Ask Me Help Desk - Need help ASAP. Girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue.

So, most of it you already know. We were in a 99% -perfect- relationship for 2 years, nothing to complain about.

But... she had an opportunity to go on a study abroad program for 1,5 years. We both agreed that it would be better to break up and maybe try again in the future. For 4 months we kept talking everyday and as "My love, but were free to move on and go out on dates.

Then, I also got the chance to go on the same program, and told her when all was set up. That was when she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship here. I already went through the "why, I don't understand, we were great together" as to where she answers "I don't know, it was hard for me, I'm sorry I'm putting you through this (I believe it) but that she is decided and nothing will change her mind. Then I found out she was going out with a guy (can't complain, I did too back there, but now I am here), not sure when it started but it could be just after she told me that. Of course, she is meeting a lot of people in a different place, I get that.

We were and we also are here, on the same University, in the same courses, doing the same degree and will be here for another 10 months, and then go back on the same period. We did Nc for 2 weeks, then talked, I said it's fine, I understand, her friendship is more important, we get along well and despite some work to don't get too intimate and nostalgic, we enjoy each others company. She wanted to maybe not see me, but I insisted that I could separate things, so she's not (much) the "be confused while I get over it" type of girl.

[THE TWIST]
All of that I said is true: I can live with that if we are friends, because we both know we are worth having on each others life. In a usual scenario, I'm sure I would be best to move on, and even right know that's what I should and will do, just like her, I'm on a different country, time to get the most out of it, that's why we broke up on the first place, even though I came here for her. But I still reallyy love her, and I didn't want to give us up without knowing if this is temporary or permanent.

However:
-Coming from her, I think she's she's more on a "I don't want to be in a relationship while Im here, I need new experiencies and find myself".
-Also, the guy is from another country too, so coming from her again, no way of an overseas relationship, unless it's a true love of a lifetime, then I can only be happy for her. Actually they are together for 1- 2 months MAX, could always be only a date; she can go out with others guys until we come back, just like I can, ofc I worry more about she sticking to the same guy hehe
-We will go back together and still have another 2 years left on our degrees back home, we will have lost contact with most of our friends (most are mutual) and if we are friends here, we will probably be the only ones of each other. Any friendship made here will me hard to maintain and will also be a LD one.

So, what is bugging me? Looks like Im pretty set for a future shot, right? Well, Im worried about 2 possibilities:
-Option 1: Should I just hope that we get back on the future, and be really just a good friend until then? I fear that I might end up on the friendzone or that she completely get over us and be fine being single (Hoping that she hasn't already). My plan would be being myself and hoping that she remembers over time how we got to like each other. It is the safe bet but wouldn't work if she ends up on another vibe. Yeah there is nothing I can do then, but Im afraid to do this and maybe forever regret not trying the...
-Option 2: I'm not sure she broke up with me because of the guy, I think it could also be a "I think it's better for us here". In this case, if left alone she is very good at suppressing emotions through reasoning (I.e it was easier because I wasn't close). With some pressure though (I know her), she lets her heart take over and realizes some things can't be decided by the brains only.
So, my plan would be to express my love personally (haven't done this here yet, been only the understand-better-be-friends guy) and let her know that I indeed can live without her here, but I wouldn't want to. This could either make her jump back into my arms (thats a very low chance, probably? Especially if she's been with a guy for some time, right?) or make her feel even more guilty for the pain she's caused to me (she says that), assure her that being close to me will make it harder for me to move on (I'd have to perfectly execute this plan for this not to happen), which would make us grow apart probably once and for all, at least regarding anything more than friendship, or even less depending on how much insecure she feels that I will take too long to forget her. And after that even if she sees me with a thousand girls she will probably have lost interest and maybe even be Hurt. If the reason is only just guys though, this would be a mistake, and will probably end Any future shots I've had, since I should just wait out for the time she's single again. But thenx, friendzone, she likes being single, etc.
This is a risky Option but with the immediate results that I feel I can achieve if I do it right. I know the way to her heart but Any misstep will make her go on full defensive Mode.

