Ask Me Help Desk - What now? I was clear, I thought he was too.

I met a man on the internet around October 2013 & we got to be good friends. We talked everyday & around first week of February this year I found out he was sleeping with some woman, I was shocked at my feelings of betrayal when we were only friends who had never met. We talked about it and he stopped seeing her.

We talked about what we wanted to happen & came to an agreement he'd come to see me. He was very apologetic & said he didn't think anything would happen between us as I had shown no hint that I felt that way for him.

To be clear I had said there shouldn't be other people to which he agreed. He had then booked a flight for June.

A few weeks later I was devastated by news of my father passing, he was very supportive & I thought everything was okay.

We met June, it was wonderful & we decided to turn it into a full fledged relationship.

Out of curiosity I asked him if he had seen other people & to my surprise he had! He met with a girl he used to date on March. Nothing had happened (I know of the girl & her promise to wait till marriage so its okay.)

And yesterday because he shared all his accounts with me, I said I'd dig around & he was fine, we were on Skype & it was all fun & games till I came on to an email sent late February between him and a girl on a dating site. She asked him to contact her to which he gave replied with his details.

I shut down there & there as this is again an instance of him lying to me (He had been caught lying about small things before)

I don't know what to do now. I understand we hadn't met then but we had come to an agreement. I left no grey ares in that agreement, I had said that we would not see other people but there he was looking around.

And to make matters worse, the exact date of said email was the day my father was going to be buried. Now I have to wonder, if this guy has the audacity to treat me like that on one of the most devastating times of my life then what can stop him from doing that again?

Wow! And EWWWWWW.

Please tell him to read my post.

RUN!! As fast as you can.

Treat you like what? You didn't know him and he didn't know you. You two just met and you are already clingy and controlling. I assume this is how you start in every relationship. Clingy and controlling are never attractive. Additionally behaviors like you are showing so early in the relationship never get better as the relationship moves forward.

Holy crappies!

YOU have serious problems with expectations and control. FEBRUARY?? You had never even SEEN each other! You were 'just friends!' Suddenly you are ordering him to not see other women, BEFORE you have anything resembling a real relationship.

This all makes me wonder why you aren't meeting men the old fashioned way instead of online. Perhaps because of the same traits you are exhibiting with this poor guy.

Get some therapy.

I'm sorry but did y'all not read that properly? I did say I was shocked too seeing as WE HAD NEVER MET.

HE was always intent on seeing each other in person & getting into a relationship, I kept on saying no because I didn't even realize I was interested until I learnt of the woman he was occasionally sleeping with. Obviously I would say fine if we're going to do this, if we're going to look to see each other then it would be best if neither of us start looking to hook up with other people.

Exactly what is up with your wonderfully up there morals that you think I should have said anything less.
Was I supposed to say," Oh okay fine we'll spend every single day talking (which he wanted) from FEBRUARY TILL JUNE but let's sleep with other people too kay?"

I think that would say more about you two than me.

We read it as you wrote it. We have no agenda with a total stranger. Everything you wrote drips with unrealistic demands of an online friend. And he expressed surprise that you had shown 'no hint' of showing anything more than friendship. So why shouldn't he see women and why should he even tell you? Not one bit of obligation to you at that point. I stand by what I said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

I met a man on the internet around October 2013 & we got to be good friends. We talked everyday & around first week of February this year I found out he was sleeping with some woman, I was shocked at my feelings of betrayal when we were only friends who had never met. We talked about it and he stopped seeing her.

Was there the expectation that you were dating or that this was leading to a romantic relationship? It sounds like you were "Good Friends" but not lovers and certainly not sexually nor romantically exclusive. While feeling betrayed seems logical I don't think it was deserved. I say this because you had an expectation and so did he and they were vastly different because:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

We talked about what we wanted to happen & came to an agreement he'd come to see me. He was very apologetic & said he didn't think anything would happen between us as I had shown no hint that I felt that way for him.

To be clear I had said there shouldn't be other people to which he agreed. He had then booked a flight for June.

