Hi guys.
I've spent the past few days reading some of your similar situations, well mine is still pretty unique. This is my story.

I've been going out with this girl for 7 years, since I was sixteen, and both of us got crazy attached from the start. I was popular wit girls, like a lot, and had a lot of friends. After a year or two, I had pretty much dropped everythig besides her, same on her side, but she didn't have much. I was an in the beginnings, to be honest, this one girl(which also had a boyfriend) was crazy for me and we both cheated together many times until the point she was ready to leave her boyfriend for me, but I didn't want to leave my girl. I immediately stopped with her. She got pissed, jealous, and the b*tch told my girl. I'll put names to this, my girl, the one and only is >Name removed for privacy<. When the girl told my girl, she went crazy waiting for me at te bus stop, in tears, as I got off the bus from school. She confronted me about it, me not wanting to lose her lied and said that the other girl is just trying to break us up to have me to herself. She ended up believing me, over the crazy b*tch. But EVER SINCE that day, only about 3 months in, the trust was gone. Now she would question everything, I had a lot of girls stare at me or wtv, and she would alwas get jealous and think negative scenarios bla bla...

Couple years in we move in together, and a nice place indoor pool and parking etc, and during that year I had many friends over, she didn't like my friends, I'm a white guy, kind of unconformist and hang with bad crowds and good ones, but in the city we were, my friends were majority black, and she didn't like them too much, like slummy ,etc because she wanted me to evolve out of that stuff.
(Now as we speak, most of those friends are in jail, real talk) So I did, I kind of cut contact, and it was me and her. At 18, lost most of my friends and I started becoming distant from her, lack of attention, etc. She broke up with me.

I started doing me, beach club, casinos, going out all the time. She didn't like that, she got jealous, and we got back together. Bad reasons... After that year, we decided not to continue, I moved to another place, my choice to be alone, and she went to her parents. Its been like this until now. I never wanted to make her a key, like that, but at this very moment I'd be glad to. We've been emotionnally dependent on each other, like addicts, the hole time. The sex is amazing when we fight, we go the extra mile when we feel hurt, all that unhealthy stuff. Anway its been maybe 3 years I've been loyal to her, and I'm trying to include her but its like everything is fubar now(****ed up beyond all recognition). We both would have to drop the past in order to start fresh, but she doesn't seem capable. Every time we fight she brings up old like its recent. Anyway, all to come to this past month. Hardest times of my life! She broke up with me like a month ago, we've seen one another every week since, have love, hate, sex, crazy, then she bounces. At some point, she told me to stop texting her, like two weeks ago. I honored that.

I finally started thinking about me, finally opened a Facebook! I've never had one until 2 weeks ago. (During our relationship, she had one to start, and deleted it without me asking, and I think she did that for me never to have a reason to have one) Anyway I get Facebook, girls add me bla bla and she goes crazy, again, and drunk texts me and calls and comes over at 3 in the morning reaall jealous! We, I sleep. She creeps into my phone and sees everything, throws my phone on me wakes me the up! Like damnnn! I grab her, tell her to leave she getss hystericallll! I make her leave. Its been two weeks from that, I took her out for supper since, paid, we had sex a couple times, text, all until my breaking point. I feel like I can't live without her, but with her is no longer an option, she doesn't trust me and doesn't want to put the effort anymore unless she feels jealous or uncontent. Emotional dependency. So last night, I wrote this letter, I want you guys to tell me what you think, if I should send this to her and finalize it.

Here it is:

Look I know things are tough for you, I know you have big decisions to make regarding your life, and I understand that. You and me have been living in emotional dependence on one another, which means 'you' control my happiness, and 'I' control yours. This doesn't work, we did it. I lost myself, just trying to please you or just thinking about you, not knowing who I am anymore... Lost... I think it's the same for you.. Lost...

Damn I wish I knew 'Love', actually. I wish I could have applied that real love in our relationship. Instead I became emotionally dependent and lost myself in the process, not having a clue who I am anymore. I think it's the same for u... I just want you to know that I've been reading stuff, and I know we can't get back together, not right now At least, we need to find each other first. Jetais dependent affectif, and you were my drug... In front of you, I acted like I didn't care, but if ever I said something that was too much where I was afraid to lose you, id care extremely.. Because I'm afraid to lose my emotional security which is you... This is bad! And its loving the wrong way! I know its wrong, and in an argument when you are angry, that doesn't belong to me, because YOU control your own feelings, not the opposite. There was a lot of bad love, but goddamn it you are the best thing that has happened in my life and I know what I did wrong, what Im doing wrong. I wish you nothing but happiness, I hope you reach your newlyfound goals, whenever you find them! Because that's what love is! Love is the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, and this is what I am trying to feel for you
❤️
That there is a real heart, not a twisted manipulative technique to get you back, just a heart, love, me saying that I care for you and hope you succeed in everything you touch!
I love you ��

I am what I chose to be today, the past is gone, forgiven, and dead. The future is alive, and I will prosper alone, independent, as I wish the same for you
❤️
Honestly tu es surement 'the one' for me, 7 yrs together... C pas rien! When I will have found myself, you are the one Id want to impress, and spend the rest of my days with... Until then...
-You are my weakness, my perfect imperfection-

Do I send?
I do want her back, but am not ready for her, I'm lost. What do I do?

