I got engaged a few days ago to my boyfriend of 6 years. I was super happy about it and I immediately called my best friend to let him know. My best friend is a guy. We've been friends for years. He does not like my fiancé. He thinks my fiancé is a jerk and treats me poorly. I admit we have some rough patches here and there but no relationship is perfect. Anyway, when I told my best friend the news instead of being happy for me, like I would expect of a best friend, he said that he thinks it's a bad idea. He told me his reasons for opposing it (he's not good enough, I am being protective of you, he's a jerk blah blah). I listened to him list the reasons not and getting increasingly irritated as the conversation went on. I told him that regardless of what he thinks, I am going through with it and I wish he can be supportive of me as I am of him.

He said OK. It's my call (obviously). Then I told him the date we picked. He said he's not sure if he can make it because he might be working that day and that he might not be able to afford the expense of going. I blew up at him. I told him that he's taking time off for a friend's wedding next month. He's spending money to fly across the country to attend her wedding. If he can do that for her, then I expect him to that for me too especially since he's my best friend.

I was about to ask him to be my "man of honor", like that Patrick Dempsey movie called "Made of Honor", but now I am not sure. I am heartbroken about this and I don't know what to do.

I am puzzled at his reaction. I get that he doesn't like my fiancé. I get that he's being protective. But I really wish he can be happy for me. It's my big moment. I am happy for him whenever he gets a big moment. I really don't know why he reacted that way.

What should I do?

Everyone has their own opinion about someone, as you've mentioned that he is just being protective then take it as it is. At least he is not lying to you that he feels good about your fiancé even though he is not. And Also its totally his decision if he wants to be your Man of honor or not, you did you job by requesting him and that's it now its his turn, if he don't want to be for whatever reason, its his choice you just have to let it go. You choose now you want him to be happy or you and your fiancé`. And its not that like if you marry him then your best friend will break up friendship with you, so let it go and move on and do what you want to do.

Um, you just dropped this on your friends lap... the other wedding was committed to before he even knew of yours and its very likely he could have afforded ONE that year or might have only had enough vacation time to got to the one, and not two. Best friend or not... thats the reality of life. Many people can't afford to take time off without pay, and many people would be fired for doing it... and he might go into significant debt to do it.

Brides pick a FEMALE court, the guy picks the guys court... sometimes there is a little give ot take for family assumeing they are all close enough for that.

You never even considered the costs of a Tux, or suit, (if everyone is wearing street cloths then you really don't NEED bridemaids) when I got married to my wife, She had ONE, and I had ONE, Her older sister and Our now Brother in law, and that was in a Catholic Church. I didn't get to attend their wedding two years later because I had just changed jobs and didn't have the money OR the vacation time to go. And there is the rehersals which means he can't fly in the day before and back out the day after...

Sorry, but I'm the one puzzled by YOUR unreasonable demands.

Don't be a bridezilla... its not cute, and its not endearing, and it will take years if not decades for people to forgive you for... and everyone else isn't obligated to go into serious debt for "YOUR big moment" and a moment is all it really is.

If he's been your best friend for so long and knows you well, it might be worth really thinking about why he's so againt this engagement and marriage. Are you in denial about your fiance and how his "jerkness" might escalate once he can relax after the wedding? Why does your best friend think he's a jerk and not good enough for you? (I had a guy best friend who had known me since I was 10, went to the same college I did, and saved me from several disastrous relationships. Your friend might have some good points to consider.)

@precious7 I have not asked him to be my "man of honor" yet. I was going to but his reaction about the engagement threw me off and I am reassessing whether I should even bother or not. I am just, at the moment, hurt that he reacted negatively to my supposed to be happy news.

@smoothy I am not being a bridezilla. The wedding is not until spring next year. He has plenty of time to decide whether he wants to come or not. I am not going by the conventional way of picking the wedding party. He is my best friend, and regardless of gender, I want him to be the one that I consider is my Man of Honor. I have not asked him yet. I was going to ask him. We discussed this before (before I met my fiance) that if we ever get married (to other people) that he will be my Man of Honor and I will be his Best Woman. I don't have siblings that would be crushed at my choice and all my friends knew about this before hand. The point is, with his reaction to the whole engagement I don't know if I should even bother asking him to be my Man of Honor, regardless of the agreement we made years ago.

@wondergirl My fiancé and best friend never liked each other. They have nothing in common (except me). My best friend thinks my fiancé is too lazy because he likes staying inside to watch TV or play games after he comes home from work. He does not like to cook and he does not like the same food as I do so I end up making two dinners most of the time. My fiancé thinks my best friend does not make good decisions on his life. He does not have a stable job and enjoys traveling more than working. My best friend has never been in a relationship that lasts more than a month. He says they bore him. It was just mutual dislike on both of their parts and they try their best to be cordial when I am around.

