My husband and I have been together for 19 years. Generally we have a fantastic relationship. But over the years I have caught him in lies about how he enjoys to pleasure himself. We have always had a very healthy sex life and have pushed the boundaries of what I would think most couples do. He's gotten me more and more comfortable trying new things.
It hasn't always been easy for me to accept everything but on general I do enjoy it all.
However he continues to purchase more outlandish toys and stimulators and hides them from me for his own personal use.
I have no problem with him masturbating and know it's completely natural. However I do have a huge problem with him lying to me and yes there Is a part of me that feels like isn't what we do enough?
The other day he bought me a collar and leash which I found to be extremely arousing and when I asked him if he bought anything else, he said no. Then while I was cleaning up today, I was going to break down the box it came in I saw the receipt. And again he lied . He had purchased a pretty expensive electro stimulus "toy"
I just don't know what to think anymore and am really looking my trust in him. I feel like he has this separate sexual life from me.

I happen to believe that couples should have secrets from each other, or at least the option to do so. What kind is a deep subject, but I think that sex toys for masturbation are one of them. It's harmless. It doesn't endanger you with possible diseases. You still have a sex life together.
It's a wonder that two people can even have an exclusive sex life for 19 years, IMO.
Not only that, but as men age and lose testosterone, they either have a harder time getting and staying aroused or they worry about it, more than women can imagine. He may actually need all this to keep his sex life with you the way he wants and you expect.
He doesn't even need to be forgiven for hiding any of it. He didn't do a good job anyway, except by avoiding talking about it when confronted; he 'let' you find things.
And I see no issues with trust at all. He just isn't one to talk about all this. Let it reveal itself as gradually as you can tolerate, in roundabout ways. When you aren't having sex, ask little questions over several months, about how he feels his sex drive is changing. Think about this for yourself too (dryness? less desire? fewer or weaker orgasms?) so that he isn't the only one talking.

I agree with Joy on all points.

What I have to add is that there's always going to be a kinkier partner in a relationship. There will be one that is looking for something different or something more and another who isn't. It usually comes to a point where either the partner hides their kink, or tries to explore it. A lot of people will realize that their partner isn't interested in sticking a carrot up their bum, for example, and won't ask. There are others who will try the carrot on themselves or watch porn of someone putting a carrot up their bums. Is it cheating? I don't think so.

I understand your stance on him lying because he is. Though think of your reaction when he pulled out that electro-shock equipment, would you have been into it? Would you have shot him down? I think he's afraid of bring up new experiences with you because of that. Especially when you give off the impression that you indulging him out and would rather just lay on your back and think of England. If he thinks that you're not into it, he might not think it's safe to share these things with you. It came to me while I was explaining this, he might be scared that you'll make fun of him for what he wants to play with. Just a thought.

He shouldn't need to lie, but I think he is doing it because he's afraid you might reject what he wants to do.

As well, on the level of things to be lied to about this rates at about, "No you don't look fat in that dress honey." So long as he's just using it on himself and isn't using it on someone else than you're fine.

Maybe he's just trying new things to see if he even likes them himself before trying them with you to see if you do too?

I do agree couples should be able to have some secrets from each other as long as those secrets do not majorly affect the other person. Bad finances, major purchases, planning a vacation alone, those types of things should not be hidden.

However, I do believe couples should be able to be open with each other about sex and fantasies in general. Not necessarily the small details especially when it is about masturbation. In some cases it is a safety issue. If he is starting to get into the more extreme kinks for masturbation, then you should know for his safety if nothing else.

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss getting a place for him to put his toys so you aren't stumbling across them, practicing safe sex, talking with you if there is something he wants to try with you, being more open about what you want to try together, etc. Perhaps make an agreement that you won't ask if you find a new 'toy' so he won't have to 'lie' either verbally or by refusing to talk. But that new toy may end up in the trash if he hasn't put it away in the agreed upon place(s).

I agree with Cat.

I do agree that couples should be allowed to have some secrets. Here's where I differ slightly from the others opinions.

