Ask Me Help Desk - Together with a military man that is separated.

I have gone all over in hopes to have an answer to this question.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years about. He has been separated for 3. I moved across country to be with him and now our lease is up. The next house we are moving to I am on the lease (just as he is going through divorce now). His ex, as witnessed by me, is a narcissistic sociopath.

This divorce will not end will with her and it is knowing this, she will try to bring down my boyfriend using any means by using me, because that is all she can grasp, but cannot prove as she lives a few states away. She is going for everything. I really don't think she can get her hands on his retirement but she's trying!
I want to know, if there is a way I can legally be with my boyfriend in our new house? Is there any way around the law the military has laid out for those who serve? I don't want to break the law and from the beginning I said I would not be used as a tool or be the one to get him into in trouble. I feel I am about to be used to her advantage should it come down to it.

We have discussed if I were to show I also pay rent on this house and we are not cohabitants (... one of us would take a different room of the household). The most extreme option being I would have to scrounge up money and send myself home until this is done... which should take less than a year.

You are not breaking any law. Your boyfriend may be breaking Military rules on adultery. But that is him, not you.

As for as divorce, there is not a lot she can do. In the actual divorce, if there are kids, ask for child support, if there is not, after 3 years separation, if any issue of property damage.

He will file, and what has been her objections to divorce ?

If they were in a community property state then yes, she can go after his retirement for the portion of the contribution during the relationship.

Depending on how long they were married... she might be legally entitled to half of his Military retirement despite your liking it or not. There is also alimony she is entitled to and child support if there were kids. Put yourself in her shoes... would you not be doing the same thing?

She can drag out the divorce for as long as she can with the law... after all... until its final, that's her business and his...

And one last thing... He's in the Military.. you knew this... your actions can and will affect his career... the worst thing you can try to do is game the system or try to find ways around military regulations... trust me... they take great pleasure in smacking down people who attempt to do that every day... and they have a lot of experience doing it. And your not being in the military yourself doesn't preclude them from doing a lot of stuff to make your life exponentually more difficult... trust me... I've seen them do it. I had a good friend who was a retired Command Sergeant Major...he told me all the tricks they could play on people that don't toe the line that are perfectly legal over the years I've known him. They have an almost limitless bag of tricks for those that don't act and do exactly what is expected of them.

And easy one would be sending him overseas on extended TDY from one place to another unacompanied...keeping him away from home most of the time as well as barring you from the military base and most of its services for a very long time.

Both things I've seen happen to people And I've seen children and Married spouses of active Military members banned from base for over a year at a time over things they have done. I've also seen marred people sent on unaccompanied TDY to some godforsaken base for months as punishment as well.

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Depending on how long they were married... she might be legally entitled to half of his Military retirement despite your liking it or not. There is also alimony she is entitled to and child support if there were kids. Put yourself in her shoes... would you not be doing the same thing?

She can drag out the divorce for as long as she can with the law... after all... until its final, that's her business and his...

And one last thing... He's in the Military.. you knew this... your actions can and will affect his career... the worst thing you can try to do is game the system or try to find ways around military regulations... trust me... they take great pleasure in smacking down people who attempt to do that every day... and they have a lot of experience doing it. And your not being in the military yourself doesn't preclude them from doing a lot of stuff to make your life exponentually more difficult... trust me... I've seen them do it. I had a good friend who was a retired Command Sergeant Major...he told me all the tricks they could play on people that don't toe the line that are perfectly legal over the years I've known him. They have an almost limitless bag of tricks for those that don't act and do exactly what is expected of them.

And easy one would be sending him overseas on extended TDY from one place to another unacompanied...keeping him away from home most of the time as well as barring you from the military base and most of its services for a very long time.

Both things I've seen happen to people And I've seen children and Married spouses of active Military members banned from base for over a year at a time over things they have done. I've also seen married people sent on unaccompanied TDY to some godforsaken base for months as punishment as well.

So far you have been the most helpful but let me add this... he has been locked in as he is one of 3 of those able to work on a certain air craft on base and to answer your question, I went through one divorce already with one child and asked for nothing but to get out ASAP... I did not go near the stunts this woman is pulling. I ended up winning my son and, whether it be one sided, for good reason. I know I am trying to find a way around this... I know I am his Achilles heel and moving back home would be financially disabling to me and the only way. There is one child involved. She is broke as she needs to have the "next big thing" (had 5 new vehicles in past 2 yrs)...
From what you are saying, doesn't matter what WE do... I am his one weakness... and should leave until this is resolved... right?

