I won't say I am the best, nor the worst son in the world. I am just me. I am 28 and was living at home until yesterday (I know its pathetic in its own way, but please, hear me out). I have spoken to my mother about having my girlfriend of 2.5 years move in with us, since she's only home 5 days every 6 weeks (telecommuting). We did everything we had spoken about, getting rid of some old furniture we agreed was past its usefulness. After working hard for 3 weeks we had things presentable, and had done 2 more things we had agreed on, changing her room to the guest room and giving me the master bedroom since I was the primary resident of the house (I know it sounds like I am spoiled for that, I am aware... )

Some back story, she has gotten along great with my girlfriend for the past 2.5 years, its not a new or on and off relationship. Were good to each other, and every "fight" is a conversation, no yelling. A healthy discussion. Partially because growing up I always heard my parents fight, and when people start yelling I shut down emotionally. My mom is not the best, or the worst mother in the world. She has some issues, but until yesterday had never talked to me the way she did. Not for a long time anyway. When someone who can't reply when yelled at is confronted with things like your not thinking with the right head, this is the first time I've ever been disappointed in you... it hurts, but I can't say anything back. I don't have a backbone when it comes to her. So, when she said those things, and got in a fight with my girl, I spoke to both parties and they said they don't see a resolution to this. (the fight was over my girlfriend packing my mothers glassware and some plates in boxes, adding her own into the drawers. She said she felt she was being pushed out of her own home, but wasn't, it is shared with all of us?

Her first day back it was fine, but on day 2... we need to talk, followed by yelling... (my mother became very territorial, and kept repeating this is my house!! this isn't going to work, you need to find your own place) She admits to having trust issues, but refuses any type of counseling (when my father asked her to do so, it was the catalyst that ended their marriage)

I am sorry this is so long, but if you still reading, I thank you.

I ended things by leaving a note saying" yes you are right, this is your house. Your also right, if we want this to work we need our own place. We will stay with my girlfriends mother for now until we can get our own place. I hope we can be a family again someday,

love you,....your son (i used my name, not going to here)"

I hoped beyond hope it wouldn't come to this, I feel like she made me choose between her and my girlfriend. I was hoping she would have called to try to patch things up, I am perfectly willing, and I hold family in high regard. But no contact. I know it may take time, and I hope we're stronger for it in the end, but I want to find out where things stand.

And now finally, my question. Should I allow her to make first contact, or try to do so myself. I can't see from inside the situation as clearly as I would like, but my father knowing her said if she reaches out to you first, it's a sign she may be willing to change. I am just worried she never will, and I am dead to her now. I know its soon, but I would appreciate any feedback, as I can't sleep very well at the moment.

Thank you for your input, and your time.
A concerned son...

Tell your mom you are sorry, tell her you and your girlfriend were completely wrong. Tell her that your girlfriend disrespected her by moving her things without talking about it first with her.

Tell her that having your own place is for the best but you wan to visit when she is in town.

** you come into my house, and move my things, you would have been out that day. Sorry, yes, sound spoiled and too use to having your own way.

You were so far out of line I almost think this can't even be a true story.
I choked on my coffee when you said that you took the master bedroom because you are the 'primary resident.' NO, YOUR MOTHER owns the home, not you, and that makes her the primary resident. What possible logic were you using?
It goes on from there, with the dishes (your girlfriend has a screw loose too, thinking that was OK), and your off the wall remark about 'trust issues.' What the heck does trust have to do with someone taking over your house? 'Trust me,' says the robber, yanking you out of your car, 'I'll leave it in a nice safe place when I'm done with it?' And she would get to 'share' the dishes - HUH? I think I'll go to your house and box up all your books and music so that you can 'share' mine.
And what does her marriage breakup have to do with THIS? I'd say that you are the one who needs counseling. Your story is downright chilling.
The last straw of cluelessness, thinking somehow that she made you choose between two women. You clearly had already chosen your girlfriend, and were railroading your mother from the start.

What do you do now? Have some flowers delivered to your mother, and send a hand written note of apology. No buts, no rationalizations, no excuses. You were wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am still getting my jaw off the ground... and I haven't thought of anything more to add than joypulv and Fr_Chuck haven't already said.

So many things both you and your girlfriend did were both wrong and disrepsectful. Your mother has good reason to be upset. Serious apologies are in order to your mom from the both of you... and of course they will ring hollow if you both can't recognise what you did was wrong and why.

Your mom will eventually get over it... but how long that takes depends on how long your apology takes and how sincere it actually is. Yes she will know if it is or not... she's your mom... she can read you better than anyone.

I won't say you are the worst son. I've heard of worse, but not much worse. How dare you move your mother to the guest room of her own home and take over the master bedroom! Who do you think you are?! Then you and your live in take it upon yourselves to pack up your mothers belongings only to replace them with your own?

