Ask Me Help Desk - Is there anything that can save the relationship?

Hi,
Here's my story. If anyone has some advise, please share me your thoughts, I would really appreciate it. It's a bit lengthy I know.

I met this amazing woman 10 months ago at a party. She's a lot younger than me but her maturity shined far brighter than most girls my age (30). We fell in love very soon, after about 2 weeks or so. After about a month and a half we both had long term aspirations for our relationship.

After a couple of months she became very clingy with me and quite overly sad (almost depressed) at little things that happened (probably because she didn't have much else than me in her life), but I tried to reassure her that she had a lot of great things in her life: beautiful family, she's smart, beautiful, young, and she had a boyfriend that loves her very much. During a small argument one day I broke up with her and she was devastated, crying a lot and asking me "why?" and "is this for real?" constantly. After a couple days we got back together and it was great.

Then she started to neglect the other important things in her life like uni, family, and friends, and the clinginess became more intense. She also had a fallout with her only good friend just after I met her and she didn't bother looking for new friends. I tried to tell her I needed, not space, but a little time to sort out my stuff during the week as I have a lot more responsibilities than her at my age. I didn't want a break or a breakup at all, just a bit more "me time". The effect was the opposite to my intension. So after a month or so I broke it off again, in a very calm situation after making dinner for her and having a chat. She took it a lot better but was still very upset inside I could tell.

She ended up repairing her friendship with said friend and strengthening her family relationships quickly this time - from what she told me and from what I saw on FB. So once again I had second thoughts. Also, as I did what I did for her benefit, it wasn't as if I was just playing yoyo with her. But that's not what she thought.

So I deleted her from my FB, commenced no contact and wrote her a letter. After 2 weeks of NC I sent the letter. 2 days later I called her, she didn't pick up. I called her again 30mins later and she hangs up on me. Then I get a message 5 days later saying that she doesn't think it's necessary for us to see each other or discuss anything. We sent a couple of messages to each other in subtle disagreement and her last message was this, "I'm not afraid of anything. I don't want to see you, and we don't need to talk about anything. It's over. Please stop contacting me."

If I pursue this any further she will surely contact the police, even though I'm barely harassing her with 2 calls and 2 sms (+ the short text conversation we had). I am devastated now, I love her so much and I have truly never met a more amazing woman in my life. We wanted to marry each other and have kids together. I know what a lot of people say about guys like me on the net - that I'm a game player and I don't know what I want - but the truth is some people need the water to run dry before they miss it - that is why it's a famous quote isn't it? Coz we're all human?; and how can a relationship thrive properly if one person is neglecting their future? She is very young and I didn't want to spoil the life ahead of her. So much of what I have read on many relationship forums is man hating and saying that all guys that break up and want her back are liars and they don't know what they want but the truth is that we are all different and some guys deserve a second or third chance.

Is there any chance for us?

What do you expect when you keep dumping someone for small stuff? You may think you deserve a second chance (or third), but she doesn't, and that's that, so leave her alone. Your way didn't work despite your intentions, so what's the point? Learn your lesson and do better with the next one.

Don't make yourself a pest/stalker because NOW you see the light. I say too late, but if she does change her mind it will be because she misses and WANTS another shot, and that's her choice/decision to make, but I doubt that as long as you are pestering her she ever will.

Also... you don't "fall in love" in two weeks. That's just the little head beating the big head into submission. In other words its lust not love. They aren't the same thing. By 30 most people should already know this.

Move on... I see too many problems in this to fix. Try to learn from your mistakes before the next one.

The simple answer is no. Not a chance. Do your post morteum and move on.

A subtle hint, when anyone doesn't answer the phone, hangs up on you, says "I don't want to see you." or "It's over" or "Please stop contacting me", it is them saying "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" Given that. Leave her alone. Things got mucked up and they can't be repaired. If you try then it is getting close to, if not completely, illegal. You're trying to force the will of someone which is morally and legal wrong.

So the question you should be asking is, what have I learned from this and only you can answer that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

The simple answer is no. Not a chance. Do your post morteum and move on.

A subtle hint, when anyone doesn't answer the phone, hangs up on you, says "I don't want to see you." or "It's over" or "Please stop contacting me", it is them saying "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" Given that. Leave her alone. Things got mucked up and they can't be repaired. If you try then it is getting close to, if not completely, illegal. You're trying to force the will of someone which is morally and legal wrong.

So the question you should be asking is, what have I learned from this and only you can answer that.

So this response is for all of the replies (3) that followed my question.
For starters some people fall in love instantly; it might have been a month or so; and I'm not sure of the exact timing, do you know exactly how long it took you to fall in love with your last partner?
Secondly, you are both acting like I am harassing her but I am not and have not. As I said I have only called and texted her twice on the same night, and then a short text conversation. This is the only contact I've had with her since we broke up nearly a month ago and I waited over three weeks to make any attempt to contact her. Since her last message I already decided to not attempt to contact her anymore. My question was not "should I continue to call her and turn it into a harassment case?", it was to see if you think I have any chance.
What I failed to add to my story is that I treated her exceptionally well during our time together and maybe this will help to dampen your lack of hope, and quite frankly - negativity in my success with this girl.

I also want to say thanks for the advise, it is good to hear, just thought a lot of it was a bit in disregard to the points I discussed in my story.

After reading what I wrote, it seems to be a little harsh. But that's okay, sometimes tough love is needed.

Ewwwww. Clingy in any form is so unattractive.

"Barely harassing" = harassing.

