Hi, I'm 22 and I have really bad depression, anger, and self hate issues and I hate it. I used to be ambitious and passionate about things and now, well, I don't. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't what to do about it. I'm active and try to help people but someone turns out bad. I am also in a relationship with a Marine in the infantry (Semer Fi) whose Colombian and I'm white. So I feel out of place when I'm with his family or around his marine buddies. I feel like I am insignificant like my life has no meaning, I feel like I'm just another dumb housewife. Fyi I'm a tomboy and independent. I don't have many friends because guys just want to sleep with me and girls are jealous. It's so stupid why can't people just like me for me instead of judging me for the way I look.. It's so frustrating and lonely. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

You should be seeing a psychologist for this because it can successfully be treated with the right medications and counceling. You can't self treat.

It sounds like you need to make some changes.

You've pretty much identified the basic causes of why you feel lost, in a rut, and going nowhere. Medication won't help that.

I take it you live with your boyfriend, and you are a housewife. Why aren't you working outside the home- are there any children in this relationship?

Why did you choose to live the life you are living right now? Do you have regrets? If you weren't where you are right now, or if you have thought of another life, what would it be.

I don't think the fact that your boyfriend is Colombian, has anything to do with it. He could be white like you, and the situation would still be the same.

His life is not your life. It isn't up to him to make you feel good or secure, or confident. It is up to you, and you only.

You are lucky you are young enough to make some changes in your life, to help yourself. If it means maybe planning your own future, then plan your own future. What ambitions and dreams and goals did you have before you ended up where you are. Was college in your future?

Does fear have anything to do with why you accept things as they are?

Why do you stay.

Let's begin by separating the different problems. What sort of self respecting tomboy flinches in facing down Latinos and Marines? Your emotional suffering does sound chronic. Are you facing issues in the present or traumas in your past? For the latter, I agree with smoothly: your first responsibility is to find a psychotherapist that you will be happy with.

As well as the content of your post, I am drawing inference also from your writing style, even if you where bumbing out and typing in something of a hurry at the time: As for issues in the present, anyone remember 'The Feminine Mystique'? Being a homemaker, or some variant on that role or identity, is often inadequate for talented and capable women, feeling strangely lost as a result. Perhaps you need to broaden your activities but first of all, just your interests for greater intellectual stimulation and to begin educating yourself. There is nothing wrong with you brain, your intelligence.

And yes, let's look at your love life: If other women are so jealous of you, you must be hot! If you are attractive enough that men lust after you, why won't they come back for more? Are you really so disagreeable?

Could it be that you are isolated within a certain culture and mindset?

Could it be that you have been wasting your time where you are not appreciated? Are there adequately attractive and interesting men that for some reason, you do not pursue or accept? Ones who might actually need a woman, selfishly enough not to pass judgment on everything that excites them to begin with? Or are you just hung up on seeking the conformist approval of sexist neurotics, for validation according to values you actually disbelieve and disapprove of in the first place?

Social circles can either open up the world to their members, or else suffocate them, cliquishly. Are you subject to covert relational aggression, social bullying or cockblocking of any kind, limiting your social outreach?

I am outgoing and gregarious, but the social rat race has simply blown up in my face. Generally, the only friends I can make are with people who just can't get the telephone out of their ear. I need someone to be a big slut and just phone me! Is there likewise, no one on your radar, for whom you can make the first move? -Even though, as I gather, new relationships have been going sour when new friends of poor character disappoint you.

Again, in whatever good deeds or volunteer work that you allude to, have you been wasting time where you are just not appreciated? While I am generally ready to help others individually, I don't go out for volunteer work, because all that accrues are someone else's chores, not quality leads for social introduction. It can be important to set even ridiculously minimal conditions for your help, that only an utter flake would winge out of.

Forgive me if I am too far off the mark, but you don't give very much to go on. So anyone who responds must draw context from whatever their own general assumptions. Do let me know.

Jake2008:

Yes I do live with him, we have been dating 9 months and decided to take the next step, so I moved from a different state to southern California end of January. He is an awesome man, but the culture he was raised in is different then mine. No there are no children, we both are in no way rushing marriage or kids for sure, at all.. And I don't depend on him to make me feel better. I'm the only one who can make me happy, I just don't know what makes me happy anymore, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I can't do the sit at a desk for the rest of my life and be happy.

