I have been communicating with a married man for the last 5 months. We met through work and I knew he had a crush on me. I tried to keep my distance from him, but he managed to always place himself in my presence. We recently had sex for the first time a month ago. I don't know how I even managed to get to this point. This is my first time cheating on my husband and the married man I'm cheating with says this is not his first time. In the beginning he told me how I was so different and he was falling for me. We still communicate by phone and text, but not as often since we had sex. I'm in a bad head spin and don't know what to do. I don't want to continue to hurt my husband and we have children together but I'm not ready cut off the relationship. I'm very confused and don't know if he was just using me for sex. Please help!

Sure he's using you for sex and you got all caught up in it...what are you confused about? You're cheating on your husband and you claim that you are concerned about hurting him...but obviously not too concerned otherwise you would not be doing this to him. And what does it make you to be cheating with a married man? And to top it off...a married man that has done this before and will likely do it again....you really don't see a future for the 2 of you...do you?

Either divorce your husband and let him out of this sham of a marriage or knock off the crazy stuff and do what is right. You are very selfish.

I don't understand how women like you know you are doing harm to others, yet continue to be so self-serving that you continue to have a relationship, as you said, with another man, who is married. You both deserve each other. So what if this is your first time cheating, and his tenth- it only takes once to ruin many lives. And don't worry, if the married lover relationship doesn't last, the next cheating partner will be easier for you.

You have no excuses to explain your behavior, other than perhaps you live in the wild and it's mating season, and thus you cannot control yourself.

Are you aware of statistics as far as divorces go? What do you think causes divorce- try thinking one of the major issues is cheating.

And you sound so casual about it all. It just sort of happened. No big deal.

I feel very sorry first of all, for your children. It will be you that puts a big hole in their lives when your husband finds out, that will last a lifetime, and I feel sorry for the wife of your married lover for the crushing blow she will receive when she finds out. Sad state of affairs to take such a risk that will result in many destroyed lives because you couldn't control yourself.

No sense in offering you any advice because clearly you want a husband, and somebody else's husband in your life at the same time.

The damage will happen soon enough. Too bad you didn't ask for advice before you hopped in the sack with a married man.

You are not his first and will not be his last, he may be having sex with two or three other women at this time. He is not chatting or talking as much, since he got what he wanted sex.

You should just divorce your husband, and give him custody of the kids, and figure on how much child support to pay. Since that is what will happen soon anyway, when husband finds out.

Or you can break it off with the married man, and get into counseling with your husband to try and save the marriage. But you obviously do not love husband or you would not be chating

I highly suggest that you stop all communications with this fellow, and whether you are ready or NOT, end this affair now! It should have never started, and you should NEVER have fallen for this predators lines, and NEVER allowed him such access to you.

Lets be honest that you allowed this to happen, and went along with it, but since you KNOW it is WRONG, it has to STOP before it gets WORSE, and you KNOW it will, and NO GOOD can come of it!

ONLY by ending this ASAP will you get to the real reason you ALLOWED this to happen, and fix it. It's really simple,is the se,and attention worth the security of your family? Of course it's NOT, so you better find a way to end it NOW, because later, the "I don't know how it happened" excuse will look stupid when people get hurt.

It's a pretty dumb excuse now isn't it? The real danger is the distraction of dealing with your real issues that are in your own home. Do you think your family will blame him, or YOU when this blows up in your face? Or when he decides he has had enough of you, and found other fools to fool with?

I'm agreeing with the others. There is no future with this man, and you have so very much to lose if you continue with this relationship. Since he freely admits to having done this before, and is now doing it again with you, do you really think he would ever be faithful to you even if you did end up together?! No doubt his wife thinks he is faithful to her.

Send him one final text message (do not talk on the phone) and let him know that you are not going to contact him again; that you are going to focus on your marriage and your family. Then do not contact him, and block all possible means for him to contact you. Get back your self-respect and integrity.

Then you do just what you said; you focus on your marriage and your family. Start by talking with your husband about possible counseling if you feel it would help. Start having time for just the two of you. Go back to things you use to do for fun, and try new things. If you are a church goer, find out if there are any marriage retreats that you could sign up for. The point is, you do whatever it takes to work at rebuilding the relationship with your husband.

Your children and your husband will suffer greatly if you don't. I can't tell you the pain this will cause.

I really object to we being judgmental here and in particular to the comment made by an expert mainly 'women like you'. That is not particularly impartial and we should be without labelling an OP. Notice she hasn't come back 'yet'.

So she cheated and it was obviously a two way street.

I also suggest she get out of this situation and make amends in her marriage, and if that is not possible, then end it.

She came here for advice not to be 'labelled' as 'women like you'. So, what exactly is that definition in anyone's vocabulary?

