This guy I'm dating recently broke up with a girl he was dating for 6 years. This was a girl he often said he would marry, but they had many problems and it was an on-again, off-again kind of relationship for the last couple of years, as well as long distance (he moved away for work). Recently he found a job here and came back home, and they broke up. He was still in contact with his ex, and would tell me all about what was going on and it seemed like they wanted to get back together. The problem is I realized that I still had feelings for him (we used to date before this last relationship). He started spiralling with drinking, drugs and excessive partying, but I joined him in all of this to sort be closer to him. We even hooked up multiple times. The drinking and drug abuse got worse though, even his ex was worried. I eventually befriended her and we staged a sort of "intervention" to get him to quit, which didn't work. After a while, she decided she didn't like me and gave him an ultimatum - it was either her or me. He didn't want to choose so she ended it for good, going completely no contact on him. After a while, he came to me proposing a friends with benefits arrangement which I wasn't OK with. I told him I'd be willing to have an open relationship for now, which he agreed to. Now all of his friends, including his brother, keep joking around that our's is a rebound relationship. Is that what this is?

I don't know what it is but I think you both need to get sober to find out. What I'm going to suggest maY seem really old fashioned but give it a try.

I suggest you change your focus. Instead of trying to be with him at all costs, evaluate whether he is a good potential husband. Would he be a good father? Are you a better person when you are with him? Does he share your values, or do you make compromises that feel wrong in order to be with him? Does he make you feel secure and cherished, or does he make you doubt your potential, attractiveness or other attributes?

what is your end game? What do you ultimately want? If you want to be loved, treated well, to get married, buy a home, have a life partner who can provide financial support and help, will help around the house, be considerate or your feelings, be a protector - you need to be looking for those qualities when you date. You may not be ready for marriage, but do you want to develop feelings that will take the young years of your life to chase a guy who doesn't have the goods to be what you need?

If you think he could be the one, dig deep and let him know what you want. "Dave, I don't want to be anyone's second choice or booty call. I am working toward having a happy life. I'm looking for the guy who wants to be with me , and who ultimately wants a wife and kids. If that's not you, we can be friends. If it could be you, we have to cut the drugs and partying and really date with the intent of getting to know each other to decide if I think you could be a good husband. And if you think I can be a good wife. If you just want someone to sleep with, that can't be me."

I don't know what you'd call the relationship you have with him now. It seems that more important things (the drug use and alcohol) are in the way of him being able to have a serious relationship with anyone.

I think instead of a rebound relationship, I'd consider him a friend with a lot of problems, his ex included. Not all of his behavior can be considered part of a fall out from his last relationship.

That you acted on an 'intervention' of sorts, with his ex, didn't help at all as you said. He is not ready to stop living the life he chooses to live, and obviously a relationship with any substance, isn't a priority.

You can choose to live in the shadow of him, and his lifestyle, and call it what you will, but the bottom line is, you are second to how he lives his life.

More important in my opinion, is to consider what you want. Choosing to be in some sort of relationship with a man with this many problems, will get you nowhere- as you've already learned from the 'intervention'.

You can't change him, and you probably don't want to live a downward spiral life with him, which is what it will be. While you may have strong feelings for him (they're all great people when sober), consider that until he gets his own life straightened out, there is no room for you.

I fail to see the difference between FWB, and an open relationship. It's certainly not a rebound just a quick fix patch while he goes back and forth with a long term ex. Not healthy for either of you and adding the drinking and drugging makes him a VERY bad choice for even dating let alone hoping for more. You will be dragged down while he never heals from his ex,or deals with his drinking and drugging.

REMOVE yourself completely from this unhealthy dangerous situation and find healthier partners. You are inflicted with a high case of false hope that this will be anything but a sometime hook up. Fun when its good, but a lot of BS when its not. He just has too many issues to be a good romantic interest let alone dependable enough to give your heart too. It doesn't even come close to a rebound since the ex is still very much in the picture. Foolish to even see her as a friend even as clearly she is not. Sorry.

