Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship advice for a man

Hey all, thought I'd give this a try.
I've been banging my head against a wall with my current girlfriend.
She's been playing mind games an example of adding the deadding a guy she'd slept with on Facebook, years ago before we met. I confronted her and laid it down she outright denied adding him saying she'd sent the request years ago. Total lie obviously.
She's gone off sex making lame excuses like I'm tired, I feel ill, etc. Changed all her profile photos to her only usually they're of us. Although whatsapp is us again.
She's even disrespected me in front of my friends.
Disappears for an hour or two tells me a few days before like oh work informed me about such and such thing, I'll be busy that night for a couple of hours e.g. no texts calls etc for an hour or two. Only happens every couple of months.
Also loves to text more than pickup a phone and call.
Says she loves me I'm her life etc all the usual.
Now has agreed she was wrong with everything she's going to be open with everything with me.
Also says if she's playing games she doesn't reliase she's doing it. She's had abusive and beating from previous relationships!

Basically she'd treated me bad for a couple of months so I dumped her and now she's all nice again! This is second time this has happened. She changes for a few months than slips back into her old ways.
When I've dumped her suddenly she's like all nice for a few months in everything.

We've been on and off for a year.

Any advice

Drop her like a hot potato. She's nothing but drama.

I agree with J_9. Get rid of her now, don't take her back, keep your distance. Speaking as a man... NO guy needs to deal with this. There are far better women out there. That is if you have any self respect or gonads left.

"I've been banging my head against a wall" - You must have a lot of bruises.

Well that was quite the list of complaints. Does she have a similar list?

In a relationship game playing just absolutely stinks. It causes so much drama in the relationship. At some point the wanting to be free from the drama outweighs wanting to be in the relationship. It sounds like you are to that point.

Seriously, she added someone to Facebook? Because he was a past boyfriend?

Get over it, he was her friend also,and years later, people like to talk or chat with old friends.

My wife, knows, I have a ex wife, on my Facebook, I have the first girl I ever sleep with on my Facebook and a dozen of so other old girlfriends.

It is called, trust and life, So she follows them, or chats with them.

Most likely, she lied, because of your attitude,

You do not tell her or order her to do anything.

You sound very controlling, telling her to do things, and being upset, if she is gone for a few hours, without you knowing where and what.

If this was her, telling about you, my advice would be for her to dump you, because of your controlling.

Stop taking her back after you have dumped her.

The short of it: Dump her. Don't look back. Cut all ties and find someone else after a appropriate relational grieving time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Hey all, thought I'd give this a try.
I've been banging my head against a wall with my current girlfriend.

Contrary to popular belief this will not make things better, it will only feel better when you stop. Smile face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

She's been playing mind games an example of adding the deadding a guy she'd slept with on Facebook, years ago before we met. I confronted her and laid it down she outright denied adding him saying she'd sent the request years ago. Total lie obviously.

This could happen. Goodness knows that I have had requests sit stale for years. It is unlikely but possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

She's gone off sex making lame excuses like I'm tired, I feel ill, etc. Changed all her profile photos to her only usually they're of us. Although whatsapp is us again.

A lot of the excuses you call bull could be plausible. Exhaustion and sickness are libido killers. Constantly you should book her an appointment to get things checked out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

She's even disrespected me in front of my friends.

Could be cute banter on her part but disrespecting anyone shows a lack of respect for that person. If this isn't a reason to dump her...

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Disappears for an hour or two tells me a few days before like oh work informed me about such and such thing, I'll be busy that night for a couple of hours e.g. no texts calls etc for an hour or two. Only happens every couple of months.

Again plausible, but I would get an explanation before assuming. It could be grounds for cheating but it could also be that she's working late. Or she's working at a charity but that seems out of character for her. Maybe she is servicing a need that she's too embarrassed to talk about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Also loves to text more than pickup a phone and call.

I have thousands of texts from my wife. During our entire relationship, from friends to now, we've talked on the phone maybe five times. We're not the only ones like this. So...

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Says she loves me I'm her life etc all the usual.

Being the cynic I am I know that words mean little and it is the emotion and thought behind the ejaculation of those words that give them meaning not just the words. I wouldn't take this as proof of such but rather what she's like in your relationship. There are decade long relationships where the word love was utter few times though the couple is very much in it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Now has agreed she was wrong with everything she's going to be open with everything with me.

This is the problem. She's done wrong and she's realized it but she's unlikely to change. It takes a life altering event for someone to change their habits. She'll realize that she's been in error, change briefly, but then fall back into a old habits and routines. This is the primary reason that you should walk away and don't look back. She won't change and unless you want a life time of this nonsense you will gain little and lose a LOT more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Also says if she's playing games she doesn't reliase she's doing it. She's had abusive and beating from previous relationships!

