Ask Me Help Desk - Met the ONE at 63

Met a wonderful Jewish widower. He is 63, I am almost 65. His wife died and after I ended up in the hospital as a result of stress due some of his issues, he told my son he really cared about me a lot and was terrified that I was going to either die or end up in the mental hospital due to his issues. It has been over three months and he has not yet contacted me. I am so sad. We were so good together, the best of friends well actually more than that but never got a chance to really get into it. Tried counseling but the counselor said he was a paranoid Schizo.. He is not! I am a counselor and know that trauma and DID can present that way. He is totally isolated and even stopped going to Shabbat which he loved so much. I wonder how to get him to get over the misguided fear that his contact with me will KILL ME>... my son loves him and he is a dear man better to Sam than his own father. I am in deep grief, we both are and week after week no word from him. I told him I wouldn't contact him but could not wait forever as I am at a crossroads in my life and am thinking of moving out of state but that I still cared a lot for him too... This waiting is so painful. What do I do now?

You met a widower and his wife died? Confusing way to put it. Did you meet him before his wife died, maybe? I just mention that disparity in case it has something to do with his issues. In other words, you told us he was a widower, why did you feel it necessary to add that his wife died?
I think you are right that the loss of a spouse could cause the spouse left behind to show symptoms similar to a person with mental deficiency and that the counselor you consulted was out of line in diagnosing another person as you indicate was done.
The only suggestion I can offer is for you to discuss this situation with your physician, and solicit his/her opinion as to the most likely cause of your hospitalization, or was it more likely to have been based on medical problems. Does your Dr. believe that stress from any source is a threat to your health?

He has uncalled for fear of your death, does sound paranoid to me ? At least for this issue. But also, for 3 months it appears you have not contacted him either.

Sounds a bit paranoid on his end. Why have you not contacted him?

I don't know how long you carried on with this fellow, but at some point, and soon, you have to accept the fun is over, and plan how you will deal with your future which seems to require some choice to let go of the past, and make some changes.

Whatever his issue, or YOURS for that matter, you cannot help each other, so help yourself be better.

I love him. I am not going to stop loving him just because he is afraid.. the longer it goes on the more I cry. I believe he is God's choice for me. And I have contacted him tons of times but he doesn't respond. My son says he was looking for me when he came to the store but I didn't go in because he told me that he would contact me when he was ready because he cared about me a lot. This is a Christian/Messianic relationship so the usual answers of leave him etc don't apply. I have essentially left him and told him that he would never hear from me again if he did not respond. That was two weeks ago but he hasn't responded to me since early February... I believe that the ball is in his court now... I am not going to be hovering or pleading though I am dying inside.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

He has uncalled for fear of your death, does sound paranoid to me ? At least for this issue. But also, for 3 months it appears you have not contacted him either.

Hi Yes read my answer above or this one which ever. I contacted him many many times with no response. And yes he is very paranoid. So many people he loved died very recently and he was afraid I was dead when he visited me in the hospital. He is not schizophrenic although one counselor thought he was. Rather he has severe DID which comes from Trauma and that takes time to diagnose. I have essentially left the ball in his court. I told him if he doesn't contact or respond to me soon I will be moving on but I will always love him. I did not want a relatonship at all. At my age phooey right? Well God has ways of us changing our plans. Rabbi says he will be back that he loves me and it may take time but he will eventually marry me so do many of the Messianic leaders in our congregation Messianics are Christian Jews in case you are wondering.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't know how long you carried on with this fellow, but at some point, and soon, you have to accept the fun is over, and plan how you will deal with your future which seems to require some choice to let go of the past, and make some changes.

Whatever his issue, or YOURS for that matter, you cannot help each other, so help yourself be better.

