Hello,
I'm an 18 year old male and I have serious problems with rage, loneliness, sadness, and concentration and memory

...
Let's start with rage

The smallest things make me lose my mind and completely flip;

I'm the type of person that loves personal space and loathes physical contact of any sort
So most the people I work with know that it seriously bothers me
One day a co worker thought pissing me off was a good idea and I ended up breaking his nose just because he teased me by touching me with his fingertip on my shoulder
...
Off to loneliness

Me I'm an INFJ (MBTI) ; with the letter "I" being introvert at 67%
I enjoy being alone but at the same time I'm in desperate need of someone to be by my side
I'm extremely bad at starting conversations with both old friends and new people I just met and be comfortable, therefore I pretty much rarely ever talk to anyone unless they start the conversation which is also rare since I'm a hard person to be around
I'm not socially awkward, I just am not comfortable with starting conversations
So it kills me that I go on weeks without talking to a single soul for more than 2-5 minutes max
But when I do go out with friends (rare) I feel like I'm in my own world
I feel completely empty

...
Next up: sadness (I'm not even sure if that's a word)

I just can't seem to feel happy no matter what happens
About a week ago I took a huge leap and passed a mountain in my life by passing the hardest grade in my country with a great average and got accepted to the best engineering university here
Shouldn't I be happy?
I mean I worked so hard to achieve this
Why am I not happy?
And other than being unhappy when I need to be happy
I'm almost always sad
Sometimes I feel so sad that it literally becomes physical pain
Merely standing up straight becomes a hardcore challenge
...
Next up: concentration and memory

I have the attention span of a drunk squirrel being chased by a rabid dog on steroids
And my memory is as strong as my attention skills
My mind wanders off to a billion things and ends up putting everything out of order and unorganized (which is pretty much obvious in the novel I wrote up there)
...
I honestly don't know what I expect of this whole question or why am I even writing it or why I desperately added a horrible sense of humor (I'm not even sure it's humor)
I guess I.. I'm not sure
I really need help
Idk with what but I need it
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What I tried:
People suggested martial arts, so I did just that and entered muay thai (a special martial art from Thailand that specializes in bashing human faces in and hardcore badassery) which ended up like giving a lion a gun just to add up to the horror
I'm extremely violent and have rage issues and now I'm trained to do those better

I've taken many depression tests and scored higher than any grade I ever got on major depression on every single test
And no matter how hard I wished the result away it would never change
I don't want depression
I really really really don't want it...

Seriously I'm going insane
I honestly don't know what to do
This site is my last resort

Thank you for the time you took on reading this question...

"Do I have to see a doctor?" Why not. You apparently have a lot of issues to address and a therapist would be a good start. When was the last time you had a good physical with blood and urine tests?

I agree. Seek out a professional. It will only help... and doing so will make you life richer when you remove some of the obstacles that are impeding you now.

So you took the MBTI and depression tests online?
There might be some insight there. Not much of substance. You say nothing about your childhood and parents and how you GOT to this state by the tender age of 18.
You contradict yourself, pretty common at your age. Someone truly a drunken squirrel on steroids (cute) doesn't get into the best engineering school.
You put yourself down, yet deep down are proud of yourself.
Depression and anger (unless for social causes and saving puppies and children, etc) pretty much all have one basis: hurt. How, when, were you hurt?

The past, the present, the future. Examine your past, gauge your present, PLAN your future. You are not a static 'thing' with your character etched in stone.
You will need help, insight, lots of time, and a willingness to accept that it will have setbacks and there won't be a eureka moment of change.
You do the best with the hand you were dealt.
I started out angry and horribly depressed and I'm not done yet, at almost 70.

Hating to be touched could be tied to an incident in your life, or how you were punished, but you could read about Asperger's. The condition varies a LOT, but often involves a loner type of life and hating touch.

