Hello,

I feel so lost. I lost my father who I loved very much and was very close to this January. His health had been fading for a long time (he was 73 yrs old), but he passed away quickly and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I feel so guilty because I had been to the hospital to see him that day, but I didn't really talk a lot I just sat with him in his room for two or three hours - and I went home. I should have talked, and I should have stayed longer. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and I was so happy. Last week I went to the hospital because I was spotting, and they tested my blood for hcg levels, and the test was not good. I miscarried at 12weeks and 5 days. I'm suppose to be student teaching (I'm 25 years old right now) but I haven't been in school this week. I feel so lost and so drained, I don't know how to deal with my emotions and push myself forward. Does anyone have any advice?

It is not fair, is it? Are you going through all this alone? Is there anyone whose shoulder you can lean on right now? I know that no one else can take away your deep sorrow but I want to tell you to take the time you need right now to grieve for both your Father and your unborn child. Yes, you are going to feel both emotionally and physically exhausted - so you need to make sure you are resting, eating, and keeping your body healthy.

Have you checked any support groups dealing with loss? Here there is a support groups for Moms who have lost a child through miscarriage. It is run through one of the churches here. Both the hospitals have support groups for people who have experienced the death of loved ones. Sometimes sharing your grief will lift your own cares off your shoulders. There are others to pray for you also in groups like that.

About your Father - you cannot beat yourself up for what you now think you could have done. No, please do not do that. Your Dad would not want that for you. He knows you were there and he knows how much you loved him. No matter how many years have passed since the death of a dearly loved family member, one can always come up with something that they feel they could have said or done. Please accept that you did all you could do and spent the time with your Dad in the best ways possible. Your Dad does not hold anything but love for you and he understood.

I had a miscarriage also and that left me with that lost feeling also. Have you explained this emotional exhaustion to your doctor? There are times we all go through a situational depression, blues, after a major life event. It is easy for someone to say just get back into the daily routine and time will heal. Time will heal. But it is not always easy to get back to the daily activities. But you have to. You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. If you have struggles with that, please talk to your doctor.

Have you done much reading by people such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She wrote "Death and Dying" There are many others who have written about bereavement.

Here are some links:
Death Dying and Bereavement - Coping with Death, Dying, Loss and Grief
Death and Dying
Beyond Indigo- Death and Dying: Support for Grief and Loss- Changing the way you think about grief

There is a definite time for grief and then comes the time to focus on life. My prayer for you is that you find the balance and the strength you need. Hugs.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You've really had a double whammy. Life does seem to dish out ordeals in clusters. All I can say is don't feel like you have to hurry and get finished grieving. It takes however long it takes, and it is not time wasted, so allow yourself to feel it and know it and accept that it's real and true--truer than a lot of the "happy times" that may in retrospect seem shallow and irrelevant. Big losses create big empty spots in your psyche, and although it hurts, there is a silver lining because those empty spaces can later be filled by wonderful people whom you never would have given a second glance before the experience of loss.

I feel for you... I've found that keeping a diary to write down your feelings in, does help lighten the stress level... keep in bundled inside will and it will get worse... sorry, that just my theory.

You are allowed to feel drained. You need to grieve for two incredible losses. But you can't blame yourself for either of them. You seem to feel guilty about leaving the hospital the day your father passed. I think people tend to imagine that they should have "done more" every time this sort of thing happens, but in truth, we can't. We don't know when these things will occur, and we can't stop them. Take comfort knowing you saw your father that day, and had the opportunity to share a few more precious hours with him. As for not conversing much, those you love don't need to hear you speak, they know you love them because you are there. Don't expect to feel like your old self right away. Mourning takes time, and you have been through a lot. If you feel like you are in a slump and you aren't progressing in any way, seek counseling to help you work through your feelings. I am very sorry for both of your losses. Just know that you will overcome this period of sadness and see a happier future.