it was all last minute, but personally, I like spontaneous situations like this. I figured, why not? Even if I didn't know him that well. I was ready to get back out there and start dating again. But it did seem kind of rude that he changed the bar we were going to and he also invited his friends last minute. So I completely agree with you about him not being very dependable.

I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I did something wrong during the date, when I was really just nervous if anything. Who isn't on the first date? So if he didn't want to give me a second chance or something came up, I'm not going to worry about it anymore because that's not my business. There are lots of other fish in the sea for me to date.

It was a fun date, nothing more, nothing less. Don't worry about reading this fellow's mind, or guessing at his motives, he is a stranger you barely knew, and never think of a date as a FIRST, its JUST a date. Seems you were filling out a third wheel any way. No biggie, blind dates can be fun(?), but double dates are often about engaging the other couple, not just the guy you are with.

You met on Facebook (sort of), and it was more of a hangout, than date, but there will be more, just keep those expectations for romance, and second dates realistic, and those changes in plans won't bother you. Nor will you get caught up in the bar talk plans for tomorrow. Maybe the other couple had a change in plans, you will never know, unless you asked, so don't even dwell on it.

You get 10 points for exploring out of your comfort zone, and that's a good thing, because really you lost NOTHING by checking these strangers out, and won't be as nervous the next time you EXPLORE. You may even get comfortable to ask someone to explore on your turf and terms someday.

That's what dating is all about anyway right? Hanging out and having fun getting to know people. Of course its possible it doesn't click that well, and you take it in stride and be ready to explore the next adventure. Yes there are more fish in the sea than you could possibly imagine, so don't get stuck on this one.

There are almost infinite reasons for what went on.
One idea that came to my mind, given that the male friend of his kept 'giving you weird looks,' is that there is a girlfriend who fought with him or even broke up with him, and you were a rebound date. No harm intended! They got back together. Plus, he's drinking, and trying to be into it all, but maybe the booze prompted him to want to play golf the next day. Maybe he changed bars because that's where he and his gf always go.
WHO KNOWS??? I can imagine other scenarios too.

If you are going to go on spontaneous dates to bars, you need a thick skin.
A first date should be daytime, a stroll down main street with an ice cream or coffee, and you drive yourself so you can leave when you want.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flickmorg23

I feel like it was all last minute, but personally, I like spontaneous situations like this. I figured, why not? Even if I didn't know him that well. I was ready to get back out there and start dating again. But it did seem kind of rude that he changed the bar we were going to and he also invited his friends last minute. So I completely agree with you about him not being very dependable.

How long ago did the 'date' happen?

How long were you out of the dating pool?

You said that you have mutual friends. How good are those friendships? Is there a chance that it might not have been his idea to ask you out? I am not saying that he was unwilling, but that perhaps a well-meaning friend was the catalyst for the date. It might explain his other actions that night.

Have you tried texting/calling him or messaging him on Facebook?

Thoughts on why he didn't text:

Maybe something major happened and he had a good reason for forgetting.
How many drinks did he and/or the other couple have? Perhaps they weren't quite sober or had hangovers the next morning.
He didn't have your number or had a wrong number. Perhaps a text didn't go through and he was left thinking you didn't respond to him.
Something on Facebook through him off.
He is a jerk and was stringing you along.

I agree that it is probably better to let this fish swim away. But if this happened fairly recently, like this last weekend, you might give him a chance to explain if he does contact you.

Were you wearing your braces ? I hope not, that is a real off putter to some people

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

Were you wearing your braces ? I hope not, that is a real off putter to some people

No, I wasn't wearing braces. I had braces before so I have a perfectly straight smile. I was thinking it was because there were often a lot of awkward silences because we were both kind of quiet during the date.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How long ago did the 'date' happen?

How long were you out of the dating pool?

You said that you have mutual friends. How good are those friendships? Is there a chance that it might not have been his idea to ask you out? I am not saying that he was unwilling, but that perhaps a well-meaning friend was the catalyst for the date. It might explain his other actions that night.

Have you tried texting/calling him or messaging him on Facebook?

Thoughts on why he didn't text:

Maybe something major happened and he had a good reason for forgetting.
How many drinks did he and/or the other couple have? Perhaps they weren't quite sober or had hangovers the next morning.
He didn't have your number or had a wrong number. Perhaps a text didn't go through and he was left thinking you didn't respond to him.
Something on Facebook through him off.
He is a jerk and was stringing you along.

I agree that it is probably better to let this fish swim away. But if this happened fairly recently, like this last weekend, you might give him a chance to explain if he does contact you.

This date happened on Saturday night. So May 2nd! So obviously recent. When he asked where I wanted to go out for drinks, I suggested the Twin Lake bar because I don't go to bars and I didn't really know which one to go to. He changed it on me last second and said we should go to the Blind Squirrel Tavern, which is a restaurant with a bar. And he asked if I would be okay meeting his two friends there. The four of us sat at a raised table, and he paid for my drinks on his tab, to give you a good visual on the date.

I did contact him the next day and said "Hey!" because we had plans to go golfing and I wanted to see what was up. I waited all morning for him to text me first so I had to choke back my pride a little and just messaged him first in case he thought I didn't like him. He responded with "Hey sorry I woke up late today", even though I saw he was active on Facebook earlier that morning. So I asked him what he was up to and he said "Golfing with Josh. Ashley is out with friends so me and Josh went real quick. Then to my mom's house to move a fridge and washer dryer." Exact words. And I told him I was outside in the garden planting flowers and probably dropping off job apps later that day. He never responded back. That's where I got mixed signals because if he really wasn't interested in me, why would he respond back?

As far as mutual friends goes, I only knew one of his friends and she was best friends with my sister but I know for a fact that she didn't recommend the two of us going out because we're not close. I'm not sure what his intentions were with this date because either

A. He actually wanted to get to know me better and have casual drinks but didn't want to feel awkward if things went wrong so he made it a double date

B. He took me out get drunk with and maybe hook up

I only had two Angry orchard hard ciders that night and he had two beers so I don't think that was the case. He seemed like a really sweet guy. Ashley didn't drink anything and Josh had a quite a few beers already in his system from earlier that day as well as a few more at the bar. He was honestly a complete airhead. Joe, the guy who asked me out was nothing like him and really nice.

Also, the guy friend he brought is my second cousin on my mom's side, but our families rarely ever associate with each other. I've only seen him at weddings and a few open houses. And I knew of the girlfriend my cousin brought, but I'd never met her before that.

And to answer your question about dating: I was recently dating a guy for 2 months but it wasn't anything serious and I ended it towards the end of April so not long ago.

Take him at his word, the plan changed and he got busy. End of story really, nice change of pace hangout "DATE(?)"!! I have had worse Saturdays myself. No BIGGIE.

I find this often happens. Far too many expectations, and not enough substance to justify any meaning to any of it.

I would advise you to simply stop spinning over this, and consider whatever it would have or could have been, or what you thought it was, or what he thought of you or what was up with that. Let it go.

Don't contact him, and should he wish to contact you with a firm date, without an entourage (in other words, on YOUR terms), then I would go, and see if the second date was better than the first date that had promise but turned sour. Be careful, and cautious.

A guy doesn't call when he wasn't impressed on the first date. Doesn't mean it went bad... or anything like that... to him it might have been like, "Meh!, I've had better." Rather than "WOW....I wanna do that again!"

He clearly still likes you , but he may no have gotten the vibes that tells him he might want to take this to the next level. Not all friends are suitable for boyfriend/girlfriend material. I'm a guy, and I've had female friends I've known since kindergarten, good friends, that never progressed to that next level. At 53... that should tell you something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I find this often happens. Far too many expectations, and not enough substance to justify any meaning to any of it.

I would advise you to simply stop spinning over this, and consider whatever it would have or could have been, or what you thought it was, or what he thought of you or what was up with that. Let it go.

Don't contact him, and should he wish to contact you with a firm date, without an entourage (in other words, on YOUR terms), then I would go, and see if the second date was better than the first date that had promise but turned sour. Be careful, and cautious.

Well thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it. I'm already letting it go with this guy. I have been. Life isn't always fair and it doesn't always go the way you want it to, that's the beauty of trial and error. The way I see it, I've gained more dating experience by going out with this guy and wandering outside my comfort zone. I know there are plenty of other guys out there for me to date. I just love the psychology of it all and I just wanted to wrack my brain around his motives for this particular situation for future reference and for myself.

You're right. I shouldn't have such high hopes or expectations for a simple "date", with a stranger none the less. I wasn't trying to come off as clingy. Sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for a guy to know that a woman likes him so I thought it wouldn't hurt to shoot the first text in the morning. I'm not going to try and further analyze this anymore because it's not worth my time. That's just one of my many dispositions I guess. I tend to over speculate things like this and assume there's something wrong with me or try to understand the other person.

I just need to focus on myself because I have a life too, and I'm not going to let something small or petty like this get me down. If it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be. I'm not going to try and force it. I shouldn't have to look around or wait for a guy to validate my existence. Or wait to be appreciated by someone who can't figure it out. There's someone out there who will find me irresistible and take me the way I am without hesitation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flickmorg23

No, I wasn't wearing braces. I had braces before so I have a perfectly straight smile. I was thinking it was because there were often a lot of awkward silences because we were both kind of quiet during the date.

Nothing in common then, nothing to talk about, is the way I see it. I can picture the two of you looking around, saying nothing and him wondering what he was doing there.

Date many, date often, and have fun. Stop worrying about every date being a possible relationship. Just go out, have fun, and if he calls for a second date, and you're interested, then go and have fun again.

It was one date, only one. Maybe you two just didn't vibe, and both of you have to for it to lead to something more. If you like him, see if he calls to hang out again. But don't sit around waiting for him to call.

Meet people, go out, make dates, and let yourself relax. Have fun, you're young, you're single, no reason to see every guy that asks you out, as a potential boyfriend. You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and the guys. Just relax a bit.