Ask Me Help Desk - Stuck between a rock and a hard place

Hi, I have filed for divorce after 32 years of marriage, there have been ups and downs. I have very little family living far away, and also struggling, until about ten years ago, was still a devout Italian Roman Catholic, so divorce was not even a question, and I believe that my children aged 17 -32 were all meant to be, so no regrets there.

Here is the thing, after many years of mental abuse, moving around all the time, etc, thinking that when he retired soon we would possibly move someplace warmer, etc, and maybe try to connect a bit more, he suddenly started counting down the days, and with each, he became exponentially more abusive, and negative.

I am 49, and am in pretty good shape, and look a lot younger. But nothing I've ever done or said was ever good enough.

I then found he was running around, and planning an entirely different retirement that did not include either myself or our youngest daughter.

I've gotten to the point where I have filed for divorce. He has been the "boss" for so long that he is/was pretty shocked, and because it will screw up his retirement, he's pissed.

But as I have no family I could go to, and we are trying to sell the house, and also have five pets, etc, I have been trying to stick it out there.

He goes back and forth between being nasty to mr. nice guy, mostly because until the divorce is settled, he wants to make sure I don't try to "screw him" there is lot more going on here, and it also includes the fact that my daughter is very depressed, and has been for some time. She and I would prefer to just leave.

Right now he's being nice, but it doesn't make it any easier to be here in the same house. The problem is that if we go, he will immediately start to have to pony up money for us to an apartment, etc. He claims he has no "hidden" money, so if we do that, it would drain what we have, and we will all be worse off in the long run.

We have a great house, so hope it will sell soon, and close to what we need to cover bills, etc. So hanging in would be financially better. However, it is difficult emotionally, and physically, as the roller coaster ride makes us ill, (I have lost 20 lbs in about six weeks.)

So I guess I need help deciding what to do.
Thanks, sumor, stuck between a rock and a hard place.:confused:

Your daughter is 17... is she a senior in high school? Do you work or are you a fulltime house wife? What are your older kids saying about this? How far do they live from you and him? Just some basic questions so I can get a better grip on it.

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Right now he's being nice, but it doesn't make it any easier to be here in the same house. The problem is that if we go, he will immediately start to have to pony up money for us to an apartment, etc. He claims he has no "hidden" money, so if we do that, it would drain what we have, and we will all be worse off in the long run.

That's a good way of not having to pony up the cash as he is obligated for your maintenance so he better be nice or he will have to leave. What state are you in? Your lawyer should have advised you of your rights and responsibilities already, You did go thru a lawyer, didn't you? Please say you did or your the one to get screwed. Your lawyer better not be the same as his or you may get really screwed.

Oh, dear, I am sorry for the situation that you are in. It is never easy, I assure you, whether it by 7 years (like mine was) or 32, it is always hard.

Now, I do want to point out something that you may or may not have noticed by reading your post. I read that you are a victim of domestic violence. Now understand that domestic violence can be either physical, verbal, emotional or a combination. Domestic violence is not always physical.

With that said, back to reading your post, it is imperative that you get out for the well-being of yourself, but mostly your daughter.

Victims of domestic abuse tend to justify their reasons for staying i.e. it will be in your best interests monilarily, etc.

Your best interest is the physical, mental and emotional well-being of you and your daughter. This should be priority.

Can you make him leave? If he is physically abusive, call the cops, have him arrested and get a restraining order.

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He goes back and forth between being nasty to mr. nice guy

This is the personality of a typical abusive man. It has very little, if anything, to do with the divorce, but the personality.

Do you have a job? If not, can you get one?

Please either get rid of him, or go yourself for your own health. No more excuses.

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Originally Posted by karent23

Your daughter is 17...is she a senior in high school? Do you work or are you a fulltime house wife? What are your older kids saying about this? How far do they live from you and him? Just some basic questions so I can get a better grip on it.

Hi, I work full-time but my pay is very low. I had tried to home school my daughter due to severe depression, she is now trying to get her GED, but this has been a set back for her.
Two of my older children are close by, but barely getting by themselves, and have no room. The third is too far away.

My kids all think I should have done it years ago. (Many reasons unable to then). sumor

Okay then dear. Tis time to make your move. Either kick him out or get out. Yes, it will be hard, physically and emotionally. But consider that this may (and I don't know) be the partial cause of your daughter's depression.

You work full time, your pay is low, can you get a second job? Can you get a higher paying job?

I know of many women who have low paying jobs, live in low rent apartments and get grants to go back to school. One friend just bought her first house.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel, you just have to open your eyes and look for it.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Okay then dear. Tis time to make your move. Either kick him out or get out. Yes, it will be hard, physically and emotionally. But consider that this may (and I don't know) be the partial cause of your daughter's depression.

You work full time, your pay is low, can you get a second job? Can you get a higher paying job?

I know of many women who have low paying jobs, live in low rent apartments and get grants to go back to school. One friend just bought her first house.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel, you just have to open your eyes and look for it.

Hi, thank you, I know you're right, I am working up to it. I feel to kick him out would only escalate matters. I think I may take my daughter to a "safe house". He has not hurt us physically, but the mental rollar coaster has been just as physically bad as if he were, and he doesn't see it at all, he really thinks he's a great guy.

I will post again when I can to let you know how it goes. Thanks again, I just need to get strength from somewhere. sumor

A safe house is a GREAT idea!! It is short term, but they have counseling in many of the houses, and help getting jobs, etc.

The mental and emotional can be worse than the physical. Physical scars heal, mental and emotional scars are invisible and tend to stay with you longer.

Good luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts.