My boyfriend 28 and I 21 moved in together after being together 3 and a half years about 2 months ago. I am in nursing school and work part time bartending. He on the other hand owns his own landscaping business and feels like he needs space to focus on his business and feels like he wants to move out to do that.

I'm devastated and heartbroken willing to do anything to make it work. I feel like he's being selfish. I'm at a crossroad because he still wants to be together but move out and see me a few times a week whenever he has time. I don't know what to do or think. I love him so much been there through thick and thin helped support him through everything. He tells me he wants to marry me one day, but I can't accept the fact he's not willing to make it work now. Am I over reacting. I feel like he is turning his back on me? He is currently still at our condo but has told me several times he wants to move out and most the time really hostile about it.

Last night he said today is the day he will leave so when I go home I expect his stuff not to be there. When he wants sex all that changes and he acts nice and says he loves me. he doesn't even seem like the same person since we moved in together he used to do anything to have me by his side. I helped him get through some rough patches over the last six months and now he's on the road to start succeeding and wants to leave me behind I feel like. He said he still wants to be together when he moves out but I don't know if I can be with him.

My self esteem is really low right now, and I feel rejected.

If I were to read this right it makes me think that, while he has said that he wants to marry you, he is trying to get out of the relationships. The funny thing about relationships is that going in reverse with them often leads to them ending. Taking a break, moving out, seeing less, etc. As well a lot of relationships, like a carton of milk, have a best before date and usually need to be gotten rid of for the same reasons. It isn't because either of you are horrible people, just that things didn't work out and one or the other fell out of love.

I think moving in showed him that, while you two are compatible, you're not long term compatible. It is hard to explain, dating a person you see a certain side, but it is when you start living with a person that you see all sides of them. The important thing is that you realize that any problem he has is his problem and not yours. For example if you love to keep a REALLY clean house and he is more of a clutter or hoarder type, that could be a deal breaker for him, but shouldn't be considered a problem on your part.

That being said there are a few red flags and they centre around him getting what he wants from you, be it sex or support. I think he has been using you as a crutch to get him through his situations that he doesn't really see you as a partner any more, except when he wants sex. This is troublesome. Wanting the space to do his business instead of putting aside room in the condo for it suggests a few things but I won't speculate. His actions are speaking that he doesn't want to be with you.

I think you need to take a hard look at this and considering ending the relationship. I honestly think he's subconsciously trying to do the same but hasn't realized it. I don't think his overtures about the future of your relationship should be taken at face value. It might be a good time to cut your losses and move on. You did your best and with some relationships that is not enough.

Good luck.

You let him go, and don't let him use you for sex any more. If you totally reject his offer to stay together (under his terms and conditions, oh hell NO! ), and stop all contact with him whatsoever, you will get through your grief, and pain, mourn, and heal from this event, and your dignity and self respect will return and yourself esteem will rise again.

He has been giving you fair warnings of his intentions for quite some time now, and you should have heeded them because living and building a life with you isn't a priority with him, if it really ever was. Whatever the case, you need to fend for yourself in the real world, so can you live in the condo, and when is the lease up?

Break ups suck, and hurt like hell, but life goes on and so will you.

Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You let him go, and don't let him use you for sex any more. If you totally reject his offer to stay together (under his terms and conditions, oh hell NO! ), and stop all contact with him whatsoever, you will get through your grief, and pain, mourn, and heal from this event, and your dignity and self respect will return and yourself esteem will rise again.

He has been giving you fair warnings of his intentions for quite some time now, and you should have heeded them because living and building a life with you isn't a priority with him, if it really ever was. Whatever the case, you need to fend for yourself in the real world, so can you live in the condo, and when is the lease up?

Break ups suck, and hurt like hell, but life goes on and so will you.

Good Luck.

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Our lease is up in 10 months but he vouched to move out... but he is still at the condo as of this morning. He's been saying he wants to move out for a few weeks and then changing his mind saying he loves me and doesn't want to loose me... seems like he doesn't want to let completely go but wants to stay at a distance so he doesn't have any commitment... I will probably see him today and I don't know what to even say at this point I want him to stay and work it out with me but I can't make him and if he dies leave I know what I need to do which is cut contact

IF for any strange reason you two actually want to make another attempt at living together, I have some advice for you. It involves that boring old word COMMUNICATION. You both are busy people, and I suspect that one of you wants the other one to do more than the other - errands, cleaning, food, spending, you name it. It's very common even with people who aren't busy a lot. It involves sitting down at a table like 2 people drawing up a contract, not 'living on love.' Make 2 columns and each list your gripes, then tear that up. Take another piece of paper, 1 for each of you, and list what you NEED from the shared time together. Next to each need write down a compromise solution agreed on by both of you. Hang those on the wall.

Thanks for the added details they do help. Sorry if I assumed this was a done deal, written in stone. I should have read your first post more carefully.

It does appear though, he is for whatever reason conflicted between his commitment to you, and the need for space, but in my experience when people waffle between threatening to leave, and declaring love, and not wanting to lose you, take heed and stay alert.

He may not be ready now, but he seems to be GETTING ready for something. I don't know if you should just confront his mixed signals, and acknowledge your confusion, or if he is afraid of the deep lifetime commitment at this time.

After 3 and a half years one would think his mind would be clearer for the long term outlook of this relationship. Talk honestly and work it out, and cover your own a$$ while he is confused. You seem to know what you want, but he sure as hell does not, so keep it real. Don't be so distracted by your own feelings, you assume his are the same as yours, because from what you have written, they are NOT. You are not operating on the same page, or plan as he is.

Get the facts, and don't rely on just your feelings. That's what I mean when I say keep it real.

Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thanks for the added details they do help. Sorry if I assumed this was a done deal, written in stone. I should have read your first post more carefully.

It does appear though, he is for whatever reason conflicted between his commitment to you, and the need for space, but in my experience when people waffle between threatening to leave, and declaring love, and not wanting to lose you, take heed and stay alert.

He may not be ready now, but he seems to be GETTING ready for something. I don't know if you should just confront his mixed signals, and acknowledge your confusion, or if he is afraid of the deep lifetime commitment at this time.

After 3 and a half years one would think his mind would be clearer for the long term outlook of this relationship. Talk honestly and work it out, and cover your own a$$ while he is confused. You seem to know what you want, but he sure as hell does not, so keep it real. Don't be so distracted by your own feelings, you assume his are the same as yours, because from what you have written, they are NOT. You are not operating on the same page, or plan as he is.

Get the facts, and don't rely on just your feelings. That's what I mean when I say keep it real.

Good Luck.

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We talked several times and he just always says he can't make me happy because he's not because he's had a tough last year and he needs to get his buiseness back and living together is too much stress because we argue one being because I get frustrated because I'm paying all the bills and clean and cook and go out of my way to plan dates for us and but him nice things and I feel unappricated... I go to school right now 7 hrs a day and make time to call him as well... I feel like his friends are getting in his head because most are single and do what they want... he said today his stuff will be out except a few pieces of furniture so he still has a key until he gets the rest of his things.we have been through hell and back stuff that a lot of couples couldn't survive and after a few arguments he's ready to give up... I'm really decanted and can barley stay focused and I do feel like he's only nice to me and talks to me when he wants sex and after that he acts like he can give 2 sh***... he said he wanted to leave on good terms and still be together and see me when he can but I just can't do that. I told him to email me when the lease is taken care of and he's off and when he has the money that I lended him and he said that I was being hateful.

Also he said that he doesn't know if he can go without me... I don't know what he means by that... I'm just so confused

He doesn't know what he wants right now, so give him plenty of time and space to figure it out. Hopefully you weren't buying him things and such with the idea of him reciprocating. Some of the your comments makes it sounds as though you feel he owes you for the help you have given him and so forth. It is understandable to feel unappreciated at times, but be careful that the things you do aren't being done in hopes that he will be returning the attention in some manner... they are done simply because you enjoy doing them.

Maybe your relationship is too much for him right now... especially if the two of you are spending a good deal of that time arguing. Ask him to give you a set date for when he will have his stuff out because this going back and forth is not fair to you, or to him. He needs to make a decision. Either he is in it, and will give his best effort to work with you to make things better, or he will move out and the two of you can see what some distance does for the relationship. Perhaps living together wasn't the best plan for right now. Either way, do not be at his beck and call for sex just because he sweet talks you if you feel there needs to be more of a commitment first.

"When he wants sex all that changes". WELL?

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Originally Posted by ma0641

"When he wants sex all that changes". WELL?

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He SED he needs to focus on his business and can't do that with me that's why he's moving out

You mentioned SEX in your Original post. I merely commented on it.

"I'm paying all the bills and clean and cook and go out of my way to plan dates for us and but him nice things and I feel unappricated... I go to school right now 7 hrs a day and make time to call him as well... I feel like his friends are getting in his head because most are single and do what they want." ---- I was right. One of you gives too much and wants too much. That person is you. Let him go. You can't just complain your way to a resolution.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

"I'm paying all the bills and clean and cook and go out of my way to plan dates for us and but him nice things and I feel unappricated... I go to school right now 7 hrs a day and make time to call him as well... I feel like his friends are getting in his head because most are single and do what they want." ---- I was right. One of you gives too much and wants too much. That person is you. Let him go. You can't just complain your way to a resolution.

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Yes I know that's right. I cane home and we had a very emotional discussion about us taking a break... he basically tried to flip it on me and said we argue so much he feels like A break is nessisary so he can focus on getting his business back on track... I understand that maybe I did want too much and he sees that he can't give me what I need and said its unfair to me because his first priority is his business and he has one last opportunity to make it work and arguing with me takes all his energy and stresses him out. He said he would spend time with me on weekends and call me here and there and I could call on him for anything and he'd be there for me. He said we both need to get our lives together and its both setting us back living together and arguing all the time he also says if I call him and argue with him on break then I'll loose him forever... he still has furniture here so I don't know and he has a key and said he would come get his furniture tomorrow. My spirit feels like its damaged. I still have hope I can tell he ginwenly loves me I just don't know if waiting for him is the right thing to do... should I cutt off all contact?

