I have a crushed keystone light can stuck in the siphon of my toilet pipes, what in SAMs hell do I do!?

Other than remove it?

How did you find it... how far in is it?

If the can is caught in the upper bend of the trap you should be able the poor out with your hand. If not, purchase a closet auger and see if you can argue it out. If all else fails you can pull the toilet and go into the bottom. Good luck, Tom