Ask Me Help Desk - I have been feeling different about my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I have a 1 month old daughter. At first everything was so amazing. I was even more attracted to my girlfriend and madly in love with her. Now, I barely want to be intimate, spend time with her, or even come home from work. I'm even to the point where I question how much I love her.

We have been fighting a lot now and I feel like I am never good enough. She takes trips to see her family every couple weeks and I'm sometimes happier when she does. And, honestly, I think she might be too.

Is this a normal feeling after having a child? If it isn't, how can we work on this? I want to keep my family together and feel the same way I did about my girlfriend just two months ago but I'm worried that it's just going to fall apart and I'm going to lose her.

Its been a month... I doubt she has been able to sleep more than 2 or three hours between feedings, and if you haven't taken some of the feedings via using a bottle she pumped earlier, to let her get SOME sleep then shame on you.. GO a month with sleep deprivation and I would bet you would get rather touchy and be rather cranky...

Plus add you aren't the center of her existence any longer. And you have the root of the problem and if you are dishing it out or even sending out the vibes... it also would result in negativity coming back.

Having a kid causes huge changes in your home life. Change often results in friction... try to be more understanding and when your child is able to sleep through the night... things might start to get back on track.

This can be very normal after having a child. Men can experience postpartum blues just like women do. It is a huge adjustment to have a new baby in the house.

Now is the time that you and your girlfriend need to pull together and support each other in a way you likely never had to before. This can, at times, mean giving each other some space just as much as it means being together to back each other up... sometimes physically as well as emotionally!

How is your girlfriend handling the role of mother? Does she appear to be feeling overwhelmed or fairly content? Aside from the obvious schedule changes, how are you both sleeping? Lack of sleep, or lack of quality sleep can really take a toll and make things look bleaker and more difficult sometimes. How much involvement are you having in caring for your daughter? Are you feeling included or sort of on the sidelines? Do you have anyone that you both trust who could help out around the house for a little while, maybe a few times a week?

The biggest question of all is have the two of you actually tried sitting down and talking about the situation? If not, that is the first step. Decide together on a time to discuss it. After you daughter goes to sleep, sit down and share your feelings with her. Be sure not to sound as though you are accusing her of anything. Acknowledge the big changes that your family is going through and how much you don't want that to pull you apart; that you want it to be bringing you together.

Figure out what you both need and want from each other to feel loved and supported... write it down if it helps. Then you decide what you can both do to make those things happen. It gets easier and it gets better....patience and understanding are key.

Are you doing the grocery shopping and at least some of the cooking? the laundry? some of the feedings and middle-the-night soothings/feedings? Do you give your girlfriend free time to sleep or thumb through a magazine or do a bit of phonecalling of friends and family? This is your baby, too.

I have been helping out a lot. I do get up and help at night, I help around the house when she would rather take care of our daughter. Its nothing that she is doing. Its just the way I feel. I can't really explain why I feel.

Sometimes I do feel like she has a stronger connection to our daughter. Which I do understand. She asks me to do a lot around the house instead of taking care of our daughter. I gladly do it, its just hard to ask for her to and I feed our daughter.

THen you are doing the right things... so stick it out. THings will start improving. Have patience

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressionhutz

I have been helping out a lot. I do get up and help at night, I help around the house when she would rather take care of our daughter. Its nothing that she is doing. Its just the way I feel. I can't really explain why I feel.

Sometimes I do feel like she has a stronger connection to our daughter. Which I do understand. She asks me to do a lot around the house instead of taking care of our daughter. I gladly do it, its just hard to ask for her to and I feed our daughter.

I remember those first months with a newborn. Nobody could take care of him better than I could. Things will improve. Be patient!

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressionhutz

I have been helping out a lot. I do get up and help at night, I help around the house when she would rather take care of our daughter. Its nothing that she is doing. Its just the way I feel. I can't really explain why I feel.

Sometimes I do feel like she has a stronger connection to our daughter. Which I do understand. She asks me to do a lot around the house instead of taking care of our daughter. I gladly do it, its just hard to ask for her to and I feed our daughter.

Sometimes it may feel as though you have the grunge work, but it really does mean a lot for her not to have to worry about house stuff at first. It's good that you are involved in caring for your daughter. Mom has to learn how to mommy and you have to learn how to daddy. You may both do something's differently than the other, but that's okay... in fact that is a good thing. Your daughter knows your smell, voice, touch, and just how you move when you rock her.

Like I said, it is an adjustment for you as well and you are experiencing some of those baby blues which will pass as all of you get more comfortable with the changes and new routines.

Is there family close by who you and your girlfriend would feel comfortable leaving your daughter with for an hour or so? Have the three of you gone out of the house much for other than running errands? (or her going to parents while you stay home)
Sometimes getting outside in the fresh air helps... go for walks at a park, around the neighborhood, in the mall, wherever, but getting out of the house and getting a little exercise with be good for both of you.

Also, start planning some time for you and your girlfriend to reconnect if you haven't already. Going out to lunch, just the two of you, close by can be a good start. Of course you'll talk about the baby, but it is important to keep that couple time as well when you can. If your girlfriend isn't quite ready to leave the baby, take her along.