My father passed away. His wife, who left him for another man, pops back up after the funeral services demanding a copy of the death certificate and this and that. (inquiring to what he has and stuff... I don't tell her anything) . Anyway, my questions would be is she responsible for the cost of his funeral or the cleaning of his house and all the bills? I've been the one going back and forth 250 miles one way, cleaning up the rented house he lived in, paying for dumpsters and cleaners to help and now she is making demands saying she is alive and well. If she is, she should take care of the matter. Can I not charge her for my time, labor and costs? If she wants to come back in the picture now, she should take the responsibility. We both live in other states than my father did. She is in NY, I am in KS, he died in OK. I'm the one on the death certificate, not her. I made the trips to the hospital to see him as he was dying. She never called once. My sister said she was waiting for him to pass. :(
My father left nothing to me but the mess I am cleaning. I am one of 6 sibling but I live the closest. The others are in NY and California. What do I do? Leave everything where it's at and make her come take care of it? Can I charge her for the time, gas and labor that I have already provided? Can I file a civil suit to collect? What to do?

The party responsible for paying your expenses would be his estate not her. If she is the executor (doesn't seem to be at this time) then she would look at the estate to see what could be paid to you. When the estate is gone it's gone. Have you gone to the court house to probate the will (if there was one)? Were he and his wife still legally married? Not legally separated?

I ask about a will because you say he left you nothing. Is that because everything goes to his wife or because there was nothing to leave?

Is Probate Needed

This link may help you. It talks about probate in Oklahoma. I would say though that his wife would be his closest next of kin (provided still legally married). It also addresses things that don't go to probate because of right of survivor.

They are not legally separated. The problem arises that he had a place he was living and I am the one being stuck cleaning it up and everything. He really had nothing, an old car, TV, Shed, Computer, Lawn mower etc. and a house full of cigarette burned carpets and trash. I don't think it's fair that I am being the one called upon to being liable for his damages to this place. I am not a co-signer or anything. Just the closest next of kin. So, should I not bother with cleaning up after him or what? What am I to do with all his bills coming in? Where is her responsibility in all this besides collecting his SS?

PS. When my dad dies, his medical records stated that he was widowed so that is what they added to the death certificate. Now his wife is rqaging mad and demanding I fix it. Huh... she didn't pay for the funeral or anything. And I'm not putting in anymore money to make hers or anyone else's life easier. I've dished out enough money already. So what do I do?

OK, So he died in OK with a will? According to OK law then she will inherit 1/2 the estate and you 6 siblings share the other half (Intestate Succession in Oklahoma | Nolo.com). But, the heirs are not responsible for the debts of the estate. Did he own the house?

Frankly, I would send a letter to the spouse and tell her that you do not want any responsibility for your father's estate. That you have already invested x amount in paying for traveling costs. Make sure you itemize your expenses with bills to back them up. If there is anything of value in the house, tell her that you have taken x , y and z as reimbursement for your expenses. Include in the letter that you will not be doing anything more to care for the estate and leave it up to her.

Then wash your hands of it. If she wants to correct the death certificate she will have to do that herself showing proof they are legally married. If she (or any of your siblings) wants anything from the house let her/them come and get it.

She is still his wife. Stick everything to her re cleaning and sorting. You walk away from it. Thst is what you do if you have enough guts to do that. I absolutely would not take that from anyone. Find your backbone !

While on one hand I know that when my (great)grandparents have died a couple of their kids took charge but everyone pitched in that could in helping to get everything taken care of. I can see the same thing happening when my grandparents and parents pass. That being said, the situations surrounding the deaths seem to be extremely different.

In your situation I would let his wife deal with it and go on with my life. Is his house his or rented? If it is his did he own it or still paying the bank? If he is still paying the bank they can take it back. If he is renting then it is the landlords responsibility. They can might be able to collect from his wife if her name is somehow attached. But again, that is for them to worry about not you.

Actually you are not stuck, you offered to do this, you could have just refused and let it all sit, the property owner would have thrown it away or sold it for rent owed.

Or you hire a service to do this.

No, since there was no agreement with the estate for your doing this, you are not entitied to bill anyone.

the estate, if he owned or had anything of value, would be sold to pay his bills.

His wife, and she is still his wife, is entitled to at least 1/2 by the way I see it also.

Take what you want from the house and go home and grieve and live your life. Your siblings are not burdened by this why should you be?

She can go get a death certificate. It doesn't matter who is 'on it' and you can get as many as you want, for a fee, and so can she.
You can't bill her for cleaning or anything, and you are free to walk away from mess and bills, regardless of being his child. You can bill the estate, but you say he had nothing (are you sure? No pension, no life insurance?). Keep a good accounting of what you spent though. Technically an inventory is taken of ALL assets, including household, and submitted to the Probate Court. But there is no law that requires probate. It's just a way to handle paying bills and giving out what's left.

I'm sorry you got this double whammy. I hope you cared about your father enough to make what you have done worthwhile.

Today I receive a registered lettr from my step mother telling me that I need to correct my dads death certificate or she would have to take me to court in New York and that it would costly to both of us. Seriously? Why would I need to go to court? Personally, I think she's talking out her behind.

She is! Unless she can prove that you provided the information that he was widowed, she has no case. I would contact the OK dept of Vital records for the forms to correct a death certificate and send her a copy. Tell her to feel free to request the change.

Did you send the letter I suggested?

I did provide the form to her and she sent everything to me and asked me to take care of it. She is freaking nuts! I have PTSD because this is the woman that beat me so badly as a child that the state took me away. I owe her nothing. Her threats are just that, threats. I did not provide his marriage information. That was obtained through medical records given to the funeral home.

PS...She failed to enclose the $50.00 fee for the amendment, too!

So what other hold does she have over you that you are so afraid to tell her to stick it ?

She doesn't have a hold over me. I'm just trying to seek out the legalities of all this but from what I can tell thus far, she is s.o.l.