As a mother of a son your age, it would be a cold day in hell before I spoke to you if you were my son and you did this to me. Your live in tramp, I mean girlfriend, is a visitor in your mothers home and should respect your mother as such.

No, you aren't thinking with the right head and your mother has every right to be disappointed in you. Good thing you are a big boy because she can't get into any trouble for kicking you out.

You were way out of line. Give your mother some space. If you are lucky she will forgive you.

I think you over-stepped your boundaries. You admit it is your mother's house and you lived in it. This implies she paid the bills even when she wasn't there creating them. While you might have helped out monetarily (you haven't said), you were essentially the care-taker while she was at work.

I am not certain how much of the stuff you did was agreed upon by your mother (with the probability that you 'discussed' them until she gave in) or your girlfriend. It also sounds like you discussed a possibility of your girlfriend moving in not that you were actually bringing her into the house. If there was a definite agreement for her to move in then boundaries needed to be set. You should have cleared with your mother what was allowed and what wasn't. Your girlfriend should not have made any changes without her consent.

As for your mother being territorial, it is her territory. You and your girlfriend were essentially playing house while she was away. Your father and their relationship have no place in this. It isn't his home. She doesn't need counseling to know it is her home and it was being invaded.

Think about it this way, she is gone for most of the time probably staying in places that are shared or not fully her space. Her house is her space. It is hers to return to with all of her stuff to make it her home, her sanctuary, her place. She may have agreed to the room move for various different reasons including the possibility of your girlfriend (probably hoping it would 'wife' instead) moving in, but that was her choice. She may have agreed to get rid of certain items of furniture, but it was her choice. She did not agree to allow someone else to pack up her dishes and glassware. I will almost bet that wasn't the only change your girlfriend made on her own or with your help. How much of your girlfriend's stuff replaced the removed items? She trusted you to respect her and her home. You didn't.

Your mother may have said things you didn't want to hear and apparently have not heard before, but it seems she needed to say them and you needed to listen. For you to behave the way you have and blame her and her marriage for her reaction says that you have not been paying attention for the past 28 years. Sounds like she was willing to make some changes until you decided to do things your way. Put the responsibility where it belong, squarely on your own shoulders.

You need to apologize to your mother. Your girlfriend needs to apologize to your mother.

You're 28 years old, and somehow feel entitled to turn your mother's life upside down, bring in your girlfriend who packs up her dishes, and you think SHE needs to apologize?

I would feel exactly the same way as your mother, and if she were posting here, I'd tell her "good for you for protecting what is yours, and I would feel the same way"

It sounds like you and your girlfriend planned to permanently live in her home. This wasn't a temporary guest situation. You expected you and your girlfriend would live in her home, and arrange her life, to suit your own.

Now you have gone from your mother's house, to her mother's house, and no doubt her mother is feeling a little trampled on as well.

Are you working? Is your girlfriend working? Why can the two of you not afford a place on your own?

And how kind of your father to offer opinions on his ex wife, and agree with you that it is SHE that is out of line.

Why don't you move in with him?

The only fault of your mother is that she let you be dependent far too long.

Time for you to grow up!

Nothing I read was wrong in the responses. OP, I think the ball is in your court.
You need to send the Flowers, make sure they are Roses. A very sincere apology
In writing should accompany the flowers. Or better yet both should be hand carried
to your mother. Nuff said.

LOL! What would possibly make you think this was all ok?

"I know it's your house mom but we're going to move you into the smaller room and pack your stuff away..."

Really? You're lucky all she did was yell. The worst thing here is that there are two of you...you and your girlfriend...and NEITHER of you saw anything wrong with this.Two of you and not one had the sense to think that this would probably not be high in popularity with your mother.

Tell her you're sorry...tell her you made a huge mistake...you were just caught up in everything and weren't thinking clearly....take her out to a nice dinner and remind her that you were stupid.

Wait for her to apologize? LMFAO! The woman did nothing wrong except for agreeing to any part of this situation in the first place.

Well, don't let it be said this was for nothing. I have read all your answers, and I thank you for the swift kick in the keester.

I took the advice of catonsville, with flowers and an apology. A long one, one filled with truth. Were going to be fine. I wanted to clarify. A few things too. I never mentioned moving rooms, it was her idea. I suggested doubling my rent when she let me have the main room long before this. She accepted that long ago. All of this could have been avoided with a phonecall . I ddon't pretent to be anything but what I am, and obviously that's spoiled. But I thank you all, sincerely for helping me see things from her side.


Thank you,

In the endI thank you all for your,input,

I'm glad a kick in the keester worked for you. I must say that not only are you spoiled, you are lucky that she took you back in.