This is obviously causing you stress. You're obviously upset about this. If you weren't, then no big deal. But you are. Since you're so upset about this, you do need to talk to him, and you need to make sure he understands that the kind of secrets he's keeping, that you know about (because he sucks at keeping secrets) are causing you distress, and making you question your relationship with him.

Secrets are okay, to an extent. But if those secrets are causing issues in the marriage, it stops being okay, in my opinion.

First off let me thank you all for taking the time to answer me. This is not something I have ever felt comfortable talking to any of my friends with because it's a very private subject. And yes, it has been causing me stress.

One thing that I did not mention yesterday, (I found this site while at work and just needed to get some of it off my chest) was that my husband has been suffering for many years pretty terrible bouts of Epididimitis and Orchitis. He has had surgery twice to remove the strictures that seem to be a part of his flare ups. So besides the feeling of him lying and or keeping things from me I am extremely worried that he is doing further damage to himself. Especially now that he has gotten into the electro stimulus. The last thing I want is for him to do something that could endanger us from enjoying one another anymore.

I'm not going to lie, I haven't been super into everything at first. I guess you could say years ago I was quite Vanilla. So yes, there is a kinkier side to each couple. But I have/we have grown together and broken through a lot of boundaries in the bedroom. Part of it is in my own mind for sure of what's "right or wrong" and getting over that it's about what feels good. But my fear of him hurting himself because he has this underlying chronic problem always looms and it hurts all the years later for him to keep/ lie to me about things.

I am not sure if when I answered everyone that posted comments will see it. Being new to this board, I'm not sure how this works. I wanted to address everyone responses. Is that the correct way?

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Originally Posted by Danira75

I am not sure if when I answered everyone that posted comments will see it. Being new to this board, I'm not sure how this works. I wanted to address everyone responses. Is that the correct way?

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It appears you've been responding in the correct manner. I think a great many people start out being quite "vanilla" but open up as their marriage and their relationship together grow over the years. And yes...most people consider it quite private and few would discuss it with their personal friends. ( I wouldn't either) The online anonymity ( which is actually fairly relative but not absolute) gives a way to voice something that might otherwise be very embarassing.

I had to look those two conditions up to even know what they were... so I don't know how these would be affected or if there are risks... I'll leave that to someone else. But your fear of possible injury with them isn't unreasonable to have from what I was able to understand about them. Unless a medical professional can and has said otherwise.

I have found that patience brings understanding and allows for sympathy and empathy of partners and pushing for answers just brings unnecessary stress and misunderstanding as we assume, presume, and wonder what the hell is going on with our partners, and ourselves. Concern cannot always be acted upon immediately, and you cannot expect them to be ready to inform, and reassure you immediately. Just as you have evolved over the years, so shall your partner, maybe not at the same pace.

You can express yourself without pushing (or CONFRONTING), but EVERYBODY is entitled to a certain amount of PRIVACY. Maybe not secrecy, that leads to the misunderstandings, fueled by natural curiosity, but privacy that more will be revealed later as they evolve to the point they can express their own thoughts. Isn't that part of the dance that couples engage in? Maybe balance your fears and concerns with patience and push gently with confidence because its NOT about you but him.

I mean from what you have written he has always shared with you, and likely will again, so be a bit more patient and not impulsive because of YOUR fears and concerns. It's really NOT what you do about finding stuff that shocks or hurts (or surprised) you, but HOW YOU handle it.

The electric stimulus is not really that high of voltage, and it brings disconfort more than actual high electric shock and is more nerve issue, than anything else. It is similar what is used in some massage or in nerve conduction studies.

His doctor could be consulted of course but the real issue is, he in his masturbation and sexual self pleasure, should be left alone, to enjoy. You are pushing you way into his private area. Since it is not hurting your joint fun, you need to stop prying and stop searching, just let him alone. Sometimes, he may even do more, because you tell him he should not. Men can masturbate one or two times a day and still preform with their partner with no problem, ( for many men)

And really there are no boundaries, and you will be surprised at the couples who do things that you believe push the limits.