Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

I've been dating my bf for almost 5 years now. We've had our problems like every relationship, but I feel like now that we are building more years together the worst things are getting. I know that communication within a relationship is the best way to understand each other and make things better,but my bf hates talking. He doesn't like to talk about our relationship. Yes! I'm the type of person if you're doing me wrong I'm let you know how I feel, and if I'm making you feel some type of way, let me know. But he hates it. Every time I try to talk to him about something he gets angry and makes it an argument. I'm getting very annoyed with it!! There are times that we will plan something together and he'll just make plan on top of it and tell me he “needs to chill with him friends too.” I see him on Saturdays for about 4-5 hours and SOMETIMES on the weekdays after he gets off work. I give him all the time/space in the world to do whatever he wants, and when the time comes and he wants to see me I have to be available. I'm basically only there when he has nothing else going on in his life. That's how I feel anyways.

Whenever we do get into a fight, even if he is wrong he'll stay away from me and will not come to me to apologize. I have to go to him and ask for his forgiveness and at the end it's whenever HE wants to then he'll start talking to me again. I feel like I'm dating a baby. He tells me all the time that he loves me very much and cares about me a lot, but NEVER puts in any action. He says he's not a very romantic guy and I get that but I don't need chocolate and flowers to feel loved. I don't feel anything from him and when I tell him this he gets offended.

My bf had broken so many promises to me, made me cry a lot before, and at the end of it I still feel like he is the only guy for me. I know that I deserve better, but I can't stay away from him. I try my hardest to make him want me and love me. I do whatever he says whenever he says, even if I don't want to. But at the end he just lies. I feel like I'm trapped. We've been planning on getting engaged and moving out but he keeps holding back every time. I told him I would like to be engaged first before we move in and he told me he would at first, but he has changed his mind.

I feel like I do too much for him, and he does nothing for me when it comes to love. I sit at home all day long while he is out partying and living it up. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friend, and I feel uncomfortable when I'm out with them and not my bf. I know everyone will say to me if you're not happy just leave him, trust me I've told him that as well but he doesn't even care. He tells me to do what makes me happy. He's a very nice guy when he wants to be and knows what to say to make me melt, but at the same time I would choose love over sex and his words any day. How do I get him to show me love and affection? And how do I stop myself from being all about him, and make him be about me? Ugh.

From what you have described, it sounds like this guy may be emotionally abusive, or at the very least incredibly manipulative, and obviously it is wearing on your self-esteem.

I think the first thing you need to do is start being selfish. Find something that interests you and makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe it is going back to school, getting a hobby, working out, or all of the above. Spend time on yourself each day; do something nice and selfish for yourself every single day.

This will serve two purposes. First, it will help you build your self-esteem back up, which you will need if you really want him to start showing you love and affection. Men are attracted to women who love themselves.

And second, and more importantly, once you start feeling good about yourself again, it will help you accurately assess whether you even want to be with this guy. I know you said you feel like he is the only one for you, but do you think that his manipulation has caused you to think that? You also said you know you deserve better. Maybe once you start feeling good about yourself, you will have the confidence to find better.

It sounds like you are a very intelligent woman, from your writing. Now you just need to find a way to realize your intelligence and how important you are.

On a final note, empty threats will never work. If you threaten to leave him but never do, he won't take your threats seriously. Next time, don't say you are going to leave him, unless you truly mean it.

Maybe you can tell him you need space to clear your mind. But, if you tell him this, you need to actually be ready to stand by your words. If you ask for space and call him the next day, it will be equivalent to an empty threat.

@jjjstar. What were you trying to do with all the different font sizes, colours, etc. Could you not just type your post normally ?

I think by posting you finally realized that you have to take a good hard look at what you have in this relationship and from what you describe there isnt much of anything. You say that he never apologizes to you, but waits for you to come to him to make up. NO. Absolutely not be at his beck and call.

I dont think there is nothing much there for you if everything is on his terms, which it appears to be.

Thank you so much!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anoni Mouse

From what you have described, it sounds like this guy may be emotionally abusive, or at the very least incredibly manipulative, and obviously it is wearing on your self-esteem.

