Hello all!
So, last weekend I went out on a blind date with a man I met on match.com. He asked me to get coffee, which I was very excited about because I was quite interested in him. Well, on the day of the date he called me and told me that he has a six month old puppy who is a bit of a handful, and asked if it would be weird if he brought him along. I told him he of course could bring the dog because I love dogs. So he suggested that we walk the dog for a bit, then maybe go back to the car and drink coffee in there for awhile and chat.

As soon as I got there I had an instant attraction to him. He, off the bat, was friendly, attractive, outgoing, and personable. He's about 12 years older than me, which no one would ever be able to guess. Plus, the dog was adorable. We walked the dog for only about 15 minutes and then went in the car. We talked in the car for a good hour. He's very well-educated and intelligent, so we discussed some of his future business plans as well as music and movie interests that we had in common. We also talked about the age difference, and both decided that it was not an issue. He apologized for the inconvenience with the dog, and told me next time we will have to get dinner and he will find a babysitter for the dog.

Then, out of nowhere, he told me he knew I was working all day and had driven all the way there, so he offered to give me a back rub. I was a bit taken off guard and surprised, so without really even thinking about it I told him "sure." I offered to return the favor since the date was going well and I was attracted to him. At first he declined, then after some time asked if he could take me up on the massage. As I was doing it, he began saying that it was starting to turn him on. He rubbed my back again and kept telling me to just tell him if I wanted him to stop or if I felt uncomfortable. He then asked me if he could touch me a little. Me, once again, taken off guard and being shocked, told him he could. He had his hands down my shirt and though it did feel good, I was uncomfortable (mostly because I just met this man) despite my attraction to him. He wanted me to touch him and at that point I think he sensed my tension. He asked if I wanted to stop there and I said yes. He immediately stopped. I know if I wouldn't have said yes he would have gone much further than just touching.

Afterwards things got a little awkward between us and conversation died down a bit. I could see in his face he felt a little weird or embarrassed about it. He apologized more than once and said none of that was his intentions. After a few minutes he drove me back to my car and told me I was a lovely woman and next time we would just do dinner.

Once I got home I felt bad, because I was the one who allowed him to touch me and felt I may have led him on a bit. I decided to text him and say I was sorry if I lead you on; I hope I didn't. He responded saying, "No no please. It's my fault. I feel bad about it. I wasn't a gentleman and just got a little lost there for a moment. Apologies." I told him not to feel bad and that I understood the situation. He replied with, "Thank you. I feel better now :) let's do it again some time."

Unable to figure out if he was just about a hookup or not, I texted him several days later and asked if he wanted to go out again for dinner soon. His text back and said, "You're too sweet. I graduate in a few weeks and with the holidays coming up now is a little tough. Maybe when things quiet down a bit :)"

I asked him out two days before thanksgiving, so I can understand him not being able to go immediately. He also is graduating from an impressive school in a few weeks with his masters in engineering, so he probably has finals and plenty of other things going on. Still, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if he just was trying to get some. I'm not quite sure how to proceed in this situation or what to do next. Should I trust him or believe the worst? I know I just met him and maybe shouldn't look so far into it, but he was by far the best person I've met off this dating site and I think we did have a connection. Any help or insight would be HIGHLY appreciated! Thank you and I'm sorry for the long novel!

Okay so things may have gotten a bit out of hand for a blind first date. Don't sweat it, and don't chase this fellow, or get carried away with wondering what's on his mind or his motives. You will drive yourself crazy! Carry on with your life and don't be stuck OR too disappointed with the way things turned out, and just learn from the experience.

See what happens later, but don't put your life on hold over this, or dwell on this too much. Stuff happens, so let the emotional dust settle. He promised dinner so hopefully he will keep his word, but if not, oh well....NEXT.

The expert has spoken above. Learn from your experience and move ahead but don't fret "what will be, will be." Time will tell.

Yes, you're absolutely right! Thank you for talking some sense in to me. I suppose it's just easy for females to get swept away far too soon. In the meantime I'll continue to go on dates and try to enjoy meeting new people and gaining experience. Thank you again!

No, it isn't "just easy for females to get swept away far too soon".

I am a woman, and never let my guard down, especially on a first 'date'. You sure don't speak for all women.

I think your mistake was having a plan, which was a good one, to walk a puppy and have coffee, was evolved into massage, and sexual touching. If you had kept on going, there would have been sex, and he still wouldn't have been interested after that.

Why? Because the whole thing about that first date was to get to know a little bit about the person you are spending time with. Maybe part of his 'getting to know you a little bit' was the massage thing. You complied with all of it, while he made himself sound like a gentleman, to see just how far you'd go.

Maybe you didn't meet his standards?

That might be something to think about.

