Ask Me Help Desk - Did I Over React?

Hey everyone.

As most of you know, I have had issues with my elder brothers rude comments about my parenting and son. Our last issue, when my brother made a comment about the way my son ate, happened well over a year ago, we have resolved that and moved on.

Now, he has seemed to find yet again, another issue.

We were at mom and dads for a family BBQ and my son, who is five now, as well as my brothers son, who is 6 months younger and four, were rough housing on the trampoline. My mom was outside with them as the rest of our immediate family sat inside.

My brother was watching the boys through the back window and said, "psh, those boys." which made me look to see what was happening.

Low and behold they were throwing each other around and taking one another to the ground. All while smiling and what appeared to be laughing. So, I said, "I think it is funny, until someone starts crying." I then began to open the back door to intervene, but my brother said to let them go.

My son, was grabbing his sons arm and twirling him around and taking him down. His son was popping right back with arm out for another round. My brother the said, "I am going to have to teach (we will call his son N) N how to toss kids around."

I could kind of tell that their playing was making my brother upset, but he did not want me to intervene. I pointed out when N got a good tackle or toss on (we will call my son D) D.

Then D took N down and held him there for a little bit. And my brother made a comment. "Seem D is trying to hurt N."

I looked at my brother in disbelief. They were playing. N was getting back up and asking for more. Mom was outside watching them. I went out there grabbed D and N was yelling, "No, don't take him. We were just playing."

When I brought him back inside I was gathering all of our stuff to leave and my brother was telling me that I was blowing it out of proportion. Then he proceeded to put the two boys back to back to show me their size difference. Hello, D is six months older, I am fully aware he is bigger.

To wrap this up. Later on that night, I receive a text from my brothers wife asking if I said I thought it was funny the way the boys were playing. So now she thinks I meant something hurtful by it.

Did I blow it out of proportion? Or what is your option? Thanks

In my opinion, your brother was goading you to get a reaction. It would have been best to say "boys will be boys" and left it at that.

You made your statement and then attempted to intervene. That was the response your brother was trying to get out of you. Had you just let it go the situation may not have escalated the way it did.

I completely get what you are saying. I guess I couldn't let it go. Only because it happens all too much. I feel as though my son and the way his dad and I raise him will always be wrong in my brothers eyes.

We had a Fourth Of July party last year at my house. There were a bunch of young kids there. My brothers son was playing and walked in front of swing which lead to him being kicked in the head. The child that was swinging got of and apologized even though she couldn't stop. My brother made a big scene and said that people do not know how to watch their children and started to pack up and leave.

I do not know why, but it seems no body is as good of a parent as he and my sister in law.

Quote:

Originally Posted by busymomma2013

My brother made a big scene and said that people do not know how to watch their children

I do not know why, but it seems no body is as good of a parent as he and my sister in law.

If your brother were such a good parent, he would have kept an eye on his child and his son wouldn't have walked in front of the swing.

Your brother is a jerk.

He sounds like the kind of parent who's kid always putting their child on some sort of pedestal. Right or wrong, he is 'superior' to other kids. I'm sure his attitude is likely more subtle, but exactly the same with any other kid his kid is playing with.

And it was just playing, and I do think there is something to the idea stated, that he was goading you. Jealousy maybe? A bit of a superiority attitude?

I would not respond to something so ridiculous as far as your brother's wife is concerned. Ignore her email. Carry on as usual with family activities with all of your family, including her, and pretend her comments didn't bother you enough to reply. There will be more in the future, from both of them, about you, your son, your parenting skills, etc. and so on. You can never win battles with entitled people who are never, ever wrong.

I would take the opportunity though to explain to your son, that you know he was just playing, and you want to make sure he didn't think he did anything wrong, or that he is responsible in any way.

The problem isn't/wasn't the kids, but you and your brother. Your sibling rivalry has spilled over into the kids and that's sad you both have less self control than they do. I guess you thought that it was your turn to pack up and leave.

The parents are spoiling the kids fun.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Your brother is a jerk.

He sounds like the kind of parent who's kid always putting their child on some sort of pedestal. Right or wrong, he is 'superior' to other kids. I'm sure his attitude is likely more subtle, but exactly the same with any other kid his kid is playing with.

And it was just playing, and I do think there is something to the idea stated, that he was goading you. Jealousy maybe? A bit of a superiority attitude?

I would not respond to something so ridiculous as far as your brother's wife is concerned. Ignore her email. Carry on as usual with family activities with all of your family, including her, and pretend her comments didn't bother you enough to reply. There will be more in the future, from both of them, about you, your son, your parenting skills, etc. and so on. You can never win battles with entitled people who are never, ever wrong.

I would take the opportunity though to explain to your son, that you know he was just playing, and you want to make sure he didn't think he did anything wrong, or that he is responsible in any way.

Thank you.

I did in deed take time to let my son know that he did nothing wrong. As he is 5 and can completely comprehend an argument.

I will continue to do family activities and such.