Be careful what you do... its s different ballgame when active service peronnel are concerned. Learn what's expected of you and don't do anything that even has the appearance of trying to push limits. You may or may not be an Achillies heel... if you have both the appearance and effect of smoothing out his personal life which can make him a better Military person... you can be an asset. If your being there right now at this time causes turmoil... or stirs the pot so to speak... then yeah. With a child... three will be child support... for alimony... your best hope and his is that she finds and marries someone else soon... Alimony ends when that spouse receiving it remarries. That won't change child support obligations... or her possible right to a chunk of his retirement. That's based on their time married, I don't personally know what the thresholds are for that... only that they do exist. Meaning if they were married ony a couple years... she might get nothing from that... but if they were married 10+ years... count on her getting 1/2 of it.

So this is one of those cases where everything isn't neatly black or white... but in one of those infinate shades of grey situations. The less drama involved... the better it is for him... and word does have a way of getting around good or bad, As big as the base might be.. its a tight knit community, and like a small town... everyone tends to know everyone else's business no matter how secretive they might try to be. I've seen situations where the military spouse ended up getting hit with UCMJ actions... and I've seen some where nothing happened at all. And I saw that and much , much more during a 6 year stretch of time on one base I was on. That was a little over 20 years ago.

Armed with that knowledge... you are going to have to be objective enough to see how your actions are effecting him... and know what's best to do. And you do have to avoid getting yourself into any situation that pits his soon to be ex against you. It will always turn out badly for all three of you.

But his not being divorced yet..means its more likely to cause problems than not... your status would be much higher if he was in fact divorced already.

Hopefully someone far more familiar with current military regulations will chime in....as those dictate which actions will be best.

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Originally Posted by cdad

If they were in a community property state then yes, she can go after his retirement for the portion of the contribution during the relationship.

Community property state or not, she can go after his retirement.

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Community property state or not, she can go after his retirement

They have been (not legally) separated for longer than they've been together. She abandoned the marriage, was the one to pack up and leave.

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Be careful what you do... its s different ballgame when active service peronnel are concerned. Learn what's expected of you and don't do anything that even has the appearance of trying to push limits. You may or may not be an Achillies heel... if you have both the appearance and effect of smoothing out his personal life which can make him a better Military person... you can be an asset. If your being there right now at this time causes turmoil... or stirs the pot so to speak... then yeah. With a child... three will be child support... for alimony... your best hope and his is that she finds and marries someone else soon... Alimony ends when that spouse receiving it remarries. That won't change child support obligations... or her possible right to a chunk of his retirement. That's based on their time married, I don't personally know what the thresholds are for that... only that they do exist. Meaning if they were married ony a couple years... she might get nothing from that... but if they were married 10+ years... count on her getting 1/2 of it.

So this is one of those cases where everything isn't neatly black or white... but in one of those infinate shades of grey situations. The less drama involved... the better it is for him... and word does have a way of getting around good or bad, As big as the base might be.. its a tight knit community, and like a small town... everyone tends to know everyone else's business no matter how secretive they might try to be. I've seen situations where the military spouse ended up getting hit with UCMJ actions... and I've seen some where nothing happened at all. And I saw that and much , much more during a 6 year stretch of time on one base I was on. That was a little over 20 years ago.

Armed with that knowledge... you are going to have to be objective enough to see how your actions are effecting him... and know what's best to do. And you do have to avoid getting yourself into any situation that pits his soon to be ex against you. It will always turn out badly for all three of you.

But his not being divorced yet..means its more likely to cause problems than not... your status would be much higher if he was in fact divorced already.

Hopefully someone far more familiar with current military regulations will chime in....as those dictate which actions will be best

I just wanted to thank you, I have gotten more from you than I have in a million Google searches. I am "in the closet" at the moment, so living in a huge city and never going to base or getting involved with any military I like to think I am as under the radar as I can possibly be right now. Thank you again... :)

You are welcome... a lot of this is not common knowledge nor is it intuative unless you have been around it much. Some aspects are significantly different from civilian life.