And if he's got time to take care of a puppy, and go on a dating site, he would have made time for you for a second date, if he wanted to.

Bottom line, up your standards (for yourself) a little bit, and stick to a plan when you decide to go out with a stranger. Stay out of strangers cars as well, and stick to a public place, where a friend knows where you are.

I think you were very careless.

I am still thinking about the dog. Of course he could have left the dog alone to go on a date. Am I missing something, if he goes to school, or works, he is gone from the dog a lot.

I guess, I am just thinking, a cute dog may catch a women off guard?

But I also agree, a women (or man) should not ever do anything they do not want,
And if you did, then it is acceptable for you,

And you do not blame, him or you, it was acceptable and both did it,

If he calls later, is up to time, have to wait and see

Yes, I will admit that I was careless. I appreciate your advice but that was a bit harsh. And believe me, I am the last person to not have any standards. I was just taken back by the situation as nothing like that had ever happened to me before.
If his intentions were to "test me," I might have to judge the kind of character he is rather than my own bad judgement. He, being 32 years old and myself being only 20, should have better ways of testing character. I have nowhere near as much dating experience as he does, and I think that should be obvious to him.

That sure doesn't mean a fellow you just met won't take what he could get from you and not feel bad after. YOU should know that about any guy you meet/date regardless of age or YOUR standard. Yes it's a harsh thing to be aware of so NEVER assume a stranger has ANY standards at all, let alone YOURS.

I mean how would he KNOW YOUR standards, and why should he care? Keep dating but stay in control of YOURSELF, and PROTECT YOURSELF. No point in blaming others for what you do, or don't do because they are not responsible for your inexperience, or naïveté. Yes it's harsh to know that the world is full of dogs and critters, and they can be handsome and charming and cultured, but still dogs and critters.

That's always the risk of dating, especially online. Now you know. Just learn and do better. To be fair, this guy may have been as caught up in the moment as you were, but how can you know so don't assume, just deal with the facts, and be responsible for YOUR actions.

Yes, there is more danger in 2 legged dogs than 4 legged ones. Knowing the age difference does throw a little more light on the situation. He must have known, that he
Had the upper hand due to your age. You need to be careful.

I am a jaded (but not bitter) woman who has seen it all, and my guard would have been up on a blind date. I have seen too many uses of a puppy, all the way from luring children and to softening the hearts of women. Does it mean it actually was a ploy? No, he might be a very genuine man; it means don't get into touching, puppy or not, on a first date.

'As I was doing it, he began saying that it was starting to turn him on. He rubbed my back again and kept telling me to just tell him if I wanted him to stop or if I felt uncomfortable. He then asked me if he could touch me a little. Me, once again, taken off guard and being shocked, told him he could. He had his hands down my shirt and though it did feel good, I was uncomfortable (mostly because I just met this man) despite my attraction to him. He wanted me to touch him and at that point I think he sensed my tension. He asked if I wanted to stop there and I said yes. He immediately stopped. I know if I wouldn't have said yes he would have gone much further than just touching.'

I'm going to be harsh - I never would have called you back, were I a man. I never read more mixed messages in such a short bunch of sentences in my life. WHY didn't you nix the whole thing the instant he said he was turned on (unless you planned to have sex)?? And the last sentence is a killer. I know that 20 is still very young. But you need to get your desires organized before you meet any more nice guys, and no more excuses like 'taken off guard and being shocked.' Again - how is a woman who has been told that she is turning a man on thenceforth off guard and shocked??

My question is then, if you were in my position what would you have done? And I don't mean necessarily just about the massage. I'm talking right from the beginning when he asked to bring his dog? And if he does end up contacting me again, would it be smart to go or assume it's all intended for a hookup since clearly it sounds like the whole situation was my fault and wrong on my part...

The puppy in and of itself isn't what matters. What matters is that you don't know a blind date at all, even if you have spent hours on the phone or emails before you meet. So you keep the date in a public place, and you keep hands off. It isn't meaningful to ask any of us if we would have gone, because each decision is made in the context of a gazillion tiny cues you get from someone, and we don't know the first thing about him, first hand. You barely do yourself.

If he ends up contacting you, I wouldn't go until you clear the air - over the phone. I think you owe him an apology for mixed messages, for continuing past the moment he said he was turned on. All intended for a hookup? I'm not so sure. You kept agreeing to each tentative intimacy. He may see you as having led him on, as being the one who wanted a hookup. Or more likely, he may just see you as immature. I don't see him as the hookup type. But you need to sit down with yourself and really see how immature you are - understandable at 20! Not condemning you; telling you to stay away from blind dates until you are more mature! I would tell him that too, if he contacts you, and see how the conversation develops about how to get to know each other before a real date. IF he contacts you. I wouldn't count on it.