I've thought about college but I'm not very book savvy, put a wrench in my hand and I'm very hands on, I can mechanic, drive heavy equipment, bartend, train horses, do a lot things a man can do which is very intimidating to most people. I know I have to fight my thoughts a lot that I can do thing's because I'm a fast learner and I am sure I can do it. I guess from years of verbal abuse from my father and past relationships, I lost confidence in myself and am afraid to go out and try something. I know it's mental but I don't know how to get past it and I hate it, it's like a nagging wife telling her husband he's never going to be good enough and she doesn't even know why she married him, it's a constant war in my head, and I don't want my insecurities to ruin my current relationship. I want to try thing's but I'm scared too. As a kid there wasn't anything that got in my way and I always found a way to get things done, but as I got older if I didn't do something right the first time my dad always reminded I failed, I couldn't do anything right, I was a dumb , I should know how to do things already, and so on. I just want to know how to get myself over this 'telling myself I've failed before I even try' nonsense, it's driving me mad.

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AarronAgassi:

PART ONE:

I am not afraid of latino's or marines or anyone, I'm afraid of myself (and no I'm not great at correct grammar, but when I wrote that for some reason my keyboard kept freezing, my apologies.) I think you may have misunderstood what I meant by my referencing my boyfriends race and his being a marine, so I shall try to coordinate my thoughts in a more organized form. Let me start by saying the man I am with is very supportive and wants to do most anyything in his power to do what makes me happy, something I am not used to at all and I shall explain.

I was raised very old school, the man is the man of the house, works hard and expects to come home to a clean house, washed clothes and dinner on the table even if the wife worked a long hard day too. My dad is a real hard a** type, but he showed me how to do a lot of thing's on my own so I wouldn't have to depend on a man to do them for me. (the upside of it)

My boyfriends culture (not so much him) is very old school catholic Columbian type. The women leave the men to hard labor and they cook, clean and dote over their men and most have little shops in the front of their houses they tend to. A woman working on her own truck or doing hard labor (like myself) is unthinkable unless you are very poor, and most of his family in Columbia is considered upper class (he's first gen American). Although his family love me, I do not feel like I fit in because of our differences and they always tell me all the thing's I need to do be make a good wife (Columbian men don't bring a woman around to meet family unless it is his wife or someone that means something to that significance to them) so therefore I feel like a I am not up to their standards when that's really not the case, I just feel out of place whether it be when they talk girl talk or whatever they're doing. I'd rather be drinking a beer listening to guy talk (waay more interesting) but that's not how thing's work in his culture (so glad he personally is not like that) so therefore I feel very out of place. And this is how his marine background fit in.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It sounds like you need to make some changes.

You've pretty much identified the basic causes of why you feel lost, in a rut, and going nowhere. Medication won't help that.

I take it you live with your boyfriend, and you are a housewife. Why aren't you working outside the home- are there any children in this relationship?

Why did you choose to live the life you are living right now? Do you have regrets? If you weren't where you are right now, or if you have thought of another life, what would it be.

I don't think the fact that your boyfriend is Colombian, has anything to do with it. He could be white like you, and the situation would still be the same.

His life is not your life. It isn't up to him to make you feel good or secure, or confident. It is up to you, and you only.

You are lucky you are young enough to make some changes in your life, to help yourself. If it means maybe planning your own future, then plan your own future. What ambitions and dreams and goals did you have before you ended up where you are. Was college in your future?

Does fear have anything to do with why you accept things as they are?

Why do you stay.

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AarronAgassi:

PART TWO:

He is an infantry marine (first in, last out) he was enlisted four years and fought two tours over in Afghanistan and was recently honorably discharged. I've had the pleasure to meet a lot of his marine buddies and heard some pretty funny stories but when it comes down to what really happened out there the wives and gfs leave the room and leave them to talk (and I don't fit in their military 'wife' circle either). He's told me it's because they're either not ready to talk about it in front of their wives (which I respect) or their wives just don't want to know (I personally and respectfully want to know).
I have no problem hearing about my man or his friends talking about the people they've killed or the friends they've lost. But in the same instance I envy them because they did something meaningful, yet I don't fit in with them because they're worriers and I am... Well, just some girl..
I have nothing I can say I was apart of. I barrel raced, and I was good, but not good enough. I can basic mechanic, but I'm not a mechanic. I can run heavy equipment, but I'm great at it. I wanted to be in the military since I was 15, and fly choppers, but you had to have your GED and 15 credits of college. I passed everything but my math and writing first time, I'm horrible at math, but I eventually passed. But that is my GED, not college, I'll probably just fail, it's not like the GED where you can take a practice tests, until you get it right and do the real thing.
I'm sure you are picking up a pattern of the way my brain processes thing's. It truly drives me nuts. I feel almost like and insane person talking in my head like that. Like my dad in the back of my head telling me unbelievably damaging things to a child, it got to the point I almost blow my head off in front of him because I feel so low and worthless. Thank god I didn't I don't want to die, I'm not afraid of death if it happens it happens, but I don't want to take my own life.
I just want to do something I am proud of, something that means something, even if it only means something to me. I just don't know what I want in life and I don't know who I am. I feel like a mess, a girl that knows a little bit about a lot, but not great at any one thing. Not to mention most of the things I do know how to do are thing's men do. And who gives an okay looking girl a mans job, when they keep telling me I should be a model or something.. Heck no.. I don't want to be with those back stabbing B's in their nightmare girl eat girl world. Nooo thank you..

