My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. His wife left him 20 years ago, and they have 4 adult children, all in their 30's. In the 10 years we have been married, they have never called each other,he says, until the last several months, so I just found out. He says the calls are all about the children... they do have a son that just had surgery, and a daughter that was having some marriage trouble. We have had "monumental" situations since he and I have been married. Family divorces, deaths, hospitalizations, etc. but they had no "need or want" to call each other until several months ago. In the past several months, he has called her app. 15 times, she's called him a dozen times. He was madly in love with her, when she walked out on him. It almost devastated him for several years. Now we have been arguing and TRYING to talk about this for weeks, but haven't resolved anything, He does NOT understand WHY this hurts me..?

So ? He is talking to his ex wife, Why are you threatened, what is there to talk about ? Has it effected your relationship, except where you have allowed it to.

Why is it really a problem ?

I talk to my ex wife, a few times a week, chat on Facebook. We talk about our grown boys, how they are doing. And sometimes chat about "old" days and funny things that happen with the children.

You sound very insure. Were you and he having marriage troubles before this started.

We strangers online can't possibly know if you have cause to worry, or if you are the cause of his continuing their talks!
When no one really knows, you should take the high road and just assume that their talks are about nothing but genuine concern for their CHILDREN. Even if it turns out that he is unhappy with you and ready to leap back into her arms, force yourself to not go that route, because by doing so you will absolutely speed the process up.

It's Gambling for Good, hoping for the best. And besides, what's the alternative? Complaining that he cares too much about her under the pretense of caring about their kids? What does that get you? It's a sure fire way to clinch his going back to her.

This is not to say you can't be honest with him. There's no reason why you can't say that you hope you don't lose him back to her during all this very understandable concern for the kids. Just do it very, very carefully and calmly, without anger or whining.

We all live in the same, small town... we all attend Grandkids birthday, parties, etc. I just find it very strange that they won't even look at each other, speak to each other, etc. at any of these events.. but they are phone tagging each other after 10 years?? If they can't talk to each other around me and the rest of the family, why do you need to call each other?

I suppose this puts a different slant on the story.
Again - we can't know the sequence of events. We can only go by what you write here.
I'd tell him when you are all calm and prepared that you are worried about losing him. You understand, but are worried. It's all in how you say it, and when, and your tone...

I have tried... but no, I Don't understand. We were all at a b'day party this past weekend, I left first, and they were still there. No big deal, but she called his phone as soon as he left the party to apologize that we were all there at he same time.. we are ALWAYS at parties at the same time..? Don't know how to take this

Could it possibly be, that she is taking the high road here? Her not wanting to make nice with you (and your husband) at family events seems courteous to me. Jaws would most certainly flap, and your insecurity would only be heightened if she made contact with your husband at the events you've mentioned.

To make a big deal out of this will backfire. If he is determined to speak with her, most likely about their children together, you pushing him not to, will only alienate you.

If you are otherwise not an insecure or jealous person, and you know where your husband is at the end of the day, and there are no clues (hotel receipts, credit card purchases etc) to back up your anger toward him being in contact with her, then my advice to you is back off and keep your opinions to yourself.

Its up to you the way you approach this thawing between them, about time after so many years, and keeping it private seems reasonable. Of course you don't understand, and I doubt you want to, but maybe your husband DOES understand how YOU would react, AND how it makes YOU feel.

Stay cool, calm, and collected, and very in control of yourself, so when you express yourself you don't show your fear, and make him defensive over it. Don't let your own fears make this a wedge between you, or a bigger deal than what it is and maybe understanding will come later as more is revealed. He will feel much more confident in time sharing with you if you are cool about it, and not overly defensive yourself.

Maybe it has taken years for them both to grow and be better parents to now grown kids, or mend old fences. It may be even longer to be inclusive of you in THEIR business.

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Now we have been arguing and TRYING to talk about this for weeks, but haven't resolved anything, He does NOT understand WHY this hurts me..?

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Do you understand why it hurts you? What do you want him to do about it?

'If they can't talk to each other around me and the rest of the family, why do you need to call each other?'

That is such a loaded question. Again, we can't possible know the sequence of tiny steps that might lead to this. If their children are in the midst of something that is best kept secret, then it's best kept secret from everyone. If it's something that you got in the middle of with opinions, then they may have chosen to leave you out. If you started getting jealous right off the bat, then perhaps you drove them further from you. Do you see all the dozens of reasons that might be behind this that WE can't possibly know, yet you somehow expect us to? It's a clue to me anyway that your communication skills are low, and that you think on superficial levels. Try thinking on a deeper level, and try listening more closely. Men are not known as the best explainers. I'm not excusing him at all, but it takes two to tango, and you have a vested interest in the outcome. We all have to compromise and work extra hard to understand things at times in our lives, just to preserve what we have.

My ex wife and wife are Facebook friends, I guess they chat more than I do, but I still chat with my ex ( after about a 15 year break of not chatting)

And if we were at events, my ex wife would not say too much to me, out of respect to my wife.

Actually on surface with just what is said, it looks like a proper relationship, where ex is being respectful.

It obviously is an issue to you, and you obviously believe there is more going on.
You need to discuss it with him, and see what can be worked out.

It also does not seem to be effecting your relationship with exception of what you are worring about.

I am not going to say that one of you is right or wrong. I will address a very big red flag.

You want him to listen and understand how you feel. That is normal and you have a right to your feelings and opinions. The red flag is that you do not seem to be listening to him and trying to give him the same understanding that you want.

A relationship needs communication and compromise to stay healthy. Communication is more than more than telling him what think and feel. It is listening to him. Compromise is more than expecting the other person agree and do what you want. It is sitting down and setting boundaries that both parties can live with.

Work together to get through this instead of tearing each other apart.

I didn't talk to my ex for ten years, then we saw each other at an event and talked for several hours. We text or call each other every once in awhile and we are just "friends" and I appreciate we have moved on with no more hate. We never had children together and I am remarried. My ex asked me to lunch after I did a favor for him and I gracefully declined. I told my husband about it and that I felt uncomfortable but he said he would not have cared if I had gone to lunch with my ex. There is a reason why they are divorced but since they have children together I would not worry about the texts. His ex seems to be respectful of your marriage. I would not show my insecurity over him texting and perhaps tell him your sorry for making a bigger deal over it than it is and that you are happy that you and he both trust each other enough to not cross any boundaries and if he needs some help with the children from you that you are there for him. I would not keep trying to talk to him about it as your only pushing him away