Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend won't meet my parents after 4 years

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, BUT he still hasn't met my parents, I can't meet his as they live in Kurdistan (my boyfriends Muslim but moved to Liverpool when he was 18). My boyfriend is 33 and I'm 22 and for 4 years he has been promising to meet my parents but then another year passes without him meeting them. He has only met one of my sisters but that was because she kind of forced that meeting so I don't count that. He has been asked to Sunday dinner but every time he makes excuses. I don't want to force him so I don't carry on and on about it. Should I be worried that he hasn't met my parents after 4 years?

Yes, you should be worried, and even more worried you don't know why, and more alarming its been 4 years.

Has he ever given you a reason? Have you listened to his reasons or kept going on (without realizing it) until he agreed to meet them?

How religious/traditional is he? Are your parents religious? What have you told him about your parents?

I can understand that he might be hesitant to have Sunday dinner with them or meet them at any other Holiday get-together if he tends to be religious or is concerned that your family might be. However, that does not explain the fact that he hasn't met them in other situations.

Do you live with your parents or have a place your own? Have you tried to plan a simple dinner or very casual outing for them to meet in a low pressure atmosphere?

I find it a bit concerning that they haven't met even once for a quick introduction. But I am wondering if a big deal has been made of him meeting them and he is backing off because of that. Could there be a cultural issue when it comes to meeting parents? Does it hold even more significance for him than it does for you?

I am also wondering if he sees marriage in the future or if he is biding his time waiting for his family to find him a bride. In some parts of the world arranged marriages are still the norm. Have you discussed the future with him? Do you both have the same expectations?

Cat1864

No he isn't religious, he doesn't follow the Muslim life, he classes himself English.. and no my parents aren't religious either. So I don't think religion has anything to do with it.. When he says no to meeting them or makes an excuse I don't go on about it I just say okay like I said I don't want to force him to do something. He hasn't given me a reason why like I also said he has promised to meet them for 4 years but the years go by without him meeting them. I've told him everything about my parents and vice verse. I live with my parents but I mostly stay at his, I have my own flat keys and I have clothes in his as well, I only live with my parents when I'm in work since it's closer but I practically live with him. I have voiced my concerns about him waiting for his family to find him a bride but he says it's not like that in Kurdistan anymore, he has told his family about me and they are happy that he is happy.We have talked about the future but we have both agreed that we want to wait until we both have more money in our banks until we decided on anything drastic like marriage, I've only been in my job for 1 year and he is in between jobs at the minute so we both want to wait until we are both financially gained.

I'd be concerned that you only seem to see him at his place. Has he ever been to where you live? How do the two of you spend your time together? Since you don't do things together with your family, do you go out with friends sometimes? Since you are mostly at his place, what about inviting your parents over there for a meal? Or perhaps the two of you go out to a movie together with your parents? What have your parents said about the situation?

If you are a family type of person, you'll need to consider the possibility of choosing between time with your future husband or with your family during special celebrations, holidays, Sunday dinners, just casual get-togethers, etc. unless he starts to come around at least a little. Certainly not everyone is family oriented, and such gatherings can be uncomfortable for some people, but I would think an effort would have been made by 4 years.

Every time I'm of work I stay in his so when I'm in his we spend time together. And my boyfriend lives in allerton and we live in croxteth its to far for my dad to travel since he is sick and can't travel far. He has been around mine before when he has dropped me off home so he knows where I live. My mum and dad has asked to meet him and my boyfriend knows they do but my mum and dad has told me not to force him to meet them if he doesn't want to yet.

I spend time with my family all the time even if I'm in my boyfriends on a Sunday I go home to have Sunday dinner.

None of that matters if in 4 years you have no clue why he feel the way he does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by katrina1992

Every time I'm of work I stay in his so when I'm in his we spend time together. And my boyfriend lives in allerton and we live in croxteth its to far for my dad to travel since he is sick and can't travel far. He has been around mine before when he has dropped me off home so he knows where I live. My mum and dad has asked to meet him and my boyfriend knows they do but my mum and dad has told me not to force him to meet them if he doesn't want to yet.

I spend time with my family all the time even if I'm in my boyfriends on a Sunday I go home to have Sunday dinner.

So he drops you off at your home, but has never bothered to just come to the door and meet your parents?

This obviously bothers you since you took the time to post the question. Next time he drops you off, just say to him, "Come on up and meet my mum and dad". If, for some reason he says no, then ask him why not? If you want your parents to meet the man who you have been seeing for the last 4 years, who you live with when not at home, and you are thinking of marrying in the future, then you need to speak up.

If you are supposedly in a serious relationship, serious enough to be contemplating marriage at some point, then it is simply a common courtesy for there to be at least an introduction. Your parents have been very gracious to not want him forced to meet them if he doesn't want to yet... but it's been 4 years, not 4 months!

I might let this slide until he has a job. How long has it been? Is his job history similar to yours? Similar to your parents? Even in GB and the US, etc, parents are inclined to ask a man what he does for a living, first thing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I might let this slide until he has a job. How long has it been? Is his job history similar to yours? Similar to your parents? Even in GB and the US, etc, parents are inclined to ask a man what he does for a living, first thing!

He has only been unemployed for about 4 weeks so not long.. and my parents don't work my dad can't and my mum is my dads carer. I work in a care home and this is my first job.. he has always had a job but lately it's getting harder for him to find one.. so now he is unemployed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

So he drops you off at your home, but has never bothered
to just come to the door and meet your parents?
This obviously bothers you since you took the time to post the question. Next time he drops you off, just say to him, "Come on up and meet my mum and dad". If, for some reason he says no, then ask him why not? If you want your parents to meet the man who you have been seeing for the last 4 years, who you live with when not at home, and you are thinking of marrying in the future, then you need to speak up.

If you are supposedly in a serious relationship, serious enough to be contemplating marriage at some point, then it is simply a common courtesy for there to be at least an introduction. Your parents have been very gracious to not want him forced to meet them if he doesn't want to yet... but it's been 4 years, not 4 months!

It does bother me because I want him to meet them, my family is close so of course I want him to meet them.. I have asked him why he won't meet them but he just shrugs it off or makes a joke on why he can't meet them like he'll joke and say he can't meet them because he has too much hair.. we are in a serious relationship, our relationship is great apart from him not meeting the parents..
I've told him he will have to meet them sooner or later...

Did you say he was 33 going on 3? Something is wrong, wrong. Are you sure he is the right guy for you? Apparently he has no famiy skills, wonder how he will do if you have children down the road? Before you go down the road, this obstacle needs to be cleared up pronto.