So what do I do? Men think they love a girl that does what I do, they think they do but they don't, because when I do something they don't know how to do, it makes them feel less of a man. And girls hate me because I know how to do what I do.. Is there no happy medium? Do I just need to try and be a girly girl ( mean I know have to dress up like one) but should I act like one? Heck no.. Because I don't conform to other peoples so called "standards" I feel like a black sheep..

So what can I do to improve and find genuine positive people that keep focused and help me want to be the same by them just being them? I get very easily depressed, so much to the point, I can't eat or sleep I get really bad anxiety and nightmares. I can't think clearly or my mind feels numb. I used to have a great memory and for the past three years its gotten horrible, I'll forget a conversion or have a hard time paying attention to one, like tunnel vision.
I don't take meds nor do I want to those thing's have more side effects then help.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long message. :/

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It sounds like you need to make some changes.

You've pretty much identified the basic causes of why you feel lost, in a rut, and going nowhere. Medication won't help that.

I take it you live with your boyfriend, and you are a housewife. Why aren't you working outside the home- are there any children in this relationship?

Why did you choose to live the life you are living right now? Do you have regrets? If you weren't where you are right now, or if you have thought of another life, what would it be.

I don't think the fact that your boyfriend is Colombian, has anything to do with it. He could be white like you, and the situation would still be the same.

His life is not your life. It isn't up to him to make you feel good or secure, or confident. It is up to you, and you only.

You are lucky you are young enough to make some changes in your life, to help yourself. If it means maybe planning your own future, then plan your own future. What ambitions and dreams and goals did you have before you ended up where you are. Was college in your future?

Does fear have anything to do with why you accept things as they are?

Why do you stay.

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I believe I would be depressed too if I had to suppress the real me and fit into what everyone thought I should be. You jumped into this situation rather fast though, WHY? What were you running from? What were you expecting?

Umm well we knew each other for a few months before we even started dating, and were in a relationship for almost 10 months before we got a sweet little pad. I don't believe I was running from anything. And I try not to have expectations, you know how the saying goes 'With great expectations come great disappointments' and I of all people should know I was my fathers. I just am tried of these mental blocks in my head and what I should do to help my depression besides medication? I'm tried of feeling lost and I just want to have a sense of purpose in my life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I believe I would be depressed too if I had to suppress the real me and fit into what everyone thought I should be. You jumped into this situation rather fast though, WHY? What were you running from? What were you expecting?

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Yehah! Gidiap, cowgirl! Well, you've demonstrated to me how much more eloquent you can be, once you've wrestled and roped that dagburn sticky keyboard to the ground, beggin' fer mercy! You really sound like someone on their way to affluence and success, even if it is blue collar. It seems to me that you should squeak in at entry level, and improve your skills just given the time and space. I can well understand hating school. Nor will violence ever be your trade. If you ever take a busman's holiday to Boston, I'll see if I can swing you any referrals! Your suffering is really all in your head, injuries to your self esteem from the past. I urge you to put all of that work ethic also into your psychotherapy, and I predict that you'll come out as right as rain! Then, my Amazon Princess, I'll be standing by in pleated skirt with pompoms, to cheer you on as you intimidate those Colombian caballeros!

Incidentally, entry level, say, as a photographer's model for clothing catalogue, really shouldn't be too melodramatic or stressful. It might even be at all fun and creative. Perhaps you can even transition into photography, eventually. The work might even be disappointingly tranquil, after all the ambition and backstabbing as depicted on all those cheesy TV shows. And you can bail out any time if it ever really gets at all nasty. I recommend some informational interviews for research, to see if there is any truth to your fears. Somehow, they do seem a little out of kilter. I only hope that here, my onboard bull sensor is accurate once again. It often is.

And I promise: I won't hate you because you are beautiful!

Indeed, as for those rugged prima donnas who so resent you for showing them up at their own work skills, well darlin' I know just what you need: You need a bum like me! A man with no morals or sexist scruples to offend. In short, someone who knows what he wants. Perhaps you might include me in your club of positive influence. Outreach and networking have been a tremendous frustration for me. But I am given to understand that even two people sharing connections are already the better situated thereby.

Actually, I'm quite envious of you -- your youth, your varied abilities, your tomboy-ness (I was one too). Seems like the world is your oyster, as they say.