All I want to know or at least get hinted at is if we will have another shot. I cant rely on this, Im aware, but I think these options try to make this happen in different ways. What should I do? Tell her that I will still love her she wants to be only friends here, even though she's doing fine without me and hope she either embrace it or don't feel bad about it, or believe that I won't stop my life for her (like right now), but risk being too hard of a statement and ruining it forever,
Or wait and see if she can like me again without getting friendzoned or got over with, but risk regretting forever what would happen if I did put her against the wall?

I really am open to meet people, but I don't want to forget and be forgotten by her. I want us to go back together at home. If she says we could try again in the future (she says she cant do that, it's a lot of time, she's right again), then I would be só much more tranquilized about enjoying everytthing, than knowing that because of a few months I lost her forever and go through the pain of it.

Sorry for the long post, thanks

I think its VERY clear he isn't ready, or prepared to resume, or even consider going back to this perfect relationship and building a future with you. She has told you this directly! This makes all your plans and options a NON-STARTER, and should be totally abandoned.

You are already friend zoned and she is already exploring and experimenting with HER options of which you are not a part of. There is no twist to this except what you have invented by your own hopes. While no one can predict the future, you should do as she is doing, and get on your own path, and seriously explore your own REALISTIC options and opportunities as if this chapter of your life is DONE, and let go of the past. SHE CERTAINLY HAS!

If you want to hear it directly from her, go ahead but be prepared for the emotional fallout that follows. Sorry guy, not what you wanted to hear, I know, but you don't seem to be listening to what she has already told you.

Can't blame you since you obviously are not ready to move on without her.

I think it is overly optimistic to believe that you two will get back together when you she gets back to town. If you break up and start seeing other people then you fall out of love, you might still love the person but not be in love with them, and rekindling and restarting that flame is almost impossible to do. If you guys did the long distance thing from the get go I think the chance would be greater for the relationship going forward.

Let's talk about you for a moment though. You two have broken up, all be it on good terms but broken up none the less, she's a friend and should be downgraded as such in your mind. You're obsessing over her and it isn't healthy for your life there. She's a friend abroad, you have to look out for yourself and yourself locally. She's finding herself, but you're not. You're still holding onto the "US" factor and not figuring out who you are. I think you really need to step back and away from her and realize that it is in fact over and heal. I don't think you've properly grieved this relationship. I think you did everything you could, but this isn't meant to be.

It is a harsh pill, but it will be better for you in the long run.

You over analyze the future, plain and simple. AND you expect total strangers to read just your side and draw conclusions!
What happens happens. There's no wrongs to right, no 'things' you can do to tip the scales.

Actually there is one thing you can do: relax, back off, be 'just friends' as she directs. She's holding all the cards because you've put them there by following her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think its VERY clear he isn't ready, or prepared to resume, or even consider going back to this perfect relationship and building a future with you. She has told you this directly! This makes all your plans and options a NON-STARTER, and should be totally abandoned.

You are already friend zoned and she is already exploring and experimenting with HER options of which you are not a part of. There is no twist to this except what you have invented by your own hopes. While no one can predict the future, you should do as she is doing, and get on your own path, and seriously explore your own REALISTIC options and opportunities as if this chapter of your life is DONE, and let go of the past. SHE CERTAINLY HAS!

If you want to hear it directly from her, go ahead but be prepared for the emotional fallout that follows. Sorry guy, not what you wanted to hear, I know, but you don't seem to be listening to what she has already told you.

Can't blame you since you obviously are not ready to move on without her.

When I said "she cant do that" about a future come back, I meant that she cant promise me anything. She, at least a little before I arrived, said "she can't predict the future". Back then Im sure she thought about it, now Im trying to make this possible Im the future. Because also when I said "she wont change her mind", I mean about us being together here. Maybe it will apply back home, but it is not a certainty yet, you know?

