I have no idea what to do.
Back Ground
Second marriage, and I have just figured out that I attract people who are somewhat depressed and need structure. I am a very sure person who is kind and forgiving but a workaholic. I am the head of a company which sometime makes me a task master, but I know it's an issue so I am grateful when people make fun of me so I know when I'm doing it again. I'm very happy person (somewhat spastic)and have a ton of stuff going on in my life and I feel that I married people who don't know themselves and have mild depression. They were attracted to me because I made the depression go away for a while.

Problem
I'm not sure my marriage is going to make it. In the last two years (7 years) we have had to work together as a true team on several things. We have found out that he does not communicate or follow a plan and I take things over when I feel they are not being done correctly (correctly, AKA, my way).

To make matters worse, my husband, is emotionally immature and has an insane temper. He storms off and refeses to communicate with me or solve the problem (for weeks, sometimes months). Communication is the key to everything.

Furthermore, I'm not sure he even likes (forget about love) me anymore. He's always angry at something I do and he says that I am never satisfied with his work (I am driven/goal oriented and he is lazy and has no hobbies)

I truly want him to be happy, even if that means we go our separate ways. I do love him and I have no problem working these things out but I struggle with his mood swings and unwilliness to communicate. He does not outright refues to talk but his anger won't let down the walls. When he is angry he is very self-destructive, and will make very bad emotional decisions.

Question
Are we just delaying the inevitable (he has a lot of emotionally unstable people in his family, but originally, I thought he was more like the other side of the family, I think I may be wrong) , is this marriage ever going to make it?

What do I do now? I'm not a person to just sit in limbo… I like having a plan and moving forward.

Now... don't get upset... I'm going to be direct here with some glaring things your post reveals.

I see the problem... according to you, your way is the only right way... and he is lazy and has no hobbies.

That would drive most men to be angry with you.

Now... unless you are able to deal with this judgemental and slef righteous streak you have... the outcome is a foregon conclusion. The question now is... is it too late.

I'd recommend marriage counseling for both of you... where you can have a disinterested third party objectively listen to the isues from each of your points of view... offer comprimises... and each of you can work on dealing with each others more annoying traits. Notice how I say BOTH...marriage is a partnership. Not a dictatorship.

I agree with Smoothy. You both have issues. Most people can't recognize their own issues. At least you do so kudos for that.

Oliver and smoothy- Thanks for responding.

I agree with your comments, I come from a long line of self-righteous engeneers (if you know an engineer, you know what this means =). I don't feel that my way is the right way (that was a joke, sorry if it did not come through. I did not want to write too much for fear no one would take the time to read it). Nonetheless, in my company, no dission is made without a majority of the people I have around my table agreeing. Often, that means things don't go the way I originally thought they should but always work out in the end. And always for the better. That is why I am posting, I need other people to give me their opinions, even if it's telling me that I am being an a@@.

Two main Events:
1) I used to teach special ed, and his son has ADHD. I helped him develop a plan (husband asked me to) to help his son. So when I give feedback on his deployment of the plan, he get's angry. But I have to say I am super direct and don't beat around the bush… unussual for a woman but I am working on it.

2) The other project was a robotic program that we co-coached for his son's team. I was doing one portion and he was doing the other. My company is affiiated education and is well known in in our community. How we coached the team would therefore be a reflexion on both myself and the company. Initially, he was helping out but then he just quit doing any work for the team. I could see the frustration in the other parents faces and actions. I either let it fail or take it over. I took it over, I had no choice but I think he knew that.

Anyway, its been those two issues, plus last year his ex was suing for custody, that have brought us to our current position. A lot of stress, to say the least. I welcome anyone's comments, good, bad and indiffent.

I know engineers... I'm one myself. I was careful to not paint him as being without fault, as we only have one perspective here, not too many perfect people running around, I've yet to meet one myself (not in the mirror either)... and sometimes when you are brief... more things come through.

As I'm sure you understand... thre is a fine line between being a pro-active, take charge type... (not nessessarly a bad thing) and being domineering. Where that line is... can be different from one person to the next... based on their personality types and tollerance. My bar for that for example is probibly lower than most. I really can't guess where his would be.

I think you hit on something with his ex suing for custody... thats got to be a huge stressor for any parent. Particularly one who has had custody of the child. That's another major source of the anger... that's expensive, time consuming and drags up a lot of bad memories. Is there a chance with all of this happening... that depression might be a factor? It can drive people to be more withdrawn and even angry?

I also know engineers, my partner is one, my dad was one, my brother in law is one, and I work with them daily. I feel my pain!

People are not perfect and will never be. One of the coolest parts of a relationship, I think, is working through the faults and issues of our partners because that is what they do for us. If you are continually making him feel inadequate and not worthy, he is going to continue acting out and getting angry. I know I would. He has shortcomings. So what, so do you and me and Smoothy and everyone else who walks this planet.

I tell my partner all the time that I am practically perfect. I know that isn't the case but we work through both of our issues because love is involved.

A workaholic, and a guy with no hobbies and an ex bugging him. A bossy driven wife and a supposed lazy dude with anger issues. I would be mad all the time too if I had to live with the boss AND work with her too.

All work and no play has you both resentful dull grumps that need to let your hair down a lot. Bet you don't take vacations at all either. This marriage is STALE, and he has NO OUTLETS. Show some love why don't you. And I don't mean just token crumbs. I don't think from what you have written that you appreciate this fellow at all.

Bet you can't make a list of 3 things you like about him. Does he have time for his son? One thing for sure and I don't mean to be harsh but you don't sound like a fun person to be around, at work, or home. Few workaholics are, no matter their profession. Sorry you make such lousy choices in men, and then blame the men. Makes one wonder why you married them. You sure have no use for them. Bad enough you are married, but working at the same place would make any man depressed.

Bottom line is you can't change him, so change yourself.

Thanks Smoothy and Oliver- I think you hit the nail on the head, there has been a lot of stress and there is an ever fine line between pro-active and taking charge. And that is where I struggle.

Interestingly his son, who is a carbon copy of him, is in therapy and struggles with even dealing with any emotion. My husband has said to me before that he feels emotion and does not even know why. Perhaps going to counseling will give him a platform to work those out and for myself, strategies on leaning how to not be myself =)

Thanks for the help and unbiased advise, you have put things in perspective for me! Much appreciated!

Counseling would be for you also, not just him, you have to learn that all things do not have to be controlled. And that HIS way may be the best way for him.