My name is Charles and I am seventeen years old.
The past two months have been the worst months of my life. I don't even know where to begin...
On January 28th, my best friend committed suicide. We had been growing apart for a while, but I didn't realize that he was getting more and more distant from the people around him. In hindsight, I should have known, I should have seen the signs. On his last night, he wrote his girlfriend a letter, in which he apparently explained why he chose this path... He also included a portion that was written to me and his other friends. His girlfriend found it and read her part and, according to his wishes, did not read mine. But I never got a chance to read it, as the police confiscated it.
As time has gone on, his girlfriend and I have been a sort of mutual support system, if you will. We help each other when times are rough, I have dissuaded her from taking her own life more than once, though I had never though about taking mine.
The dominoes started falling after that, as they say. At Evan's funeral, my car was broken into and my phone was stolen. That phone had my entire life in it, including important contacts for my company (which I started on January 2nd). Since I could no longer reach those contacts, my company has basically failed.
My home life has been getting progressively worse: my stepfather and I have a long history and it seems to be all culminating now. Since Evan passed, I have become less active in my family. This elicits rude comments and raging outbursts from my stepfather. My mother, if not partaking in my berating, stands idly by. He hates me. That much is clear. My mother tries to pretend for my sake I suppose... But it getting difficult to bear on a daily basis since I can no longer leave to get away. Which brings me to my next topic.
I was in a car accident on Valentine's Day. My car was totaled and I was knocked unconscious, which made me not able to remember anything leading up to or immediately after the wreck. My mother seemed less worried about whether I was okay, and more about how much insurance will rise. Same with my stepfather except that he was far more verbally abusive than my mother.
Since the wreck, I have been doing worse in school; I find it hard to focus and find school irrelevant to my life. I am flunking three of my classes and have a D in another, all of them being core classes. My outlook for college is dwindlingly diminished.
I have also found that people have started to dislike me, some even hate me, all for reasons I know not of. Rumors spread like wildfire in school. Rumors that Evan blamed me. Rumors that it was my fault. But I can't disprove them; I never saw the letter. I do not know who was at fault.
For the past three weeks, I have entered into a state of emotional depression. I have been having suicidal thoughts and feelings, though I have yet to attempt, I feel that day grows ever near.
Please explain to me if there are any valid reasons that cannot be disproved as to why I should stay. My dilemma is: why should I stay in a world where people blame me and hate me for something that physically hurts me to even talk about??

It seems that you have been through an incredibly hard time and your only 17, but it's not worth you dying over. You want a reason to stay, firstly your young and it's tough at the moment but that's only for right now whose to say what you could be doing in 5 or 10 years? Talk to your teachers see if you can get any extra credit, get your grades up - go to college, get a fresh start. Just because your not happy at the moment, it doesn't meant you won't ever be again. Also I think if you're asking for a reason to stay I don't think you really want to go.

Your 17, and for some reason you are blaming yourself for things that happen in life. Your friend killed his self because he had a mental health issue. A bad person broke into your car. You made a foolish mistake of not having business contacts written down, but then not to be rude, at 17, you should have known who contacts were, and found them in person, or worked harder for the business.

And I have had too businesses with 100,000's of dollars invested fail, that happens, for no reason, or when we do not work the business properly.

At this point, you may start several businesses and fail many times before good success happens, or maybe the next time will be the big one.

You are only defeated because you have accept it.

You are correct in assuming that I do not want to leave, but If it will ease everyone else's burden to not have me around anymore, maybe I should...

Ease the burden? Actually it will create more burden. A parent should never lose their child. You don't know the pain you will cause your mother, no matter how much you don't think she likes you. Funerals are expensive. Unless your mother has $10,000 lying around, you will have increased her financial burden.

Bad things happen to good people. You are a good kid. It's how we handle those bad things that shape and mold our futures. You can choose to lie down and die, or you can pull up your boot straps and fight to get the old you back. It's never easy, but life isn't easy.

I remember being told I had cancer. Everyone felt sorry for me and I hated that. I could have accepted the diagnosis and accepted the death sentence I was handed, but I didn't. I didn't have time for some stupid sh1t like cancer, it annoyed me and I wanted it gone. That was 16 years ago.

My point is that everyone is dealt a crappy hand in life at least once. Do you wimp out and fold or do you put on your poker face, fight back and win?

Your first step in fighting the good fight is talking to a counselor at school, don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

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Originally Posted by You2464

You are correct in assuming that I do not want to leave, but If it will ease everyone else's burden to not have me around anymore, maybe I should...

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Screw the haters in your life, they are not important, nor do their opinions matter. You do need proper recovery, and healing through this traumatic time, better with support and love, but if all you have is YOU for now, let that be enough. You have had a very bad two months, but it will get better if you talk to a reasonable person like YOUR doctor and get the right help to guide you properly through recovery.

It seems everyone around you is hurting, and of no help right now, so promise to help yourself. Recovery takes time, and you deserve to take the time to recover. Trust me son, you will be stronger, and better for it.

You'll see.

No doctor?? Get one!!

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. Death by suicide affects everyone in your circle, particularly your friends, and no two people live their lives the same way, after such a tragedy.

