Ask Me Help Desk - Confused feeling to my husband

I met my husband online dating site 2012, and married 2014. We living 10000 miles away. When we are gf/bf we having problem communicating to each other because when he is busy he will not online 2-3 weeks. Then after, things like normal again, we never fight or had arguments and anything, things always like that. I told him to have time as much as he can but still the same. He never fails in terms of financial needs. Sometimes I feel bad, I feel ignored, sometimes I feel jealous but never get mad on him even I tell myself to get mad or maybe I love and trust him much. Now I feel confused to think bad what he is doing, if he really ignoring me or he still love me or not? Or he found someone else. Is someone also have this or been in this situation?

You were penpals being 10,000 miles away... boyfriend and girlfriends can hold hands, go out together and other things together. Why would you do anything with someone that isn't near you.

This whole thing sounds very suspicious. Not to mention NOT normal.

He been here every 6 months and this end of May or first weekof June is his schedule to visit.. 2016 is our plan to go to on his place.but this time I feel that he hidding something to me..

I can understand your insecurity, but hang in there a while longer because you KNOW this long distance stuff will end soon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confsedwife

He been here every 6 months and this end of May or first weekof June is his schedule to visit.. 2016 is our plan to go to on his place.but this time I feel that he hidding something to me..

How do you spend the days? Do you work? Do you have friends, hobbies? He may wonder what you do with your time, so fill it with interesting things you can tell him about.

Than you for that.. yes I think it is ensecurity also.. or jelous to his work? He have much time to his work and cant even online for a short time... This time I need also to know what is wrong on my side.. I really appriciate that.. :)

Im working on my own business,I have friends also but because of work I don't go out with them and have fun.. and I used to wait on my husband to online and spend the rest of the day chat with him..

What is your business? You do need to find time for fun, to see a movie or go put for coffee.

I am sorry, if I do not believe that he is too busy. I live in China, my sons are in America, we have programs on our cell phones like Skype, WeChat, QQ , that allow us to send messages, and even video chats (free). When my wife is in another city on business, she travels, we may not chat long, but we can, on a elevator, at lunch, or while sitting in a boring meeting, send a cute chat.

So, if he goes 2 or 3 weeks without talking to you or email, or message, it is because he does not want to. My son, when he was in the army in the war in Iraq, could send emails each week.

OH MY! Sitting there WAITING in case he calls?? What a waste of your life. You are all wrong for this kind of man. Too late. You married him. A real, legal marriage? Was family there? Does anyone know for sure what his life has been?

We can only talk with you about YOU. We don't know a single thing about him, and I'll bet you don't know much either. He either loves you honestly and is a workaholic who plans to have you live with him a year from now, or he isn't. He could be caring for a dying relative - or even a dying wife! He could be a bigamist waiting for a divorce or a child to grow older. He could be stringing you along with a total lie.
WHO KNOWS??? You took a HUGE RISK. You say you think he is hiding something.

I personally would tell him now or never. Be prepared, however, for never.

I'm surprised he found time to marry you.

I would advise you to set some realistic expectations here, even though it is after the fact.

When he visits you, have a list of questions you want answers to. Be honest, and be direct. Don't take no for an answer.

Some questions might be:

1. Is he committed to the marriage, and will he promise/guarantee that he can adjust his schedule in order to spend time at home more, and be out of town less.

2. Can he understand why you are very concerned about your future because he does not seem to care enough to at least call/Skype/text etc. every day.

3. What does he do with his time on the road- gamble/have a girlfriend(s)/drink? Ask point blank if there is another woman he is seeing.

4. Tell him you want a calendar of commitment. Dates that he will call/Skype etc. marked, days he will be home, days he will be gone, and where he is, and how he can be contacted.

Add simple things to your list of things that you need answers and commitments on.

And instead of waiting for him to call you, tell him you expect him to answer the phone when you call. Then call, and mark on the calendar when he doesn't pick up, or return your call.