As I said, I will get my own experiences here. There is a lot for the mind: people to know, places to go, things to learn, becoming a better person. But for the heart, Yeah I can go out with a lot of girls, but cant like any or risk having to break up all over again, and none will deliver the same feeling.

My plan would not be asking her for anything. I wasked why before, she couldn't tell. I asked until when, she said she doesn't know, but not now, not here. I will just state that I still think about her as a lover and hope that it at least make the spark go on lit for long enough. Just hoping that it would not be a blow of cold wind instead

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I think it is overly optimistic to believe that you two will get back together when you she gets back to town. If you break up and start seeing other people then you fall out of love, you might still love the person but not be in love with them, and rekindling and restarting that flame is almost impossible to do. If you guys did the long distance thing from the get go I think the chance would be greater for the relationship going forward.

Let's talk about you for a moment though. You two have broken up, all be it on good terms but broken up none the less, she's a friend and should be downgraded as such in your mind. You're obsessing over her and it isn't healthy for your life there. She's a friend abroad, you have to look out for yourself and yourself locally. She's finding herself, but you're not. You're still holding onto the "US" factor and not figuring out who you are. I think you really need to step back and away from her and realize that it is in fact over and heal. I don't think you've properly grieved this relationship. I think you did everything you could, but this isn't meant to be.

It is a harsh pill, but it will be better for you in the long run.

That's why I cant wait too much if I am to try something. 2 months of "formal" break up, 1 casual dating, I think it's not enough for her to forget 2 years, specially since we had no reason to break up, there are still only good memories, and everything is still fresh. The flame probably is still there, I only need to do it right and fast. If it turns out that she really got over with or at least is strong enough to hold on to her decision, then Yeah, I lose. But at least I know that I shouldn't even try to plan for the future, because right now it can be a possibility, for m. I already gave up Any chances here

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You over analyze the future, plain and simple. AND you expect total strangers to read just your side and draw conclusions!
What happens happens. There's no wrongs to right, no 'things' you can do to tip the scales.

Actually there is one thing you can do: relax, back off, be 'just friends' as she directs. She's holding all the cards because you've put them there by following her.

She indeed is, but knowing her, I think she could still be on the rational denial yet. She didn't stop liking Any characteristic of me, she thinks that being in a relationship here could make the experience here less fresh and new. But she will have to come back to our country, and back to the old routine, and life. All she will take from here are memories and experiencies. All we will have from the past (now) are long seen mutual friends back home, a known routine, and each other who lived this together as friends at least. If we both are changed, maybe this could work out. If One of us isn't then probably it wouldn't.

I know, thats overanalyzing the future. Maybe 10 months from now it is me who don't want to come back anymore. But if there is hope, I have no reason to not hold on to that. None of us will get into another relationship here, it would be this all over again. We must try to not even like anyone too much here, if she does that after all this she will probably regret later. And none of us will get back home with game available. Jusy my thoughts.

One thing I forgot to mention is that she wasn't expecting me coming here. She had to grief the break up alone, with no friends here, and just when she did that I said I'd be coming. So there CAN be a flame yet, I think!

I fear and hope because I've seen both sides of the coin. I fear because she broke up with her first boyfriend because relationship was starting to get rusty and because she felt he wasn't ready to move on to her new moment in life. He tried to make up for it but with no success. They still are "friends". She says he became a lot better person after that, so this might encourage her to make these decisions.
But I hope because my sister got back with her boyfriend after 2 years. He moved to another City, broke up with her, he always tried to keep in contact, she always replied but never went after (my ex will also eventually talk to me first if I go Nc, that's what happened until now, I did go NC every time we would talk about it). Both started seeing people, he even got into a short lived relationship, and my sister was almost fully healed. But he moved back 2 years later and looked after her, she was reluctant but after some talk and time they went back together and here they are for another 3 years.
I know Im comparing different people and situations. But I don't know, I think the same could happen.