Its not MY issue. Its his. Many people he loved died kind of back to back and when he saw me in the hospital from a suspected heart attack he blamed himself and was terrified I would die. He had some severe issues with a situation he was in and it did stress me out because I care so much for him.Well he is terrified now that I will die if he has any contact with him. He obviously has tons of guilt and is a bit delusional because in some way he blames himself for his wife's death. I love him and if he comes back I will go right back to me. He was very good to me, kind generous my son loves him all at Shabbat love him so telling me to move on is not very helpful in some ways I have. I told him in a n email that I have to go on with my life and if he doesn't respond soon. I amy be gone and that I would not be contacting him again. The balls is in his court. He is wonderful person, man, companion,was a great husband and father and my son also misses him a lot. His fear is keeping him stuck... he has not yet processed through the loss of his wife. Blaming himself, maybe not even accepting it. He has so much potential and at my age or any age, this kind of man is very hard to come by. He hates pornagraphy and treats woman like they are worthy of respect. He is the genuine article. Sad that his fear is keeping him in so much bondage. He loved Shabbat but left there the same day he saw me in the hospital. Doesn't want to hurt them either...

Unless he his getting help for himself, I would not count on him being emotionally healthy enough for a relationship, let alone marriage.
I think you should be about getting on with your life. I can't see where it would do any good for you to be waiting around for him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smearcase

You met a widower and his wife died? Confusing way to put it. Did you meet him before his wife died, maybe? I just mention that disparity in case it has something to do with his issues. In other words, you told us he was a widower, why did you feel it necessary to add that his wife died?
I think you are right that the loss of a spouse could cause the spouse left behind to show symptoms similar to a person with mental deficiency and that the counselor you consulted was out of line in diagnosing another person as you indicate was done.
The only suggestion I can offer is for you to discuss this situation with your physician, and solicit his/her opinion as to the most likely cause of your hospitalization, or was it more likely to have been based on medical problems. Does your Dr. believe that stress from any source is a threat to your health?

No it is not a threat to my health. I have a neurologicdal dysorder called dystonia and had had the flu. It complicated matters and it can mimic heart attacks. But Michael is so afraid he caused it that he is not talking to me at all and doesn't respond to my emails so I have stopped contacting him. My son say him at his store and said he looked eageraly around him for me but I told him in the last email I WOULD NOT BE GOING TO HIS STORE and to stop looking or me. I told him, you said you would contact me by email or phone when you were ready but if I have choices to make and if he didn't respond to the eamil soon, not to expect he would ever see or hear me again. But I am still so sad and so desperately in th elove with him. Other than this fear, he is the kindest, gentlest funniest, loviing many I have ever known. Once in a lifetime if a woman is lucky she MIGHT find a man like that... I never intended to find anyone and didn't want to. He was the brightest thing in my life.I have chronic pain and can no longer work and its not like I am in my 20 's or 30's. So thought I put the ball in his court. If he doesn't respond soon. I will just live my life without him always sad because he is not in it. I have no life anymore without him. I 65 for crying out loud so don't tell me how much I have to live for. Love does make the world go round. I am just sad that he is letting fear keep us apart and prefers his loneliness and isolation and fear to me..

Can you write to him?
Here's an argument he might appreciate: How does he know that avoiding you won't kill you? It's an ancient argument in many forms. You take the bus instead of a plane and crash over a cliff. Oedipus took off to avoid killing his father per prophesy, and ended up killing him on the road. And you don't even have to die of grief; you could die crossing a crowded street, and if he had been with you, he would have grabbed your arm. Now I for one don't believe in Fate, because there are so many little possible fates that there can't be just one. What if your heart stopped and he was there to call an ambulance, vs being alone and dying?
(So in a sense we all are responsible for the life or death of everyone. There's infinite combinations of actions and reactions as we interact.)

One careful letter. Then give up.

It could be years before he is ready for a healthy relationship, and can overcome his fears, or whatever. I would hope you see that and live your own life in good and healthy ways until that happens. You don't have to force things, or wait for his healing, or even be stuck so much on your own wants. No matter what your elder have predicted in this world.

It's not up to them either. You know that. While you hope for the best, you have to plan for the worst in light of his actions so far. Don't use your faith as an excuse not to live the life you were given. You or your son. Just as this fellow must heal to be healthy, so must you also (and your son). You may not know what the bigger plan is, but unless you walk the path, you can never find out. Being stuck is NOT a good option, and its your will, NOT HIS.

Get healthy, and do better.