I was with this guy for 2 year he had been in a mental home twice When he was younger and juvenile jail. I fell deeply for him giving him everything I had to offer in love. He was my first love and my first time. I thought about him non stop and had intense emotional connections toward him. He became violent in arguments first pushing me then grabbing me, putting his hands on my neck, kicking me enough to leave a bruise, holding me down. He tried to commit suicide in front of me 3 times. He was very jealous and controlling but so was I in a way. He would always say it was my fault he hurt me that I made him angry and that he would stop but he never did only for a week or two. He use to call me slut toe rag, mutt. The morning of the break up we were going shopping and I woke him up early. He got angry about this and we started arguing I just didn't understand why he could be so angry about that? He pushed me over 3 times, threw his wallet at me told me to pick it up like a good mutt, he threw his lighter at the back of my head and kicked me in my thigh, the police arrived and put a domestic violent order on him, he lived with me and I didn't tell my mother about the incident, a few days later he came back, my mum and my aunt found out and she thought I should break up with him and we kicked him out, he left calling my mum a dog and saying he will burn our house down, I've been at my aunties for a week and a half as he keeps trying to contact me and my families worried, it's stupid but I miss him intensely and the people he lives with attend my school so I'm constantly reminded of him , I've been dreaming about him, I know I can't go back to the relationship, how do I deal with this and deal with going home and being alone?

"It's stupid..."

Yeah you pretty much summed that up well. Instead of learning from this experience and understanding yourself as to why you would allow yourself to be treated this way, you would rather put yourself back into that horrid situation? Doesn't make sense to me, but I would never want the person that I love treating me the way he treats you. That isn't love, it's not a relationship, he has serious mental problems, and you need to drop him right away.

Also I would encourage you to get counseling to discover what it is about you that you would want a relationship filled with so much drama and abuse.

Hi.. I completely understand.. maybe to people in normal relationships we come across as stupid because I am in a situation similar to yours.. and sometimes I wonder what the hell?? It is a complete disaster... when it was good it is good but when it is crazy it was out of control.. especially when was is angry and went crazy. Like your Bf the man I love also is abusive and has mental issues.. but thing is I read a book ' Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft It is about abusive men and how they control women. I was living with my boyfriend and we had good times a lot of them.. physically it was great.. but I moved out a week ago and I am living with a friend now and looking for a full time position and ways to better myself. You are lucky that you have family to support you. I know you will miss him.. it is not about the drama or being stupid.. you summed it up "I fell deeply for him giving him everything I had to offer in love. He was my first love and my first time"... I am same too.. I gave him everything and more I did more I got involved and became his.. emotionally he knows the right buttons to push.. say the right things... I miss him too (atleast the good times) but am sane enough to know that I need to get away... before it is too late.. I had been reaching out to friends and people.. and reading this book and being with a friend who supports me has helped... listen to your family focus on yourself.. and getting stronger ,if we make it about them we won't win.. noone can help us unless we help ourselves.,. when you miss him rem the bad times and find strength.. good luck.. I hope you find happiness