Ask Me Help Desk - Love someone who don't care

Hi all, I am seeking help from here because I really feel very lonely. I cried, I thought I would never be able to cry for myself, but I did.

I have been in a very bad mood for months. Here is the story. One day I went to a dating website, I liked a man. Normal, I did this just because I like him, nothing more. I didn't send a message. But the other day he send a message to me, so we start chatting. He said he liked me too. To some point, we make clear to each other we will be in a relationship. He said he will come to see me. We are actually not very far away, only 1 hour drive. He didn't come as he promised though. I can understand as he could be busy. I still send message to him, and he will reply. Until, some day, he start to ignore my message. I would have to send him 10 message, and wait for a day before getting any response. Until, one day, I feel that he is so hard to reach, I asked him if he'd still take the relationship seriously. He just said he is too busy; he said a lot thing was going on, he said it just isn't a good time. He said he is sorry for me, and he still said he likes me.

I likes him very much, I didn't want to give up as long as he likes me. I still trying to reach to him every day, I send message to say hello every day. He just keep ignoring me. Sometimes, he does give me a reply but then he will disappear again. I don't want to annoy him, so I didn't call his phone, just keep messaging him. A week ago, I asked him if I can invite him to dinner. He said yes. Then, until a few hours before then dinner I send him message about where to meet up. He called me back telling me he was sorry he forgot about the dinner. He is doing shopping on long island with his friends, and he cannot go back for dinner. I was on the train to his town already. (I chose to meet in his town, so he can just easily go to dinner). I arrived and bought a train ticket back home.

Actually, I don't mind if his schedule is too occupied and had forgotten my invitation. But every time I looked back to how we begin: he has time to chat with someone he didn't know at that time, but now, he didn't even have time to reply to my messages! What does it mean that "he still likes me"! I feel so depressed and unhappy. Even he rarely respond to my message, but when he did replied he still sound very nice to me, still very polite and showing care.

I feel so bad to be ignored. I told myself many times that I shouldn't live like this, I shouldn't be begging someone who just didn't care about me. But I cannot. I truly don't want to lose him, because in my eyes he is so perfect and he 'still likes me'. We can still have possibility. But really, each day I fall asleep without getting a reply I feel so bad, the next morning when I get up, when I think of how wonderful the beginning is, I feel even more lonely.

What should I do? I feel so depressed and lonely every day.

I hate to be the one to say it, but he may be a "nice guy" and telling you that he "still likes you", however, by avoiding you at every opportunity and "forgetting" about dinner (he didn't really forget) he is trying to gently let you know that either he has other interests or that he really isn't interested in a relationship with you.

I'm not clear on how you are in love if you have not actually met in person and if he ignores your messages, repeatedly, he really is not interested... or has found someone else or more than one someone else whom he is more interested in...

Sounds like he really doesn't even know you nor has he even given you a chance, but had a passing interest then moved on.. You are trying too hard to chase after someone who is not reciprocating the feelings, sweetie.

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He just said he is too busy; he said a lot thing was going on, he said it just isn't a good time.

He doesn't want 10 messages a day and he doesn't want to hurt you. It sounds like it is time to move on and find a man that will treat you like a princess, not stand you up, ignore you or leave you feeling empty and lonely.

Good luck and don't allow someone to treat you like baggage... you deserve better.

You sound obsessed, not in love. And if he did feel anything, constant messages will just scare him away, since you appear to needy.

It is obvious, he does not want the relationship and changed his mind.

1. a large percentage of men on dating sites are married, and use them to find sex partners, not telling the girl they are married.
2. others back out, often and never meet for many reasons.

It is time for you to back away, and if he has interest, let him contact you

Him saying he 'likes' you means nothing. He doesn't 'like' you any more than he likes spinach.

He has made that very clear by ignoring you in ways that he hopes you will just go away and stop bothering him.

You didn't say you actually met this man, which means, in my opinion, nothing ever got off the ground; you were stuck in the just 'liking' you stage, and nothing more. And as I've said, 'liking' means nothing more than a click of the mouse to see if he might be interested, which is the next step.

He never got to the next step. Everything he has done has shown he is not interested.

I think the more important problem here is, that you have become so attached to this virtual stranger, that you cannot see that there is nothing there to get attached to.

I also wonder about your age and maturity, and whether you have ever even had a boyfriend or serious relationship. What you are in agony about, a relationship, isn't even a relationship, yet you continue to imply that there is something there. There is nothing there.