My boyfriend of 3 & half years (28) me (21) just had a emotional discussion about him needing some space! I am heartbroken 😥 and confused... Although this did not come as a surprise. We have been arguing about petty things and he wants a break to get his life together and says he can't focus when all he's worried about is me and him. We have been living together 2 months and he currently just packed the rest of his belongings and is staying at a friends. He owns his own business and last year he had a very bad year and this year he's trying to make up for that and being with me he doesn't feel like he's going to progress since we keep arguing. He tells me that we both need to work on ourselves and a few weeks from now we can see where we are and how we both feel?? He said he doesn't have the time to put into juggling me and work and is very stressed out. He did say he loves me so much and he does want to be with me if we can get along he just thinks I'm young and deserve to be happy and he feels bad because he can't provide for me and doesn't have anything right now. I pay all the bills and go to nursing school and bartend. He also said he would make time for me on the weekends but not sure when that will be... I'm willing to make us work but I'm also Putting my heart on the line... watching him move his belonging out broke my heart and I'd do anything to make it right. I'm so in love with this man. I respect that he needs his time to focus on himself even though I cried and begged him to stay. He said I can call him if I need anything and he said he is not pursuing anyone else and he does see a future with me but he can't fight with me and he said I'll loose him forever if I call him and blow his phone up arguing with him. I told him if I don't know if I can put my heart out there to get hurt by waiting on him and him letting me down he said of its meant to be it will be... idk I feel abandoned. The question is should I cut off all contact and see if he comes around or should I renain in contact and let him see me on his circumstances even though nothing is promised but I know in my heart we both love each other so much?

You were just a kid 17-18 when he was 24-25. Yep, time to cut off the sex and start no contact, be thankful you don't have any children to enter into the situation. He wants his cake and eat it too.

I agree, you were a fun booty call when he wanted sex, the issues of day to day life is not what he wants.

He has plenty of time to work on his business, the issue is, is he working on it, does he sit around the house , go out with friends, or is he out selling his business, trying to get work.

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We have been living together 2 months and he currently just packed the rest of his belongings and is staying at a friends.

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That didn't take long. Let him go, he isn't the one, because he doesn't want to be so now you know.

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The question is should I cut off all contact and see if he comes around or should I renain in contact and let him see me on his circumstances even though nothing is promised

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Make this a clean break and cut ALL contact. Any contact will be keeping a deep wound open, and stop the grieving and mourning you need to do to get to your healing, which in all honesty will take a LONG time given how long you were together.

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but I know in my heart we both love each other so much?

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Love is never enough when you cannot get along.

Sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone, we have all been there. Let friends and family help you through this.

Do you have to be living with him right now or can you be happy dating him? The answer to that will help you decide if cutting off all contact is the way to go.

I think you both need some time and space from each other to let some of this emotional dust settle and calmer heads can think without the intense feelings screw your brains up.

I firmly believe YOU need it a lot more than he does, because you are still trying to live through a honeymoon that ended long ago. He is so focused on one thing, and you on another, so I think trying to go back to just dating after failing to live together is an unreasonable expectation at this time.

I don't think he is even capable of giving you the sympathy, and right attention, you need right now. He simply is not ready, willing, or able to reach the level of commitment you want, or need, and do the work REQUIRED to build a bond for a lifetime.

Dating him (OR ANYONE) AT THIS POINT, will only breed false hope, and high expectations, without changing a darn thing. Misery and self inflicted torture NEVER heals the heart, or clears the brain. Nor is it something good to share with another.

Stop and think about this without emotion for just a moment.

You were only 17 1/2 when you moved in with him, and far too young to be in such a serious relationship that you thought would be forever. At 17 1/2 you are only beginning to come into your own, with plans for your own future, education, life etc. Until you are on your own two feet and solid in your own goals, can you then think of adding another person in a permanent, life-long way. That is simply unrealistic. You put the cart before the horse, and now find yourself floundering with him being no longer committed to you, as you are to him. That imbalance in any relationship, will lead to the end of the relationship.

He does not put your needs first. He puts his own needs first. His reasons for leaving serve only him, his reasons for staying, serve only him. That leaves you still at the mercy of his big head, big ego, and selfish goals. You spin on your heels and try to cope with how he happens to be thinking and feeling on any particular day. He's there, he's moving out, he's not moving out... sheesh.

Why, after all of this disrespectful behavior toward you, do you not tell HIM how it's going to be, or what you will accept, and NOT accept any longer!

Tell him he needs to get out, and get out within 10 days. If he isn't out, you'll arrange to have his stuff delivered to a friends house, or a storage unit, or the dump. OR, why don't you move out? Get your stuff together, and just get yourself gone!!

He is not marriage material, he is not boyfriend material, he's not even friend material. You can do better, and you can also learn from your mistakes, particularly by allowing yourself to be strong enough to determine how you will, or will not be treated by anybody- particularly at this time, him.