Well, I did text him after the date apologizing. I told him I was so sorry if I led him on, and I did not mean to nor was that my intention. He replied saying, "No no please. It's my fault. I feel bad about it. I wasn't a gentleman and just got a little lost there for a moment. Apologies. I feel better about the whole thing now :) let's do it again sometime."

He also added me on Facebook as well, so our contact hasn't been totally broken.

Just chill and see what happens, while you enjoy yourself.

I bet the whole puppy thing was actually his escape route if he wasn't interested in you... I was 34 when I jumped back into the dating world, (after having been with someone for 10 plus years), I started seeing a man 10 years my senior - it was nearly a month before things got hot and heavy between us, and now, 2 years later we are still together :) Moral of the story - slow and steady wins the race. I absolutely think his intention was to try and 'get some' - I would be surprised if he called you back, sorry dear.

The whole thing strikes me as grooming and manipulation. He finds a much younger girl (how old are each of you?). He comes up with an endearing way to make it impossible for you to insist on the safety of being in a public, crowded place and gets you in his car. He acts like you need a backrub but he "didn't think" it would be sexual, though of course it was meant to be. So he is breaking through all your common sense barriers. Now he is acting standoffish but that is game too. He will be back around. But what is his end game? He now has you comfortable getting in the car with an older man who is still a stranger. Is that OK with you? Sounds dangerous to me. He could have left the puppy home for hours and it would have been fine.

Incidentally - I was just looking at this string again. What mixed messages?

First, I would not have accepted the date as soon as he said he was bringing a puppy. I would absolutely insist on a public place and the guy better take me to dinner or coffee or for a drink or something on the first date. The "handful" of a puppy could be put in a crate and left home for a couple hours and it would have been fine.

Second, I would have been totally creeped out by the idea of a walk outside (where outside - somewhere nice and remote where he has the pre-dug grave all ready for you? Or a nice remote spot where he can rape you?)

Third, I would have asked if he was out of his mind for suggesting I get in his car to "drink coffee or something" on a first date (or any date - that kind of sucks as a date, and it's dangerous). Uhm, that would be a "hell, no".

Then the "you've been driving all day - let me give you a back rub" routine. Ugh. I drive all day regularly - can live without a backrub. To his obvious efforts to jump immediately into a sexual relationship, uhm - no. Treat me like a lady, hands off until I know you. Get lost, jerk.

Then, after deliberately putting you in one compromising situation after another (the fact you were complicit does not excuse the fact that he was putting you in that situation to start with) it gets awkward and YOU apologize? Uhm, again - hell no. He should apologize and you should learn and leave and never look back.

Your alarms went off over and over - you know that "awkward" feeling? That's your sense of survival saying to you, "this is really dangerous - I don't know this guy and he's moving way, way, way too fast and removing me from the protection of a normal first date somewhere like a restaurant". But instead of taking it as a sign that you should get out of the situation, you reach in to make HIM feel better for being a heel by apologizing for giving him mixed messages. The messages were clear as day, "I'm attracted to you but this is really uncomfortable and doesn't feel right because you're putting me in a dangerous situation. I want to like you but alarms are going off all over the place on this date."

Add the fact that he's considerably older than you and we practically have an after school special on our hands about what not to do with older men.

No apologies. No more contact. Wrong guy - danger, danger, danger.

Let me tell you how it SHOULD go:

Him: "I want to let you know right off the top that I have a new puppy - hopefully down the line you can meet him. I'm bringing it up because I can only leave him alone for 3 hours right now, so I thought we'd just get a relaxed lunch maye for a couple hours on Saturday. Does that appeal to you? I was thinking of Martin's on Main Street?"

You: "That sounds great. I will meet you there."

Then on the date: "Thanks for coming to meet me. I appreciate that you drove all day and still took the time for our lunch. You look very nice, by the way."

Then you talk about things like the weather and where you went to high school and what you do for a living and how many brothers and sisters you have and your hobbies. You do NOT talk about backrubs or being "turned on" on a first date. Flirting, ok - getting physical, hands up shirts, sexual remarks - low class.

If it's a nice time, you set up another date. You give him more trust gradually over time. For me, to get in a car with someone and all that - I'd need to have met some of their friends, their family, have some sense that they are the real deal they claim to be. So, he wouldn't be getting me in his car on a second date, either. I'd maybe meet him somewhere with our mutual friends. The first few times I'd go somewhere with him (as in, same vehicle) we would not be alone - we'd have friends with us.

Any guy worth his salt will certainly not want you to do anything foolish and won't take personal offense to a woman being smart about getting to know him.

The biggest mixed message out of several is that she didn't end the massages, and the whole date, the instant he said he was getting turned on!