I'm pretty sure my husband isn't having a physical affair but I'm afraid he might be having an emotional one. For a year or two now he has lost all interest in intimate relations with me but continues to watch porn on the computer. Also when he gets home from work at night and all day on the weekends he just logs into his computer.game. If I ask him to turn off his game and spend some time with me he gets really upset and tries to pick a fight. Today when I was using his computer to find a song I noticed he visits messages this woman from work almost every day in the middle of the night. At that time of the night I know its not work related. Also he deleted all the messages from her, but not from any one else on his account. I know he will probably say they're just friends. But why only message in the middle of the night when I'm working or sleeping and why delete only her messages. Any insight or advice would be helpful.

So... snooping is going to accomplish what exactly? Are you really making him want to leave you... even if there really isn't anything going on... doing what you are doing is sure to work.

I'm pretty certain there is a lot more to this you aren't telling us. Like what else you might have done to tick him off... he's clearly upset with you over something... and like the old saying goes. It takes two to tango. The fact you are trying to appear completely innocent and how he is such an evil person trying to pick a fight is telling me you are hiding something. Nothing is ever as one sided as you are trying to make it appear. Trust me sometimes what someone avoids saying says more than what they actually do say.

What exactly do you do that he finds irritating? Its obvious its something that started a year or two ago... trust me... want to turn a guy off to you... nag him enough. Works extremely well. We can tolerate some things for a while... but eventually we just get fed up and it will stop ANY affection dead in its tracks.


Why do it in the middle of the night? Well for one you aren't there hovering or doing whatever bothers him....and incidentally, a guy can chat with females without any hanky panky going on and vice versa....there are a number of long time members on this site who do this all the time....I myself do...and believe me...we are nothing but online friends...nothing more is going on.

I suspect he has an idea what you are doing....and he does it just to aggravate you for snooping. Nothing like doing something to get some elses imagination going overtime to let them drive themselves crazy while you sleep like a baby knowing you actually said nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm guessing you're a little bitter towards women since your reply focused on attacking me instead of answering any questions. For those wanting to honestly answer my post:
We have been married for two and a half years. We have a one year old son. My husband started being distant soon after we married. I have tried talking to him about it but whenever I try to have a calm, nonblaming conversation he gets very defensive and then proceeds to verbally assault me.

I'm hardly bitter towards women... I've been happily married for 23 years and I dated a lot of them before them, I actually quite like women. And have many as friends. I've just learned that nothing is ever one sided... and when someone presents it as such... they aren't being completely honest. I'm trying to get you to see this not just through your own eyes... but his as well.

You NEED to do that if you ever expect things to improve.

I don't believe in snooping but obviously, I don't believe in people sneaking around and having secret relationships when they are married.

I thought my husband was disengaged from the marriage and cheating. I didn't snoop but did come across things I think he passive-aggressively left for me to come across. My hunch was right. Yours probably is too.

I think a high horse ride about snooping is not going to resonate when you are home with an infant and a disengaged, shady husband.

I think that the sooner you have information on what you think might be going on, the better.

It is with that information ( he picks fights when you try to talk to him and spend time with him, so how else are you going to know what he's up to), that you now need to confront him.

That you haven't already, tells me that you may not be ready to accept what he very well might say, which puts you in an entirely different situation because then it will have to be dealt with.

He may very well simply enjoy talking to her. But not at the expense of talking to his wife. He may very well enjoy porn- but not at the expense of neglecting an intimate relationship with you. He may very well enjoy video games, but again, not at the expense of spending time with you.

He is doing whatever he's doing, with no regard to you. It has been my experience that when somebody is trying to hide something from their partner, deflection (starting arguments over nothing) implies some guilt about something. That may simply be that he knows he's been neglecting you, and should be in bed at 3 a.m. and not on the computer with another woman chatting.

You don't know that anything is going on- yet. But, you need to know one way or the other. I'm not going to condemn you for how you went about snooping. I would find out what was going on, under my own roof, under my nose, and in secret, and snoop my butt off if my husband was doing what yours was.

And, I have been married for 38 years this July 17th. I'm not a fool, and neither are you.

Tell him you need to talk to him. Give him a date and time. Get a sitter in, and go out for dinner, or coffee, or to a park. Bring take out coffee, and just begin by telling him that you do know some things, and those things need to be aired with honesty. Talk, and listen, and on you go. If he rejects your attempt at communicating with him, and considers it perfectly normal and you are over-reacting and imagining things, then it is time to consider other options.

Let us know how you make out.

Lets focus on the real issues. Cheating or not cheating is not a major issue.

Addiction to video games.
Lack of emotional attention

Just deal with what you know if those can not be corrected, divorce may be the only option, or just accepting it

1. sit down with him, when he is not playing, and explain this, and ask him if he will stop doing it
2 if he agrees, see if he will do counseling with you to help build your relationship back.

If he will not, explain you can not live like this. And he has to make a choice

Is it snooping or is it self and family preservation? I say it's the latter two. Could be more than an emotional affair (I never saw one of those newfangled emotional type affairs in the many affairs I knew of at work- that's wishful thinking in my opinion). And if a spouse snooped and found that it was more than emotional and that they were at risk of disease affecting their family, would so-called snooping be justified? All BS- do what you need to do to protect yourself and your health and financial well-being.

Smearcase, you make a good point. Often before parties to a marriage confirm cheating by he spouse, that spouse has already passed on STDs and/or dissipated the marital estate with spending on their paramour. They may be planning to leave, and moving (hiding) marital funds or changing beneficiaries, etc. so this has more to it than privacy.

I don't think you are a snoop,just found something you didn't understand and want an explanation. Pretty reasonable, but since he has none, and won't discuss it then you have to more aggressively seek your own facts. That's the price of not being willing to communicate. It starts with complete honesty, and full disclosure. Who cares if he gets defensive, the important thing here is he knows how you feel and don't like what he is doing which appears to be behind your back.

Sometimes it does take a stubborn emotional stance to shake the tree and get acknowledged and not be ignored. When calm, rational, reasonable attempts don't work, more direct measures are indicated. If he isn't happy with you he needs to tell you why. The last thing you should do is act like nothing is going on and you are going along with it. That's no way to live, relate, set boundaries or resolve things, or get the truth out in the open and deal with it.

Sometimes it does take a storm to clear the air of utter BS! At least burn his toast and serve it for breakfast.