But now I realise that my chances would be much higher if I never came here in the first place Hahaha then she would come back full of memories and expectations about our meeting, now she will just get the best of me without missing anything, aka friendzone... And going full NC seeing each other every week is hard. Well I guess I screwed this up myself unintentionally haha Thanks guys. Still not sure what approach to take regarding friendship, flirting, etc. And still looking for a way to letting her always know that I will be there once we are back home. Not sure if waiting until then like my sister, or making it clear every now and then, specially once we come closer to going back home. Maybe Im just desilusional, too, haha but the "what if scenario" about acting now While it's still fresh bugs me...

Real couples if they are living apart for 1.5 years, after a two year relationship, and really in love , to not just break up, to be able to date other people,

When you are free to date other people, normally you do. I would say she has, and she is enjoying it, and does not want to go back to the old relationship. In fact, if it was that easy to give up, most likely it was not as 99 percent good as you think it was.

My opinion, it is over, and you just have not accepted that fact yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Real couples if they are living apart for 1.5 years, after a two year relationship, and really in love , to not just break up, to be able to date other people,

When you are free to date other people, normally you do. I would say she has, and she is enjoying it, and does not want to go back to the old relationship. In fact, if it was that easy to give up, most likely it was not as 99 percent good as you think it was.

My opinion, it is over, and you just have not accepted that fact yet.

Well, not seeing each other for almost the same time we know each other, I don't think it's that simple. We are too young (22-23) to chain one another for so long only to find out once she came back that maybe it wouldn't work anymore, since I would still be living in the same routine, while she would probably have changed a lot. I was the one who first brought this possibility to the table, and we broke on agreement, since there were no plans of seeing each other. Turns out I got the chance to come to the same country and city, after she was here for 6 months already, 4 of which we kept treating each other with love. Ofc, she was more vulnerable since she was alone here, once she knew people she could start thinking less about relationship and more about her new life for 1,5 years. And that's what happening with me too, I just arrived, know very few people, and the one I knew was my girlfriend the last time I saw her but now isn't. I dated girls during the 6 months she was already here, she dated another guy or two, that's not our issue, that was the agreement, and that's why I don't think this is the main reason she doesn't want to go back now that Im here, and that's why I think there may be room for future relationship. For now, as I said, Im fine dating other people here and respecting her decision. I just don't want to let the possibility of future to completely disappear in her head, since once we go back to our country, we will have to go back to most of our "old life"

You are too close to the issue and fail to realize you have no control over her thoughts, and actions, nor future decisions. You only assume your chances get better when she is through with her courses, and life will go back to the same routine as before, but they won't, because after school the reality of career will change everything you are planning for you both.

You are hardly the first guy who has gotten stuck on a love and cannot move from it, but decisions made that keep you with one foot in the past will also stop you from making the decision to grab your own opportunities, and to see and evaluate options for your own future.

I can see no one will talk you out of this so, good luck guy, whatever you choose to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You are too close to the issue and fail to realize you have no control over her thoughts, and actions, nor future decisions. You only assume your chances get better when she is through with her courses, and life will go back to the same routine as before, but they won't, because after school the reality of career will change everything you are planning for you both.

You are hardly the first guy who has gotten stuck on a love and cannot move from it, but decisions made that keep you with one foot in the past will also stop you from making the decision to grab your own opportunities, and to see and evaluate options for your own future.

I can see no one will talk you out of this so, good luck guy, whatever you choose to do.

Thanks guys, but just to clarify, I've never said it would stop me from looking forward, just that if the opportunity comes, I would take it, and as long as it's worth, I will try to create these opportunities. I don't have to stop liking her to date girls, and eventually like another, but even more since neither of us will and should get attached emotionally to anyone here.

Just to update, we are together on many classes, the topic eventually rose up, and when asked if the spark was gone, she relaxedly said that she won't tell me those things, that I should have this doubt, to which I playfully replied that in this case, sometime in the future I might hit on her again. She laughed and we went on talking about random stuff, take away the kisses and intimacies and everything is being the same as before. So I can date girls but now without having to grief and heal for weeks. Eventually, we either come back together or I find someone else. Yay!

