My wife and I have been married for 15 years, I am 42 and she is 40. Three months ago we had a big fight and we did not talk to each other for a week. During that week, for a few nights she went out just before I get home from work and don't return until 12. As soon as she got home she went straight to her computer and chat with someone online. After a week, we resolved our problems and that's when things went strange.

She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before. After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex.

I am confused about the short sudden change after the fight. Where did she go during those nights? Did she have a one night stand with someone she met online?

Did you ask her where she went during that week? You could do that and figure it out. But ask in a non-threatening way. You know a lot of people, yourself included, jump to the worst possible answer and then get all worried about it. I always approach things as don't worry about something until there is something to worry about.

"she just said I have not been fair to you before." And what did you change to spice things up or give a little more to the relationship? Is it possible she went back to the old way because you didn't give more?

Is it possible your reaction to her new sex life is the problem? From what you have written its as likely as a one night stand. Why have you not simply asked her what happened to the oral sex rather than wander into the realm of suspicion. No stranger can know where your wife went, or whether you have resolved your issues sufficiently, or if there are other issues that need resolving.

Is this the first time you felt she has cheated? Regardless it's kind of obvious we don't have enough facts, and you have not communicated enough, or maybe the right way to get facts. Frankly I cannot say what's in her head. Ask her. But don't accuse her of anything. Just that you wonder about her changes in the bedroom.

It can be easy to jump to conclusions, and then allow your mind to come up with all sorts of things to worry about.

Here's another possibility to consider: perhaps she was cooling off and venting with a friend. Her friend may have given her a different perspective to consider looking at the issues that caused the argument. This may have resulted in your wife reconsidering her part in the disagreement and she decided to make an effort to make some changes in how she treated you. Did your fight by chance have anything to do with feeling a lack of involvement or time spent together?

If she was making an effort to foster change, and didn't feel that it was being reciprocated, or appreciated, it may have caused her to figure why bother.

It is easy to fall back into old ways of doing things, and that includes interaction in a relationship. Let her know how much you liked the change. Initiate some of your own as was suggested, as well as making sure the initial problems have been properly addressed and dealt with.

My first reaction was the same as Doula's - a girlfriend suggested that she spice up your sex life. So she did, and what did YOU do?? Did you ooh and ahh over her lingerie? Did you hold her and just caress her and talk instead of leaping right to sex? Did you smooch her in the kitchen, compliment her on her looks when she's at her worst and at her best? Hold her hand?
Gee, I wonder... especially since you are asking total strangers something we can't possibly know. Especially since you haven't written one single word about what role you played in that month of good sex. Gee! It takes two to tango. It also takes two to COMMUNICATE, that 11 letter word that is often so alien to men.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

It also takes two to COMMUNICATE, that 11 letter word that is often so alien to men.

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Easy now :) It's takes two to communicate as well and it isn't one gender more at fault than the other.

I'm not saying anything for sure here but just throwing in my own experience...

My first wife cheated on me. I wasn't aware of it right away but she did the same things you are describing...everything with sex became "new"...stuff she hadn't done, she was suddenly doing. It turned out that she was cheating.

So my experience is that it happened to me...is this proof it's happening or happened to you? Not really, but it is something to consider. Also to consider is this: In most cases, if you have come here because you suspect something, I have seen more often than not that there are more causes for suspicions and usually your "gut feeling" is the right one.

Your results may vary.

It's the stereotype. It's a well founded stereotype. Granted, by the very nature of stereotypes there are exceptions. Granted that even many women can't bring themselves to say what is lacking in their lives that is turning them off to sex.

For the sake of this couple, I'll say that it sounds like both of them don't communicate well about sex, and need to start. 'This is what I like, want, miss... '

You said that three months ago, the two of you had a fight, and you didn't speak for a week. What followed that, as you've described, leads you to believe that she had a one night stand.

More than once during the week you two were not talking, she went out until midnight, and came home and chatted on the computer.

How do you know she was chatting on the computer?

I think it is very unhealthy to any relationship, to have a fight. An argument by all means, but a fight that doesn't end for a week (even though it was 'over'), and ends up with accusations of cheating, goes beyond anything reasonable.

And, the 'fight' and the 'fighting' probably happens more frequently than the one time you spoke about. So, why this fight to conjure up a theory of an affair. Was it particularly bitter, accusatory, with yelling and screaming?

I don't think this has anything to do with sex, or lack of. The new sexy lingerie she bought- that you went shopping WITH her for, if that exercise was to solve problems, obviously it didn't.

You are not providing enough information in my opinion, as to what the real problems are here.