I get into a deep depression every now and then. My life sucks, it's HORRIBLE. I have been tolerating my annoying, obnoxious family members for a few year now who wrecked me emotionally. When I get depressed, I get this intense urge to finish them. I get thoughts of wanting to kill them or myself a lot and I try SO HARD to control myself. I feel like as months are passing by, I am becoming more and more depressed. I have been homebound for a few years now and my disorders are becoming worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to share my personal problems here but I am sick and tired of everything. I am thinking of doing something crazy my family members would probably never have thought of. My depression is getting out of hand and no one knows everything about it/me. They don't listen to anything really and are pretty intolerant. I am homeschooled, last year of high school, extremely FREAKING SHY AS HELL (the main issue), have no friends or anyone to talk to, suffer from other disorders because of how I was treated and again, HOMEBOUND. I CANNOT take it anymore. Please don't tell me that this is easy or whatever. It's NOT. I need advice or something. I can message someone who is willing to listen to my problems. Please don't be rude.

I can't seem to think positive or be optimistic.

You're a good writer and express yourself very well. Have you ever talked with or even written to a counselor?

Blackeagle12

There are a lot of people who have experienced what you appear to be going through. I can tell you that you will never get better until you can find a way to break the cycle. If you are obsessed with something, the way out is to stop, but this is not as easy as words make it sound. This isn't easy and in some cases almost seems impossible, but it is the way out. Friends, counselors, medications, exercise, doing things for others and with others that gives you a sense of accomplishment and goodness is a place to start. (often we get in a cycle of depression and self pity and feeling worthless- even hate). Doing something that is positive really helps you feel better about yourself. When you feel better about yourself your depression lessens. Make sure you give yourself credit for any and everything that is positive no matter how small it is. It may initially help in the short term, but it does provide at least a temporary break and a hope that you can do something about your depression. Once you can get a way to break the cycle, even if it is for a short time, it gives you a way forward towards healing. If it is to the point of self destruction, then you need to get professional help! Seriously! You can hate and blame those around your for your problem, but healing will never take place until you can take control and realize that you are in control of your life and blaming someone else only makes the problem worse. You can't hold your happiness hostage to what others do, did, or don't do or you will never be happy. You may or may not be justified in your feelings, but at some point you have to take control and do away with the blame game. You need to develop a mental toughness and realization, that depression as bad as it is, will not kill you, even though you may feel that it is. Once you beat an episode of depression, you learn that if you are strong and do the things that helped you the first time, it will be a source of strength and reference to reduce the effects of the another episode. Hate will never bring happiness, in fact the more you hate the worse it is probably going to get. I am not going to tell you why I know these things, but trust me you can be proactive, or reactive and the results are much better when you are proactive. Every life is of value and sometimes realizing that is difficult. You are worth an immeasurable amount, you just haven't discovered it yet. A good friend or confidant can be a lifesaver if you don't wear them down with negativity. It's hard to have the strength for a friend who is depressed, so try to be as positive as you can and though you may need to blow off some steam, do it and move on or you will test a good friend or confidant to the limit. You are worth it! You are going to do better! You are going to move forward! You are going to be the one who decides your state of happiness! Oh and by the way if you are a youth still at home you need to respect your parents as bad as you think they are, there has to be something good about them, even if it was just creating you!

Good luck young lady.

It would be helpful to know what disorders you have been diagnosed with. And, is it because of these disorders that you are being home schooled?

Why are you homebound?

I am sure you would like an honest answer to your situation, but please provide more information.

All that comes through now clearly, is you are extremely angry, you are housebound for some reason, and you have thoughts of wanting to kill your family members, and yourself- but there is not enough of 'why' this is so.

I get the impression that you have the worst of your thoughts- murder and suicide- when you are depressed. Is there something that triggers this depression particularly?

More information would be helpful, in order to help you.

Nowhere did you say what sort of medical treatment you have received or what all a doctor diagnosed. Or that you have even received any medical treatment.

As was suggested if you provide this other information... we will have a better picture of the situation. And your current age as well.

As bad as you think you have it at home... just wait until you are out on your own... where nobody has to listen to you, or is obligated to help you. You will find your family has actually been far more accommodating than you havegiven them credit for so far. Like most if not all teens your age find out eventually.