I think the first thing you need to do is start being selfish. Find something that interests you and makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe it is going back to school, getting a hobby, working out, or all of the above. Spend time on yourself each day; do something nice and selfish for yourself every single day.

This will serve two purposes. First, it will help you build your self-esteem back up, which you will need if you really want him to start showing you love and affection. Men are attracted to women who love themselves.

And second, and more importantly, once you start feeling good about yourself again, it will help you accurately assess whether you even want to be with this guy. I know you said you feel like he is the only one for you, but do you think that his manipulation has caused you to think that? You also said you know you deserve better. Maybe once you start feeling good about yourself, you will have the confidence to find better.

It sounds like you are a very intelligent woman, from your writing. Now you just need to find a way to realize your intelligence and how important you are.

On a final note, empty threats will never work. If you threaten to leave him but never do, he won't take your threats seriously. Next time, don't say you are going to leave him, unless you truly mean it.

Maybe you can tell him you need space to clear your mind. But, if you tell him this, you need to actually be ready to stand by your words. If you ask for space and call him the next day, it will be equivalent to an empty threat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

@jjjstar. What were you trying to do with all the different font sizes, colours, etc. Could you not just type your post normally ?

l
mao.. from where I post it,it looks fine! and your are? the front size police?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjjstar

l
mao.. from where I post it,it looks fine! and your are? the front size police?

We like this site to look organized and posts to be readable. I had reported it, and admin cleaned it up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjjstar

l
mao.. from where I post it,it looks fine! and your are? the front size police?

Seems a mod edited your post to make it more easy to read but...with an attitude like that, you're not likely to get much for useful answers when people see it.

Break up with him...neither of you need this.

Most relationships aren't full of drama and conflict like yours... relationships that are... are doomed to fail.

I didn't have that much in the entire 23 years I've been married PUS the time we dated before then.

Like others said...break up...it would be doing both of you a favor.

I don't have an attitude, I did know there were any issue with the way I posted it. The only thing I knew about was the caps. But I didn't add any colors or anything else so you know.

But thanks for your comment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

Seems a mod edited your post to make it more easy to read but...with an attitude like that, you're not likely to get much for useful answers when people see it.

Break up with him...neither of you need this.

Over the years you have trained him to not believe you are going anywhere and he can treat you anyway he wants. You should have dumped him years ago, and its not to late now. You can feel bad by yourself, and do something about it without him.

Reread your own words and imagine what you would tell someone in your situation. The real question is why you have allowed this treatment for 5 years knowing it leads to nowhere but you feeling bad. Tell him to k** Y** A$$,and make room for a life that you enjoy without him, with family, and friends and activities that make you happy so you can meet a real man.

Bad enough he treats you like a dog, but do you have to treat yourself like one? You deserve better so act like it and lose the BOZO.

You said all I need to hear in the last 2 sentences: How do I get him to show me love and affection? And how do I stop myself from being all about him, and make him be about me?

No one gets anyone do anything. No one makes anyone be anything. (Without holding a gun to their head of course.)
He clearly isn't about you and never will be. If you sit at home alone because you feel lost going out with your friends, then it's time to start really being without a man so that you can learn how to be alone without being lonely. Yes, it will be painful short term. Can you do that, or do you prefer chronic pain?

It takes most of us many years to realize a fundamental truth about relationships: you carefully express your wishes and needs, and make an attempt to get reciprocal communication, and eventual resolution and compromise through hard work on both parts. If it fails, you either accept the person as a package or you move on.

Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You said all I need to hear in the last 2 sentences: How do I get him to show me love and affection? And how do I stop myself from being all about him, and make him be about me?

No one gets anyone do anything. No one makes anyone be anything. (Without holding a gun to their head of course.)
He clearly isn't about you and never will be. If you sit at home alone because you feel lost going out with your friends, then it's time to start really being without a man so that you can learn how to be alone without being lonely. Yes, it will be painful short term. Can you do that, or do you prefer chronic pain?

It takes most of us many years to realize a fundamental truth about relationships: you carefully express your wishes and needs, and make an attempt to get reciprocal communication, and eventual resolution and compromise through hard work on both parts. If it fails, you either accept the person as a package or you move on.