I'm getting married soon and I and my fiancé are in our early twenties. He has a 3yr old daughter who is the result of a "one-night-stand" in high school. :o I was lucky enough to meet her when she wasn't even two yet, so she really has no memories without me in her life; of that I am thankful. The problem is, because my fiancé was so young when he had her, his Mom kind of took over as parent for the time being until he was mature enough to take on that role. He has grown up so much since then and of course is "being Dad" now, but his Mom still feels it her right to get in the middle of him trying to raise his daughter. Because she is "the grandma", his daughter of course gets away with everything and is now learning to be very defiant with me, knowing that Grandma will let her get away with it. And she of course has her Dad wrapped around her finger. She is not my daughter so this might be that big of a problem, but she is only three! I'm going to be co-raising her for quite awhile, and even if I'm "just" the step-parent, I do not need to be getting walked all over already! I just don't know how to get a handle on all of this without over stepping my "boundaries".:confused:

You need to sit down with your fiancé and SET boundaries, and agree to stick to them.

As far as his mom goes... in our family, what happens at gramma's is different than what happens at home, but she should still respect your parenting choices, as long as they are not endangering the child.

Unfortunately, your fiancé needs to be the one to talk to her about that. He needs to let her know how she is undermining your authority, and how you ARE the daughter's parent, even if not biologically.

If he is not willing to do both--talk to you about boundaries and work with you to enforce them, and talk to his mom about backing down... it's going to be a miserable 15 years for you.

I know a lot of 2 and 3 year olds who are defiant and don't fit the step parent situation you are in. Grandma's authority will be an issue for quite some time. Your future husband gave her the authority to be the mom because he wasn't able to raise her, so grandma is really the mom in her eyes. Take it slow, I'm talking years, for this transition and try to make a strong friendship with grandma, she's your future mother-in-law. Ask her advice on several matters from time to time to show you recognize her "expertise". Be firm but always fair with your step daughter when you deal with her defiance. She is trying to show some control over her life, most children do at this age. My grand daughters fiorst word was NO.

Your fiancé needs to take the parenting role from his mom, completely. Make a visitation time for grandma and the little girl, but make it clear to the grandma that she is no longer in charge. (I am assuming your fiancé has custody of the child legally, not his mother.) Then your husband needs to have a talk with his daughter. At this point, although the defiance is geared toward you, if you haven't been playing a parenting role in her life, you shouldn't be the one to bring it up. Let her dad explain how things are, and what he expects of her and her relationship with you. (Make sure you and dad are on the same page first.) It is a matter of time and routine, discipline and reward. It will simply take time to establish boundaries with her. Make it clear what rules and expectations there are. Make a reward chart for complying. Have a special spot designated for time outs. This kid is going to test your limits and your patience, so be ready. Never yell or scream, always remain calm and in control. This shows her she can't rattle you. Be consistent with the rules, rewards, and punishments. She needs to know that even when she is being 'bad' she will be loved. Take into consideration that grandma was caring for her, loved her, and she was used to the way grandma did things. This is a huge change for her, and she is trying to figure out if she is as loved and as safe as before, and what the limits are in her new environment. Give her time to sort it all out too.

I agree you need to sit down and have rules if she is only 3 and can walk all over you it will only get worse much worse.

It may be helpful to know that 3 year olds are defiant by nature so her behavior, maddening as it is, is normal. I suggest that you set up a system of consistent boundaries with your boyfriend and his mother, planned when the child is asleep and not being disruptive. Introduce time outs and a reward system. Set small goals for what you want to accomplish - for example, start with getting her on a predictable schedule with set times for naps and bedtime, and work from there.