And you'll be okay with his gaming and TV watching, even when you want to go out and he says no? You won't mind making double meals for the next 25 years and otherwise taking care of him, doing things he should be doing for himself? You're not going to marry your best friend, so his lifestyle won't affect you.

How long have you been with your boyfrriend, and how old are you two? Have you been living together?

Its always best as with any decision to give yourself a chance to relax and calm down before you make a final decision. Right now you are understandably shocked and upset after talking to your best friend but given the best friend and fiancé don't like each other the reaction should come as no surprise.

Give yourself time, and see how things go, and maybe cooler heads will prevail. You picked a good place to vent and rant though... :D

@wondergirl The gaming and TV watching does not bother me. I don't mind staying at home myself. If I want to go out and my fiancé does not then that's when I call my best friend and we go out. It's been working really well for the last several years. I like cooking so the cooking doesn't bother me, although it can get tiring to prepare two different meals on days when I have a long day at work. My fiancé is a big meat eater. I am a vegetarian. That's why I have to do two meals because he hates eating anything without meat. My best friend is vegetarian too and he loves my cooking. He sometimes invites himself over just to eat what I make. I am in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and yes we do live together so I am already used to his quirks :)

@talaniman Thank you. The reaction I was expecting when I told my best friend the news of my engagement was "congratulations" not "no, you did not. you are making the biggest mistake of your life!" That threw me off!

I haven't made a final decision yet. My best friend's reaction just made me reconsider what I thought was already a given. I wanted my best friend to be there as I prepare to marry the love of my life. I wanted to honor the agreement we had years ago. But I don't want to force him to be there by my side when it appears he does not want to be. We have not spoken since the blow up a few days ago. I did not tell my fiancé about what happened either. I'm sure my best friend and I will eventually discuss the issue. But yes, right now I am venting because I am still in shock by his reaction to my happy news.

OK, thanks for clarifying that further... it sounded like it might have been in the latter half of this year.

He might be really close with this other couple too... if he's flying cross country, I'd assume he is. I wouldn't drop everything and fly cross country for a friend, I would for my brother, but not anyone else....we scheduled our vacation which would always vary by a month or two from year to year to attend my wife's youngest sisters wedding, but we would have already been there at some point anyway as we have property there and go almost every year.

Just because you discussed something at some point for some future event that never had a specific time-frame at that moment. You really can't hold them to it... life events change... being he's cross country... one of you move cross country because a best friend really isn't a long distance thing. That means new job... and likely only 2 weeks vacation for the year unless he got really, REALLY lucky with employers. And one wedding is going to take a big chunk of that, maybe he already had plans for the rest of the time... and lets be honest here... you no longer are geographically close... while you might remain friends, you won't actually be best friends any longer.

Its also a huge imposition to expect someone to drop everything and fly cross country. And you are talking to someone who has packed up and moved between three different states and internationally twice. Basically having to make a new circle of friends each time... sure I have a few friends that have always been there... but when you aren't there to see them all the time... in person... then you drift apart to at least some degree. That means things change.

My family couldn't attend my wedding, because of a number of reasons, they couldn't afford it (Between airline tickets and hotel costs though they wouldn't have had most meal expenses), they also couldn't take time off, which is not the same as not wanting to take time off which they did want to do. There was also a mobility issue with one of my parents at the time which was not insignificant considering they didn't speak any of the local language which I did.

Its really only a day, there are people I knew that spend years paying off the cost of their wedding because they foolishly believed it had to be huge or it wouldn't be good.

I know one that had a reception for 1,500 people... yes 1.500 people. Imagine what THAT cost.

They aren't even married to each other anymore.

Our wedding by choice was small, and we only had the closest relatives and friends that could afford attend in Tuscany Italy. 50 people total, On the Mediterranean in August, with a reception overlooking the water at a small family owned and run restaurant booked for the occasion.

Nobody was upset that any particular person couldn't attend... or cared why they couldn't. That's life, some could, some couldn't. We didn't hold it against them then, and we don't now.

As far has your fiancee not liking your friend? You live with it...I don't like all my wife's friends, I didn't before we got married, I haven't in the 23 years since either....nor has she liked all of mine. It doesn't matter because we don't have to live with any of them, we only have to live with each other.

Your best friend probably knew the day would come, when you would be engaged to be married. With you having had such a long courtship with your intended, no doubt he expected it.

He was probably, even though he knew it was coming, as shocked at the news, as you were shocked at his reaction to the news. I don't know how you expected him to react, knowing he strongly dislikes your fiancé, and maybe you are now thinking that it might have been a bit weird if he had jumped for joy?