So you cleared it up. You said to him that you wanted a romantic exclusive relationship, he didn't think it was going that way but decided to give it a go. As an aside I think, considering what had happened leading up to that point, this was a poor decision on his part but hope springs eternal.

He wasn't expecting a relationship beyond the burgeoning friendship. You can't fault him for what he did before this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

A few weeks later I was devastated by news of my father passing, he was very supportive & I thought everything was okay.

We met June, it was wonderful & we decided to turn it into a full fledged relationship.

Beforehand what was it? How do you describe it? This is June and you decide that it should be a full fledged relationship, what was it between February and June?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

Out of curiosity I asked him if he had seen other people & to my surprise he had! He met with a girl he used to date on March. Nothing had happened (I know of the girl & her promise to wait till marriage so its okay.)

And yesterday because he shared all his accounts with me, I said I'd dig around & he was fine, we were on Skype & it was all fun & games till I came on to an email sent late February between him and a girl on a dating site. She asked him to contact her to which he gave replied with his details.

Why he did this I can't fathom. You don't trust him. This is a HUGE relationship red flag. He now had no privacy and you had him on a REALLY short leash. The relationship, as stated above, wasn't full-fledged yet. Just a long distance relationship. This shouldn't surprise you. He wasn't sure what was going on and probably thought it was a casual relationship where he was also dating other people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

I shut down there & there as this is again an instance of him lying to me (He had been caught lying about small things before)

I don't know if this was a lie persay. I think it was a product of miscommunication and expectations that just weren't in line. White lies are common in relationships and in life in general. It's only as significant as you want to make it. It is supporting evidence for your witch hunt though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

I don't know what to do now. I understand we hadn't met then but we had come to an agreement. I left no grey ares in that agreement, I had said that we would not see other people but there he was looking around.

And to make matters worse, the exact date of said email was the day my father was going to be buried. Now I have to wonder, if this guy has the audacity to treat me like that on one of the most devastating times of my life then what can stop him from doing that again?

You THINK you had come to an agreement. You BELIEVE there were no grey areas. You have no TRUST or FAITH in him. Granted he's done some bonehead things, but between you regulating what he can and cannot do, I don't blame him for keeping his options open.

I would dump him. You can't and won't trust him. If you try to make things work you will lord all this over him and destroy him as a man. You're starting to do it already. There is too much poison in this relationship, it is too toxic to actually grow. End it.

Okay fine, stand by what you said.

I did not demand he not see other people, it was logically sound as I've pointed out that seeing as he deemed what he did was wrong then obviously if that was wrong then not seeing other people would be right.

"So why shouldn't he see women and why should he even tell you?"

Is this for before or after my boyfriend & I agreed we won't see other people?

If for before: It was okay that he did, I have not given him grief about whatever he did before that day we agreed neither of us will see other people till June. I even read him his old text messages with someone he was dating November & it was nothing because again, that was BEFORE the conversation in February.

If for after: Are you kidding me?

@CravenMorhead
Nope, no expectation. Yes we were good friends, I did initially feel betrayed but then it didn't make sense seeing as we had never met so I let it go.

I did clear it up, we ended up laughing about it because it was a dumb situation. We both saw that we wanted it to go the same way so we let at it.

Between February & June, it was normal. We planned the meeting as he had never been in my country before so it was a lot of talks about transportation & random things.

He came here June, spent two weeks & we talked about a long distance relationship. I said yes & we've been happy till yesterday.

I do trust him well only sort of right now, we were kidding around joking about contents on his emails. Like family stuff.

As for destroying him, bit much I think.He does whatever he wants! It’s a very happy relationship that is unless you count the drama of having tiny tiffs about things like neither of our internet connections being fast enough.

Why do you read all his emails?

@Wondergirl

Because I am nosy & in his words,*TMI* "This is all cause you have periods. Here ya go"

Of course, you will now stop reading his emails and any other personal stuff, right?

