Hello, I am just wondering if guys can refuse handjobs because they are tired or because they are not in the mood. My boyfriend has been refusing any kind of foreplay or handjobs for a few weeks. I know its different with sex but handjobs and blowjobs? What do you think? I like giving them so I wonder if there would be a chance that he could be getting them elswhere like massage parlors for example, I know a lot of men visit them and if he is visiting one then I am going to break up with him immediately mostly of jealousy and anger. I just hope this is not the case he is 21 years old please help me out! Thank you.

At 21... if he was... it wouldn't mean he couldn't with you too. At 21 I could be having sex with 3 or 4 different women a day... and none would affect being able to be with the others.

He can and might for any nuber of reasons... as an example I for one was never a fan of handjobs... now other foreplay... thats something else.

He might be upset with you about something... if he has a job.. just be tired.. or a number of things. Have you asked him yet? If you can be having sex with him... you should be able to talk with him about it as well, otherwise you have no business doing it. He'll probibly tell you why.

If someone here said that yes, it's proof he's going to a massage parlor then you would break up with him?

So...because he doesn't want that from you then the obvious reason is that he's going to a massage parlor? Maybe it's possible that you don't do it right. Maybe it's possible he has things on his mind. Maybe it's possible he's mad about something.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

At 21... if he was... it wouldn't mean he couldn't with you too. At 21 I could be having sex with 3 or 4 different women a day... and none would affect being able to be with the others.He can and might for any nuber of reasons... as an example I for one was never a fan of handjobs... now other foreplay... thats something else.He might be upset with you about something... if he has a job.. just be tired.. or a number of things. Have you asked him yet? If you can be having sex with him... you should be able to talk with him about it as well, otherwise you have no business doing it. He'll probibly tell you why.

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We both used work part time. Now he started working full time on daily basis. I usually see him on the weekends. As he always says he is working extra shifts, or he is working overtime or he is too busy and won't be able to see me. We don't text each other much because he doesn't respond to my massages he usually texts me when he is done with work and it's usually something like "how are you" he has been acting weird lately like working later than often suddenly. I was trying to communicate with him for a long time but he always said he is too tired, or not in the mood or maybe later etc, our sex life overall has gone down we are doing it for like once a week usually on Saturday and only when he wants it. I offered everything, I tried bringing toys, dress differently , I even wanted to die my hair and get haircut as I thought he needs variety. I don't know what he does while he works or where he is going after/before he goes to work, we don't live together but I do have the key to his place. But I never use it without his permission. I also asked if there are any problems with his family or friends and I get nothing in return... we used to see each other daily usually when he or me finished work we used to meet up at his place and have sex, spend time together etc, but now he is getting more distant he tells me he goes off to work in the morning at 8:30 ( according to him) I text him when he has lunch break, that's at 1:30 ( according to him) he won't respond, then he texts me at 5:00 saying he is sooo tired and that we should take a break for a while... in my opinion there is a CO-WORKER, but I am not sure.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

If someone here said that yes, it's proof he's going to a massage parlor then you would break up with him?

So...because he doesn't want that from you then the obvious reason is that he's going to a massage parlor? Maybe it's possible that you don't do it right. Maybe it's possible he has things on his mind. Maybe it's possible he's mad about something.

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I think he is just bored with me I don't know

Well now, it is POSSIBLE that he is seeing someone else. Your original question mentioned only massage parlors but then in your reply you gave more of a story. He could be telling the truth or he may have found someone else. There is no possible way for us to know an answer to this. We don't know you, him, or anything that would tell us the answer.

Its possible he's just extremely tired... depending on what type of work he does... physical exhuastion can do that to a guy. Or like Odinn7 says maybe he's got someone...

If he was ony working part time and now just got his first full time job... he can't be making all that much to afford massage parlors... they are expensive.

How long have you been with him?

A lot of times the excitement early in a relationship wears off to reveal that there isn't much there beyond the sex.

By that I mean many times early relationships are about getting into bed... or being in bed... there isn't always a lot of stuff completely unrelated to that... and when the 'new person" excitement wears off, one or the other mioght find three isn't a lot to do or talk about.

Which is why people really should wait at LEAST three or more years before even thinking about getting married... as this is why a lot of divorces happen... people get married before they really get to know each other. Because that takes years to do.

Bottom line-you don't trust him. Co-worker or prostitute or no one doesn't matter if you have given up trusting him.

Am I wrong and you do still trust him? If so, can you try the one thing I am not certain you have-giving him some space by not expecting sex or sexual acts (nearly) every time you are together?

If he is tired and this started about the time he got a full time job and spending a lot of time working, he may be feeling like all you want is sex. Do you share intimacy in other ways such as cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands, quick kisses and caresses that aren't supposed to lead anywhere?

How have you tried talking to him about the subject? If he feels like you are accusing him of cheating or not giving you enough, it may be putting him on the defensive. Most people shut down when they feel like they are being confronted.