So, I would say, let him calm down, and you calm down too. Nothing can be done about either hearing the news, or how it was reacted to. There would have been no other way to tell your friend, and my impression is, you should have expected the reaction you got.

That being said, give it a week or so and don't get ahead of yourself with the question of your friend being the man of honour, which I think is a lovely idea. Try not to put too much into this, and realize that even if he is in your wedding party, his feelings for your fiancé are not likely to change. The bigger question is, can he be respectful and dignified in the duties he is to accept?

Wait and see what a conversation with your friend will be in a few days. Just the two of you, maybe meet for coffee somewhere, and agree ahead of time, that no talk of the reasons for or against will be discussed. Stick to conversation about the wedding, and the wedding only, and be clear about what you expect from him, and give him time to let it digest.

My hope is that such a good friendship won't be lost.

@smoothy He lives in the same area as me. He's flying across the country for the other friend's wedding, which was totally cool of him to do. It was the willingness to do that for someone else and not his best friend that is bothering me. I understand the whole cost of the wedding and the financial constraints it might put on people. It was just because of our friendship, of how close we are that I expected him to be there for me for my day. If he can't because he can't afford it or work issues, that's fine but my dilemma at the moment is if I should even bother asking him to be part of my wedding party.

Is it possible that your best friend has more than mere friendship feelings for you? Sounds like jealousy to me, and loss of hope that you'll dump the fiancé to be with him.

That's just a guess, but based on what you wrote, it sounds like for you he's your best friend, and for him you're his best friend and he's hoping for more.

@jake2008 I knew he wouldn't jump for joy but I was hoping for a better response than the one he gave me. I knew he has misgivings but I guess the timing of delivery and the way it was delivered was what caught me off guard. I know we need to discuss the issue and I really want him to be there on my wedding day, I just don't know if I want to even bother approaching the subject of him being my Man of Honor, even though he knew this day would come, given the reaction he gave me to the news of my engagement. I guess, I will wait and see when cooler heads prevail and we talk and depending on how the discussion proceeds I can figure out whether to ask or not.

Right now you need to let the dust settle and let him get used to the idea that you are marrying someone he considers a jerk. You have plenty of time to ask him to stand up for you, but right now isn't the right time.

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Originally Posted by cat_lady

@smoothy He lives in the same area as me. He's flying across the country for the other friend's wedding, which was totally cool of him to do. It was the willingness to do that for someone else and not his best friend that is bothering me. I understand the whole cost of the wedding and the financial constraints it might put on people. It was just because of our friendship, of how close we are that I expected him to be there for me for my day. If he can't because he can't afford it or work issues, that's fine but my dilemma at the moment is if I should even bother asking him to be part of my wedding party.

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Ok, then I misunderstood... if he lives local then its not a big deal to attent the wedding as far as times is considered, and that he doesn't have an airline ticket and hotel bill to pay for, and weddngs are usually on a weekend, but does he work weekends?

Honestly, knowing how he feels about your fiancée, maybe its not the best idea to have him as part of your wedding party, it appears he's not too enthusiastic about being in it himself.But who knows...maybe he will come around.

I see, you have not asked yet, OK! And I agree with J_9 totally, but I feel that if you r going to marry your fiance` whenever it may be, then you do your part by letting your best friend know that you still want him to be your man of honor, then let him decide, just a thought, but you do as the circumstances requires!

@alty He has never really expressed anything more than friendship to me. We are extremely close and I know a lot about him, sometimes more than I care to know (like TMI stuff he does with his dates). But as far as how he feels about me beyond friendship, he never expressed any intent. However, on my end, I am not interested in him beyond friendship. I repeatedly tell him that he's like the older brother I never had (eventhough he is younger than me). :)

@j_9 thank you. I think that I will probably wait a week, just to let cooler heads prevail, then I'll initiate contact and hopefully he's ready by then too. Then we can discuss whether he's willing to participate in my wedding at all.

@smoothy right now at his job he is off one day of the weekend. Without travel involved, I am sure he can ask for the day off for me if he really wants to go. That's why I was hurt when he said he might be working. It's about 9 months from now and he will have leave incurred at that time. I don't expect his feelings about my fiancé would change but I am hoping he'll go for me since he's my best friend.

@precious7 Yeah I have not asked him yet and my dilemma was if I should even bother asking him given the reaction I got from him about my engagement. However, I do agree that I'll let the dust settle for now and let cooler heads prevail first. Hopefully next week he's ready to discuss things and then I can approach the subject with him. :)

To me, it's clear as day that he said that he will have to work that day blah blah as just a typical way of letting you know how much he disapproves. I can't believe that you didn't get it and blew up at him! It's like turning down a date by saying you have to wash your hair that night, or watch paint dry. You should know him by now. Come back in a year and let us know how it worked out.