I'm with joypulv on Asperger's as being a possible explanation. You sound very much like my Aspie husband, especially when he was younger. You're very intelligent, yet there's depression, anger, being a loner, not wanting to be touched, the "dark" humor that probably most people don't understand/appreciate, avoiding conversations. Maybe take one or more online tests for Asperger's, but be sure to follow up with a professional who will test you more conclusively. You might want to read about Asperger's and other autism spectrum conditions plus look at the chat board on wrongplanet.net.

Please get help guy because you need it, and an unsuspecting world needs you to get help.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

So you took the MBTI and depression tests online?
There might be some insight there. Not much of substance.

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hello joypulv, thanks for your reply
I took MBTI in a book, and about the substance; iv'e read a few books in the past including the one that I took the test in, it's called 'please understand me'
the depression tests however I took online and know nothing about to be honest

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

You say nothing about your childhood and parents and how you GOT to this state by the tender age of 18.

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pretty much all my life iv'e been a bit too independent, I had only one friend from first to third grade that passed away
none in fourth to seventh mainly because after fourth grade we moved to a whole new country and I barely spoke the language
seventh to now iv'e had only about 15 friends (only 3 left)
and for my parents, we have had a bad rap in the past which I fixed only last year
they're not bad people but they tend to leave me be when I need them due to me pushing any help away in any problem I face in my life
the only thing I don't like about them is that they tend to help my little sisters more than me in money matters
(yes I still live with them and trust me this country is 180 degrees different from america due to the absence of payment laws for jobs no wo/man younger than 30 can survive out there alone)
I have been a victim to violence (old school raising) but I don't really hate them for it
I have been a victim to bullying and racism in the past and I pretty much retaliated on the 7th grade

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

You contradict yourself, pretty common at your age. Someone truly a drunken squirrel on steroids (cute) doesn't get into the best engineering school.
You put yourself down, yet deep down are proud of yourself.
Depression and anger (unless for social causes and saving puppies and children, etc) pretty much all have one basis: hurt. How, when, were you hurt?

The past, the present, the future. Examine your past, gauge your present, PLAN your future. You are not a static 'thing' with your character etched in stone.
You will need help, insight, lots of time, and a willingness to accept that it will have setbacks and there won't be a eureka moment of change.
You do the best with the hand you were dealt.
I started out angry and horribly depressed and I'm not done yet, at almost 70.

Hating to be touched could be tied to an incident in your life, or how you were punished, but you could read about Asperger's. The condition varies a LOT, but often involves a loner type of life and hating touch.

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I honestly studied 24/7 to get in to engineering school
I wouldn't sleep for two nights in a row and sleep on the third for a few hours after taking a sleeping pill (did I mention I suffer from insomnia?)

and I took a test and the scales were:
0-29 = no autism
30-33 = possible autism
34+ = welcome to our world *evil laugh*
I scored 31
and I haven't had the time to read about it, but I will soon.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm with joypulv on Asperger's as being a possible explanation. You sound very much like my Aspie husband, especially when he was younger. You're very intelligent, yet there's depression, anger, being a loner, not wanting to be touched, the "dark" humor that probably most people don't understand/appreciate, avoiding conversations. Maybe take one or more online tests for Asperger's, but be sure to follow up with a professional who will test you more conclusively. You might want to read about Asperger's and other autism spectrum conditions plus look at the chat board on wrongplanet.net.

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hello wondergirl, thanks for your reply
as you can see above my result was possible autism
and I feel flattered that you compare me to someone you love ^_^
and I'm considering seeing a doctor but see the problem is that I hate seeing doctors (I think because I don't like being helped?) and hospitals
and I don't have the time to go see a doctor
plus I don't want anyone to know that I visited one nor know that something's wrong with me
which is going to be hard *puts on mask*
and about the humor, so true, very few actually laugh

note*
sorry for the late reply, my phone for some reason wouldn't let me answer because it hates me and my desktop PC was on it's deathbed
engineering=device Dr.

edit* typo

Well, all the things you see as problems can be turned into positives. That's why you need to see a therapist who works with this sort of situation (sounds like you're on the autism spectrum). You'll find out ways to manage your feelings and behavior so that you aren't spinning your wheels in a swamp of anger and depression. And trust me, a good therapist/mentor will be invaluable. Also, you'll find that, as you learn about and use coping skills, you'll mature into being able to use all the positive characteristics that being on the spectrum gives you. I've watched my husband achieve during our 47-year marriage, and smile when I note the progress our autistic son has made socially and at his job. Whether it's autism or some other condition, I know you are smart enough to get help and overcome the negatives!