Your concerns are valid. And before you waste any more time waiting for him to change, start demanding answers, and following up on what you expect. Keep track of everything, and for goodness sake, stop sitting around waiting for him! Mark on the calendar (by calendar I mean one you both have that is exactly the same), when you are going to be out to a movie, or dinner with your friends.

Your marriage sounds like a cloud full of hot air, and nothing of substance.

See if you can't take a little more control over your life and see where HE fits in, instead of the other way around.

I bet he has other wives and other families elsewhere... he has this set up PERFECTLY to pull something like that off, and each of them feel the same way you do...

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

OH MY! Sitting there WAITING in case he calls?? What a waste of your life. You are all wrong for this kind of man. Too late. You married him. A real, legal marriage? Was family there? Does anyone know for sure what his life has been?

We can only talk with you about YOU. We don't know a single thing about him, and I'll bet you don't know much either. He either loves you honestly and is a workaholic who plans to have you live with him a year from now, or he isn't. He could be caring for a dying relative - or even a dying wife! He could be a bigamist waiting for a divorce or a child to grow older. He could be stringing you along with a total lie.
WHO KNOWS??? You took a HUGE RISK. You say you think he is hiding something.

I personally would tell him now or never. Be prepared, however, for never.

Thanks joypulv:

Yes he is workaholic and he admitted that to me and can be problem when he gets old.. he never top thinking what to do and must do, he set a time frame that we must be living together by next year.Me will follow him to his place make a small business there together on his property every summer time around May- Sept. then back to my place with him and spend our time with my kids( my kids to ex) then after a year of that kind of set up will bring kids with us.. a days ago I received a message from him that he hoping that we can talk that day and he tries to send sms but sending failed.Is it like I'm expecting him to treat me the way I treating him? That I'm expecting him to do same way of managing time work and relationship? Or time difference? Sorry if I have lots of things and buts" on my mind or I am overacting ?

Guys I appreciate all your comments here and you can tell me what's your opinions...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm surprised he found time to marry you.

I would advise you to set some realistic expectations here, even though it is after the fact.

When he visits you, have a list of questions you want answers to. Be honest, and be direct. Don't take no for an answer.

Some questions might be:

1. Is he committed to the marriage, and will he promise/guarantee that he can adjust his schedule in order to spend time at home more, and be out of town less.

2. Can he understand why you are very concerned about your future because he does not seem to care enough to at least call/Skype/text etc. every day.

3. What does he do with his time on the road- gamble/have a girlfriend(s)/drink? Ask point blank if there is another woman he is seeing.

4. Tell him you want a calendar of commitment. Dates that he will call/Skype etc. marked, days he will be home, days he will be gone, and where he is, and how he can be contacted.

Add simple things to your list of things that you need answers and commitments on.

And instead of waiting for him to call you, tell him you expect him to answer the phone when you call. Then call, and mark on the calendar when he doesn't pick up, or return your call.

Your concerns are valid. And before you waste any more time waiting for him to change, start demanding answers, and following up on what you expect. Keep track of everything, and for goodness sake, stop sitting around waiting for him! Mark on the calendar (by calendar I mean one you both have that is exactly the same), when you are going to be out to a movie, or dinner with your friends.

Your marriage sounds like a cloud full of hot air, and nothing of substance.

See if you can't take a little more control over your life and see where HE fits in, instead of the other way around.

Thank you Jake" Noted I will make that kind of lists and try to do that... :)

You don't sound like someone who expects too much, although we aren't there to see you every day.
The ideal to strive for is the ability to work out concrete solutions without turning discussions into nagging. You have one or two chances to really talk about what the next year holds, with maybe even a look at the long term future.
You start with asking for a promise that day to sit down quietly alone (no kids) to talk and even write things down.
A recent study of millionaire couples showed that they aren't happy - if they are worth 10 million, they want 20, and so on. And their number one complaint about each other? Never home. Workaholics!