Nosey = controlling. So many red flags with what you wrote that I also stand by my comments. And I am not saying he's a saint either.

You initially wrote "around first week of February this year I found out he was sleeping with some woman". I am curious how you got this out of him?

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Originally Posted by Whatnow23

@Wondergirl

Because I am nosy & in his words,*TMI* "This is all cause you have periods. Here ya go"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whatnow23

@CravenMorhead
Nope, no expectation. Yes we were good friends, I did initially feel betrayed but then it didn't make sense seeing as we had never met so I let it go.

I did clear it up, we ended up laughing about it because it was a dumb situation. We both saw that we wanted it to go the same way so we let at it.

Between February & June, it was normal. We planned the meeting as he had never been in my country before so it was a lot of talks about transportation & random things.

He came here June, spent two weeks & we talked about a long distance relationship. I said yes & we've been happy till yesterday.

I do trust him well only sort of right now, we were kidding around joking about contents on his emails. Like family stuff.

As for destroying him, bit much I think.He does whatever he wants! It's a very happy relationship that is unless you count the drama of having tiny tiffs about things like neither of our internet connections being fast enough.

I stand by what I said, and based upon what you've up and what you've said nothing has really changed in my mind.

"I do trust him well only sort of right now". This is the death knell of the relationship. This is how it is going to go down. You mostly trust him and you're going to be suspicious of him, his motives, and what he's doing when you're not around. You're going to start testing him to make sure that he's on the straight and narrow. He's going to see this and know that you only kind of sort of trust him a little. He is going to do well. This pressure though isn't going to do well for him and he's going to slip up and going to confirm EVERYTHING you've thought about him and how lying and deceitful he is. It isn't much at all, he's going to be brow beaten by you to be what you demand him to be, that's going to kill his self-esteem and self-worth. When it finally ends, and it will in a horrible blaze of glory and drama, he's going to be a husk of the man he is now. He will had spent all his energy trying to be the man you want him to be.

I stand by what I said. End it.

Good on you for standing by your comments.

A woman posted something on his Facebook, I asked him - he admitted it.

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Originally Posted by Whatnow23

Good on you for standing by your comments.

A woman posted something on his Facebook, I asked him - he admitted it.

Are you a detective?

@CravenMorhead

Thanks for your reply, both of us are reading this & we agreed.
Though he is actually the man I want him to be now, I was just quite affected by the timing of what he did ages ago. As I told him, it wasn't what he did, it was the timing that got to me.

*NOTE: I can't seem to click on helpful on your comment! But both of us did find it that. Thanks again.

So is every conversation an inquisition? I would rather trust my partner than question like "What were you doing at 2:01 this afternoon? 2:02? 2:04?" You have trust and control issues and that combination puts an end to most relationships.

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Originally Posted by Whatnow23

Good on you for standing by your comments.

A woman posted something on his Facebook, I asked him - he admitted it.

I'd have walked away the moment you expected to go through all my accounts. Ever hear of personal space... privacy... never mind the fact you never even met face to face in all that time... and as far as I'm concerned the clock doesn't start ticking until you are face to face.

I wouldn't even need to wait one minute to think about it... I'd be gone just that fast. Because I have self esteem and self respect... and in doing that... even if he offered... showed a gross lack of respect and trust for him.

And about the day your father was being buried....you haven't even met face to face yet, he never met your father, and really didn't know either of you...(you really don't KNOW anyone online, you only get to know them face to face) Seriously...it wasn't his father or someone he even knew or much less ever met.

I don't get choked up or upset about someone I didn't know or ever met. If it was, then its a different story.

I think you are being ridiculous. Very controlling. Going through his accounts, that's crazy. I don't even know why he let you.
I think you should leave each other alone.

'I did not demand he not see other people, it was logically sound as I've pointed out that seeing as he deemed what he did was wrong then obviously if that was wrong then not seeing other people would be right.'

Wow, what LOGIC. If he goes along with that, then you two are meant for each other. Here's to misery for as long as you both can stand it! It takes all kinds.