This relationship is dysfunctional and should end. End it and be done with it,
It does not sound as though she would get or appreciate what you're saying anyway, so break it off and stay away from her.

You write well but BURN IT! Or delete it, but don't send it.

Thx a lot for the advice!
Talaniman I appreciate you writing summ, I've read many of your contributions on various occasions in these past days. You seem wise.
The thing with all the over situations I've read on this site, the guys are always chasing and the girl really just doesn't want anymore, but I'm positive that my girl still wants... Its like I could get her back but I know it will lead nowhere, fast. After sex, fall back-same patterns. I'm just asking thouhh if we do take some time apart, is it possible to fix ourselves separately, then get back together on a later date? And will it be healthy? Can I look forward to that? And use it as a motivation source? Or will I be, in a way, working up to a disappointment in the longrun?

And homegirl, I seem to be, uncapable of doing such. I suddenly feel incompentent, worst part is this summer I am starting a roof company, Im 23, I just signed my first job a week ago, got to start it tomorrow and I got nooo motivation whatsoever to do it! Hired 2 guys for tomorrow, feeling like 'how the do I got this overhead its just over my head I can not deal wth this right now arghhh'
I can't find any way to build up some strength!

Do yourself a huge favor, for your own peace of mind, and self respect... get away from her now... you are sticking around because she is the easy, the familiar... also the worst reason to stick around a relationship that has this much drama and disfunction is because "you have time invested". WHen what is really the case... is "its time wasted"

Yeah its going to hurt for a little while... but before long you are going t be thinking, "why did it take me so long to get my butt out of there". Yeah... I think most of us have been through one of those... and learned our lessons the hard way too.

I've been married 23 years... while every marriage has its ups and downs... I'll bet I've had less drama over those entire 23 years than you have had in just the last 7.

Stop having sex period, talk instead. While time apart to think and sort yourself out would help, you have to recognize the insanity of doing things the same way over and over and getting the same results. That's the thinking of junkies chasing a fix, as you yourself wrote. She is out of control for her fix, and that makes you at best an enabler, and at worst her fix supplier. Same dynamic.

Leave her alone until she helps herself, so you won't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. 7 years is just too much insanity. You have suffered enough, and your way has no end in sight. Neither of you is solving a problem, but creating even more problems. Sorry you cannot help her through her withdrawals and should block all access to you from her.

I am not that wise, but am experienced despite you thinking your situation is so unique, its NOT. It is unhealthy and will remain so until a proper healing is done and you both are healthy. That can take years and you haven't even started down a healthy path yet. On further examination, stop having sex, and stop talking because it's just noise with no understanding. You have proved that no matter what you have done it has not worked. You cannot resolve your issues, let alone live together, or work together for the benefit of you both.

The handwriting has been on the wall a longggggggggggg time and no longer can be ignored.

Sorry.

You sound pretty miserable and going back to that is bad. Unless she changes, no matter how long you stay away, you will get more of the same.
You have a business to run, get to it. The fact she seems to be more important than that is a sign of dysfunction.
You are too young to have so much drama in your life.
Tell yourself you deserve peace and happiness, get to the business of having it. As far as the first girl is concerned, you brought that on yourself and you paid the price. So stop calling her a b*tch and own what you did.

Homegirl let me just clear one thing up. That first girl, she was a b*tch, and I was also, well an as*****. We were both. Anybody who cheats is. I realised that hense me stopping! I haven't done that in forever nor do I think about it even if many opportunities present themselves. But I had to go threw it to understand I guess...
Let me also say you guys on here help me a lot man! I appreciate the talk, I mean I swear my friends now are scarse... And the ones I have close to me are in the same boat, and this crap ain't the titanic man.
And you know hanging with the cool unconformist kids at school isnfine, but later in life those bad asses actually go nowhere and that's another bad choice I made.
I now find myself in a dark space, with people whose ambitions have died, they've settled for minimum, I don't want to be like them but yo its hard when your entourage does nothing. Brilliant conversations are little to none amongst bad asses in early 20's lol. Anyway Like I said I enjoy talking with you folks, wherever you may be, y'all helping me tremendously in a bad moment!
Ok Im afraid to say this... But I sent it being the emotionally dependent personthat I am... I sent her the letter, just before... She wrote back some 'ur so good wit words, I love you too but admit your like a drug and we hve to stop but its hard'...
She is going on vaca with her mom in a week, so I then texted her ' Id like to see you before you leave'...
She wrote back ' but you just said it was a bad idea'
I wrote 'i know but f it I want to'
She then told me when I could reach her before she leaves... I know its bad guys...
Its like at the bottom Im still holding on to that little string of faith while I know I shouldn't see her!! Im telling you guys now I will do my best in not seeing her! I haven't answered since! Man! Vulnerability is a serial killa but when he comes for me I'll show resistance. You guys helping me to be stronger, I feel a bit better right now but there's mixed emotions I don't know what the heck Im talking about arghhh
And homegirl50 let me ask you, you got a similar story? What anout you smooth?
And I just read your last post talaniman, damn that's useful, I just couldn't hold back and sent it! But that's it! No more!