I don't know why you cannot let go of something that clearly isn't meant to be. It is a one-sided, obsessive sounding mind-set. Maybe during the contact you did have with him, via text or what have you, he was slightly interested in you, but again, that did not indicate that anything further would happen, and it hasn't. You hounding him like a telemarketer has not made your desire to keep this 'like' going, or to convince him that he wants to meet up in person for dinner, or anything else. Nothing has happened past the 'like' stage, and it never will.

That you cannot let go indicates to me, that you have a problem here, that you cannot solve on your own. Also, in my opinion, I think you are young and inexperienced, and do not understand the nature of dating sites enough to realize that you cannot force a relationship with anyone, regardless of how one-sided things are. You feel sure of your feelings for this man, in other words, that are not reciprocated, and you cannot let go.

I urge you to consider talking your situation through with a counselor, face to face. Take a copy of your post with you, and learn how your behavior needs to change in order to get on with your life. Being in the place you are now, only means you are blind to what you need to do, to get in control of yourself, and move on with your life.

Guys, thanks for the answers. I understand all your comments.
My little hope is that his situation is really as what he had told me. And if I don't believe him and walk away, I will regret.
I am trying very hard to move on now. But from time to time, I still really want to tell him how sad I am and hope he can just give me a little warmth.
Maybe I am just too lonely.

P.S. he is not a bad guy on dating site. I watch his Facebook (I guess his posts on Facebook is one of the source that make me love him), he is really a nice guy.

He probibly is a nice guy, he's just being honest he's really not all that into you... but sometimes two people just don't click after meeting in person for whatever reason... even after online chats. THis appears to be the case. Its always awkward and difficult to tell someone else you aren't into them when its clear they are enamoured with you. Maybe not for a mean person... but it really is for anyone nice that doesn't want to be mean. Trust me... been there... failed miserably several times. Because in the end with the worst one I just had to blurt out that she made my skin crawl... (probibly hurt me more to say it than for her to hear it) because after six months are trying everything else for her to get the message I wasn't into her... my skin really did crawl in the end.

For one she was really nice, but she had two serious issues (to me anyway). She drank heavily every night... ( a sloppy drunk is no fun to be around even if they aren't a mean drunk, she was a happy drunk, if you aren't a heavy drinker too) and besides... I think a cadaver would have been more responsive in bed than she was. And it wasn't just one bad night. She was 10 years older than me at the time which made her 30, and she was divorced... so lack of experience wasn't the problem.

To smoothy: I don't think it is nice to not say it. It hurts much more if you don't make it clear that you are not into it. Why you give others false hope? Tell the truth so the other person can set free.

In my situation, I asked him whether he still like me: he said yes or otherwise he would not have contacted me in the first place. If I got negative answers, or if he tell me clearly he is with someone else, I will just move on. I understand that life is tough and we have to accept the reality. What makes me cannot wake up is that he is ambiguous. My way to interpret the situation is that he is enjoying his single life and don't want to begin a relationship. I just like him too much that I think if he doesn't know what to do I will take the actions. I did, I say hello to him everyday, but he ignored my messages... ah... I am so sad again now...

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Originally Posted by nevergum

To smoothy: I don't think it is nice to not say it. It hurts much more if you don't make it clear that you are not into it. Why you give others false hope? Tell the truth so the other person can set free.

In my situation, I asked him whether he still like me: he said yes or otherwise he would not have contacted me in the first place. If I got negative answers, or if he tell me clearly he is with someone else, I will just move on. I understand that life is tough and we have to accept the reality. What makes me cannot wake up is that he is ambiguous. My way to interpret the situation is that he is enjoying his single life and don't want to begin a relationship. I just like him too much that I think if he doesn't know what to do I will take the actions. I did, I say hello to him everyday, but he ignored my messages... ah... I am so sad again now...

Today I agree... 33 years ago... the other way seemed like a good way to let her down easily. It really wasn't.

As to the second part... he might still like you. Just not in the way you was hoping. There are a lot of women I like, and get along with, that I have no desire to have more. Even if I was single right now. Its really not an all or nothing sort of thing.

If he can't give a straight answer... its safe to assume he's probibly not going to say "hell yeah" and just hasn't found the balls or a way to say what he's really thinking. A lot of people would rather say nothing than say something someone nice might not want to hear, or they feel it might hurt them. Sort of like the hypocratic oath... first do no harm...