When and where have you tried talking to him about the subject?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Bottom line-you don't trust him. Co-worker or prostitute or no one doesn't matter if you have given up trusting him.

Am I wrong and you do still trust him? If so, can you try the one thing I am not certain you have-giving him some space by not expecting sex or sexual acts (nearly) every time you are together?

If he is tired and this started about the time he got a full time job and spending a lot of time working, he may be feeling like all you want is sex. Do you share intimacy in other ways such as cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands, quick kisses and caresses that aren't supposed to lead anywhere?

How have you tried talking to him about the subject? If he feels like you are accusing him of cheating or not giving you enough, it may be putting him on the defensive. Most people shut down when they feel like they are being confronted.

When and where have you tried talking to him about the subject?

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I stopped trusting him, I have to admit this, I don't believe he would start working so much all of a sudden. No I don't request it from him but when we meet up which is usually at weekends, yes we do cuddle, kiss hold hands ( even if everything is initiated by me) and when I initiate anything sexual he just ditches me... in other words leaves saying he wants to spend some time with his friends. I asked why is he not responding to my massages while he is at work and he told me to give him some space. I attempted to speak to him on thursdays and fridays when we usually prepare for the weekend. We go on a date and when we come back home I try to speak to him but he refuses to make any form of communication. I have do admit I did ask him " is there something that is bothering you or something you need help with? i will understand if there is another woman" he got pissed and told me to stop accusing him. That's when he told me we should take a break... I think he meant that we should stop seeing each other. Apparently he is going to be really busy with his new job and won't be able to see me on WEEKENDS because he has some business to do. I am done I have such a nice co-worker who is single I think I will just start a new relationship, if he is really faithful he will try and get me back. I will see

Great way to lose your job if that falls apart.

Worst possible mistake someone can make is date a coworker. Its almost always ugly and results in people getting fired with things go bad... and they almost always do eventually. It makes for great entertainment for those NOT involved however. Speaking as someone thats seen many spectacular breakups as workplace romances go nuclear.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Its possible he's just extremely tired... depending on what type of work he does... physical exhuastion can do that to a guy. Or like Odinn7 says maybe he's got someone...

If he was ony working part time and now just got his first full time job... he can't be making all that much to afford massage parlors... they are expensive.

How long have you been with him?

A lot of times the excitement early in a relationship wears off to reveal that there isn't much there beyond the sex.

By that I mean many times early relationships are about getting into bed... or being in bed... there isn't always a lot of stuff completely unrelated to that... and when the 'new person" excitement wears off, one or the other mioght find three isn't a lot to do or talk about.

Which is why people really should wait at LEAST three or more years before even thinking about getting married... as this is why a lot of divorces happen... people get married before they really get to know each other. Because that takes years to do.

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He told me he got promoted and got a job as a office manager ( is that exhausting?) he commutes 1h and 30min every day ( I admit this is exhausting).

Are they really that expensive? Well don't worry his dad is quite rich so I am sure he will supply him with money I can reassure you. He is quite reckless and lazy ( he relied on his parents most of the time) apparently this new job he got was because of his DAD as well I don't know about this but he told me his dad helped him out. He is so difficult to understand. We have been together for over 3 years ( march 2011-January-2014) I also have to admit I did concentrate more on the sexual part of our relationship during the last few months, but I didn't know it would affect him anyway.

Just so you know, I have done my homework on massage parlors and I TOTALLY forbid them. If my boyfriend really went to one of this shady places I would have been mortified. The incident with handjobs got me thinking and massage parlors are on my mind again. I started suspecting him because I also read a LOT of stories about men visiting these places behind their partner's back. So it got me thinking a little. I believe he is the type of person that would let a woman give him a hand release which completely shatters me from inside thinking he would let other woman do that to him instead of me.

Well I am going to find out anyway, I will just confront him about everything I have on my mind. We will likely break up but I don't care anymore.

Lust fades, love grows. Most hot and heavy sex built relationships end when the lust has gone and there is no communications or any other bonding interactions. All the toys and hairdo's won't keep it going either.

You seem ready to explore your other options and opportunities, and maybe he has too. I think you get the same results with any fellow. How long before you jumped into bed with him?

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Originally Posted by Tanesha001

I stopped trusting him, I have to admit this, I don't believe he would start working so much all of a sudden. No I don't request it from him but when we meet up which is usually at weekends, yes we do cuddle, kiss hold hands ( even if everything is initiated by me) and when I initiate anything sexual he just ditches me... in other words leaves saying he wants to spend some time with his friends. I asked why is he not responding to my massages while he is at work and he told me to give him some space. I attempted to speak to him on thursdays and fridays when we usually prepare for the weekend. We go on a date and when we come back home I try to speak to him but he refuses to make any form of communication. I have do admit I did ask him " is there something that is bothering you or something you need help with? i will understand if there is another woman" he got pissed and told me to stop accusing him. That's when he told me we should take a break... I think he meant that we should stop seeing each other. Apparently he is going to be really busy with his new job and won't be able to see me on WEEKENDS because he has some business to do. I am done I have such a nice co-worker who is single I think I will just start a new relationship, if he is really faithful he will try and get me back. I will see

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He's dumping you and he's not that into you any more.

