We have three children, twins eight and a four year old girl. All IVF, donor eggs. My only boy is now saying he is scared of his dad and his behavior at home is challenging - he has been weeing into cups in his room because he is scared to go past his dad to go to the toilet at night, he has been stealing food from the cupboards and fridge, mostly sweets, sweet biscuits/cookies and crisps/chips. We have tried removing TV, electronics, giving him 'hard labour' (this has been raking lawns, weeding, sweeping driveways), stopping his pocket money. Nothing has worked, he has continued to help himself (he has carte blanch to help himself to fruit, toast, cereals, but chooses to take the forbidden), and now he has been stopped from taking the iPad, he has been taking my laptop into his room at night. He can barely wake up of a morning he is so tired from being up during the night with his contraband. My oldest daughter has also told friends aft a sleepover, that she was scared of her dad, but that was quite some time ago (more than a year).

I guess I am after a few things. Where do stand legally as the children are biologically his, and how do I manage the behavior? Should I be separating for the children? Can my husband change?

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Originally Posted by dizzydi3

We have three children, twins eight and a four year old girl. All IVF, donor eggs. My only boy is now saying he is scared of his dad and his behavior at home is challenging - he has been weeing into cups in his room because he is scared to go past his dad to go to the toilet at night, he has been stealing food from the cupboards and fridge, mostly sweets, sweet biscuits/cookies and crisps/chips. We have tried removing TV, electronics, giving him'hard labour' (this has been raking lawns, weeding, sweeping driveways), stopping his pocket money. Nothing has worked, he has continued to help himself (he has carte blanch to help himself to fruit, toast, cereals, but chooses to take the forbidden), and now he has been stopped from taking the iPad, he has been taking my laptop into his room at night. He can barely wake up of a morning he is so tired from being up during the night with his contraband. My oldest daughter has also told friends at a sleepover, that she was scared of her dad, but that was quite some time ago (more than a year).
I guess I am after a few things. Where do stand legally as the children are biologically his, and how do I manage the behavior?Should I be separating for the children? Cn my husband chnge?

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While I might think the child was using fear as an excuse to get away with bad behavior, you do seem to be implying the children, or at least the son, have reason to be afraid. You have told us about the son's issues, can you shed some light on the father's behavior with the children? Is he abusive? Is he strict?

How is their father reacting to their fear and the son's behavior? Does he try talking to the son or does he add more punishments?

Have you thought about counseling? For the child and/or family?

Yes, please shed more light on this. You have said nothing about how the dad is handling this.

Also you have said nothing about the reasons for this fear. Have you talked to the child and asked why he is afraid? How can you even begin to deal with this until you know the reason for the behavior? Why is your first reaction to punish? Why would you even be considering leaving the father because of this?

There appears to be a lot more here then you are telling us. I won't even discuss the legal issues without knowing more.

"Can the father change? Change from what ? You have not said he was doing anything wrong,

Is there abuse, or merely punishment?

Also, how he is taking these things to his room? Stop it, turn off internet at night, but yes, too much more, you not telling us

I find your way of describing this situation as very puzzling, and I agree that your questions about your husband are strange.

The 'fear' of his dad has to be explained. Why haven't you asked your son why? Is dad strict about the middle of the night, and carrying food to bedrooms? I would be too.
The sweets and chips need to be NOT PRESENT, period, if you have 3 young children. Goodness, I and everyone I know stole sweets if we could. Punishment is not buying them! It almost sounds like you have made such a big deal out of stealing sweets that he turned it all into a big deal.
And lastly, if you have your own fears about the genes your children brought from donor eggs, and there being some nature vs nurture going on here, please say so.
I don't think that's the case.
I think you have difficulties parenting, both of you. And it sounds like you don't communicate with each other, or your children, about emotions.

You can't discipline a child into not being afraid. At eight years old, he feels the fear, he himself, cannot intellectualize the fear.

It is the fear that drives all the other behaviours, that cannot also be expected to change. The ROOT of the problem must be addressed.

Seek professional help before this gets even further.

What's with your husband causing so much fear in this child??

One thing I would also like to know...you talk about him taking your laptop into his room and being up all night because of this....So why do you allow him to do this? And while we're at it, what makes you think it's ok to let an 8 year old have unsupervised access to the internet all night long?