Hi.. I am looking for some advice on what to do. My mother has recently found out my father is cheating with another women at his job. He admitted to it but says he is confused. He tells my mother he wants to work things out with her then the next day says he is thinking about leaving changing his mind. This woman is an illegal immigrant and my mother has called this woman and this woman denied she was with my father. My father continues to see her even though he says he wants to work things out with my mother. My mother is so sad I can't stand to see her like this and I know this is between them but what can she do about this? My dad has been very loving and our family was so happy or at least I thought we were. I never expected this from my father and he says he never thought he would ever do this either. What should my mother do? That woman told my dad she is pregnant but I think she is just using him so she can become a us citizen. I think my dad thinks he is in love and I feel as if I don't know him anymore I'm confused myself. Is he going through a faze in his life, mid life crisis. I don't want to get involved but I really want to be there for my mother and help her through this. Please help. Thanks

Honestly,

Whether she is pregnant or not. Your father admitted to the affair. He says he wants to work it out, yet he still sees her. I know this might be shocking, but I always think counseling is very important for the whole family.

If counseling does not work. Or even help work out the matters, the only thing to do if your mother does not want to be with this man is to divorce him.

As far as the women possibly being pregnant, also possibly seeing him just to get married so they can stay in the country. Guess what, there are many illegal immigrants, not saying all are bad. They will do anything to stay in the country.

Remember though that, your father was not forced to make these decisions. It is up to him what he does. He should realize how much he has effected the family but right now he is acting very selfish.

I do hope everything works out, no matter what. These experiances brings growth to everybody involved.

Joe

I'm sorry! That is so hard to be in that position! I really don't know what to tell you as far as how to handle the situation but just being there for your mom probably means the world to her! Also so you know no longer in the US can you marry a US citizen and become one yourself even if you are pregnant! The Child will be a US Citizen but the woman still has to apply for citizenship just like any other illegal! Jus that you should know! Good luck with everything!

I also think all of you should go to counseling. The only thing you can do for your mother is be there for her. In the end the ultimate decision is hers, and hers only. Give her your advise/opinion and be supportive. I would have a talk with you father to let him know how this is effecting you as well.

My father cheated on my mom when I was growing up. He died recently and I met my half brother (who I never knew existed) at his funeral... with that being said I really do know what I am talking about because I have been there.
I'm not sure how old you are (ie if you are still living with your parents), but the best thing for you to do is continue with your own life and be there for your mom. I know how consuming this can be to a child when this is their parent - but you must believe me that you CANNOT prevent this from happening. Your father is an adult and although he has been making some very poor decisions lately... he is still an adult and you cannot stop him from doing this. As for your mother... I know you want to be there for her. I remember it tearing me apart that my mom was hurting so badly... all you can do is be there. Tell her you love her and support whatever decision she is making. She will not leave until she is ready.
Its hard for me to really give concrete advise without know the whole situation (ie, your age, living conditions, other siblings, etc) so if you would like to expand I can tell you what helped me.
In the mean time - consider getting conseling. If not now- later. You will need it... seeing this happen with your parents really gets to you and I know how much it helped me.
Stay strong and stand behind your mom.

Do not ever stay in a relationship where the person you love batters you emotionally. This is sometimes worse then physical abuse because emotional negelect heals slower. He has taken your mother forgranted and probably is use to this treatment and it has become routine to him. Your mother is probably a possession to him, and not a person anymore. Another human should never treat another in this way.. To her to stand up to him an if he does and is not willing to accept responsibility and seek change and resolution then your mother should leave even if it is difficult, because the freedom will give her strength and courage.
When a man, sees his life flash right in front of him because he is on a verge of losing his family he will either get angry or come to his senses... An angry man is no man at all will lose all that he loves... If he comes to his senses then you now he has gotten lost, but through your mothers love he has found his way back to her heart. That is when you and your family will find love in each other again and turn all the bad into good. Good luck
Tell the other lady that she needs to leave that she is not helping in this situations. I believe she is not that big of an issue, Your father has the final choice, he has the power to unite the family.

Thank you for posting first off as we very seldom get to hear from the true vitims of infidelity, the children. Your mom has a decision to make and could use the support of a trusted friend or minister, if counseling is not an option, to get her through this rough period in her life, this goes for you also. Love her and stand behind her. Support each other.

If your dad would stop seeing her completely, today, ( makd a committment) and go to marriage counseling and admit his mistake, sorry confused is not admiting your mistake.

But it appears he will not change his ways, so your mom most likely needs to kick him to the curb, change the locks while he is gone to work and call and tell him not to bother coming home. Sounds tough, but your dad knew what he was doing.

This does not mean that you can not still love both of them, and feel sorry for both of them

Your mom needs the support of counseling, even if your dad won't go. You could use it too. It's devastating to watch your family fall apart and often the children get lost in the parental drama. Please know that we are thinking of you and only want the best, even if the best is hard to deal with right now.

Isn't it scary when we realize that our fathers aren't a gods? I know that your fathers infedility must have broken your heart as well as your mothers. What you need to do is confront your father. Let him know what you think of his actons. You also need to encourgage your mother to leave your father. If she stays with him then it is only going to hurt her in the end. I also agree that you do need to seek counseling.

I think your mother and father need to have a heart a heart, decide what their feelings between them really are and whether there is any forgiveness to be given or trust to be restored and what indeed your fathers intentions are, once they have aired their feelings they will know their own course of action. Is not wise to interfere, is only them that can resolve their problems, a marriage is between two people and is for better or worse so is up to them to decide, interfering can sometimes cause further problems. Just be there for your mother should she need you, don't take sides that is when things become ugly. I myself was married for thirty years, my husband had midlife crisis and lives with my foster daughter, I told my children that it was between him and I and that he was their father and their children's grandfather and to treat him as such, it makes life so much more easier with as less arguments going on as possible, my marriage was between us and yes it hurt but hey I contained that pain as much as possible. Take care, love and peace anne x