**ADDED*** And yes, going to a therapist is painful at first, but once you two forge a connection and you begin to see improvements in your life, the pain will turn to pride. Please report back now and then, and let me (us) know how you are doing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Well, all the things you see as problems can be turned into positives. That's why you need to see a therapist who works with this sort of situation (sounds like you're on the autism spectrum). You'll find out ways to manage your feelings and behavior so that you aren't spinning your wheels in a swamp of anger and depression. And trust me, a good therapist/mentor will be invaluable. Also, you'll find that, as you learn about and use coping skills, you'll mature into being able to use all the positive characteristics that being on the spectrum gives you. I've watched my husband achieve during our 47-year marriage, and smile when I note the progress our autistic son has made socially and at his job. Whether it's autism or some other condition, I know you are smart enough to get help and overcome the negatives!

**ADDED*** And yes, going to a therapist is painful at first, but once you two forge a connection and you begin to see improvements in your life, the pain will turn to pride. Please report back now and then, and let me (us) know how you are doing.

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Reading about your husband and your son really gave me a burst of pleasure and happiness, thank you for that
I am so happy for you all

About seeing a therapist
As iv'e mentioned before I barely have time to scratch my head
iv'e really been neglecting my health a lot the past few year sand I honestly had no idea where to start, so I think mental will come first on my long list of holes to throw money in (aka treatment)
Things just keep getting worse
I feel more alone each day
My girlfriend broke up with me in December (right before my exams which really screwed me over and caused a minor drop in my grades like the ex before her, except that the ex before her had me fail a few subjects)
And it's been becoming worse ever since
iv'e already lost pleasure in so many things that I loved and her leaving completely crushed me

I know I'm only 18, but all I really want is to get married
I just want one person
Why is that so much to ask for?

Note* I forgot to mention
I really wish death most of the time but I'll never hurt myself
iv'e attempted suicide once after a breakup and after taking a lot of medicine I woke up feeling like the new king of the world with a lust for life
I despise self hurt and the people who hurt themselves
Nothing is worth taking your life away
That's my main rule
But still dying of natural causes or murder seems pretty appealing to me

I'm not one to react in knee-jerk fashion when someone wishes they were dead. I understand what you are saying about how you think about it.

I'm wondering about a childhood spent cloaking yourself from further hurt and loneliness. Much of what all of us do is protect ourselves when we hurt, and intelligent people are often the worst, or best, however you want to view it, at developing a persona that is designed to protect from hurt. You lost your friend, you had to move, you were a stranger in a strange land, your parents dwell on your sisters... maybe you 'have' something like Asperger's or maybe you are just wounded (Wondergirl knows FAR more about this than I do). Now you just let it slip in that your gf broke up with you a short time ago! Good grief. You are under tons of stress from all sides.

I'm hoping this one feather in your cap (school) will ease the pressure of all the other stresses. Can you glide through the rest of this term, taking time to rest and think and see that therapist? All the numbers and tests are just a drop in the bucket of understanding.

I had tons of therapy (off and on) over about 35 years. I really only learned two things. One is that I am responsible for my actions. The other is that no one 'makes' anyone do anything unless they have a gun to your head.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm not one to react in knee-jerk fashion when someone wishes they were dead. I understand what you are saying about how you think about it.