I never said that I wanted to divorce my husband and be with the other man. I realize how all of this is wrong and never thought I would find myself in this situation. That's why I'm in a bad head spin. I have cried many nights concerning this and wanted him to stop contacting me. Just as I think he's not going to call or text he does. He usually always initiates all the communication. When I don't respond to a text or call after a day he tries again then I give in. The other man and I are well known throughout our communities and I know many people will be devastated if they found out because I used to be on the other side giving advice to many women concerning these things. I never guessed that I would need that same advice yet I can't even give myself advice that I have given to many others. We don't discuss our spouses and we both made it clear that that we will continue being married. I even asked him what was the point of all of this and we can't expect to have a relationship because we both belong to someone else. He responded that with his experience he felt like he needed to communicate with other women to keep his marriage alive. I told him this is all new to me and that didn't make sense and I felt like I was robbing his wife from what he can be giving her. I don't understand why he chose me. I pray everyday concerning this and often repented, but when I hear the other mans voice I'm happy again then is over when I hang up the phone. Still confused.

He has been using you for his own desires. He has said as much, but you have chosen not to see it. He chose you because he realized that with enough sweet talk, he could get what he wanted. If he truly cared about you and your well being, this wouldn't have happened. If he needs to keep his marriage alive, he should be communicating, and everything else, with his wife. Don't fall for the lines. You have used him as well. Figure out why your self- esteem is so low that you went down this path.

Praying for guidance is great... now consider that some of your prayers have already been answered. You came here, shared your concerns, and have heard from people who have no emotional interest in the situation. Perhaps God has laid this all out right in front of you. Now you decide if you are going to listen and see that, or turn your back and choose your own path.

Put your husband and children first in this. You know what you need to do... listen and see.

Ok, so you do understand that this is wrong...that is a good first step as many people just try to continue with excuses for their behavior. The sad part is that you are weak in that you allow him to manipulate you in this way. With a little bit of self respect and believing in yourself, you should be able to cut this off.

I would still consider some sort of counseling so you can maybe understand what it is that is causing you to accept this behavior even though you know it is wrong.

Good luck.

This is going to be harsh, but only because you need to wake up.

He is a fantasy that you need to let go. He is a symptom that something is wrong in your marriage. Time to wake up and take a good look at reality. If it takes counseling, find a therapist who will encourage you to face the excuses and rationalizations for what they are-self-deluding bull.

The Other Man (OM) is selling you the Brooklyn Bridge and you are buying it. Why? Because you aren't happy? You feel under appreciated? He tells you meaningless romantic words about your beauty and how special you are? He doesn't live with you. He doesn't know you when you are at your worst. He hasn't been raising children with you. He hasn't held your hand when you're sick or worried about a child with the sniffles. You haven't spent years washing up after him, feeding him, cleaning his dirty laundry or dealing with his family. You haven't Lived with him.

You know enough about this person to know he is a player who doesn't give a fake dollar about anyone other than himself. His hormones, his genitalia, his wants, his needs are all he is thinking about and he will say anything to get what he wants. He cheats to save his marriage. Think about it. He does more than communicate. He tells them things that he should be telling his wife. He is putting energy into seducing women other than his wife. How is that saving his marriage unless they have an open relationship and she gets to have sex with her toys just like does?

Think about the energy, intimacy, affection, etc. that you are pouring into the relation with OM. Why aren't you putting it into your marriage? When was the last time you showed love and affection to your husband? How much do you take your husband for granted?

Break off all non-work related communications with OM. No more rationalizations. No more excuses. No more blaming him for contacting you. End it. Actually put effort into repenting instead of giving it lip-service. Crying and all the other stuff you say you do that is supposed to show you feel guilty is wasted as long as you keep doing what you know is wrong. Start doing what you know you should to actually move forward on a better path. Once you make the decision to stop believing his self-serving bull and to end things once and for all, the confusion will end. But you have to put effort into moving forward. It won't be easy. But then doing the right thing rarely is.

By the way, I suggest seeing your doctor for a check-up and sexually transmitted disease screening. Oh, and how good do you think your birth control is?

Wow! Once a cheater always a cheater. Move in with the cheater and he will get bored with you and need to find his new conquest. It's amazing to me when people cheat on their spouse especially when children are involved. You both are screwing with multiple lives but your sexual need must always come first. And actually I'm appalled you mentioned "praying".

Oh yes I should mention the above may be a bit harsh.

Oliver2011 maybe you're not understanding what you're reading. I never mentioned anything about moving in with the other man. You don't know my whole entire story so its easy for you to judge since your life is perfect, right? I admit to my wrong and I came here for help to see things from a different perspective. My family and I are very involved in church that's why I said previously that a lot of people would be devastated if they found out. We all are human even and no one life is without spot wrinkle or blemish. Like I said before I have been on the other side giving advice and couldn't understand why others would cheat with married men until I began to learn and understand all the factors that play a role in cheating. Cussing, lying, fornication, adultery, stealing, and many others are all the same sin. Its funny how people have sex before marriage, but say the adulterer is worse. No it's the same. There are no big or little sins. "He that is without sin let him cast the first stone" I readily admit it is WRONG I'm evaluating my life to see what could have possibly lead up to this and I'm looking for answers. As far as the statement "once a cheater always a cheater" is absolutely not true.Regarding the previous statement about birth control I can no longer have children because I had a tubal.(unless it be a miracle)I do want out of my situation and eventually I feel I will. The state that I'm currently in is confusion. I do not want to leave my husband. As far as my kids they think we have a perfect marriage because whatever disagreement or unhappiness we feel we never let our children know because we want them to feel they are raised in a loving environment.