Thank you both for your replies, you've definitley given me a lot to think about.

I definitely think he's the one. He has so many qualities that I admire, and I think he could be a good husband and father - some day. He told me after his last breakup that he felt things happened too soon with her, that he would only be ready to settle down in 5 -10 years time. I know for a fact that he cheated on her during their "on" phase of their on-again off-again stage, and that he had a "roster or rotation of women" of sorts, and I was sort of one of them. This is why I suggested the open relationship, this way we are together and he has freedom to see who he wants to (although he does ask my permission first). I think it's just a phase, and that when he is ready and done having his fun, he will let his roster go. I won't say that it doesn't bother me; when I know he's out with another women, I often can't sleep. Especially when I know the particular woman has feelings for him, too. We get along great though, he looks after me, as I do him. He's even calmed down with the alcohol and drugs since we became official. He still smokes weed though, a joint everyday. I haven't nagged him further about this though because it doesn't seem like it interferes in his relationships or with his work.

What does bug me is those comments about this being a rebound relationship. Shortly before we became official, he tried to get into the same friends with benefits relationship with another woman in his "roster", and she turned him down because she wanted a relationship. He made a comment once (also before we became official) about how perhaps he should settle down with her, it would make all the other women furious ( a mutual friend told me this). And now I'm wondering if I'm the replacement girl, a tool used to make all the other women jealous. I feel like I can't really be objective about this. If I ask him directly, regardless of the reality, I think he would tell me this is real. And I would be inclined to believe him because that's what I so desperately want to hear.

Thank you Talaniman for your reply, even though admittedly it's not exactly what I was hoping to hear. Your post resonates in my mind - its exactly what I'm fearing. I don't feel like he is necessarily bringing me down though, but I get that he isn't exactly uplifting me either. I fear one day I will be thinking "what if-". Like for instance what if I hung in there, maybe he would've sorted himself out and I would've had the life I wanted with him. We do apparently want the same things, and I feel like maybe if I hang in there, he would eventually be ready. Then again, I do not want to give him possibly years of my life only to end up with nothing but pain and hurt. It's just so hard to let go, especially when I feel I have invested so much of myself into this relationship already. Lots to think about I guess...

HARSHNESS WARNING

You poor deluded fool, as are all his harem of women are. You sound so reasonable, and intelligent, and are worried about a rebound when you are just one of many? Well believe anything he says and learn the hard way the price of foolishness bordering on stupidity. You don't need advice, you need help for your own very real issues and YOUR drinking and drugging has rendered your thinking and logic... dysfunctional, and non existent. You probably won't last to find out if this fool you worship is a good father and mate, and being a rebound is the least of your problems.

GET help for your utter INSANITY. Please!!

Alexisthegreat, you are the desire of every man who wants a Harem. You are so easy and even complicit to a deadend. Get some self-esteme and move on, before you have to look back and say Good God why did I ever waste all those years.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alexisthegreat

Thank you Talaniman for your reply, even though admittedly it's not exactly what I was hoping to hear. Your post resonates in my mind - its exactly what I'm fearing. I don't feel like he is necessarily bringing me down though, but I get that he isn't exactly uplifting me either. I fear one day I will be thinking "what if-". Like for instance what if I hung in there, maybe he would've sorted himself out and I would've had the life I wanted with him. We do apparently want the same things, and I feel like maybe if I hang in there, he would eventually be ready. Then again, I do not want to give him possibly years of my life only to end up with nothing but pain and hurt. It's just so hard to let go, especially when I feel I have invested so much of myself into this relationship already. Lots to think about I guess...

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I read this post after my "harshness warning", but forget about what if's and deal with what is because the time you waste is your own and you cannot get it back. You can and should do better. He has nothing invested, and nothing to lose, and has many more options besides you. Yes think about it. That's a start, then run like hell!!

Invest in your future happiness, not this... delusion.