Ask your partner's mom and other female relatives to teach you how to make some ethnic foods ("I'm very hands on," you said, so cooking should be a breeze for you). Empanadas would be a fun and delicious start -- and would help you bond. Learn Spanish.

Why do you think your skills are intimidating to people? Have they told you that? I would think you'd be a joy to have around. Or is that idea coming out of your own insecurities left over from your dad's rumblings to you?

I have a very pretty friend who is in her early 70s (and STILL is pretty). Her dad told her for years since she was a little girl that she was nobody and would never amount to anything. Guess what? She knocked herself out being a nobody and never amounted to anything, sabotaging herself every inch of the way, despite being a talented artist and needleworker, able to fix almost anything that was broken, and had a real connection to animals. Don't be like that. You've got so much going for you!

Losts soul, first of all , if all the warnings and encouragement such as you have recieved here on this forum simply are not enough, and you can recognize good advice but simply won't take it, then you must be crazy and what you need is a good shrink! Get the help you need for all of that dangeros and agonizingly obsesive self hatred. That's gotta be job one.

I can certainly relate to the quest for meaning, occupationally, and to lonliness for more serious people who can better relate. Important relationships remain the most meaningful thing that I have ever done. I laugh at those pathetic threatened Narcisistic boy friends of yours, putting their work identities of the jobs they probably just loath in the first place, ahead of pleasures shared with you. I am shallow enough to admit that I want impressive women gorgeous enough for fashion modeling, and selfish enough to make that my priority. And yet I am deep enough to be a true friend.

PS. It's not your keyboard, but this forum posting interface, that makes typing so difficult. Try copying and pasting from an application.

When there is a problem solutions often start with an honest talk with an unbiased third party like a doctor. He can guide you through the process of getting the right help and often we who suffer cannot see that.

You are an interesting and blunt sort of fellow, so I'll be blunt with you. Thank you for the compliments and for somewhat useful advise. But, I have someone and he is a wonderful man. I'm not asking for relationship advise. I am asking for help for myself. I'm not the type to run after anything that looks to be better then what I have. Usually isn't. I'm am trying to fix the holes in my life so I don't fall back into them later in life, and not ruin a wonderful relationship I've been blessed with. I want to come out of my protective shell and really shine. It's easy to say it in words on a message board on the internet but in reality it is difficult. Since I've been on this site writing out what's in my head and talking it over, instead of in just staying in my head over and over, it has already helped.. Things have become more and more clearer for me. And using my past as an excuse to not get through my fears, is flat out silly. I am not going to quit, I am stronger then that, and I am starting to realize it. Maybe I just needed to get my fears out of my head so I can see what I am dealing with. And you are wrong I do want to change my life and I will find I way 'where there's a will there is a way'.. I've never talked about my feelings to this extent with complete strangers or received "good" advise from them either until now, where no one can see my face or judge me, just assess my problems and only that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AaronAgassi

Losts soul, first of all , if all the warnings and encouragement such as you have recieved here on this forum simply are not enough, and you can recognize good advice but simply won't take it, then you must be crazy and what you need is a good shrink! Get the help you need for all of that dangeros and agonizingly obsesive self hatred. That's gotta be job one.

I can certainly relate to the quest for meaning, occupationally, and to lonliness for more serious people who can better relate. Important relationships remain the most meaningful thing that I have ever done. I laugh at those pathetic threatened Narcisistic boy friends of yours, putting their work identities of the jobs they probably just loath in the first place, ahead of pleasures shared with you. I am shallow enough to admit that I want impressive women gorgeous enough for fashion modeling, and selfish enough to make that my priority. And yet I am deep enough to be a true friend.

PS. It's not your keyboard, but this forum posting interface, that makes typing so difficult. Try copying and pasting from an application.

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You sound good when the juices are flowing. Perhaps some hobbies or personal enjoyments are helpful. A brief change in scenery or routine to look forward too??

Having your own thing to do helps.

Lol, why thank you, I do feel better. Maybe keeping my feelings locked up for so long wasn't healthy. I think I will try to find a hobby I like, maybe meet some new people that do things I like to do to. (smile) hmm now what should I do today? :)

Thank you for your advise I am definitely going to use it and see what happens. :))

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You sound good when the juices are flowing. Perhaps some hobbies or personal enjoyments are helpful. A brief change in scenery or routine to look forward too??

Having your own thing to do helps.

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Glad it's been therapeutic for you, lost soul. But seeing as how you struggle to break out from your shell, its difficult not to examine your relationships, the context in which self confidence has been such a challenge for you. I still think that its nice to be appreciated. And being resented for everything that your are justly proud of has surely been debilitating. I only wonder how, in coming out of your shell, you plan better to come with all of that bull. That must be an issue in the world you inhabit, beyond the inner subjective torment of poor self confidence and endless self recrimination.