Woman, you... I'm speechless.

Having sex before marriage is not the same as adultery. Your thinking is skewed. You are trying to justify your actions. People who have sex before marriage have not taken vows before GOD, to be a monogamous couple. You, my dear, have.

As for religion, you have none. Leave the church if you can't take it seriously.

You want to stay married but tou don't want to give up this man. Sick. You are ruining at least two other lives by your cheating. The spouses. You also don't give the children the credit they deserve. They understand way more than you think. But then again you don't care about raising children with trust issues.

Why are you complicating this? I get your confusion,but the solution is to step back and get away from the confusing situation. Then you stop doing WRONG and you can search your soul and evaluate your options without CONFUSION.

It's easy for any flawed human to get caught up in wrong stuff, and be confused, and oh so hard to get out. GOTCHA on that, but faith without works is dead, so the confusion stops when you decide to STOP doing what confuses you.

Until you are willing to do that, doesn't matter where you search for your soul. I don't mean to be harsh, and glad you are still here to work through this, but nothing will change until you become willing to change it, and you don't appear to be there yet.

So unless you want to keep suffering tell the boob to leave you alone and mean it.

Or maybe that's the problem, you have not suffered enough to WANT to change?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by esj1976

Oliver2011 maybe you're not understanding what you're reading. I never mentioned anything about moving in with the other man. You don't know my whole entire story so its easy for you to judge since your life is perfect, right? I admit to my wrong and I came here for help to see things from a different perspective. My family and I are very involved in church that's why I said previously that a lot of people would be devastated if they found out. We all are human even and no one life is without spot wrinkle or blemish. Like I said before I have been on the other side giving advice and couldn't understand why others would cheat with married men until I began to learn and understand all the factors that play a role in cheating. Cussing, lying, fornication, adultery, stealing, and many others are all the same sin. Its funny how people have sex before marriage, but say the adulterer is worse. No it's the same. There are no big or little sins. "He that is without sin let him cast the first stone" I readily admit it is WRONG I'm evaluating my life to see what could have possibly lead up to this and I'm looking for answers. As far as the statement "once a cheater always a cheater" is absolutely not true.Regarding the previous statement about birth control I can no longer have children because I had a tubal.(unless it be a miracle)I do want out of my situation and eventually I feel I will. The state that I'm currently in is confusion. I do not want to leave my husband. As far as my kids they think we have a perfect marriage because whatever disagreement or unhappiness we feel we never let our children know because we want them to feel they are raised in a loving environment.

---

If you know it is wrong, then what 'other' perspective is there? Someone telling you that everything will be okay even if you keep doing the same things over and over again?

If you are living a lie then things will not get better. Either you work with your husband to fix the marriage or you get out and move forward with your life. If you stay in the sham marriage it won't be long until the next smooth talking player comes along and you repeat this sequence of events.

The man you are playing games with is a serial cheater. He told you that he is. There is your 'once a cheater...' repeating his habit. You will be no different as long as you keep believing all the excuses you are spouting. You are turning yourself into a victim of your circumstances and that is a lie. You made choices to begin this. Make the choices that end it.

You talk about sins and repenting. I mention them because it is your belief system and the rules you supposedly live by. If you truly understand the wrong you are doing and repent, you will not continue the wrong behavior. You will attempt to make amends.

While I see no wrong in sex outside of marriage, I have huge issues with people who cheat on the person they are supposedly in a committed relationship with.

Children know more than you think. They over-hear and see what adults don't want them to. The younger they are the more they tend to ignore or not understand what they witness. As they get older, they stop ignoring and start thinking this is how relationships are supposed to be. They grow to believe that lies, cheating, fighting in lowered voices, little or no real affection, etc. are normal. I know because I was a child who grew up around adults who cheated and lied. I can only hope your children grow up to find someone who they want build and maintain a healthy relationship with. I hope they learn what a healthy relationship is.

I said it was harsh.

I don't care what you do with your life, but your incredibly selfish actions are impacting two other adults along with some number of children. As parents once we have children we put the children first. You can't honestly say you are doing that at this time. I was married for a long time. Cheating is easy. Making a marriage work is a difficult task. You need to do the right thing and I believe that includes honesty with your husband.

I never said I was perfect. But I do try to make sure my actions don't have a negative impact on others.