Hello,
So I recently found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been dating this guy who is absolutely amazing for the past few months. Everything has been wonderful and near perfect! We have the passion, chemistry, connection and attraction... Everything I could wish for! However, I don't think we've quite had enough time to develop deeper, stronger feelings. As of last week his ex has reappeared and wants him back. They dated for a few years and had a good relationship until she left him because she wanted change and to work on herself. He was devastated because he really loved her. He told me he is so torn over what to do because he still loves her, but isn't sure she's the right choice... And he said he's falling for me and agrees that what we have is amazing and he could see his life with me too. He wants me to fight for him, but I'm absolutely terrified! Put my all into winning him over and most likely falling deeply in love with great chances of him choosing her ultimately? My brain says that's risky and I don't want to be an idiot, but everything else in me is telling me he could be the one and is so worth fighting for. I don't know what to do! I'm seriously already falling deeply for him, with stronger feelings than I've felt in a long while! And I'm 30, so yeah. Any advice on how to go about this would be lovely. I want to fight but I'm so scared! Help!

I'd give him x number of days to make up his mind. Whatever he decides is final. If he chooses her, walk away and do No Contact so he doesn't turn you into a yo-yo, giving you mixed messages.

He wants you to fight for him?? Is this a contest to see which girl will give him the better deal?

If he still has such strong feelings for her, and is undecided on what to do, I'd give him plenty of space to find out. He certainly is not in a position to even consider a more serious relationship with you at this point.

He obviously likes you both, it happens, at least he was upfront about it. If you are okay with it, perhaps he should date you both and see where it leads. Just know that he could decide that you are what he is looking for, or that she is. Try to ease off on your desire for something more serious at this stage. Not easy to do, but necessary to protect your heart.

YOU may FEEL he may be the one after a few months of fantastic dating, but don't ignore the FACT HE is torn and confused by the ex who dumped him. It's too early to fight for him, and why fight for someone that does feel the same as you?

I think you back up to a safe emotional distance until he is unconfused and sure(?) and knows what, and who he wants. Yes its difficult to let go of what we think is a good thing, but recent events indicate both its not as good as you thought, and he doesn't think its good enough to make a decision in your favor. Sorry, I see no reason why you should fight for him when he isn't fighting for you. That's a huge red flag in my book.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to someone that hasn't proved they deserve it, or know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to someone with an ex in their life.

You have made him a priority, while you are an option. That never works out for the one who is an option.

Let HIM make up his own mind without your fighting for him influence, while you make up your own mind with facts, and not just your feelings, because you appear as confused as he is, and thats a recipe for disaster.

Talaniman Rule- Never compromise your dignity, and self respect.

Thank you all so much for your very sound advice! I ended up letting him know that can't just wait around and wished him the best of luck with everything. I just couldn't torture myself anymore or try to fight or convince him why he should be with me. Then... He completely shocked me and told me he that he's ready to put back and keep his ex in the past and that he chooses me! Just thought I'd update you all on the situation :) Again, thank you all!

Keep your eyes open... most people can't just shut off their feelings for others just like that. What is it Ronald Regan used to say...Trust but verify?

I would take a break anyway. Sure, he says he chooses you, and chances are he knows deep down that someone who leaves and comes back is likely to repeat that performance. But it's going to be nagging at the back of his mind... what if she really would stay this time?
Retreat for at least a week to let him REALLY appreciate you.
In the off chance he uses that time to see her or even get back with her, then he's a bigger fool that he looked at first, and he's not worth any future together.

He's got this all -backwards, and so do you.

He'd love to have you and 'her' fight, and he simply sits back and watches the show. Makes no difference to him obviously, who wins- he gets the winner, and that's that.

That he is confused, and seriously considering you AND his ex, you don't see that it is time for you to back off, and see that you've set your standards so low as to consider fighting for a man in the first place! Really! Where is your pride?

This man doesn't know what the he** he wants, yet you think you can make him want you- if you 'win'. But, what are you winning.

You do not know this man well enough, except to describe him in terms such as 'wonderful and perfect' with 'chemistry and 'passion' etc. Surely you realize that after only 8 weeks of knowing this man, that is the initial euphoria of any new relationship. It's like a puppy stage. At first the puppy is cute and cuddly and you are instantly in love with how funny and sweet he is. Then the puppy starts costing you time, and money, and vet bills for a genetic disorder, that, had you checked out the dog's history, would have been prepared for, and better able to make a choice.

So, just beneath the surface of this man you are so crazy about, are far more important things, than what is on the surface. Fight the need to just stay in that 'love' place where all is sugar and spice, and get real here for a minute.

Where are his values, morals, honesty, sense of right and wrong. How does he see women- seriously. Does he have any indicators that he is superficial, maybe prone to anger, perhaps has a problem with his EGO?? How does he treat women- like dogs? The best dog wins the fight for his affection? What are the other relationships in his life like- his parents, siblings. Does he have long term friends in his life, is he helpful, kind, sympathetic, an ethical person? In other words, what you see now after such a short time, is only superficial. You have no idea who this guy is.

But you have been given a huge hint as to his character, and have fallen for a man who sees women as wanting him, and women who will actually fight for his affections.

I think both you, and his ex, should dump this sorry excuse for a man, give your head a shake, and be more careful in judging someone in the future.

To allow yourself to reach such a low standard in order to maintain a relationship with him, is truly sad.

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Originally Posted by confused9672

Thank you all so much for your very sound advice! I ended up letting him know that can't just wait around and wished him the best of luck with everything. I just couldn't torture myself anymore or try to fight or convince him why he should be with me. Then... He completely shocked me and told me he that he's ready to put back and keep his ex in the past and that he chooses me! Just thought I'd update you all on the situation :) Again, thank you all!

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Bravo for standing up to his BS, but be very cautious of any future BS. Make sure his words and actions match over time BEFORE you give him your heart. Don't expect the ex to quite trying for him, just because you were ready to. Or him not to fall for HER BS!

Never forget YOUR dignity, and self respect, and never give it away no matter what your heart says.

Did I say NEVER? Always stand for yourself, so you don't fall for someone else's BS! Pay attention, more will be revealed later from him. Things you will need to know. What's the hurry? Take your time to make sure he deserves your heart, and KNOWS what to do with it, and frankly he started with that "fight for me CRAP", and that's NO GOOD!

That would have me running away, and questioning all that perfect chemistry in the first place. Why hasn't it scared YOU off too, I might ask?