Everyone parents differently. No right or wrong way. So long as the children are fed, loved, disciplined when needed, and not bringing harmed.

I love my brother and sister in law. But all of this non sense makes it difficult to want to be around them. However, when it news over, I will try again.

Hopefully my son doesn't remember all the little things. I am afraid that sooner than later he will not want to play with his cousins because of remembering always being judged.

If your son does remember being judged, that can be a positive thing to have learned.

Instinct develops with experience, and it will be instinct, that will keep him cautious. As he learns to trust his own instinct, that will fare very well for him when he is older and can make judgments of his own, as to who he wants for friends.

Kudos to you for not forcing him to accept that he has to put up with bad behavior (no matter what his age, or that of his cousins). He'll also learn that no matter who he is playing with, if he becomes uncomfortable, you will understand why he walks away.

You need an effective strategy to deal with your jerk brother and sister in law so you don't get pushed to behave as they want you too, so they can justify themselves.

Your behavior is what your child will see, remember, and emulate as he grows up, no matter the words along the way. Talking to your child is important, don't get me wrong, but most children absorb what they see you do on many levels.

Okay everyone, more family drama...

It has been a while since the last spat with my brother and we have both just ignored it.

My sister in law has been planning a camping trip for quite sometime now and invited my family to join before the spat between my brother and I happened.

A few days after the spat I texted my sister in law to make sure the camping trip was still happening since I had not talked ro either one of them for a while. She responded and said yup.

Well, Monday rolls around, and we are leaving form camping this weekend. I still do not have any information about the camping trip. I asked her through text what the plans were. I never got an answer so I sent the same message to her again. She responded with?? Fri-Sun, you will need a discovery pass. Fend for yourself.

No conformation about where we will be or who is going or even what time.

The campground that I believe we will be going to is first come, first serve. So, I asked her on Monday if she would be interested in going on Thursday with me so we could be sure to get a couple of spots.

She did not respond.

I went to my husbands sister's house on that Monday to visit, let the kids play, and discuss camping (because they were invited to). I mentioned to my husbands sister that I asked my sister in law if she wanted to go on Thursday, but has not answered me. And my husbands sister said she would like to go early.

So, I made plans with my husbands sister's family and mine to go one day earlier just to be sure we get a spot.

About 8 hours later I finally get a response from my SIL that said, No, I am going Friday... I scooped out what site I want and it was empty last Friday so fingers are crossed that it will be empty this Friday too.

I responded with OK. "Sarah" is going to go Thursday with us. What Site are you looking at so we an pick one next to yours?

Once again no response.

I sent it again this morning and she finally responded with... that is not how these sites work... they are not numbered. So, what exactly are your plan? Are you going early to get a site with "Sarah's" family and yours?

I responded with oh, I went to the campsite yesterday and they had numbers? Are we still going to the same campground? Ad yes, that is the plan, but we want to be next to you. That's why I am trying to figure out what site you are wanting.

Then all hell breaks loose...

Her response... It sounds to me like your pretty much planning your own trip! I invited everyone and was putting this together... it supposed to be a carefree and relaxing weekend where everyone is together... that as until you have taken it upon yourself to get with "Sarah" and be sure to segregate yourselves in your own site! Pretty much in your own camping trip all together! In all honesty there was nothing for you to figure out, other than what you were planning to bring. I already scoped the sits (for 2weeks) to ensure its not busy on Friday and I got a head count. I told everyone Friday through Sunday. On Friday I plan to get up at the butt crack and lock down our sites so when people start showing up they can pick a tent spot. But no, you have taken it upon yourself to take over!! So, thank you for making a fun relaxing camping trip into a Rachel trip! Where you have single handedly picked your party to camp with, instead of just letting everyone be together! The last thing I wanted was any tension... but can't help but think that you have segregated yourself with "Sarah" due to the spat between you and your brother.

Now, I have been trying to call my sister in law to actually talk to her to figure out why this has blown up, but she will not pick up.

Can somebody give advice on what to do now... we are ready for camping and still want to go, but not Sure what is going on... so confused.

Why are you texting about something so important? Why not call her? (I've found out my messages don't always go through, and if the other person doesn't answer right away, the communication comes to a screeching halt.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by busymomma2013

Can somebody give advice on what to do now...

The best advice is to stop texting. There is so much lost in the written word and it can be taken wrong. TALK to her. If you can't do it face-to-face, then a phone call is in order.

You guys will fight about anything won't you? Do it her way, she planned it why butt in? Text her sorry for the goof and see you Friday, cheers.

Leave the rest alone.

I had the same thought as the others. Should have just called her after you didn't get a response from the first text. Now you call, apologize for the mix up and sort it out as best as possible.

Tried calling... she is not answering. Thanks. My family and I have decided to do our little trip. But I appreciate all the advice.

AH, the drama plays on. Sounds like you all are due for a chill pill and step back and see how you run you lives and try to run others. Give it a break or contact A&E to see if you can get serialized.