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-   -   Break-up was for the best but still thinking about her (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=808252)

  • Feb 14, 2015, 02:17 AM
    financier111
    Break-up was for the best but still thinking about her
    So the story starts about 14 months ago where me and my friend decided to go on a double date with a girl he was seeing, and her friend whom I was definitely infatuated with at the time. Things went great, we hit it off and about 2 months later we started dating. At the beginning things were great, however within about a month we had the first of many breakups. There was often a lot of disagreement in our relationship, which I believe can be attributed to the age difference, I was 22 and she was 19 at the time.

    Although we broke up several times, the same thing happened consistently, I would go back to her apologize for everything I have done wrong in the relationship, and she would take me back and within 2 weeks we would revert back to our daily struggles of who is right, or whatever. About 2 weeks ago we broke up for our 6th time and this time seems to be for good. I am well aware that we definitely prolonged our relationship way beyond its means, however I held on it because she was good looking, and although things were often bad it was a source of comfort for me.

    During this final breakup we have spoken multiple times and have continued to quarrel, and recently I had a moment of impulse and decided that I would beg for her back, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I just wanted that comfort back in my life. After a long discussion about how we just cannot be together we decided to end things on good terms, however now that we are on good terms I cant get her off my mind and am constantly wondering what she is up to, or if she still loves me, who will she hookup with next etc.

    I don't understand why I continue to act this way or feel this way especially since I know that I never really truly loved her. My friends tell me it's a possession thing, but whatever it is I wish I could just fully forget about her and let her do whatever makes her happy and just focus on my life.

    Does anyone have any advice as to how I can stop breaking no contact, get this imaginary idea out of my head that we can be friends after a breakup, and how I can just stop thinking about her altogether.
  • Feb 14, 2015, 04:43 AM
    joypulv
    Your friends are right. Your words here reek of possessiveness - "constantly wondering what she is up to, or if she still loves me, who will she hookup with next" indicate nothing about missing the good times, feelings for her, or caring. You even admit that you never loved her, and that you held on because she's good looking. You never loved her, but get to wonder if she still loves you?? REALLY??
    But the scariest clue about your very real problem is the sentence with "...let her do whatever makes her happy." LET HER? I know, you said that innocently, but it isn't innocent at all. It means you are a control freak. You need to write those words down and hang them on your wall, with a big red X over them. You need to spend every moment thinking about what it means to be in a relationship with another adult. None of us runs another person's life. We express our thoughts, feelings, and wishes, and we talk them out, and if they are not agreed on, and if we can't also talk out the wishes of the other person, and compromise for the sake of love, then we accept it and leave.

    (If you actually cared about her, hey, it's only been 2 weeks, so jump on the bus with the rest of us, and suffer as we all do after a relationship is over. I might suggest that you explore whether or not you care, but it really doesn't sound like it. You just saw an attractive woman and wanted it all; a woman with all the other attributes you want.)

    TWO RULES
    We don't control anyone
    Love takes negotiation, understanding, respect, and COMPROMISE

    Advice for forgetting? A lot of it is understanding what I wrote above. The rest is the same advice we all take - keep busy. You CAN stay no contact. You force yourself. Your reluctance is all part of your belief that you run the world, that the world owes you. It's called being entitled. Babies are entitled. Time to grow up. Be proud of doing a tough task.
  • Feb 14, 2015, 06:53 AM
    talaniman
    You could start your healing by stopping contact with her altogether, and go back to what you were doing before you met. That would at least break your comfort zone feelings, as you rebuild a life that you enjoy with family and other friends, and activities that make you happy.

    Another thing you have to overcome is those impulses based on FEELINGS, and NOT FACTS. Just because you have strong, intense feelings doesn't mean you should act on them, so let them pass by doing other things until you have better control over yourself. This will let you get your dignity and self respect back, and make you stronger for when you need to maintain self control, AND NO CONTACT.

    Stop trying to be friends until you have achieved self control, and you will be so much better off, as your heart will accept what your brain is trying to tell you, YOU TRIED, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK, so you can move on to better options and opportunities for fun, and happiness.

    Healing is a process, just as learning to control yourself. It's a matter of practice, and learning how to deal with YOURSELF, and whatever life throws at you the right way.

    Good luck. More questions?
  • Feb 14, 2015, 01:49 PM
    financier111
    Thank you both for your insight on my situation, I really appreciate it. I believe that hearing these words will definitely help me for my current situation as well as for future relationships.
  • May 12, 2015, 09:33 AM
    spicywings
    I agree with the others. It's more about possession because you already said you liked her mostly because she looked a certain way which is pretty superficial and empty, anyhow. It's not as though you two were actually "Good Together"... it's more like.. you don't want her to be with anyone else or you wanted her out of a sense of comfort. Leave her be. Take some time to work on that "trait" so that it doesn't continue to plague you in future relationships, though.

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