This is on her. She needs to confront and fix the fallout from this. This isn't on you to fix. You need to be sensitive about this but you can't change because of her past. She needs to deal with her past alone. You can just support her. The fact that she's using it as a crutch for her behaviour is all the more reason. She doesn't want to be fixed, being damage makes her feel important and people pay attention to her because of it. The last reason why you need to leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnwat

Basically she'd treated me bad for a couple of months so I dumped her and now she's all nice again! This is second time this has happened. She changes for a few months than slips back into her old ways.
When I've dumped her suddenly she's like all nice for a few months in everything.

We've been on and off for a year.

Any advice

It is time for you to be off forever. Remove and block her on ALL platforms of communication which means phone, Facebook, tumblr, reddit, etc. Move on. There is better out there for you. This could also be the event she needs to deal with her issues.

Craven broke it down pretty well and I agree with others that there is a lot of drama is this relationship. I do think the drama comes from both of you.

I am going to say this. You are pointing a lot of fingers at her and her behavior. Have you stopped to consider your own behavior and how she is reacting to you? I am not suggesting getting back together with her. I am suggesting learning from your own mistakes so that you don't repeat them in your next relationship. Is this a repeat of previous relationships?

What have your expectations been? Are they realistic? Do you expect her to give up having opposite sex friends? Do you expect her to have sex with you whenever you want it? Do you expect her to keep you informed of her schedule and where she will be at any given time?

How did she disrespect you in front of your friends? I ask because disrespect seems to cover a wide range of actions including hugging a friend goodbye, refusing a public kiss, talking to a stranger, even hitting back when hit.

During the times you were together, did you attempt to discuss issues with her or did you confront her? Do you break up with her (or threaten to) to get her to see things your way?

Changes made to please other people usually do not last. A person has to want to change because they feel the need and want to change for themselves.

Sounds on the surface that she is not into you, but then you comment that she doesn't text or call you for "an hour or two". That raised a big red flag to me. Has she given any feedback that she needs time to herself, space, or that she can't always be available to you 24/7? She may be backing off because you are suffocating and controlling. I don't know either of you so have no idea, but give it some thought.

Some people feel that if they keep a tight hold on people they love, they will more.easily keep them. The opposite is true though. Obviously this is just a metaphor but think of animals, say the dog next door. If you chase it or restrain it, that dog will fight to get away and run like a bat out of hell at first chance. If you just coexist and let it be, and are friendly and welcoming, it will choose to relax and hang around by you. Are you chasing this woman away by driving her nuts?

CravenMorhead
Thanks for taking time to write, your making a lot of sense to me.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/avatar...ine=1402162715 Fr_Chuck P
Seriously, she added someone to Facebook? Because he was a past boyfriend?

Your missing the point, she was adding than removing him to play a game!

Cat1864
What have your expectations been? Are they realistic? Do you expect her to give up having opposite sex friends? Do you expect her to have sex with you whenever you want it? Do you expect her to keep you informed of her schedule and where she will be at any given time?

My expectations have been realistic, just want to be treated the way I treat her which is nice.
No she has guy friends I have no issues with this!
I don't expect sex whenever I want it, it never works like that..
No I don't expect to be informed of everything 24/7 just nice to be in the know about staying late at work etc, I don't expect to be informed two days beforehand when usually it's a few weeks in advance!

How did she disrespect you in front of your friends? I ask because disrespect seems to cover a wide range of actions including hugging a friend goodbye, refusing a public kiss, talking to a stranger, even hitting back when hit.

She disrespected me by cracking a joke of a sexual nature in front of a couple of friends, even joked with one of my friends we should have a threesome.She was really really drunk!

During the times you were together, did you attempt to discuss issues with her or did you confront her? Do you break up with her (or threaten to) to get her to see things your way?

I try to raise my issues if I have any with her, I like things to be open in a relationship!
I break up after being treated like crap for a month or two..

Sounds on the surface that she is not into you, but then you comment that she doesn't text or call you for "an hour or two". That raised a big red flag to me. Has she given any feedback that she needs time to herself, space, or that she can't always be available to you 24/7? She may be backing off because you are suffocating and controlling. I don't know either of you so have no idea, but give it some thought.

She's usually the one who initiates the texts and we call each other for a couple of hours every week usually 50/50 on this.
I don't expect to be texted every hour etc.

Why are you playing her games if you don't like them? By your words when you get PO'd enough you dump her (off), yet get back together later (and back on). You have been doing this for the past year so maybe you should realize you can't change or control another. You accept them for what they are, or leave them alone and that off/on pattern will continue.

You better figure how best you want to deal with it, since you have full control in your own hands, if you aren't happy with they way it is, and the way it's been.

Personally, after a year and a half, I would have be gone. Drama and mind games are a huge turnoff, and a poor substitute for fun, love, and romance and a very unhealthy way to build happiness long term. You have had your preview, now its time for a decision, unless you want to just keep trying until you are sick of this crap, and down right hate each other.

Trust me guy, there are more, and better options, and opportunities for happiness, than JUST this female. At some point you have to take responsibility for your present misery all on YOURSELF. Its you who keep signing up for more crap.

Not an easy decision, but decisions never are.