So, most friends gave me the same advices, and I think they are very important and essential to open the eyes of some guys. I was unsure on how to approach this situation of wanting to being 100% about my chances. But I followed the option of not giving up so easily and right away. I agree that sometimes you have to know the time to stop so you don't hurt and get hurt; but I think our society is way too much taught to ignore their feelings, give up on anything "too hard" when there are easier options, and throw away relations.

I don't know if we are ever coming back, but at least I know that my chances are more than zero. At the very least, we are great friends, and I mean great, and will have the best out of a relationship, which is not the physical part.

So, to anyone out there, know your chances, evaluate your options, give yourself a time, indeed, but to critically and unbiased analise the reasons and actions of the person, always considering the worst scenario, but never giving up on the best one, unless 100% sure, unless you feel the other person has truly moved on, which I don't. That's what I think, and each case is different.

Thanks for the advices though guys, actually really helped me consider the worst scenario, which I wasn't, and that ultimately made me more cautious and rational when talking to her, making her more confident and less defensive, and thus more spontaneous. For me, it turned out good enough, better than expected by most rational advices, but that's not the only way to thibk think through problems.

Cheers

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucasvas

Thanks guys, but just to clarify, I've never said it would stop me from looking forward, just that if the opportunity comes, I would take it, and as long as it's worth, I will try to create these opportunities. I don't have to stop liking her to date girls, and eventually like another, but even more since neither of us will and should get attached emotionally to anyone here.

The mind can't stop what the heart feels and if your heart is holding out for her then you will never see anyone as equal. You need to step away from her because in your irrational emotional mind you're still dating. You've never made the break. It is like saying that you're shaved your head while having locks that would make Fabio jealous. You can say all this, but what you're actually saying is that you're not over her and you two are still together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucasvas

Just to update, we are together on many classes, the topic eventually rose up, and when asked if the spark was gone, she relaxedly said that she won't tell me those things, that I should have this doubt, to which I playfully replied that in this case, sometime in the future I might hit on her again. She laughed and we went on talking about random stuff, take away the kisses and intimacies and everything is being the same as before. So I can date girls but now without having to grief and heal for weeks. Eventually, we either come back together or I find someone else. Yay!

You won't find anyone else. You're still together in your mind. She isn't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucasvas

So, most friends gave me the same advices, and I think they are very important and essential to open the eyes of some guys. I was unsure on how to approach this situation of wanting to being 100% about my chances. But I followed the option of not giving up so easily and right away. I agree that sometimes you have to know the time to stop so you don't hurt and get hurt; but I think our society is way too much taught to ignore their feelings, give up on anything "too hard" when there are easier options, and throw away relations.

In this anti-vaccine fight, which side are you on? The millions of scientist, doctors, mothers, and civilization? Or the Playboy bunny relying on a single retracted scientific study? If everything is something something, there just might be something to it don't you think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucasvas

I don't know if we are ever coming back, but at least I know that my chances are more than zero. At the very least, we are great friends, and I mean great, and will have the best out of a relationship, which is not the physical part.

They are zero. That's the problem. She'll flirt with the idea, but when push comes to shove you two won't get together. I would bet money on it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucasvas

So, to anyone out there, know your chances, evaluate your options, give yourself a time, indeed, but to critically and unbiased analise the reasons and actions of the person, always considering the worst scenario, but never giving up on the best one, unless 100% sure, unless you feel the other person has truly moved on, which I don't. That's what I think, and each case is different.

Thanks for the advices though guys, actually really helped me consider the worst scenario, which I wasn't, and that ultimately made me more cautious and rational when talking to her, making her more confident and less defensive, and thus more spontaneous. For me, it turned out good enough, better than expected by most rational advices, but that's not the only way to thibk think through problems.

Cheers

You're setting yourself up for heartbreak mate. It is your road to travel. Good luck.