I'm wondering about a childhood spent cloaking yourself from further hurt and loneliness. Much of what all of us do is protect ourselves when we hurt, and intelligent people are often the worst, or best, however you want to view it, at developing a persona that is designed to protect from hurt. You lost your friend, you had to move, you were a stranger in a strange land, your parents dwell on your sisters... maybe you 'have' something like Asperger's or maybe you are just wounded (Wondergirl knows FAR more about this than I do). Now you just let it slip in that your gf broke up with you a short time ago! Good grief. You are under tons of stress from all sides.

I'm hoping this one feather in your cap (school) will ease the pressure of all the other stresses. Can you glide through the rest of this term, taking time to rest and think and see that therapist? All the numbers and tests are just a drop in the bucket of understanding.

I had tons of therapy (off and on) over about 35 years. I really only learned two things. One is that I am responsible for my actions. The other is that no one 'makes' anyone do anything unless they have a gun to your head.

Good luck.

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Thanks for your reply
I will try as hard as I possibly can to see a therapist even though I'm hesitant about it
My family is leaving for two years in a few months and I think that'll make seeing a therapist much much easier

And by make I didn't mean it literally

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm wondering about a childhood spent cloaking yourself from further hurt and loneliness. Much of what all of us do is protect ourselves when we hurt, and intelligent people are often the worst, or best, however you want to view it, at developing a persona that is designed to protect from hurt. You lost your friend, you had to move, you were a stranger in a strange land, your parents dwell on your sisters... maybe you 'have' something like Asperger's or maybe you are just wounded (Wondergirl knows FAR more about this than I do). Now you just let it slip in that your gf broke up with you a short time ago! Good grief. You are under tons of stress from all sides.

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I really didn't understand that part
Could you explain it for me please?

All I'm suggesting is that maybe you are going through what you are going through because of the sequence of events in your life, from your family and friend who died and moving far away right up through the breakup.

I also don't know a single person, myself including, who didn't find the teen years and early 20s full of angst and stress. Just some of us more than others.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

All I'm suggesting is that maybe you are going through what you are going through because of the sequence of events in your life, from your family and friend who died and moving far away right up through the breakup.

I also don't know a single person, myself including, who didn't find the teen years and early 20s full of angst and stress. Just some of us more than others.

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Oh
So it's possible that nothing is wrong with me?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SoulWatch

Oh
So it's possible that nothing is wrong with me?

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We all have flaws we have to learn to deal with. Some take longer than others, which explains why at my age, I'm still trying to learn.

One attribute of youth is not knowing where your ability to determine your own life lies. You were just a child a short time ago, and parents and teachers and EVERYONE told you what to do, how to think. Even the most well-adjusted teenager has something of a victim mentality, molded by others, waiting for actions and reactions of others. Maybe 'static' is a better word. You think that who you are is etched in stone somehow. The lucky ones have parents who give them bits of freedom along with responsibility each year, and they grow a sense of self. But many don't, and go out into life wondering what to do based on what others do.

And aside from all that, 'something wrong with you' is on a vast sliding scale. Sure you could be an Aspie. I believe that Wondergirl's husband is a successful, nerd-type scientist or something. He doesn't like to be touched; so what. I'm not crazy about touch because my parents didn't, except when my mother was punishing me and made me hug her as part of a scripted apology sequence. You could have the personality you have now, or it could change. If it makes you miserable, that isn't good. If you like it and it isn't hurting anyone, then being different is good. 'Right' and 'wrong' are words to be eliminated from your thinking, except in terms of an ethical life.
Any of that make sense?

Just for the record, my husband always knew he was different, and when he found out several years ago that he's an Aspie, this greatly relieved his mind that he wasn't crazy after all. He's retired now, had found that his special abilities included working with electronics and computers. His career was working for AT&T with mainframes and building electronic switching systems. The crew was small at each phone office, so he was comfortable with that. He can repair almost anything -- my clothes dryer is 44 years old and works fine after many tweaks. This means he has saved us tons of repair money over the years. He reads extensively and remembers what he reads. He's been able to turn his Aspie nature into a positive thing by trying this and that and figuring out what works for him and feels right.

