Hello all,

I turned 40 a few weeks ago and my mother gave me this little salt and pepper set most likely acquired from the Dollar Tree. I thought it was cute, but unnessary. My brother and sisters and I have asked my mother to refrain from giving gifts primarily because she is on a fixed income and my sister and I help pay for her food, utilities, OTC meds and other things here and there like clothes and a driver to take her to her doctor appointments.

My brother's birthday was last week (he lives in Texas) and my son and he were talking over the webcam. This was last Saturday and I bring my mother over to have lunch and do her laundry while she visits with the kids. My brother makes a point to thank our mother for her card and gift. I'm thinking she sent him a small trinket, too. He goes on to state that he used the money to take the family out to eat and something else (I forget), and I realize she sent him money! I am guessing $50 to $100.

Am I just being a jerk for feeling really irritated that my mother who can barely make ends meet sends money she doesn't have to my brother who really doesn't need it? I didn't say anything to my brother or mother or even my husband. What's the point? I thought the anonymity of this forum would either indulge my petty feelings or slap me back into reality.

/pity party

First it may not even be true, some people like to just brag, ( you know mines always bigger sort of thing)

But your mother does need help with her budget if she is doing this, since she may well be doing other things with her money where she needs to be paying her bills.

Of course to her, you are there for her and she knows that you can tell she loves you, but for the one not near her, this may be her way to trying to show that.

Probably she is reaching for you...

When she is gone you are going to wish she was around to give you a cheap set of salt and pepper shakers. It isn't the gift, it's the giving and the thought.

I think I would give anything to see my mom again. So think about it.

I wouldn't put too much into it. It could just be she had some extra cash during your brothers birthday and was short during yours. It should be the thought that counts. Maybe she wanted to send your brother more money because she doesn't get to see him as often, where she sees you a lot more. Its only a birthday gift too, I haven't received an actual present from my parents since I was 18.

My grandmother nearly bankrupted herself on stupid little stuff - figurines from the drugstore, collectibles from magazines, $20 to the church, and so on. She was an easy mark because she was not adept at saying "no" and was from a generation in which the men managed the money.

Our family's solution was for her children - my mom and her siblings - to approach her in a kind and respectful manner to talk to her about their concerns that long term, she would not have enough money unless her money was managed better. They strongly suggested that they take over her finances - balance her accounts, pay her monthly bills, report to her regularly on what has been paid and what she has and where every penny has gone. They give her cash for her monthly expenses. She is in a senior facility which provides her meals and such, so someone more independent might need a pre-paid credit card for things like grocieries and restaurant meals with friends and so on.

The family also agreed on a certain dollar amount for gifts from my grandmother, which I think was a huge relief for her. It was set at $100 for each of her children for each birthday and each Christmas, and $20 for each grandchild. Because she wasn't spending so much a dollar at a time, she could then afford to do this and ended up being very relieved to have the guideline. It prevented family members from giving gift ideas that were too costly - if they wanted something more expensive, she gave them their money to put toward that item.

When she became physically and mentally unable to manage her money, the arrangements had already been approved by her and were simply continued. She now suffers from dimmentia, but having the financial piece done long ago allowed more focus to be put on her other needs as they changed and increased.

I think it is very human of you to feel a bit irked. Notice I didn't say it was right, but it is very normal. My mother threw my sister a 50th birthday week-end thing, and my other sister a party for her 40th b'day. I turned 50 back in Jan. and did not even get a phone call. I got a card several days later. It can't help but make you feel "less than" even if that wasn't their intention. And in my case, I don't dare bring it up because that would sound so petty.

It takes a lot of work to put that in a place where I don't get sad over it. I hope you can do the same. Don't be so free to pay for her things because she obviously has more than you think. Basically she gave your brother YOUR money.

It's not unnatural for you to feel irked. Some parents actually favor one child over another... maybe she favors your brother, as awful as that is to say out loud. There is nothing you can do about it... (and maybe that's not even WHY she gave him money). I'm just saying that IF she does favor your brother saying something to her might just make things awkward between you both. Perhaps saying something so she KNOWS that YOU know she gave money to your sibling... would be a good idea. Just so she's made aware. I'm not sure which direction works for you.

Maybe she gave him money, (the best situation... ) without remembering what she gave you.. Maybe her memory is off..

I really don't think she wants to start an upset though... like it wasn't done to hurt. Keep that in consideration if you decide to say anything to her...