Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. We have had some really bad fights where things got violent. I went to the cops and got a protection order against him and went to fetch my things. My mom came down to Durban to fetch me and brought me to Nambia. My boyfriend was at the airport begging and crying for me not to leave.

Now 2 weeks later he is going to church praying has stopped swearing he is going for help and really wants help. I believe that he really does love me, he just needs some help on his anger, and I want to be there to help him through it. Go with him to his meetings, but now my parents don't want me to go back, but I'm ready to go back and make things work. We lived together, he is 24 and I am 20. I don't know how to tell my parents I'm going back, and I don't know if I should go back. Please help. He really has seemed to want help, and change.

You need to give him longer than two weeks to start making changes that will last. Do not put yourself in danger because you hope he has changed.

Understand that two weeks is an extremely short time. He has not had time to prove that the changes he is making will last. That he won't fall back into old habits the moment he gets upset or you do/say something he doesn't like.

Understand that many violent men make promises and attempt to change when the target of their anger finally leaves. They get help, go to church, apologize, cry, etc. Some even mean it. They start out great doing nearly everything to regain the trust of their partner. The partner comes back believing everything will better. Sometimes it is, for a month or two. Until the partner says the wrong thing, doesn't like the right thing, talks to/smiles at the wrong person or stands up to the man and all the promises and changes fly out the window. Violence returns and generally it is worse.

It becomes a cycle of violence, repentance, violence. Break the cycle before it starts or gets to the point of putting you in a hospital or worse. Give him time to show that the changes are sticking with him. That the moment you are back his anger issues won't be. Give him several months at the very least. Give yourself time to get some therapy/support before making the decision to go back. Listen to your parents and logic instead of your heart.

The proof is in the pudding as they say.

I think your question deserves an honest answer, so like it or not, here it is.

Your parents don't want you to be with him, and they probably have very good reasons, as do the cops (who see guys like your boyfriend every single day), or the courts (who also see guys like this every single day). Likely your friends, and other family members don't want you to be with him.

All of this should be a huge red flag. Especially since you required a restraining order, but I note your conveniently left out the details-the nature of the violence toward you, which must have been significant for a judge to grant the order.

If you think you can change a violent man, go and visit a shelter for abused women, and ask their opinion, and maybe speak to a counselor about why your reasons for wanting to 'help' him, won't do a damn thing. Other than, you will learn that going back will only result in this cycle continuing.

Jealous, insecure, control issues with a man who has chosen NOT to learn, on his own, is nothing, I repeat, nothing YOU can change. He cries the blues now, and goes to church, and relents and apologizes until the cows come home, all the while you sit with binders on, and think he actually, sincerely, wants to change.

How little you think of yourself or your intelligence.

Abusers are controllers, and you are being manipulated and controlled, and you are allowing it to happen.

But he's a nice guy when he's not drunk, stoned, unemployed, or in one of his 'moods' you will probably say. You spend your time with him, doing everything you can to not 'cause' him to become angry or upset, even though you know that no matter what you do, he's going to flip, and you're the one that will take the blame, and the responsibility. And what's worse- you go back for more.

If you can't at least see common patterns in your boyfriend, that are the 'Abuser 101' clear as day, easy to understand characteristics of all abusers, then you are doomed to a life of servitude, a loss of self, zero confidence, and absolutely no control over your own life.

You are a total fool to even consider going back to him. Count your blessings that you are OUT, that you have support, that you are young, and you can make your own choices about who you want in your life that will NOT include abusers.

Hell NO, you shouldn't go back, he needs a year of helping himself, and your good intentions will only hinder this. Listen to what everyone here and your family is telling you. You could ruin all the possible good that can come from this.

A better plan is get help for yourself while he gets help for himself. You need it MORE than he does for sure. See what happens in a year of you both getting help.

My sister went through this for years...he would hit her then he was sorry and was going to change. He would be good for a while and then it would start all over again. YEARS of this until she finally decided that she needed to leave him when he almost killed her.

I can't say for sure this is what's going to happen but I can say it happens way more than you would believe. 2 weeks is nothing...and to be honest, after what he did to you, I can't see why you would even want to take that chance again.

Don't go back... you see what he's capable of... until he deals with this WITHOUT you.. and have a significant time behind him proving he;s dealt with it and actually made permanent changes... don't go anywhere near him. My opinion is cut him out of your life completely... then he is free and motivated tomake real changes... and then someone else will deal with him.

As was mentioned... you need to get your own help... because he abused you and you are wanting to stay with him for more. The last thing either of you need right now is each other. Hopefully after you get that help..you wil see why you should permanently part ways with him.

You can love someone very much, but that doesn't mean that they are a good partner for you.

Consider that perhaps he was in your life simply to teach you what you don't want in a relationship; what you won't accept in a future relationship... and just maybe, a little about yourself as well.

Don't let your heart overrule your brain. You know everyone who has responded have it figured out. It is a No-Go.