For more information and inspiration, read books by Temple Grandin who is a high-functioning autistic who has a Ph.D. in animal science and has redesigned more than 60% of US slaughterhouses that used to be he!!holes.

Whether you are autistic/Aspie or not, be sure to work with a good therapist who will help you turn what you consider negatives into positives.

Plus, he not only got Wondergirl to like and appreciate him, she married him, and stayed married!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Just for the record, my husband always knew he was different, and when he found out several years ago that he's an Aspie, this greatly relieved his mind that he wasn't crazy after all. He's retired now, had found that his special abilities included working with electronics and computers. His career was working for AT&T with mainframes and building electronic switching systems. The crew was small at each phone office, so he was comfortable with that. He can repair almost anything -- my clothes dryer is 44 years old and works fine after many tweaks. This means he has saved us tons of repair money over the years. He reads extensively and remembers what he reads. He's been able to turn his Aspie nature into a positive thing by trying this and that and figuring out what works for him and feels right. For more information and inspiration, read books by Temple Grandin who is a high-functioning autistic who has a Ph.D. in animal science and has redesigned more than 60% of US slaughterhouses that used to be he!!holes.

Whether you are autistic/Aspie or not, be sure to work with a good therapist who will help you turn what you consider negatives into positives.

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wow hold up
I think we're so alike
I have worked so hard on myself to have the ability to fix literally everything
iv'e worked as a carpenter, a blacksmith, iv'e studied electronics in high school and now I'm studying hybrid technology, I'm a hobbyist when it comes to plumbing and so many other things
I too have saved hundreds of dollars by repairing every little thing my eye can see including phones, televisions, computers, washing machines, dishwashers, windows... etc (btw my headphones are handmade)
last year I worked for a company (forced to work without pay in order to proceed in school) and ended up in charge of a line of 13 men that were assembling radars for the air force in my country due to my incredible ability to instantly make the board after seeing it's design and to actually read the blueprints
I am proud of myself for being a bit more advanced in some areas for my age over a lot of other people
and iv'e always felt different from other people
like my mind works in ways no one could ever understand
I see and feel things others can't see nor feel
I can anticipate things that are nearly impossible to most the people iv'e ever known
and I literally just know stuff?
I have no idea how that works but I just do
I mean I analyse everything and come up with patterns and plans instantly and they always come true
I always thought it was the intuition (INFJ)
I feel like people are open books to me that can easily be read
I told that to one of my friends and she said something about astrology and my sign being a scorpio which I didn't give much attention
but this
I feel like you described my future
one of my downsides however is being unable (at times) to reply in a face to face conversation due to my mind wandering off to more important things than the conversation I'm having at those moments [EDIT: in a scattered fashion]
even as I write this reply I feel like everything I said is completely random and scattered in so many ways while it was completely organised in my mind
despite that, I was asked to lead groups of people in many social charity projects we've done (we've= a large group of teenagers that gathered themselves and dedicate most their time to social projects as cleaning the environment, giving jobs to people who really need them and can't find any, eliminating teacher>student violence from the system (yes a teacher can legally assault students and I myself have been struck with a steel pipe)... etc)
and I'm called for especially in times of the project failing to FIX what has been going the wrong way due to me being able to come up with plans from A - Z in so little time
and I truly believe fixing things IS my purpose in life

this post that you have made really made my week
I feel so much better about myself
thank you so much...

My husband will separate himself mentally from a conversation he considers boring or uninteresting or as a comment causes his mind to wander off into another zone. Then he often looks off into the distance with a contemplative expression on his face and goes into his own world -- and that expression on his face is called the "Asperger's stare." And yes, being able to figure out how things work and thus fix them when broken is often an advantage. His father was like that and very much like my husband, but was never formally diagnosed (Asperger's wasn't a catchword when he was alive).

I'm glad my story may help. The best thing to get out of this thread is that you have so much to offer the world. It sounds like you have already discovered some of your unique talents and abilities!

Be nicer to people, despite your rage, or feelings of depression, or loneliness.