Ask Me Help Desk - To Forgive, Or To Not Forgive

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that I used to self harm. I was devastated, even more so because, being the hormonal teen that I am, I thought she was 'the one' and that I'd be with her forever and ever. She changed all that with one rash decision. Strangely, today she sent me a couple texts saying how sorry she is and that she loves me and that she misses me so much, etc. The thing is, I can't bring myself to forgive her. I don't think I can trust her anymore. How do I know she won't leave when things start getting difficult for me again, or when I tell her some other very deep and personal secret of mine? I told her that love is unconditional, and that if she loved me less or stopped loving me completely than it wasn't true love in the first place. On the other hand, despite all this, there's still a part of me that wants her back. There's a little sliver of my heart that will only beat for her. I'm conflicted. Very conflicted. I just need your opinion(s) on whether I should give her a second chance. To forgive, or to not forgive

If she is giving you a chance by coming back but even though now she found out those stuffs about you the I think you can also forgive her! I am not going to comment on other things becos I really don't have any idea why u self harm! No one likes that, especially those who love you! You are indirectly harming them too.

This no doubt freaked her out . She is a hormonal teen as well. Loving someone does not mean you don't get angry or never feel uncomfortable or never leave. I don't see what she did as being unforgivable. Maybe she was not ready for the drama in your life.

You sound too immature to be in a relationship. Plus you can't have a healthy relationship until you fix some things in your own life. You should allow her to move on while you work on you. Plus I am guessing you two weren't together too long so you didn't invest a huge amount of time and energy into what you are calling your girlfriend.

If you can forgive yourself for past mistakes, and cannot forgive others for their past mistakes then you have more problems than just forgiveness my young friend. She apologized so accept it, and get over yourself. If you don't want to be involved with her anymore, that's one thing, and up to you, but forgiveness is also as unconditional as you think love is.

Don't get caught up in hormonal BS. It's subject to change quickly. Just like this notion of being together forever. Do the right thing. Forgive unconditionally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by In The End

How do I know she won't leave when things start getting difficult for me again, or when I tell her some other very deep and personal secret of mine? I told her that love is unconditional, and that if she loved me less or stopped loving me completely than it wasn't true love in the first place.

You won't know this with any relationship you become involved in. Relationships involve some risk and leaps of faith. How does she know that you won't self-harm again?

Are you getting help for dealing with the things that have been difficult for you? If not, why not? That would be the first step. If you have been, keep at it. You need to be in a good place with yourself and your own emotions, and ways of dealing with what life throws at you, before you can be healthy in a relationship with someone else.

It sounds as though she got scared when she heard about the self-harming, but then gave it some thought.

Love is often very conditional.

Self harm is a serious issue, and if she did not know, and you never told her, you were first not in a really deep relationship yet.

With that said, the fact you did those things, most likely really upset her and made her have all sorts of worried and fears about being with you.

Personally she also had to deal with all of this. So you are trying to make this all about you. And not about both of you. You did not seem to address, the issues she would have had about this

Thank you guys for your advice. You were all right on multiple counts.

Although there are a few things I need to comment on. Oliver2011 said that I "sound too immature to be in a relationship" and that he was "guessing we weren't together too long." I don't mean to be rude, but you can't judge how mature I am based off of one post. Also, we were together for nearly 4 months so, while that may not be a VERY long time, it's still relatively lengthy. Also, talaniman said that I need to "get over myself." I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that but if you're implying that I'm stuck-up or cocky than you are wrong. However, I do agree with you that I should forgive unconditionally. Once again, I don't mean to sound rude or snobby by correcting you, I just wanted to address some things. You guys were for the most part spot on about everything else. Thank you.

I suggest and get your feelings were hurt because of her reaction, mine would be too, but getting over yourself is the notion that its not just about you, but understanding her shock. It was difficult to reveal this part of yourself, and difficult to be prepared for her reaction.

Initial reactions, both yours and hers often change when the emotional dust settles and thoughtful consideration follows. No way was it meant to imply being cocky, or stuck up, just to clarify. Maybe self absorbed, hurt, defensive, would be better words here but getting over your hurt feelings was my meaning.

Again, this is not meant to be personal but I stand by what I said.

4 months was around what I expected and it's a terribly short time. You don't know this yet because you don't have the gift of life experience but you can't determine that "she is the one" after 4 months. You don't know each other yet. So determining that "and that I'd be with her forever and ever" is a very naïve statement as far as relationships go. That is not a slam on you, all teenagers including me were the same way.

I do have a question though - "when I tell her some other very deep and personal secret of mine" - what purpose does that serve? It sounds very attention seeking as if you think you can force her into a relationship with you.

You showed her your true colors and she took a hike. In this case she did what was best for her which I think was best for both of you. Again - work on you so that you can be a better person for the person you are in a relationship with. Until you do that I would venture to say all of your "relationships" will follow the same path.

Quote:

Originally Posted by In The End

Thank you guys for your advice. You were all right on multiple counts.

Although there are a few things I need to comment on. Oliver2011 said that I "sound too immature to be in a relationship" and that he was "guessing we weren't together too long." I don't mean to be rude, but you can't judge how mature I am based off of one post. Also, we were together for nearly 4 months so, while that may not be a VERY long time, it's still relatively lengthy. Also, talaniman said that I need to "get over myself." I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that but if you're implying that I'm stuck-up or cocky than you are wrong. However, I do agree with you that I should forgive unconditionally. Once again, I don't mean to sound rude or snobby by correcting you, I just wanted to address some things. You guys were for the most part spot on about everything else. Thank you.

You have a point. I need to work on myself. My naïveté and selfishness got the best of me. I apologiz

No apology needed. Life is about making some mistakes and always learning from those mistakes. That also makes life fun too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by In The End

You have a point. I need to work on myself. My naïveté and selfishness got the best of me. I apologiz