Here's my (incomplete) story.
I have reconnected with my lost love. I've been married for 27 years to someone else. I can't say I've ever been wildly crazy about my wife. I dated a lot of women after the woman I wanted to be with was out of the picture. I married my wife because I liked her a lot and I wanted a marriage and family. We had two great kids who are on their own, now.
The truth, though, is that I didn't passionately love my wife. I loved her, but not with passion.
Over the years, my wife and I seemed to lose the sense of intimacy with each other that we both wanted to share. I think I'm the one at fault, as I was never truly in love with my wife - over all those years, I never forgot about my old love. My wife says the same thing I do - that her lack of affection for me was because she had trouble committing herself to me - that she always had a sort of inability to love me completely, because she was always afraid of her feelings, and afraid, early on, that I would leave her, that she wasn't a good enough person for me to want to be with.
We both began to harbor a simmering anger for each other - I because my wife seemed to lack affection for me, and because she seemed to so little enjoy sex with me. She was angry with me because I only showed affection during sex and she thought - rightly so - that I wasn't a full partner in our marriage, that I didn't pull my weight.
In truth, I would never have left my wife - except for one person, my old flame.
I would never have contacted my old love. She contacted me. The explosion of feelings for me were instantaneous. I was in love with my old flame, and she claims to love me. She split from her husband not long after we started communicating - her marriage had been on the skids for years. For good or for bad, I was apparently a catalyst for the end of her marriage.
After a few months, my wife found out about my affair. I'm not sure why, but she's stuck with me. She totally changed. From not enjoying sex with me, she enjoys sex. From lack of affection - simple touching, kissing, etc. - she's very affectionate.
And we've both the anger we had for each other.
The truth, though, is that I never fully loved my wife. And I always loved my old flame. Yes, it's all a fantasy. But I've visited my old flame a few times, and the experience was more than I imagined it could be. I love my old love.
And I don't love my wife. And I'd love to be with my old flame.
But I've discovered it's not that easy to leave my wife. Part of it is that I've hurt her so much and don't want to hurt her more. It's very hard, to, to disentangle from the partnership that forms when you've been with someone for so long. Frankly, it's hard to give up the comfort of what I have - a pleasant home, my dog, enough room for all the stuff I've collected over the years, and of course a loving wife who is, now, everything I think we want in a spouse.
The truth, though, is I don't love my wife. Whatever love I did have evaporated over the years of anger toward each other. That's just the truth, and I can't turn love on for her, love I never had in any abundance. And I love my old flame. And if I live another 20 or so years with my wife, I'm always going to regret not trying to be with my old flame. And I'm going to have to live a lie, pretending to love my wife. Because I don't.
I'm not sure what to do. Either way, I think I lose.