Oh... I got a couple... Back before 99% of the earths population even heard of the internet for the first time.

I didn't have people that could smack some sense into me at the time... so I learned having patience and perseverance in a relationship... only wasted time you will never get back. A relationship isn't a old broken down antique car... you don't find a derelict, drag it home and fix it up into something that wins a car show... a bad relationship is more like a turd... try all you want... you aren't ever going to polish it to a shine.

I commend you for recognizing the other mistakes... the ones where you are known by the company you keep... and the wrong friends will hold you back in life while the right ones will push you forward.

Girlfriends really aren't any different... and in fact have even more influence in that area... something few people ever consider.

I left a long marriage because it was harmful to my mental wellbeing. It was hard but I knew it was something I had to do. I have never looked back or regretted it. I have come to love myself too much and sometimes love is not enough.

I hope you don't meet up with her. She may be bad but you are not helping. You left her and gave for reason for dong so, now leave her alone and stay away. It is a real a**hole thing to do to not stay away.

I agree smoothy man! Just goddamn it sucks man I got to go threw like a loner process! Hardly talk to no one anymore and I feel lonely so lonely! I think the result of this will be Me closing off any emotional stimulation for a lonnnggg time. I can't take it. Seven years of my life its like I just got out of jail, but I also had a girl in there! Anyway Im on my phone writing this instead of writing her so that's good.
Thanks you

This was a dysfunctional relationship from the get-go. In a functional relationship neither partner would cheat. I'm not calling you out, just stating that no one would do that to their partner.

With that said, there is too much history between the two of you for this to work. It's great that you have admitted your past indiscretions, but I don't see her ever forgiving you or forgetting that this happened. It's time you move on and leave her alone entirely. No sex, no FB, no text. Total and complete no contact. Both of you need to heal from this so that your future relationships are not affected by this relationship.

Homegirl thanks for sharing that. I guess you are right that I should stay away, I have to. What if she contacts me though? I have a strong feeling if I do not contact her before she leaves, she will contact me saying 'wow I guess you don't care that much about me!' Or some crap like that which will flip the guilt switch in my brain, leaving my dependence unattended, therefor giving in and so forth... If she contacts me... Im helpless, I will try and get her back!

And homegirl so your doing you now? And feels good?
That's another thing, I hate to see myself as the guy she will refer to as 'the bad one' or wtv, the one she was happy to get over... F*** Im that bad? Like damn I swear I did crazy sweet things for her, send flowers and chocolate covered strawberries for her and all the girls that work with her, we went to old orchard beach, I had strangers lead her to the end of the pier where I got the bar and grill manager to shut down half and hour (cost me 250$ us) and was waiting with beautiful romantic supper on the side of the ocean, anyway I did stuff... but my emotional dependency takes over I guess...

Look, she can't contact you if you block her. Block her from your phone and everything else. Make it impossible for her to contact you. In the meantime, don't cave and contact her.

J-9! Thx ^^^^
good input, I hate it but know and recognize. But do you think time apart, we both get better separately, will it be possible for us to get back together? In the foreseeable futur or wtv? I mean she was a virgin, I was her first and her only and I'm a smart guy with vices, of course, but with many qualities and family oriented and just efficient, good. I hate this because I kind of lose all these things, or Im just sinking man!

She may not refer to you as the bad one, just the ex.
I don't refer to my ex as the bad one. We have a friendship now. He's happy and so am I. Don't let your ego get in the way of doing what's right.
Leave her alone. Block her form any form of contact. You contacted her after you broke it off, she may have left you alone.

Let me ask you why you would want to get back together with someone who has treated you so badly?

My ex cheated on me. I found out, he was history. Period. End of story.

You deserve better that what this relationship gave you, or could ever give you.

You are young. What you need to do is take this as a learning experience. Take what you liked and what you disliked and use that for what you seek in a future partner.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lost-in-emotion

J-9! Thx ^^^^
good input, I hate it but know and recognize. But do you think time apart, we both get better separately, will it be possible for us to get back together? In the foreseeable futur or wtv? I mean she was a virgin, I was her first and her only and I'm a smart guy with vices, of course, but with many qualities and family oriented and just efficient, good. I hate this because I kind of lose all these things, or Im just sinking man!

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You sound like someone who is afraid of his ego being bruised. Just because you were her first , it does not mean you are the best for her. Leave her alone.

All right Honest, there's noo way I'm blocking her! I just can't do it!! See I suck yo.
Its like I still leave the ball in her court, and if she dribbles my way, I'm there with open arms, once again letting her control my happiness,. Isn't it selfish to block her? Damn I don't know