Relationships are like Jugs of milk. They have a best before date. You always look for the one with the longest time and it is good. It is even good after the best before date, but it will get funky and eventually have to dump it. Staying beyond that is a recipe for disaster.

The reason I say this is that you're honestly coming off as smothering. Texting all day, after work, expecting to spend the ENTIRE weekend together. Granted these aren't outrageous requests, I am like that with my wife, but if that's not the level of commitment that he's feeling right now then it is going to get oppressive REALLY quickly. Accusing him of cheating when you had nothing to go on doesn't help matters. To him, and I am not judging or labelling you, but you're coming off as Obsessive Girlfriend. He is trying to get away and not quite sure how to do it. He took the first step with the "I want to take a break". People rarely take breaks and get back together into productive relationships. The initial issue that caused the break is never dealt with during the break so it pops up again and you're in the same boat.

You don't trust him so there is already a huge cancer in the relationship. Allow it to die. I would advise against a co-worker because that can turn into all sorts of bad especially with conflicts of interest or hierarchy issues.

My nickel. (We don't have pennies in canada any more so you get more than two cents)

Well... new promotion to office manager... he's got a lot to learn... and it probibly is mentally exhausting until he gets a routine sorted out and gets a rhythm going.


I highly doubt "DAD" is tossing him money for a "happy ending" at a massage parlor. There are some things guys just don't discuse with each other... banging hookers is one of them. Women talk about far more personal stuff than guys do among each other.

But to be fair... most Massage parlors probibly are legitimate businesses without hanky panky happening. But a lot depends on where this is. No you don't have to tell us.

At three years you can't expect a guy to have the same level of excitement as in the beginning. When it starts to fade varies a lot... it can be in as little as a few months... it might be closer to that three year point.

However word of warning... come out accusing him... or even making it appear to him that you are... even if he isn't doing anything... you are going to seriously p I s s him off... so think twice HOW and WHAT you say before you say it. There is a right way and a wrong way. Put him on the defensive and expect him to be the one that ends it.

I've walked out on women that falsely accused me of doing stuff. Not many women tollerate it too much either. THe person thats innocent of it will likely be even more angry. Definately NOT one of those no harm done things....it can end a relationship in the snap of the finger if it comes across a certain way.

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Originally Posted by Tanesha001

I have such a nice co-worker who is single I think I will just start a new relationship, if he is really faithful he will try and get me back. I will see

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No, he won't and shouldn't. If you walk that should be the end of it. No game playing.

If you walk, one of the worst things you can do is to jump from one relationship to another. That you would contemplate such an action does not speak highly of your own loyalty. I know you are frustrated and tired, but don't let it cause you to act or react in a way that you know isn't in your best interests. You will need time to heal and work through the baggage you are accumulating. You do not want to have it affect your next relationship and it will if you don't take time to let it go.

You don't trust him. You can end the relationship on a fight or you can bow out gracefully and keep your dignity intact. Your choice.

Can he refuse what you offer?
You totally forbid massage parlors?

Two very unsettling phrases to me. They sound controlling and parental. He's your boyfriend, not your son. You don't make any adult do anything and you don't forbid anything either. If you find out he's doing something you don't like, you try to talk about it, and if that fails you LEAVE. And you don't make assumptions and accusations 'based on research' either. This isn't the sort of thing you find doing research.

It's possible he's lying, cheating, who knows? We strangers are the last to know. But it's also possible that your brand of suspicion is ruining what was a good relationship.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Lust fades, love grows. Most hot and heavy sex built relationships end when the lust has gone and there is no communications or any other bonding interactions. All the toys and hairdo's won't keep it going either.

You seem ready to explore your other options and opportunities, and maybe he has too. I think you get the same results with any fellow. How long before you jumped into bed with him?

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3 months

For whatever reason the relationship failed, then you simply move on. I have always taken a break as a break up. It was good while it lasted mostly, but feelings and attitudes are subject to change obviously. Never know what the future holds but its an opportunities to do better next time.

He didn't do much to build a more solid relationship (neither of you did/couldn't and that's okay) any way and be cautious of just jumping into another relationship so soon after this one. Let the dust settle first.

First men get tired, and often hand jobs are not always as fulfilling as others think they are, and some men prefer to do it themselves, because they control the feel.

Massage parlors, there are many types and levels, most give really great massages, I go once or twice a week myself. Then there are some where the man can get hand or oral sex. Others perhaps more levels of sex. But of course with a cost of several hundred of dollars per visit, most likely that is not where he is going.

See a man and he will try to get you back, god no, you see another man, and he is gone if he really cared for you.

I sounds like you are putting far too much importance in sex, and not enough in a real relationship