My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months, aside from a brief breakup a few months ago. We have never had a lot of sex, and it has always been a contentious issue between us.

First, my boyfriend didn't want to have sex when we first got back together. He said he wanted to prove to me that our relationship meant more to him than sex.

Now, that we have moved past the initial hurdle, he never wants to have sex. The first time, he freaked out after because he thought the condom "leaked," and I'm not on birth control. I offered to start taking it, but I really am against it because of the health implications (I took it years ago and had myriad negative side effects). He said he didn't want to put me through that.

It is not an issue of arousal either. He is always physically aroused, and he is always in the mood to do other sexual activities, just not actually having sex. He is very christian, and I initially thought maybe he had guilt after having sex, but he swore that is not the case.

When I ask him about it, he gives me vague answers, like "I just didn't want to?" When we do have sex, he says it is "awesome," but we have only had sex twice since we have been back together, and the last time was about two weeks ago.

The only other thing that I think might possibly be relevant is that he never lasts very long. I don't know if this is a source of insecurity for him, but it doesn't bother me.

Any help would be appreciated. Obviously, this entire situation is making me feel very unattractive and unappealing, even though people usually make joking comments about how they are surprised he landed me. Maybe he just isn't that into me, but I look good on paper.

You've only been dating for six months and you had a breakup period during that time? You are barely starting a relationship, and barely really know each other yet.

He's clearly not as sure about this relationship as you are... he probibly also knows one or more people that had a pregnancy scare more than once.

He also probibly knows a comdom is only about 80% effective at best. The pill is in the high 90% range... but you had issues with that... don't know how many of the other options you have discussed with your doctor, but having problems with one doewsn't mean you will have problems with all.


Incidentally, we have several prominent members who used three forms of birth control, and still got pregnant. One more than once... she wasn't a naïve teenager.. she is a registered nurse. That's proof it does happen, and can't be discounted on mistakes.

Your boyfriend might be aware of this as well. How old are you both?

My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It isn't a problem of arousal; he is always in the mood to do other sexual activities, but he never wants to actually have sex.

We broke up briefly, and when we first got back together, he said it was because he wanted to show me that the relationship was more to him than just sex (I had made a comment about that when we initially broke up. He had said that he wasn't sure if he could see me as long term due to our different religious values, and my retort was along the lines of, "but its okay to have sex).

We finally had sex a few weeks ago, but have only had sex one other time since then, and that was about a week ago. The first time he was nervous because the condom broke, and I'm not taking birth control. I offered to start taking it, but he said he didn't want to put me through that (I had a number of negative side effects when I took birth control in the past).

I thought maybe the lack of sex was due to his christian values. I used to be very religious, and often felt guilty after sex. However, he informed me this was not the case.

The only other relevant fact, is that he never lasts very long, which doesn't bother me but may be a source of insecurity for him. I would really like to have more sex. Facing constant rejection has obviously left me feeling unattractive and undesirable, but, like I said, I believe he is attracted to me because he is often visibly aroused, and he is always interested in other forms of sexual closeness.

However, the lack of sex and the constant rejection is slowly making me resent him. I want to have a healthy sexual relationship with him, but I'm afraid the pendulum is swinging the other way. I certainly won't be initiating it, and I'm not sure how I will react when and if he does. As I previously stated, I'm not feeling very desirable.

First you two need to build a relationship -- without the sex.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

You've only been dating for six months and you had a breakup period during that time? You are barely starting a relationship, and barely really know each other yet.

He's clearly not as sure about this relationship as you are... he probibly also knows one or more people that had a pregnancy scare more than once.

He also probibly knows a comdom is only about 80% effective at best. The pill is in the high 90% range... but you had issues with that... don't know how many of the other options you have discussed with your doctor, but having problems with one doewsn't mean you will have problems with all.


Incidentally, we have several prominent members who used three forms of birth control, and still got pregnant. One more than once... she wasn't a naïve teenager.. she is a registered nurse. That's proof it does happen, and can't be discounted on mistakes.

Your boyfriend might be aware of this as well. How old are you both?

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I'm 31, and he is 24. Neither of us are looking to start a family any time soon. We are both in graduate school together, but he is a year behind me.

Our previous break up was due to a misunderstanding and a break down in communication. I mistook parts of what he was saying, and he acknowledges that his communication skills can sometimes be lacking (but I think our decision to get back together and subsequent discussion was healthy; he did not bear the brunt of the fault, and we both acknowledged things we needed to work on.).

OK, at your ages... its certain he's had friends that have had unexpected pregnancies... and being in grad school... I'm sure he sees how that will effect both of you should it happen. Guys see this differently because they are usually the ones who are going to be footing the bill the next 18-21 years if the relationship doesn't last.

Yeah there are guys who never give it a second thought... (and find themselves supporting several children) and then you have the others who get VERY concerned about it... I get the impresion from what you wrote he's the quiet responsible type.

The reason for the breakup seems reasonible and most likely unrelated to this.

Probibly has a high level of stress from the school related stuff... note that stress doesn't effect arrousal... but it does wreak havoc with the mind and the desire to have sex and all the responsibilities that are part of it... and that can be true from both genders perspective... and doesn't effect everyone equally.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

First you two need to build a relationship -- without the sex.

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Thank you for your quick response, but I'm not sure that is the issue. Perhaps my post did not adequately describe our relationship. We have been dating for six months now, and our relationship is very fulfilling and mature in other aspects.

We are both about to finish graduate school and are both future looking (ie: we often have conversations about our respective religious believes, values, child rearing, etc.). We spend a lot of time together, and our dating life is a mix of educationally and socially stimulating activities--museums, yoga, dinner and movies, double dates and group outings. We also provide guidance to each other in academic and career areas.

I don't think the problem is lack of a relationship; It is more a lack of a sexual relationship. He is very good to me, and he is a nice guy generally. I just can't shake the feeling that something is bother him in the sexual area.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

OK, at your ages... its certain he's had friends that have had unexpected pregnancies... and being in grad school... I'm sure he sees how that will effect both of you should it happen.

Yeah there are guys who never give it a second thought... (and find themselves supporting several children) and then you have the others who get VERY concerned about it...

The reason for the breakup seems reasonible and most likely unrelated to this.

Probibly has a high level of stress from the school related stuff... note that stress doesn't effect arrousal... but it does wreak havoc with the mind and the desire to have sex and all the responsibilities that are part of it... and that can be true from both genders perspective... and doesn't effect everyone equally.

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Thank you. This is helpful; he has actually had two friends recently who have had unexpected pregnancies. Maybe he really is just terrified that that could happen.

I'm equally terrified of birth control, and after explaining to him my negative experience and how much it scares me, I think he might feel bad if I start taking it :/ I even offered to get on it, but like I said, he said he really didn't want me to.

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Originally Posted by Anoni Mouse

but like I said, he said he really didn't want me to.

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So what do you think is the alternative if you don't want to get pregnant right now ? Why don't you visit your doctor and find out what can be offered to make this more comfortable for you and he?

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Originally Posted by tickle

So what do you think is the alternative if you don't want to get pregnant right now ? Why don't you visit your doctor and find out what can be offered to make this more comfortable for you and he?

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I will do that. Thank you. These answers have been very helpful. Realizing that it might be a fear of pregnancy and not "me" is not only helpful because it makes me feel less undesirable, but it also seems like a problem with solutions.

Man you have a lot of baggage from the past to unpack. I hope your doctor gives you options you are comfortable with going forward.