"We fell in love very soon, after about 2 weeks or so." Wrong. You fell in stupid very soon. You can't be in love after two weeks because you don't know each other. And what happens when you profess your love after 2 weeks? You start learning about that person and seeing the things you don't like and should have been cautious of before the relationship developed. But you two had to rush it and play games and now it's really pathetic. You don't know her and she doesn't know you. Regardless of your ages or age differences, you both sound very immature when it comes to a relationship. Not that this was a relationship.

And why do people feel compelled to write letters? I may never understand that.

Ok I really appreciate a lot of your advice as it sounds good to me for the most part. Although I'm having difficulty understanding that the way I dealt with this was harassing as I stopped trying after she told me to stop. The first time she didn't pick up my call I thought that maybe she was in the shower or something. I don't just call a girl again if they don't answer, I would do the same to a friend, and they do the same to me.
I do feel a bit fresh to this new dating scene, but only because my last relationship lasted 8 years. Can I ask why you think that it wasn't even a relationship? I really thought it was a good one, even though I may have ended things over small issues, I really wanted to do the best thing for both of us really. But recently I saw my latest decision to end it the way I did was stupid and I failed to recognize that obsessiveness doesn't last forever. I should have just stuck in there right?

Your lesson worked and she has her own life that does not include you. Leave her alone to live her life and move forward with yours.

Do not hold on to misplaced hope. It will only end up causing you pain and confusion. Go back to No Contact and let yourself move on.

Generally speaking, people in successful relationships don't play these games. People in successful relationships don't end it over a "small issue" to quote you. People in successful relationships don't get together in 2 weeks, breakup, get back together, break up, etc, etc, etc. I could keep going but hopefully you get the point.

Craven asked: "So the question you should be asking is, what have I learned from this and only you can answer that."

Having the right answer to that question is very important for your next successful relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPL

Ok I really appreciate a lot of your advice as it sounds good to me for the most part. Although I'm having difficulty understanding that the way I dealt with this was harassing as I stopped trying after she told me to stop. The first time she didn't pick up my call I thought that maybe she was in the shower or something. I don't just call a girl again if they don't answer, I would do the same to a friend, and they do the same to me.
I do feel a bit fresh to this new dating scene, but only because my last relationship lasted 8 years. Can I ask why you think that it wasn't even a relationship? I really thought it was a good one, even though I may have ended things over small issues, I really wanted to do the best thing for both of us really. But recently I saw my latest decision to end it the way I did was stupid and I failed to recognize that obsessiveness doesn't last forever. I should have just stuck in there right?

Thanks Cat. I do need to move on. You're right :). You guys/girls are really helping me.
As much as my "lesson" worked, I can't help but think that it's like emotional punishment, and I feel bad about that. This is so hard for me since I've been out of the dating game for so long before this.

Yes Oliver,
I have learnt a lot of things. I guess I was too quick to make drastic changes/breakups, but I can't help but think that it's a survival mechanism after my last girl (of 7yrs relationship) cheated on me while in hospital. Emotional PTSD?

I think I need a counsellor... haha ha...

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPL

So this response is for all of the replies (3) that followed my question.
For starters some people fall in love instantly; it might have been a month or so; and I'm not sure of the exact timing, do you know exactly how long it took you to fall in love with your last partner?
Secondly, you are both acting like I am harassing her but I am not and have not. As I said I have only called and texted her twice on the same night, and then a short text conversation. This is the only contact I've had with her since we broke up nearly a month ago and I waited over three weeks to make any attempt to contact her. Since her last message I already decided to not attempt to contact her anymore. My question was not "should I continue to call her and turn it into a harassment case?", it was to see if you think I have any chance.
What I failed to add to my story is that I treated her exceptionally well during our time together and maybe this will help to dampen your lack of hope, and quite frankly - negativity in my success with this girl.

I answered your question: No. There is no chance. Zero. Nadda. Ziltch. Gone. Snow ball chance in heck. Move on.

Here is a bit of wisdom that is good regardless of the relationship and people involved. People interact. Regardless of the type of relationship, friendship, acquaintances, or random strangers. The level at which two people feel for each other is different. I know this is obvious, but humour me. Take someone who is in love/lust with a actor(ess). They've got elaborate fantasises about the celebrity and how their lives would be so perfect together. The celebrity in the situation couldn't care less about the fan. This is an extreme example. Take your EX-GF (She's is your ex no more GF, you're not getting back together. If I hadn't said it before) and her friend. Your EX (And will continue to be your ex) had more interest in continuing the relationship so she made up and they're friends again. Where this gets tricky is when you go to romantic relationships. When two people get together initially they have the romantic rush. This is the lust and honeymoon part of the relationship. Your partner farts roses. Then things settle down. This is what you saw in the latter months. She felt a lot more for you than you did for her. That is why you needed room.

Now comes the tricky part, she had her feelings rebuked by you. Now you want to get back together and she doesn't. You have more feelings for her than she does for you.

So it doesn't matter how well you treated her during the relationship. How well you treat her now. She doesn't want the relationship with you to be revived. It hurts. It seemed long term and the one. The problem is that it isn't. There really isn't such a thing. It seems nice to believe and dream of it but it is plainly not true. You have unresolved feelings here and that's what's causing you to ask this question. You haven't realized that this relationship is over. Which it is. No return. No pass go. No collect $200. You haven't grieved for this relationship. You believe you're on a break when the relationship is over.

So what you need to do, because this relationship has no chance of being revived, because it is deader than joan rivers (With her it is never too soon), is come to terms with that fact. Do what you need to do to grieve this. Do your post morteum. Look at what worked and what didn't. Use this wisdom for your next relationship. Going forward you need to learn from this, not only what went wrong but the type of person and how things went right. Analyize this and figure it out. Then move on.

So in answer to your question. There is no hope. It's over. Zero chance.

TL;DR: There is no hope, zero chance, it's over.