Okay so I am a happily married woman in my early fifties and I have a best gay friend almost forty who is also in a happy long term (gay) relationship. I am aware that there is a very strong attraction between us, which results in occasional passionate embraces and hugely passionate kisses... and a lot of hand-holding and sexy dancing in between. Both our partners know of the hand-holding and close friendship, but the kisses ("those" kisses) have been in secret, and we also have this secret "joke" that one day we are going to go the full circuit... but from my point of view (whilst I would like to), I am not really planning to act on it. I love my husband! But having this friendship is so lovely, and my husband doesn't mind so long as I don't go the full circuit. However it is all somewhat confusing. I understand why I am attracted, he's a lovely guy and I like guys... but how come he is attracted to me? I have told him I think he's "straight around the edges". He never replies. What do others think? PS I don't tell my husband about the kisses because I don't want him to worry - there's nothing to worry about!

If the two of you are keeping these passionate kisses a secret, that tells you right there that there is something to worry about. Your friend may be bisexual or "straight around the edges".

Regardless, consider this... what would your thoughts be if you found out that your husband kept a secret of passionately kissing and embracing another woman that you know he has a close friendship with?

He sees you as safe. Do you know if his partner and he share a good physical relationship?

While I don't support keeping anything from your husband, I don't see this as that big of an issue. I have been with my partner for 3 years. My best friend kisses me all the time and he's totally straight. He even does it in front of my boyfriend which was upsetting in the beginning but he's gotten used to it now.

I'd say your husband has plenty to worry about over your friendship with this other man (gay or not).

You are attracted to another man! You do the passionate kissing thing with him, and flirt around the issue of going the distance.

Why wouldn't you stop that after the first kiss?

That you haven't stopped it, you know darn well that it IS going to go further, and you push the envelope every time you don't stop when it starts. You are heading for trouble.

It means nothing that he is gay- obviously. He's interested in you, and you are interested in him. Him being gay doesn't mean squat unless he is in a committed relationship (which is borderline in my opinion because of his relationship with you). And you being in a straight relationship means squat as far as a committed relationship goes, because you are messing around with him.

Remove the labels, and don't justify another person's actions, or your actions, as being harmless, because they are not harmless.

You've already gone too far. Stop the nonsense before you end up in a place you don't want to be.

I'd let the 'friendship' go.

You are friends, and just because he is gay doesn't mean he can't be attracted to you. So why is this a secret? Are you feeling guilty when you shouldn't be, and justifying it with concern for your husbands feelings? Or do you ASSUME your husband would worry?

What's really driving this question? A secret, or what the secret is? And you know how it is with secrets, they come to light at the darndest times, and the darndest ways, and can be easily misinterpreted, and misunderstood. I would think any partner would rather be prepared, and informed of any secret that could come out by his/her partner, rather than from a 3rd party.

Ease the shock you know, and keep innocent things from blowing up in your face later. Just the 2 cents of a LOOOOOONG time happily married straight guy. I hate messy drama! Honesty brings its own awkwardness sometimes.

What is the "Full Circuit"? Oral Sex? Mutual Masturbation? Dry humping? Intercourse?

You say that your husband doesn't mind as long as you "don't go the full circuit" but your husband doesn't see the full picture. You are hiding part of it. He only sees the handholding and dancing not the kissing. That is what makes it wrong. Any consent on your husband's part is based on incomplete information. Until he knows about everything and gives his informed consent you are all but cheating on him.

I think you are both using each other for a secret thrill. You both seem to think it is safe to play games with each other that you probably wouldn't with anyone else. What you seem to be ignoring is that a match is all it takes to start a forest fire or destroy a house and home.

You also appear to get a thrill out of being attractive to someone other than your husband. Is there something missing from your marriage? Do you need more affection and intimacy? Do you and your husband need to communicate more about intimacy and fantasies? Loving someone doesn't mean there aren't issues or needs that aren't being understood/acknowledged or met.

Either talk to your husband and get his informed consent and the consent of your friend's partner for your games or back away from the friendship. If you can't keep your hands and mouth off of him then you may need stop being around him until you can control yourself.

To keep it short and sweet Sister, "YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE"

I will address this, as the emotional part.

What if he was a women... and there was this level of relationship.

Also, of course the issue of "gay" gay guys have no sexual interest in women... he would want to kiss and be with a man... not you...

So both of you, need to define your relationship

Would you be upset if your husband had lesbian friends that kissed him passionatly? Nothing to worry about after all.

I think we know the answer to that already.

Boundaries of good behavior would be nice. Do nothing that you would be ashamed to share with your partner.