That being said, while you are experiencing a deep personal loss, so too are the others that were friends with the deceased. The circle, and easy going, and fun life, suddenly came to an end, and can, and does turn nasty, when sorrow turns to anger, and anger is displaced. That displaced anger is full of 'what if's' and 'so and so did this' etc. etc. Rumours are to be expected, and some of those rumours will be very personal, inappropriate, and hurtful to the extreme.

It is important to realize that we are dealing with teenagers here, and likely this is the first loss of a friend, and the behavior will be misunderstood, and very upsetting, because the worst of people comes out (I believe) under circumstances like this, where people, particularly a group of people, have not ever experienced the emotion, let alone the healing, as adults have.

Sometimes the pain of the death, and then the pain of the remarks and behavior of friends (who seem to be ganging up on you) is something I promise you, will eventually dissipate, and stop. Please remember that. People who are upset, angry, and looking for answers (or people to blame), are often in a knee-jerk mind set, and is to be expected. It is not personal.

There are things you will never, ever know. Including the words to you in his suicide note. Instead of thinking the worst about this part, instead think of the good times, and how it 'was', and allow yourself to grieve what will never be. You will, in time, be able to think of your friend and smile.

I suggest you get yourself a diary, or notebook of some kind. Each day, write down how you're feeling, and how others are feeling and reacting to you. Every day. After a week of writing, go back and read what you have written, keeping in mind, that what is happening now, is not a permanent situation, and keep writing. You will be able to see yourself heal. You will be able to see changes in your friends as they ease up from coping with their grief. It will all come around again, and you will have helped yourself to overcome this terrible loss.

There is a beginning, a middle, and an end to grieving. Why? Because that is how nature made us. Any death is not immediately processed by the brain. It would be overwhelming, and no one would be able to cope with all the emotions at the same time without jumping off a cliff. So it comes gradually, whether you want it to or not. And whether you want it to or not, you have to go through this process, to reach the end, and carry on without the burden of coping with this loss. In time, you will simply accept it.

So, what I'm saying is, try to understand that there will be an end to the agony you are going through, and the end to the bad behavior of friends, who otherwise would not be treating you this way had a death not happened. It will take time, and not allowing yourself time, you are cheating yourself out of living a healthy life.

All the best of luck to you.

Charles bad things happen to good people. They always have and they always will. It's not going to change. When those bad things happen we go through a range of emotions like you are doing now. Losing a best friend and losing that friend to suicide has got to be difficult. So make sure you allow yourself to feel and grieve and know that not only is it okay but it's the right thing to do. From my point of view when I lose someone in my life I'm thankful for the time that person was in my life. And yes some are taken way to soon.

Regarding your parents, unfortunately you don't need a license to have children. And some adults are just crappie at parenting. That isn't a reflection on you. As a 17 year old you have less than a year where you can start making changes to your life. So be prepared if that's what you want to do.

Tomorrow is always another day and the sun is going to come up. You need to let go all the negative thoughts and find away to appreciate the true friends. If that can't happen then make new ones. I always believe when a door closes in my life it's my job to kick down the new door to start a new chapter.
Good luck!

My problem is that everyone at the school already knows me. Most think I am either annoying or a player and don't want to associate with me because of the rumors they hear. It is very hard to make new friends. I have tried to no avail...

So Charles here's the deal with that. Your classmates know you. When you are becoming a young adult you are learning about relationships. Not only friends but girlfriends or boyfriends. All of us go through this. When you're 17 those friendships are not perfect because you and your friends make mistakes. We've all been there and we've all done that. But I promise you it gets better as you mature. Your best friend left you and I know that's very difficult. But it's on him and it's not your fault. You are so allowed to make another best friend and many friends. It may not happen over night but it will happen.

I told you earlier that tomorrow is another day. What I mean by that is you never know what awesomeness is going to happen tomorrow. You could meet the love of your life. You could get an awesome job offer. You could buy the winning lottery ticket. So why give up?

I have an example. 9 years ago I got divorced. I also lost the job I loved. All my friends were there. My mom died of Alzheimers. My dad died of a brain tumor. Trust me I was in a rotten mood. I ended getting a good job. But I broke my ankle and was on crutches for 16 weeks. As an everyday sports player crutches suck. But because I lost the job I loved and because I broke my ankle I met the love of my life. That was almost 5 years ago and I married that person today. Trust me when I tell you tomorrow the sun comes up.

I wish you the best.

You aren't really ready for new friends until you deal with not only the old ones, but become a friend to yourself again first. That may take some time but you have to love yourself again, and get your confidence back.

Yeah today's reality may suck, but you get the chance for tomorrow to be better... or the next day... or SOMEday. You keep hanging in there until it does get better. You see FIRSTHAND the hurt, and chaos your troubled friends suicide has caused,so why even consider that as an option?

I will repeat though, talk to your doctor, counselor, or trusted adult because you do need the unbiased guidance, and right support until you can get yourself together.

You see FIRSTHAND the hurt, and chaos your troubled friend's suicide has caused others ( YOU, his girlfriend, his family, and friends), so why even consider that as an option? Now go get some medicine for your soul, like he could have done, but didn't!

That's why you should stay, because you can do better, and show others how to do better.